NEMftHH ADVERTISER.
. W. W. 8AM DBMS, PBtHf
HEM A HA,
NEfJRASKA.
Tim In (ft Doan Hole wna fond of
tporhi oC nil kinds, but when a report
wine lo his oura that bis groom luid
been engaging In a pugilistic set-to, the
.lean foil It kid duty to ndmlnlator r
iiillablo robnke, winding up with: "I
hope yon wore separated" (ovorely).
MI)eg pardon, lr; when I'd flnlnhed ho
llflu't want no o,m rating," aid tho
groom.
Dr. Grath, a witty physician of tho
court of Queen Anno, had proscribed a
tuuRcotm dose for tho great warrior,
Duko of Marlborough. When the duke
bjected io following the directions,
the sharp-tongued Duchess Sarah broke
In by saying, "Ml be hanged If it docs
not cure you." "There, my lord," in
terposed Garth, "you had better swal
low It; you will gain either way."
Thomas Oarlyle wan a "hoarder ol
the gold of silence," and would sit for
lioura, pulling away at hla pipe, with
ut uttering more than a grunt or a
milt munoHyllable. Lelght Hunt, his
aelghbor and Intimate, once wrote to a
friend: '"Have Just spent a pleuBant
hour with Curly lu. When I went In
be growled, 'Holloa! here again!' and
it parting he snapped out, 'Good-day!'
mil that la the sum of the convcrsu
lion ho honored mo with. But how elo
quent his Hllcnce UI I junt Hat and
looked at him, and came away
ttrougthened for a fresh struggle."
A ItiiBSlaji lady, admirer of Kosslnl,
having watched the. composer on hla
daily promenade during govern! days,
ent a message to his house expressive
of her desire to be receivod by him
Tho reply to this strange eommunloa
Uon was: "I do nothing for nothing
If the lady brings me a very lino bunch
f asparagus, she will be welcome, and
he can tnko a view of me at her leis
ure," Then, pointing to his waist,
which had nttalnod a somewhat alder
umnlc rotundity, he Is said to have
added: "Tho lady may even wnlk
iround tnc if she pleases, but I must
have my asparagus."
Professor Simon Neweonib tolls of
iho following Incident having occurred
luring a recent visit paid by several
roung Woatcrn women to the Wash
ington Observatory. "I had done my
tent," said tho eminent astronomer, "to
uiswor with crodlt to the government
aid to mysolf the running lire of ques
tions which my fair callers propound
id. I think I had named even the re
aiolcst constellations for them, and
was congratulating myself upon the
ulcome, when one of the younger
nunibors of the party Interjected: 'But,
ts It hue never been proved that the
itura are inhabited, how do the astron
nyvi's ever 11 nil out their mimes?' "
A New York young man who has
the same name and Initials as II. H.
Rogers, tho Standard OH man, fre-
jueutiy receives through the mall let
ters which rvo Intended for the latter.
Due day he received a bill for a new
lag furnished to Mr. Rogers yacht,
which he ma Hod to him witli the fol-
owlng note: "Dear Sir I received the
Inclosed bill intended for you, as I am
not fortunate enough to own a yacht
However, I will pay your bill If you
will tell me tho best time to buy Stand
led OH." Uo received the following
reply: "Dear Sir Your note at hand
t will bo glad to pay my own bill. The
tent time to buy Standard Oil Is be
tween ton and three."
BIRTHRATE OF CELEBRITIES.
Tore Tlum Twice uti Oreut hi Multic an
In Ohio.
A steady fall In the blrthrato of uion
f talent Is mot with In going from
ffow Mngland westward. While, In
tfow England, out of every 100,000
drills, ftfty-four are those of men of
uluur, lu Now York that number falls
thirty-four; in Ohio to nineteen, In
hdlann. to eleven, In Illinois to ten, hi
llssourl to six, In Kansas to two, In
Jolorado to one.
In tho ciiHo of such Western States
Kansas, Colorado, Nebraska, Min
vefKita and tho Dakotas, the extremo
wuclty of men of talent is in part ox
Joined by two facts; a lack of suit
tdu means of education for the pre
lit generation and nit abnormal pro-
ortion of young people among tho na
Ivo horn.
