Image provided by: University of Nebraska-Lincoln Libraries, Lincoln, NE
About The Nebraska advertiser. (Nemaha City, Neb.) 18??-1909 | View Entire Issue (March 23, 1906)
miim ! Nemaha Advertiser V. W. SAND'nS, PunLisMcn Nemaha, Nebraska HUMOR OF THE WEEK 6TORIE8 TOLD DY FUNNY OF THE PRESS. MEN Odd, Cnrlone nnl Lntiiclinble IMinaes of II 11 tttfifi Nuttire Oriiplik'ully Tortrnj fl by Kmliiciit Word Artlitta of Our Own J)uy A Umliicl of Fuji. Townc Gee will,! I wish I coiikl catch tho follow who stole my um brella Browne Oh, ctit It out! Why do you 1 11 it lc o Much 11 fuss over a little thln IIIco that? Townc Little thing! Why, mnn, I actually bought thiit uiuhrelhi. I'lillit dolphin Press. PrnfniMloiiully Connlilci-cil. "Public opinion Is n groat power,' remarked tho earnest citizen. "Yen," answered .Mr. Dustln Ktnx "a groat deal may be done with It. The trouble hi that It Ih ho hard to capital tz'o." Washington Star. Tho Altnriil-MliHtrri Mini, Kxorlildm t . "1 toll you what," Haul tho mini who did tho family marketing, "tho price of beef la something fierce these days.' "That'H what!" exclaimed tho anui tour HporLsman. "I shot a cow a couple of weeks ago and tho farmer charged mo something frightful." Phlla(elphls l'res9. l'ur CfUHH Piirpoftufi. "Why do they call It the bridge of the none?" "Because, you know, objects have tc pass from eye to eye." Baltimore American. I'IiiiinIIiIu Theory. "1 wonder why It Ih that ham am) eggs usually go together," queried tin1 fihoe clerk boarder. "The association was originally due to the magnetic attraction of tho stage ham, I bollove," replied the cheerful Idiot. Unkind. Ilor Pin not easily discouraged. There Is a lot of stick to It In m. make-up. I Iliii That's right. I've often won dered how you managed to keen it from rubbing off. IJpn n nil Down. The Friend Well, did anything tun. up during your sojourn In Washington') Tho Olllco Seeker No; but I gul turned down. A DlNltnetlon with n DlnVrcncc;. "Does your mistress give you nnj evenings out, Bridget?" "No, ma'am; I take 'em." Baltimore American. lie put his arm nround her waist, Tho color left her check : Hut upon the shoulder of his coat It h1i6wqi1 up for u week. Slight He True. "Honesty Is the best pulley,"- remark. cd tho quotation (lend. "Perhaps you aro right," rejoined tho 6koptical person. "Anyway, an Insur ance policy Isn't always tho host hon esty." KlIClN III till! CtlNU. "How many times did Dr. Squllh call on you 7" asked tho Inquisitive friend. "Seventeen," replied Slopay; "Twice professionally and fifteen times In the cuiso of u bill collector." m&kW'wm&mM im A Trite Saying. It Ifl a trlto raying tltut no nun la stronger than hia uiuh,:Ii. Dr. Pierce a Golden Medical Dbcovery strengthens tho Hiomneli ruts It In shape, to make pure, rich blood-helps the liver and kidneys to expel tho porous from tho body uinl thus cures both liver and kid ney troubles. If you take thla natural blood purifier mid tonic, you will assist your system In iiianufucturlng each day u pint of rich, rod blood, that Is Invieo latlng to the brain and nerves. Tli vteak. norvoiH. run-down, debllltuted condition which ho many people suffer from, Is usually the nffrct of poisons In the blood; It Is often indicated by pimples or bollu appearing on tho skin, the face becomos thin anil tho foollntes "1)1111!." Dr. Pierce's " Discovery " curat all blood humors us well as being a tonic that makes one vh;oroii. strong and forceful. Jt Is the only meillcluo put up forsalo through driiKKits for like purposes that contains neither alcohol nor harmful habit-formim; drugs and the only one, every ingredient of which bus the profes sional endorsement of the leading medical writers of this country. Some of these endorsements are published In a llttlo book of extracts from standard medical works and will bo sent to any address free, on receipt of request therefor by letter or postal card, addressed to Dr. H. V. Plerco, Huirulo, N. Y. It tells Just what Dr. FMorce's medicines are made of. The" Words of Praise." for the several lnrcdlents of which Dr. Pierce's medi cines