SUPPOSE WE SMILE.
HUMOROUS PARAGRAPHS FROM
' THE COMIC PAPERS.
Plcnsnnt Incidents Occurring the
World Over Saylncs that Arc Cheer
ful to Old or Younjr Funny Selec
tions thnt Everybody Will Knjoy.
"I undorstinul Hint prima donna
failed to give her farewell concert be
cause she had a cold."
."Yes," answered the manager.
&f "How did she contract it?"
V "Well, It wasn't an ordinary cold.
V It Is what Is technically known aa a
box-olllec chill."- Washington Star.
The JtiHtalltticnt l'lnno.
"Dolly, why don't yon spread out
moro over the keyboard when you
play? You always putter around in
just about two octaves."
"I knew it, dear, but you see that's
about all wo own so far, and when I
get off those bounds I feel as if I was
' poaching." Detroit Free Tress.
lie Wuh WIho.
www
"No, sah. I wouldn't live in dls
town unless ilere was odder nlggahs
llvin' here, too."
"Why?"
" 'Cos If a white man lost a chicken
he'd know Jes' whar to look fo' it."
Most Remarkable.
Mr. Kadley Miss Odley Is a queer
girl. 1 heard her remark to another
girl that she saw Miss Swelltnan on
the avenue to-day.
Miss Tort Well, what's queer about
that?
Mr. Kadley--The queer part was
that she didn't proceed In the same
breath to describe what Miss Swell
man had on. Philadelphia Ledger.
Modern Woman' Club.
"We shall neglect nothing!" shouted
Hie president of the Free Woman
Club.
"How about husbands, babies and
dishes?" asked the reporter.
"Oh, they're nothing."
Hound to Ketch Him.
Anxious Mother What do you think
is the best remedy to get my boy out
of bed, doctor?
Doctor Why, a snowstorm, mln
Btrel tickets or pair of ice skates.
Vertitient Tiiuuiry.
Percy I've been to a dozen differ
ent places trying to get some blank
cartridges.
.lack What do you want them for?
Going to blow your brains out?
Limit.
"I am in favor of enlarging the
upbore of women," snid Mrs. Enpeek.
"Impossible, my dear," rejoined the
husband of his wife.
"Why is it Impossible?" she snapped.
"Hern use," lie meekly explained,
"there's no way in which the earth can
o stretched."
Judne'H Regret.
"Your honor." said the young lawyer,
"I demand justice for my client."
"I'd be only too glad to accommodate
you," answered tin; Judge, "but as the
law won't allow me to give him more
than six months l am practically help
less."
On 1 1 i h Dignity.
l' I
Sam Mamma bought me a pair of
gloves yesterday.
Auntie Really! What are they?
Kids?
Sam No, they're men's. Punch.
Why of It.
"Why don't you go to work?" asked
the kind lady who had Just given up
a dime.
'"Sense me, inn'nin," rejoined the
tramp, "hut l hope youse. don't t'Ink
I'm one ut dose silly guys wot goes
cround lookln' fer trubble,"
I li 1
y "yssa
m mmM
Cause nnd Kflcet.
Mra. HouBcr Yes, I koep irro girls,
yot I am compelled to work liko a
alavo.
Mrs. Flatleigh Then why don't you
keep another girl?
Mrs. Houser Oh, if I did that I'd
probably have to work nights.
On to IUh Job.
"That chiq) who Just went out," said
the bartender, "Is forever dwelling on
his wife's tnlents."
"No wonder," replied the boss. "I'll
bet ho couldn't exist throe dnys l
forced to live on his own."
A Shattered Knnncniciit.
"Wo agreed to treat each other with
perfect frankness."
"How did it work?"
"O, I could stand her frankness; but
she wouldn't stand mine."
A TCcccnt Infliction.
Tommy When was the Reign oi
Terror, pa?
Pa Last week, when the cook act'
ed up as if she was going to leave.
Making Heraldry.