But If we remain within the none
rhlch was filled by ettlers In the
Ightocnth or In the beginning of tho
jluotecnth century, nnd which In
ludcs snch States as Ohio, Ken
uclcy, Tennessee, Indiana and Till
wis, that explanation falls, and there
cmalns tho fact of a disproportion of
rom about three to one between the
laat nnd tho West In tho present
ilrthrato of men of talent
In sovoral cases tho Western Stnto
Joys a greater material proapor
ty, haa mora and larger cities, anc'
tas offered to the present genernttou
totter educational opportunities than
wny Of Itfl Eastern nclghlwra. Tho
Itate of Ohio Is comparable la area
i llalna in 1Q1ft
I that of Malno. In 1830 ioco wore In
Ohio flro universities rind college
fOhlo University, Miami University,
Franklin College, Kenyon College ami
Wcslorn Hcscrvo University) against
two In Malno (Tlowdoln College and
Colby University). Twenty years later
there wero In Ohio eight times Mm
number of collogcn and mil vers I Ilea
then found In Malno, yet tho present
birthrate t celebrities Is more tlinn
twice an great In Mnino as in Ohio.
Nor has tho Stale of Indiana re
mained behind In educational matters.
In 1840 the generation which ifl mow
olghtT yearn old found in Indiana six
universities and colleges against two
in Maine, one ia Now Hampshire and
two in Vermout In spile of swell ad
vantages, that generation and the fol
lowing show hut one llfth of the birth
rate of men of talent olwervod In
northorn New Mngland.
A similar Diet may be observed In
tho South. The State of Tennessee
early enjoyed hottir educational ad
vantages than Hk Haslern neighbors.
In 1701 there was not a single college
or unlversily In North Carolina. South
Carolina had but one Hiieh institution,
tho Co'lego f Charleston. At that
itlmc Tennessee had threo universities
and colleges: tho Univondly of Toiu
nessce, tho University of Nashville and
Greenville and Tusculuni College. lt
superiority over lis Haslcrii uolghlxr:l
n the equipment as well a In thd
number of Its colleges Tennessee ha
continually kept from the olgiitceuth
century down to the present tiinci
Nashville Is to-day the great edtica
tloual center of the SouIJi; yet tha
birthrate of celebrities In Tennossoi!
s but one-third of that of South Carol
inn.
It Its evident that the cause of kucn
differences, its well as that of tho lm
posing intellectual superiority of tin
poor mountainous regions of Now
Snglnnd over the whole Kasl, lies iq
the men themselves, and not in thclt.
surroundings. New York, OlUo, In
diana, Illinois and Missouri are but
tho successive stages of (he great
westward migration which, during thd
eighteenth and nineteenth centuries,
peopled the Went at the okiksuso of
the East; and tho steady decrease in
tho blrthrato of talent met witli wheu
passing from one of those States to its
Western neighbor shows, as Is the ease
r. every partial migration, that thai
particular ono was highly selective In
Its process. Century.
MANIA FOR WEALTH.
Both Mcu and AVoiucii ronc Their Henri
Over the Mikity JXillnr.
The mania for getting rich the mad.
false idea that we must have money
bus played worse havoc among ambi
tious peoplo than wnr or pestilence.
tV mombor of the Chicago Board of
LYado told a newvpaper reiiortw that
the man and women of this country
contribute $100,000,000 a year to iho
sharpers who promise to make . them
rich quick. They work the same old
scheme of a confidential letter and
shrewd halting, until the victim parts
with his money. Thousands are plod
ding along In poverty and deprivation,
chagrbicd and humiliated because they
have not heeu able lo get up in tho
world or to realize their ambitious, fur
tho reason tliat they succumbed to the
scheme of some smooth promoter, who
hypnotized them into tho belief that
they could make a great deal very
quickly out of vory little.
Tho great fever, of tryiug to make
$1 earn $5 is growing moro and moro
contagious. We see even women so
cretly going inlo brokers' ofllces and
"bucket shops," investing everything
they have In all sorts of schemes,
drawing their deposits out of tho
banks, sometimes pawning their Jew
elry evon their engagement rings
and borrowing, hoping to make a lot
of inonoy before their husbands or
families find it out and then to sur
prise them with the results; hut, in
most cases, what they invent Is hope
lessly lost.