aro composed, by loaders In all the several schools of tnodlcal practice, and recommend lug them for tho euro of tho discuses for which tho "Golden Medical DIscoynrv " Is ndvlsed, should have fur more weight with tim sick aim utuicicu than any amount of tho so-called "testi monials " ko conspicuously fluuntcd beforo the nubile by those who aro afraid to let tho Ingredient of which their medicines ure composed bo known. Hear In mind that tho "Golden Medical Discovery" has tiik iiADGr. ok iion kmt v on every bottlo wrapper, in r. full list of Its Ingredients. Dr. Pierce's Pleasant Pellets cure con stipation, Invigorate tho liver und regu late stomach und bowels. Dr. Pierce's great thousand-page Illus trated Common Sense Medical Adviser will bo sent free, paper-bound, for 21 otio ccnt stamps, or cloth-bound for 31 statu us. Address Dr. PIcrco us above. The reason why an egg hole longitudinally 2 between the palnu und vigorously pressed, resists brcik- igo, is thus explained: Tho end i( mi egg-shell are domes, and are lillcii with an incompressible liquid. T) these domes are lilted into the soft minis of the hands, and pressure evenly applied to tho shell in the direction of its longitudinal axis, it will require considerable, force tc crush the shell. The liquid content! prevent tho shell from collapsing inward ;' tho soft palm prevents ii from bursting outward. The part ol t .e shell which is not covered by the hands is very neariy a cylinder, and. although it is thin, it has consider utile strength'to resist crushing. . Tliu value of a strong man's power depends onjjiis patience with the weak. If some hearts should go to heavet there would bo a hard frost thort' right olT. In a sad world the only saints whe have a right to sloop aro tho ones ir. tho graveyard. Long life means correct living, correct thinking, proper exercises, fresh air, pure water and pure food To the hypocrite ono mnn'i religion is another man's revenue. iMany a man's denominational con victions are in inverse ratio to the denomination of tho coin ho drop) in tho collection. Tho religion that lacks Biinshino ii nil moonshine. GRAND TO LIVE. Ami tho I.nst In A ! thJ licit. "Six months ago 1 would have laugh ed at the Idea that there could be any thing better for a table beverage than coffee," writes an Ohio woman "now 1 laugh to know there is." "Since childhood 1 drank coffee as freely as any other member of the family. The result was a puny, sickly girl, and as I grew Into womanhood I d'd not gain In health, but was allllot cd with heart trouble, a weak and dls-fif.im-mi Ktnniiii'h. wrecked nerves and a I !'i.n..f!il lift.Mklnir down, till last winter ut the age of "S I seemed to be on tho rerge of coiKiiniptlon. My friends pivoted me with 'How bad you look I What a terrible color 1' add this was not very comforting. The doctors and patent medicines did me absolutely no good. 1 was tbor Highly discouraged. "Then I gave up coffee and com menced Postum Food i'oiu'0. At first I didn't like it. but after a few trials mil following the directions exactly, it ivsis irruud. It was refreshing and satisfying. In a couple of weeks I no Meed n great change. 1 became strong or, my brain grew clearer. 1 was not troubled with forget fulness as In coffca times, my power of endurance wai more than doubled. The heart troublo mil Indigestion disappeared and my servos became steady and strong. "1 began to take an Interest In things About me. Housework, mid h.mio-mak-heeniiio a Measure. My frlonda ouvo marveled at tho change and wheu zhov Inciulro what brought It about, answer 'Postum Food Coffee, and noth i nia., in tlm world.'" Name glvci t.v" Postum Co.. Puttie Creek. Mich. There's a reason. Uead the little book "The Head to Wellvllle." In.Dkgs. TO PICS Off THE TI MBS. A CHOICE SELECTION OF INTER. E3TIN0 ITEMS. Comments mid CrltlclMim Hned Upon the HnojicnlnKB of th Day-HlBtorl cal mid New Note. I he Czar's chef gets S.'O.OO) n year, to say nothing of a bombproof kitchen. A broker committed sulcido becnuae he lost iiOO.OOO. It happened to bo his own money. Oregon land grubbers