Merchant Phew! Two hundred doR
lars Is pretty steep for that trndo
mark. Mrs. Merchant Oh, got a good one;
our grandchildren can use It for a coat
of-nrms.
Dear Girl.
"Yes," said Subbubs, sighing, "tho
only girl I really cared for I couldn't
have."
"What," exclaimed Bncklotz, "that
doesn't sound very complimentary to
Mrs. Subbubs."
"Oh, she felt as badly about It as I
do. You see, the girl wanted $5 a
week and we can't afford more thnil
."Philadelphia Press.
Kcitcratlon.
"I suppose when you get home lata
from the club your wife says a good
deal about it?"
"Oh, no; she never has much to say.''
"You're lucky."
"Oh. not at all. She takes an hour
or so to say it, Just the snnie." Phil
ndelphln Ledger.
A Successful Corner.
"Thnt old codger seems to be qultd
nn Independent old pnrty," remarked
the traveling man.
"Ry heck!" exclaimed the vlllngi)
wit, "it's no wonder. He op'rated a
mighty successful corner in wheat lasj
year."
"What?"
"Fact. That corner lot o' his'n yan
dor. It yielded 1,'(K) bushels." Phila
delphia Press.
No Sign.
"Does that new novel turn out hap
pily?" "It doesn't say. It only says they
married." Brooklyn Standard Union.
Knew the Animal.
Rrown I say, .(ones, do you happen
to know any one who has a horse for
sale?
Jones l have reasons for believing
that Green has.
Rrown Why do you think so?
.lones Recause l sold him one yes
terday. lie Hoped So.
"I would like you to consider this
poem," said Wood by Rlter. "I assure
you it Is entirely original. "
"indeed?" replied the editor,
glancing over the llrst few lines.
"Fr you don't doubt It, do you?"
"Not at all. I'm quite ready to be
lieve there's more truth than poetry
about that." Philadelphia Ledger.
Not Quite Sure.
"Are you a witness for the prosecu
tion or the defense?"
"I I ain't quite sure, sir. I'm on
the side of that gentleman over there,
sir. He's the one that hired me."
Cleveland Plain Dealer.
An Inquiry.
He I don't see why you shouldn't
believe that you're the only girl 1 ever
loved.
She Why, did all the other girls be
lieve it? Judge. .
Then He Got Kuy.
Slowboy I say, Miss Willing, arot
you aware that 1 am a member of the
Press Club?
Miss Willing Of course not, Mr.
Slowboy. How was T to know?
And the next day she told her chum
tiiat Slowboy had a perfecting press
for printing kisses.
Handicapped.
"Ill order to enjoy a good nlght'H
rest." said the physician, "you should
lie on the right side only. It Is posh
tively Injurious to lie on both sides."
"Rut. how can I help it, doctor?" re
Joined tho patient. "You seem to hnvd
overlooked the fact that I am a lawyer."
Science
vention
The ostrich Is being acclimatized in
louthern Furope by M. Octave Justice,
Vhose SO specimens from South Af-
ica are thriving on a farm near Nice.
Oysters are examined by X-rays for
icarls by Raphael Dubois, a French
hvestlgutor. The oysters are not In
ured, and those containing pearls too
mull to be of value are returned alive
or further growth.
Mons. Charles Fabry of the French
Vcademy of Sciences announces that
areful measurements of the light of
Jie star Vega, one of the brightest In
:he heavens, when it is seen near the
enlth In calm weather, show that It Is
'qtinl to that of a standard candle
turning nt a distance of ii.uOO feet
!rom the eye.
Evidence that animals can count has
teen collected by Slgnor Manclnl.
ilorses In the collieries at Ualniiult
lave a regular number of dally trips,
tnd invariably seek their stables after
he thirtieth. A dog remembered the
iwouty-slxth burled bone a short time
if tor digging up twenty-live. Rlrds
omit their eggs, magpies count only
:o four. The latter Is true also of nioii-
avvs.