Thousands of Young Americans are
so tied up by financial or other en
tanglements, oven boforc they got fair
ly started In their llfo work, that thoy
can only transmute a tithe of thoir
real ability or their splendid energies
Into that which will count In theh
lives. A large part of It In lost on the
way up, na the energy of the coal li
nearly all lost before It reaches tho
electric bulb.
Not t 1'aYorito Itrood.
Lovei"s of good, plain dogs, which
have been allowed to grow naturally,
will appreciate tho story of Hie English
peddler who went to a dealer In dogs
ami thus described what he wanted:
"III wants a kind of dog about so
Mgh an' so long. Hit's a kind of gry
ound, an' yet It ain't a gry'onnd, bo
cause 'Is tyle Is shorter nor any o'
these 'oro gry'ouuds, an' 'Is nose Is
shorter, an' 'e ain't so alhn round tho
body. But hUH'o's u kind o' gry'ound
Do you keep such dogs?"
"No," ropllcl the dog man. "Wo
drowns 'cm."
Tliero Arc Othora.
Homor -Meeker says he tolls
wife evorythhiff tfcat iiappons.
his;
GayJioy Huh, that's nothlngl I tell,
my wlfo a lot of things that never did;
1'HWr DOMT READ THB
PAfHUS.
St rotoTuYou canH come In."
Minmoaira "Wha-atf Tea Just
send for the daily papers, and read
tho reports of tho funeral sermon
ttitffc Kcr. Softio proachod ovor we."
Snii WAS RIGHT.
Mr. Sharp "If thoro were no
.vomcn, tho men would havo nothing
id laugh at."
Mrs. Sharp-"If thoro wore no
women, tho men wouldn't want any
thing to laugh at. They would not
!ccl like laughing.
Ltcnrin Ijtkc u Miracle.
Moravia, N. Y., Dec. V2. Special.)
Bordering on the miraculous is the
case of Mrs. Benj. Wilson of this place.
Suffering from Sugar Diabetes, she
wasted away till from weighing 200 lbs
tdie barely tipped tho scales at l.'IO lbs.
Dodd's Kidney LMHs cured her. Speak
ing of her cure her husband says:
"My wife suffered everything from
Sugar Diabetes. Sue was sick four
rears and doctored with two doctors,
but received no benefit. Sho had so
much pain all over her that she could
not rest day or ulgh. The doctor said
that she could not live.
"Then an advertisement led mo to
try Dodd's Kidney Bills and tlfoy holp
sd her right from the lirst. Five boxes
f them cured her. Dodd's Kidney
I'llls wero a God-sent romcdy to us and
vo recommend them to all suffering
from Kidney Disease."
Dodd's Kidney Bills cure all Kidney
Diseases, including Briglit's Disease,
ind all kidney aches, including Itheum
llism. JIcWORKS' KINDLY THEORY.
Mrs.McWork "Old Bullion is
jiakln' gobs o' money. I'hys hud be
)e wantin' to rejuco your wages"
Mr McWoik "Suro I dunno. Ma
jyo he do bo tliryin' to jot lich
icough to be a preat. pholanthropits"
Lu.r Iz a cucious uiixtnr; it Iz
aiado up ov Jenloupys and doubt?,
pouting lips and weeping oyes, squub
Mes and rckonniliations, sharp cun
ning and abjecke blindness, purlt
ind sin, fond hopes nnd tantalizing
fears, and a thousand other ingredi
ents besides. For more lull partlku
.ars watch the two lovers, Ruben
ind Cornelia.
Tluire Is nomine ch' p t conn fin n
ip'lllin'; and if it r. u eh an el -aient
ov suckeess az sum shrewd
kiiticks hav diskoverod, they owe it
u their airs and assignees tow adopt
at oust, and bekum ritch and
famus.