have disap peared, but, happily, could not take tho laud wltli them. John D. Rockefeller Jr. tells his Ill Mo class a He "Is deceit Intended for persounl advantage." Dun's review finds tho cost of liv ing has declined Blnce 11)02. How stu pld of us not to have noticed It! Tom Iawson, UoJestvensky, the Czar, Togo, Oyama, McCall, McCur dy, Hyde they had u busy 1005. Puzzlo: In a bill to regulato life In surance, Introduced by the president of a llfo Insurance company, to lind a nigger In the fence. Miss Spreckels Is described ns n prospective heiress to $20,000,000, "tall und handsome." The word "hand some" 1b pure surplusage. In this attempt to abolish capital punishment there Is recalled the French BUggestlon, "Let messieurs, tho inurderoiB, first adopt the plan." Secretary Tnft has succeeded In re ducing Ida weight twenty-nlno pounds by vigorous horseback riding. The condition of tho horso la not reported. Mr. Cameglo wishes he were a boy again und "back in the melon patch." Possibly the owner of tho melon patch may entertain different sentiments, however. Children nro disappearing from the stage, Bays the State factory inspector; and not only the humanitarian but the plain thoater-goer will heave a sigh of relief. Ex-Queen Lil wants the American government to give her $ 10,000,000. The old lady has applied at an unfor tunate time. The easy money game Is rather unpopular now. An actress who died tho other day left her entire estate1 to care for her pots, consisting of a dog, a cat, and a cage of birds. Apparently her hus band was not one of her pets. A club which was composed of girls who had agreed to send their lovers homo at 10 o'clock lias disbanded after an existence of a few weeks, and the cry for cheaper gas will again be raised. There Is talk of widening the Kaw Ulver. To the casual observer this seems needless. There are times when the Kaw widens Itself to an extern that ought to gratify the wildest am bltlon. It Is alleged that fifty people have committed suicide in Cleveland owln to the promulgation of Dr. Osier' theory that men are useless after they pat's the age of -10. The world will j not be much poorer for the loss of people who take Osier as seriously as that. Admiral Dewey told the Merchants' Club, of Chicago, that the navy had ceased looking for recruits in New Eng land to the exclusion of tho rest of the country. The navy needed, not fisher men acquainted with the sea, so much as men who could handle a machine These are found In Increasing numbers In the West, where the farms and vil lages are supplying tho demand for able-bodied seamen. It grieves us to see people In such a stow about their diet. What's the mat ter with the civilized stomach' The old way was to eat what was set bo fore you and think no more about It. Nature did the rest and converted the beef and turnips to thought, to Indus try, to heroism, to politics, to poetry to art, to emotion. Tho new way Is to hurry from tho table and take pills powders, potions, and you haven't eaten enough nor what you want at that. What's the use of being a billionaire if you have to live on bran bread and skimmed milk? What's the use of own lug a villa In the country If you have to sell everything you raise on the place or give It to charities, being un able to eat a morsel of It? The perennial streams or water Mow ing from high levels and fed by the melting snows of tho Pocky Mountain ranges servo tho double purpose of fur nishing electrical power for nioclianl- cal uses and for adding vastly to the agricultural capabilities of tho great plains and arid spaces of the west by menus of lrrlgatlou. Canada will not be behind the United States In the utitt zatlon of the mountain streams. The Canadian Pacific road, with a view to the better development of grazing und wheat growing prairie lands in Al berta, has begun the construction of a system of canals Intended to Irrigate three million acres, the production of which will be tributary to Its lines. Five million dollars are to be expend ed In digging those canals. It Is ex pected to find a future market for Al berta