A novel microscope for viewing
nelted or Intensely hot substances has
joen described to the Vienna Academy
)f Sciences by Prof. C. Doeltcr. An
'lectrlc oven two Inches high is moiiut
!d on the object, stand, and yields tem
peratures up to J200 (leg. C. in use
the lens is separated from the heated
tbjeet by about one Inch. Even at the
llg'.iost temperatures of the substance
inder examination, however, both nil
.Toscopo and objective are kept quite
;ool by a special arrangement of ns
Jcstos plates and a spiral tube enrry
ng Ice-cold water.
If a vibrating tuning-fork Is placed
n a llanie the sound Is markedly re
inforced. Starting with this fact, the
Rev. T. C. Porter, of England, has
ilevlscd a new form of phonograph, in
ivhich a tlame takes the place of the
trumpet ordinarily used. The sounds
;hus reinforced are easily heard
throughout a large room. The explan
ation of the action of the tin me is that
the sound-waves falling upon it change
its combustion from a continuous to an
Intermittent form, and the burning gas
being thus thrown into a series of
ivavos which are more powerful than
he original sound-waves, reinforce
them and thus magnify the sound.
The Royal Society in London was
recently entertained with an account,
by R. I. Pocock, of a spider of the
Desldae family, living in Australia,
tvhich makes its habitation along the
seashore, in the crevices of the rocks,
between high and low water marks.
This location Is selected, no doubt, be
cause It abotuuls with the food that
these spiders prefer. Rut when the
lido is in. their homes arc covered with
water. Instead of deserting them, how
ever, the spiders solve the dllllculty
by means of closely woven sheets of
silk, which they stretch over the en
trances, and within which I hey lin-
uisnu siitlicient air to koep them alive
(luring tlie time that they remain sub
merged. Women Who llotrnyod Men.
In nearly every Instance of trench
iry and corruption resulting in a public
scandal during llie last llfty years
woman has played a prominent and ig
noble part. The real instigator of Hit
iTiuie, she goes unpunished, bringing
l those connected with her ignominy,
llsgrace, exile and sometimes death.
One of the most notorious of tliesj
women who for a time pulled l lie
Wrings of history was the Rnronms du
Kaula, a (iernian by birth, who cause
he downfall of old (Soueral do Clssey,
lie Minister of War in Paris during
.ie presidency of Marshall Mne.M alien.
The general, infatuated with tin
arouess, was In the habit of lunchlnij
(vlth her at her house close to tint
Ulysee every Thursday, after the meet
t ig of the cabinet council.
While they were at lunch her ser
vants were taking shorthand note o
llie ministerial papers In the geueral't
liortfollo. which were then forwardo.'
n cipher to Rlsiuarck In Rerliii, wh)
lius knew every Friday morning all
hat had passed in the French cabling
ouiicll on Thursday.
This went on for two years, ami
night never have been discovered i
lie baroness had not. made the mi-,
like of being too grasping. She suc
ceeded liuobtalning from the goucrnlj
who could refuse her nothing, vnlunblj
jinny contracts for some of her friends
tliis led to searching Inquiries on tho
;mrt of disappointed candidates, ami
the whole business came out. Pear
son's Weekly.
First Vessel lliroimh Sue..
Captain Charles P. Jayne, now rc-dd
iug in Rnstnu. had the honor of com.
maudlng the llrst vessel Hint pn,ssej
through the Suez canal. The craft win
known as the Moiling, and, altlioug!i
of American construction, wns sailed
under the JJrltlsh ting.
VIRTUE IS CONTAGIOUS.
lly Key. Geo. II. llcpHorth.
"Let him do likewise." Luke ill.,
11.
Some one hns snid thnt If ho were
able to create a world he would make
virtue contagious Instead of vice.