MUi ANY TWO BlIOE'LE ALIKE
Can any two human beinus look
jxactly alike Most people will say
o,yet upon this apparant impossi
bility Katherlno Cecil Thurston hsis
Dtiilt her romarkablo book, "The
Masqucraders." All tho more to ber
redlt if, thus handicaopsd, she is
hie to envolvo a tale into so clovor a
;vay as to givo verisimilitude to her
noldents and oharnoters. That sbo
ins a icompluhed this in no small
grco is evidenced by the wonderful
'aselnubion of the tale. Ono reader,
ndei d, buing ati invalid from heart
rouble and having started tho story
(prlally, wrises the publishers and
mplorca thorn bo rcvoal the dcuoue-
uont, lest he pass away before tho
.angled skoin is unraveled and tho
iroplexing moral problem solved. He
iys, pleadingly and wlt'i a Uno poss-
ralsm: "It would be just my luok
o die and not know the end." Was
vor before such a lotter written to
, publisher? This lector, however
and it was a long one), is undoubt-
dly tho "real thing '' fur Ilurpar fc
?ro. vouch for it, and that's
noih for you and nn ani the gon-
ral public. It is only to be. hoped
hat thoy wero kind to tho corres-
tondont and sitislied his curiosity,
.ven at tho risk of a suddon.slvok
o liis admittedly weak hearc Wt-s-
ey Slsson, in Tho Era Magazine for
Jeco inner.
Notliing
I so senslttva ta cold M a
nervo and this la tho coum of
ia.
it. Jacobs Oil
by friction and penetration warms,
aoothea and cures tho worst
cases, rrioo 2 Sc. and 50c.
mm
Oomplowjiy IlOKtored.
Mm. P. Brunzei, wife of r. BninBel,
atock doakr, residence Mil Grand
nronne, Evoret, Waah., nays: "For fif
teen yoara I suffered
with tmrlble parn In
my back. I did not
know what It was to
enjoy a night's rest
and arose in the
morning feollug tired
and nnrofreshed. My
suffering Komotlini-d
was almply Inde
scribable. When I
finished the first box
of Doan's Kidney
Bills I felt like a
different woman. I
continued until I had
taken flvo boxes.
Doan's Kidney Billa
act very effectively, very promptly, re
lieve the aching pains and all other an
noying dlfllcnltles."
Koster-Mllburn Co.. Buffalo. N. Y.
For sale by nil druggists. Price 50
cents per box.
NU SiC N Miliuhu.
Peddler "Want uny 'I'Jeaso Shut
tho Door' signs?"
Jlms'in "Don't need 'cm."
"Your door hasn't any spring."
"Booplo always shut It when they
ro out."
"Thab's queer."
"I'm a tax assossor. Thoy shut
it with u slam."
I nover hav Jlnod church yet; 1
never hav thought I wns bright enufT
for an example
Thnro z just ar mutoh real wit
in tbo world az thare li truth in the
wit, and no mure.
THE YOUNG DUUTOR AHEAD.
Joker "I sutler from cold feet at
niffht."
Dr. Glvnn "Is yeur sjoneinl
health good?
"Perfectly."
Good appetite?
First rate.
Hleop under blanket?
Ye3.
Take plenty of outdoor exorcise':
Lots.
Very strange.
The cold tett are my wife's.
Ah! Oct a divorce. Two dollars,
please.
A WALL STREET CHARACTER.
Jack "Going to the fancy bill?"
George "Can't alTord a costume."
"Got a threadbare coat?"
"Of course."
"And an old pair of baggy trous
ers?" "Certainly."
"Well, put tbern on, and go as i
millionaire."
Ono grato reazon whi phil"sopbj
and philanthropy so often fails li
bekause so mutch ov it is spent on
the world and so lltth on ouraelfs.
Di-nt'iiex Cannot llo Cured
by local niiilliUon, ns thoy cannot reach tht
dl oasod portion of tho oar. Thoro Is only om
way to cure (learnes;. and Hint Ls by con-.tltu-tlonal
romnillos. IHiafim- Ls cntibof by an In
flamed condition of tho mucous lining of the
Kn.stnchluu Tube. When this tulw U InlLninod
you have a runibllnc hound or liniwrfect hear
liiK, aud-whfn It U entirely olood, JJcafivois H
tho rosiilt, and unless tho Inllammatlon can he
taken out and this tubo restored to lUs normal
condition, hoarlnc will lm doslntycd foroor;
Dine caes out ot ton aro caused by catarrh,
wlilch U nothing but an lnllaiuod condition w
tlio miioous Mirfaccs.
Wo will kIvo One Hundred Jiollars for anj
casoof Deafness (eaiiseil by catarrh) that oan
not be cured by Hall's Catarrh Cure. Bond foi
circulars, free,
F. .T. CIIKNKY & CO., Toledo, O
tSTSoW by DmpcUts, 75c.