grain products lu Japan uuu China. It has become fashionable at tho present day when men stand beforo looking-glass and send bullets through their brains to leave some letter or other writing referring to the tragedy as "ending it all." There can be no question that to people In somo circumstances there Is a charm In tho thought of putting an end to every thing, but it Is a pure assumption that suicide puts an end to anything except the victim's breath. The suicide hopes above all things that the misdeeds which have led up to tho suicide will bo forgotten, but how can they hopo for this? His bloody act will bo blazoned on the printed page and bo rcvl by hundreds of thousands who would otherwise not know of him. HI tragic end will Interest them In his of fense, when otherwise nothing could have Induced them to waste a moment's thought on it. Ills whole career will be recounted every time the fatal pistol Is exhibited, every time the bloodspot on the lloor is pointed out, and every tlmo his ledger Is opened for Inspec tion. If he Is a criminal, his sui cide will almost Immortalize his in famy. If tho sulcido has loving rela tives, his death Is not the end, but tho beginning, of their troubles. They nro now, perhaps, to know dependence and want for the first time, and their weight Is to be doubled by feelings of horror and shame and by the pity of others. How long this ordeal will last no one can tell, but we read of cases In which a suicide traces bis act to tho suicide of a relative, committed fifty years before. Indeed, there Is no tell ing how many years or how many cen turies the Influence of one such act may bang around this world und curso a whole family. In short, tho poorest way there Is for a ninu to "end all" Is to take his own life. The best way would bo for him to face his clrcum stances bravely and make the most of them. That life Is not the most suc cessful which Is freest from mistakes. but his which surmounts all obstacles and turns misfortunes and even wrong doing lu to the means of Improvement There Is no coward like the suicide. AN ARTIFICIAL FEVER TURN. I - For days Mrs. Hanson had spoken tearfully to her husband about the ne cessity of his going to see the laud lord. "You know how I suffered from the cold in this apartment last fall, Ceorge," she said, plaintively, ono morning, "and I suppose it will bo just the same this year. 1 know there is a cold snap coming, and unless the steam is turned on before the twen tieth, I shall have to live through days of cold floors and shivers, when If you'd Just tell him " "lie can't make different rules for us Jiist because wo happen to be sen sitive to cold," said Mr. Hanson, as he bade his wife good-by, "and tha other peoplo In the house Boom satis fied." "Good-by!" said Mrs. Hanson, sol- emnly. "I think I shall go to moth er's for the day, George; it's so warm there always. But I'll bo homo In time for dinner, to seo about every thing for your comfort, of course." and there was a good deal of con straint In the parting. That evening, when Mrs. Hansn en tered the door of their apartment, ho was summoned by a sepulchral volco to the parlor. "George," said Mrs. Hanson, feebly, "I think you'll have to get a doctor. 1 am In a fearful fever; my head Is like a furnace. I camo homo from mother's and lay down on the lounge In this room, and when I woke my head was like this feel of it. You know I told you I thought I'd taken " "Yes, I know," said Mr. Hanson, cheerfully, "but I guess you haven't. Your head's hot, but initio would bo if I'd gone to sleep with it almost rest ing on a stoain-radiator, as you did. I went down to seo the landlord thl3 morning and told lilm about you, be ing so cold and all, and he said he'd have tho steam on beforo you got home, and " Hut Mrs. Hanson, after placing her hand on tho steam-pipe In tho corner and quickly withdrawing It, set about changing tho lounge to Its winter an gle. It Is well enough to tell the children to emulate the great characters In his tory who studied htto and burned mid night oil, but let tho young peoplo nt lompt It theso days, and their father roars at them to como to bed and quit w us ting gaa. 