A small degree of observation will
show that his efforts In this direction
would not be necessary, for the Lord
has already done so.
it Is not as bad a world as the pessi
mist would have us think; for the gen
eral trend of things Is toward the good
and not toward the evil; and If you
look Into the matter carefully you will
llnd that what you call contagion In
heres In the pure and noble quite as
much as In the impure and Ignoble. If
It be true that Haunted and successful
vice allures a great many, it Is also
true that an honest and knightly life
does the same thing.
The career of a business man who
brushes aside the Restraints of moral
principle, who Is little more than n
highwayman at heart, and who boldly
robs, under cover of law, until he
counts his millions, Is certainly very
demoralizing. No one may measure
the extent of Its unhappy Intluence. It
Is startling and dazzling and enticing.
A proportion of our youth become be
wildered as they look upon It, and for
getting that there Is a moral ln.w which
forces a man to pay his debts either
before deatli or after, they pursue the
tactics of their idol. There Is un
doubtedly an appealing Inspiration In
the life of even the wildest adventurer
who delles fate, challenges the world,
and by dint of audacity, If not of cour
age, achieves what he calls success. I
have no Inclination, therefore, to Ig
nore tlie fact that there Is contagion
In a life which Is brilliant, even though
it be at the same time criminal.
Rut I Insist that there Is Just as
much contagion In a good deed as in
a bad one that the holiness of one life
conveys Itself into another life and
produces the same results there.
In physical experiences the agent of
communication Is a germ or a microbe;
In spiritual experiences It Is an Idea.
I have heard physicians say that the
contagiousness of a disease depends
i largely on circumstances. If you are
In a thoroughly healthy condition your
system closes every door and the genu
cannot enter; you enjoy absolute' Im
munity from danger. If. on the con
trary, you are susceptible or predis
posed to the malady, then the germ
takes root and you become III. Wheth
er or not you catch tlie disease is de
termined by the weakness or strength
of your own body. Nurses may watch
over the dying and never feel the ef
fects of the ailment which sups tlie
life of the sufferer.
It is tlie same in the moral world.
Contagion there depends on yourself
also, and to a far greater extent. If
you lack spiritual strength and ambi
tion, if your sense of honor Is only
slightly developed, if your self-respect
is at a low ebb, then the example of
the man who wins a fortune by nefari
ous menus like the microbe of typhoid
Hnds a lodgment In your soul, Is
cherished nnd multiplied by its envi
ronment, until at last immorality lias
the resistless sweep of u blizzard and
tears up by the roots every heavenly
and every manly aspiration.
If you bad Impregnable uprightness
of character. If nefarious methods
were abhorrent to you, there would be
no attractiveness In vicious deeds, and
they would have no more alluring
power than the fire has, which may
coax you to thrust your hand Into II,
but which coaxes in vain.
There is contagion in goodness, pro
vided you are in a condition to re
ceive it. A grand and glorious life
rouses you to imitation. Tho reputa
tion achieved by honest methods so
affects us that we build a monument
to me man who possesses it and tell
our boys to ami do likewise. I do
not believe that the lnlliience of a
pure life can be reckoned, so far-reaching,
so Inspiring, Is It.
When Father Dainien died among
the lepers of the Sandwich Islands, his
heroism and self-snciillce were so con
tngious thnt scores of applicants pray
ed for the privilege of continuing his
work, with the certainty of death ns
the result. Such wns the Influence
of his lonely, snintly. and godlike mis
sion that it was considered a bo. ,i to
bo Immured within those leprous walls
and to fill nt last a leper's grave.
It Is a mistake to talk of the con
tagiousness of vice and to ignore that
of virtue. This would be a queer
world If one could catch the Impulse
to evil, but not the Impulse to good.
It may serve the purpose of the orator
who seeks n telling period to tell us
IFCflUrW
this, If he Is willing to sncrlllce truth
to rhetoric, but the stern and glorious
facts give an emphatic denial to tho
statement. Mankind are nobler and
truer and more moral than ever before.