Hall's Family I'llls arc the best.
YE MOTITEK-IN-LAW AS STIE TS
Grocer "You seem to bo living
m Btly on canned ponds lttly."
Mr. New wed (sarlh) "Yes: va)
wife's mother is nwav.
CAST1
For Infanta and Children.
flie Kind You Have Always Bough)
Bears the
Signature of
"A bar of iron may bo ground tc
n needle: with resolution everything
may bn accomplished."
Sire. Vln.lrw BOOTHINO SYRUP for ohll
drcn teething, softens tho snniR.rodurca lnfla
tnatton, allays pain cures oolio 1'ricc 25c hott'.e.
When a politician gits rich ho iz
qlute apt to wear hlr. poiltikal prin
ciples az a kind ov elekshun hollydaj
suit.
Bargains in Harlan Co- Lands.
Real Estate ls always a safe
lines incut.
It neither burns nor blows
awny
Can you nlTord to rent when
you can own a quarter section
ror szouii.
For further information write
SchuinnrliT .1 rn' ri---,. x'i
Hope ir. periiun.i ; u. c ,i
rebukos diappotnt'iients uod viss s
sltudos ov ail kinds, and iz ever
red y to lend a helping hand.
TO CTJRK A COI,7 IN ONK DAT
Take Laxative llroino Qolnlne Tablet. AT
drutfg-lsts retund tho r.oney if it fails cure.
E. W. Gy.0T'a riinolur to oa oaoh box. see.
SUPPOSE Wli SMIL&
HUMOROUS PARAGRAPHS FRO
THE COMIC PAPER&.
PlciMnnt Incidents r)ccnrrl,1(e
World Orcr-BuyiiiKHthut Are Cheer
ful to Old or YoHMjr-.Funny clc
tlouH that lUcrybody Will !CuJor.
First Stndeni Do yon hellcT
jower of silence?
Second Student I certainly do
When I ask tbj governor for a tsa
ind he doesn't even niiHwer my qui
Jon I know by the power of hla sllon
dint there's nothing doing. DcttfSlt
Vreo Press.
Possllilc Kxplnnntlnn,
M:rs. Green Does your husband evv
tny anything about his mother's autffr
lor cooking?
Mrs. Brown Not a word.
Mrs. Green I wonder why?
Mrs. Brown I don't know nUy
t's because the old lady used to keen
i boarding house.
BtrniiKC, Indeed.
Willie How thiiiKS do chance la P.
f
this world. Now hero Is anothe-i
f those awful showers, niul,flKk
enn't see a bit of lightning or .
tingle sound of thunder.
Kxncti njr.
Old Friend So you have at last .conf
tented to mnrry some one. How did H
mppen?
Miss Flippant Well, every man Uinj
iias ever proposed before has said
'Will you be my wife?" Tint Hnrohl
isked If he might have the honor of bel
ng my husband. Detroit Free Presij
(ottitiK Mixed
"She has been 22 now fori
y seen
wns that I know about."
"If she keeps that up much long!
she will be posing as her own gran
laughter." Illinois State Journal.
One Muii'h Wlmloin.
Caller So you didn't take a racf
Hon this summer, eh?
Busy Man No; I needed a rest, sd
sent my wife to tho country for
mouth.
An Unkind Cut.
iJirfbang That s a swell Sitm n
aro wearing, Sniithkins. I wIbIi ij
friend Trotter could get a glimpse'
t
Smlthkins (flattered) Is your frle?
i diamond expert?
IJHTbang No; he travels for a plaj
tlnss factory.
Just ns Good.
"One o these
i. i. .
ese daj s. ' sai Juflie I
na vender, '"yoVJfc
io me umiiuia veiiuer, y
rich from sellin' bananas tlj
bo comln' around In a auto, flisif?
with this cart." i
"No, no," nnrwered Salvatorr '
bscco. "No, no, slguora. I notfa
the auto. I notta need hhn. I
tho fight evor' night wltha the
rnnir an' cetti hurta inst sir hnfl
STow York Herald. ')J
!,.).. T1.
"Ray, pa," queried Utile J-
Humpeniicuio, "what does thlsM
aooan by a double-minded man?!
1 1 T A I - .. . .'I
fool bachelor who Is thinking tin
UnK married, my son," rejilJeuV I
gentleman. 7
J