'i, "vp runs over but it never slops ..on faith is pffectivo only in zing the faithful. There is a lot of difference between lorcsiglil and fear. Relievo that a man is bad and he fvill not go back on it. Ho who is a friend only to himself s a foe to all men. DR. R. V. PIERCE GETS VERDICT. Jury Vindicate 'Fa-orlte Prescrip tion" from Attack of l.iullfj' Home .lournnl. The trial of the first libel suit grow ing out of the attacks on "patent" medicines has resulted in a verdict for the plaintiff. The first case to come to trial was that of the Dr. Pierce com pany against the Ladles' Home Journal, and the Jury found the Ladles' Homo Journal guilty of libel and fixed $115,000 ns the damages It should pay. A mo tion was immediately made by the Dr. Pierce company to have this verdict set aside and the case retried, the grounds being that tho verdict was insulllcleut This motion is yet to be argued. The article on which the suit waa bused was printed In the Ladles' Homo Journal, and was to the effect that the Pierce medicines contained alcohol, digitalis and opium. It was shown that they contain none of these drugs, nnd Mr. Bok admitted, on the stand, that after the article was printed ho had caused analysis to be made by three chemists nnd none could find a trace of the drugs mentioned. Captain Nathan Hale was born in Coventry, Conn., on Juno 0, 1755. Ho was graduated at Yale College iu 1773, and taught school at East Haddani from October 1773, to March, 177-1. At the outbreak of the Revolutionary War he entered tho military service, in which lie served in varous capacities. It was early in September, 1770, that ha volunteered to visit Long Island and New York, to ecure much-needed information for Washington. He was captured on li is way back to tha American lines, and Jtho following morning, September 22, 1770, hanged as a spy. It is presumed that he win oxecutcd near where his monument now stands in the City Hall Park Manhattan. Bad news never spoils by keeping. Most men aro made by tlieii enemies and marred by themselves. To ventilate a room properly open the window at the top and the bottom The impure air rises and goes out at the top while the fresh air comes in at tho bottom. If you cannot see heaven here you will never seo it anywhere. The race for gold does not make the golden race. If the cheeks are hollow it is because the muscles have become weak. To strengthen them, wet with cold water and rub gently and deeply round and round with a soft turkish towel. The things of life aro likely to get in the way of life itself. The reward of mastering one difil culty is to meet another. The pest place to pray for corn is between the rows. Many a pessimist as to humanity, finds his premises in li is own heart. When God wants a man to como in ahead Ho frequently gives him a handicap. The greatest art of life is that of living. Nothing worries worry worse than work. Sow small joy and reap a great happiness. In moral matters one and ono may make a million. Many prayers aro long only because they aro so thin. Tho man whose life leads nowhere is never late in getting there. COULD NOT KEEP UP. llrokt-ii Down, 1,lk Many Another AVoiiiuii, -with ICvliiuiHtliiK Klilncr TronbluM. Mrs. A. Tavlor. of Wharton, N. J., Rays: "I had kidney trouble in its most painful and severe form, and the torture i unv. through now seems to have been almost unbearable. 1 had backache, pains in the sale and loins, dizzy spells and hot, feverish h e a d aches. riMmon lvnrn liOItl'llltf- ZlAlIW-$n ,i.v nntns and tho IfBfl kidney secretion i fcflftwtfiiUBwKJ missed too frequent ly, and with a burning sensation. '1 hey showed sediment. I became discour aged, weak, languid and depressed, so sick and weak that I could not keep up. As doctors did not euro me, 1 de cided to try Doan's Kidney Pills, anil with such success that my trouble were all gone after using eight boxes, and my strength, ambition ami general health is fine." Sold by nil dealers, fit) cents a box. Fostor-Mllburn Co., Buffalo. N. Y.