Public opinion Is more generous and
more Just. We have a larger faith
than our fathers, and more true relig
ion than has heretofore been found on
the planet. Why Is this? Simply and
only because truth and honesty and
purity and all the nobler qualities of
character are contagious, nnd becnuso
the contagion of vice Is growing less
dangerous year by yean
It. Is safe to conclude that, ufter all,
this Is God's world. For that reason
the tide of righteousness should be on
the Hood, while the tide of vice should
be on the ebb, and a little observation
will show that this Is true.
A LESSON OF I M M O I IT A 1 j IT V.
Ity Hev. Or. talk Vldaver.
And he charged them and said unto
them, 1 am to bo gathered unto my
people, etc. Heliosis, xllx., v. "I).
in the above words, which Patriarch
Jacob uttered in his dying hour, ho In
timated that death Is not extinction
but merely a departure for home, it
return to his kindred, a reuniting to
his dear ones who preceded him lntoi
the land of the living, never to be sep
arated from them again. Tho right-1
cons and godly man abhors deatli ad
the nniilhllator of body and soul, and
tlnds consolation In the thought tlia,t
"his redeemer Ilveth." Yes, that tho
heavenly portion within him Is exempt
from death and lives and retains ItH
Identity to all eternity. The certainty
of death does not rutlle his equanimity,
nor does It. disturb his peace. Ilq.
clings to life tenaciously amid the se
verest trials. It never occurs to him'
to free himself from suffering by end
ing his life, for be firmly believes that
only God, who gave him a soul, has a
right, to take It away from hint, and
the bitter cup which he Is draining
has been placed at his lips by Provi
dence for some good purpose.
The unbeliever, however, who says
that deuth hns no terror for him, nnd
thnt. he looks upon It ns a benefactor
because It will bestow upon him ever
lasting rest, Is illogical in Ids conclu
sion. Rccnusc an eternal cessation of
activity and a rest of which tho human
frame is unconscious Is more revolting
and terrifying to the sound and sensi
ble tii I ii 1 1 than a life of care and trou
ble. It. Is only belief In Immortality
ami resurrection that lends to the idea
of eternal rest weight and significance.
True, that the belief In resurrection Is
not mentioned at all by Moses, but by
the prophets after him; yet the belief
in Immortality Is not only referred to
In tlie Pentateuch by Intimation but
even though no reference had been
made to it wo had been Justified In
supposing that, that belief was deeply
rooted In tlie hearts of the children of
Israel. For belief in God can never bo
perfect without belief In Immortality.
These two beliefs form one complete
unit, lie who firmly believes In an
all wise, all kind, nil Just, and omnipo
tent. Creator surely admits that man,
who is God's best workmanship, has
not been created merely to dwell a
short while in this transitory world
and then pass away like u shadow;
but man has been created to prepare
himself on earth for an endless career
in the world to come.
Short Meter SermoiiH.
Denial brings delight.
A whining religion wins none.
Work Is the one cure for worry.
Don't Judge the nut by the burr.
Sins confessed are half conquered.
Faith is more than four of the fu
ture. A double mind Is always a borrowed
one.
A light heart. Is a lighthouse for
hearts.
A man Is highest when he Is hum
blest. A little cheer Is worth a lot of criti
cism. Duty Is the law of which love Is tho
life.
Man judges by our hits, God by our
alms.
Piety Is tho opposite of spiritual
pauperism.
The cross Is a good symbol but a
poor sign.
Religion is never worn out by every
day use.
Flowers of rhetoric make poor food
for faith.
Nothing Is conquered until self is
overcome.
A soft snap bus a hard catch Id It
somewhere.
Service for others Is the solvent of;
our own sorrows.
Only a dead honor needs pride to pre.
serve It.
When Justice Is falling an excuse M
a pooi' umbrella.
Truth cannot be expressed wher
sincerity Is suppressed.
A man's greatness Is seen In his roe
ognltlon of goodness.