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if
CARL DUNDER
America Was a Great Place, But He Can't Understand
the People.
lif K. QUAD -CopjTlRlit, IM
"Sergeant," began Air. J)nii(lr as lie
entered lliu police Htntion the othrritft
umoon xvith an nnxlotiH look, "I mihIi in
America for )!i years, lull mebbe I
don't, nil cli on ,v'l. It vtish u great
country for business, bill dcre vault
mimic ipirer peoples mound."
"Wlllll llllH llll)MIH!(17" llskeil the ser
geant. "Vhell, I vims in bed. Sin vnsli after
midnight, mid 1 vnsh asleep. Koine
body rings my doorbell ten times, mid
1. wnke oop mid put my liend out of der
window mid say who you lire mid what
you want,? It vitas a tiitui mid lie looks
iop 1111(1 filiy,'
" 'Vims your inline Johnson?'
"'So, Kir, in. v naiiiu vIiiik bunder.'
"Dunder. eh!'
4"Ycs, Kir.
'"Hut. II ought to be Johnson. If I
SvjiHc a mile mid ring dot bell to tind
Johnson. 1 don't like to find I) under. It
vhas a mean trick on a man who loves
bin country. You vlias too fresh, und
if yon comedown here I'll flxyouout!' "
"He evidently made a mistake in the
Jioukc." explained the sergeant.
"Yes, mebbe he did, but it don't seem
right to me. I like to be Johnson to
oblige somebody, but how can I be
vhen 1 vhas Dunder? Nobody can be
two minis, can he? Home other night,
vlu'ii I was dreaming ahay, somebody
rings dot bell mill wakes me oop. I
look oiidl und find a man, mid he saws:
"'Vhell, I vIiiih here.'
"lJnd who Iias you?' I ask.
My nanii! vhas Shones.'
" 'Hut I don't" know you.'
' M)ol makes no deefcrenee. My name
vha.s Shones, mid if you ihlt like to
hc ine 1 vhill be around.'"
"That was only a trilling tiling,"
wild the sergeant. "Jones evidently
labored under some mistake."
"Hut 1 can't make him omit," insist
ed Air. Dander. "If he vhas Shones,
und if he likes to do some business mit
me, vliy don't he come by daylight V
All virus strange and epicer in dis coun
try. Two days ago a man conies in
my place und looks around und says:
"'VIiiih your inline Schmidt?'
'"No it vhas Dmidcr. Vhas you
looking for .Schmidt?'
" 'Oh, no.'
" 'Vhas you looking for Dunder?'
No.'
""Vhell, how vhas it?'
""It vhas all right. I sliust ask if
you vhas Schmidt.'
'"Hut how if I vhas Schmidt?'
" 'Den you vhas not Dunder I'
"Alebbu you can explain about dot,
sergeant?" said Air. Dunder, as he
Xiounded on the desk. "Can somebody
come, und talk to me like dot und make
mi! all upset? Don't I have some law
on him?"
"I should say the mail was a dry sort
of a joker."
"If he x litis dry vliy don't he buy
Koine beer to vet oop? If he likes some
hhokes vliy don't he laugh? I shall
damage dot man if he comes some
moix. 1 vhtiK gone home der other day
because I don't feel vlie.ll, und I vhas
hitting by der door vhen a mail comes
along it n 1 1 says:
'"How about dot money?'
Vliut money?'
" 'Dot $20,000 you found In der alley?
'"Mill 1 don't Und him.'
'"Don't you? Vhell, I belief you
-.has a hiiHtlur, but I guilds I vhas mis
took.' "I like him to uoimi in uud explain,
but. ha won't. Ilu says ho vhas in n
big hurry and can't stop. Surgtiiiut, I
don't Mud no JUO.OUO in der alley. "
"No?"
X '
C2WtJtZC2Z2ixal(
iUffl
1
f
"Und vliy
does In: come mid ask
ine
"I presume he wanted to know."
"Vhell, I don't make him oudt. No
body loses $20,000, mid nobody finds
$20,000, mid ,xet dot man asks me about
It. I vhas so excited I don't sleep all
dot night. Cud how about dot man
mid a brick? I vhas in my place vhen
he comes in mit a parcel. He looks all
around und says he vill lock der door
und be secret. He walks on tip-toe und
speaks in whispers. He puts dot pur
eel on a table und takes off ten papers
und says:
'"Air. Dunder, how has dot ?
'"It xluia a bilck.'
" 'Did you ccr see one before?'
"'Lots of times, of course.
"Vhell, I x has surprised about dot.
If you ever see one he vhas a curi
osity. He 1iiih made of clay, und he
vhas used to build walls. You can't
burn him oop like wood, mid lie ktbt
1 0,01)0 years.' "
"Well?" queried Hie .sergeant.
"Vhell, how vhas dot?" demanded
Air. Dunder. "Don't I see some bricks
before? Don't I know all about bricks?
.Must dot man lock der door und speak
in whispers to show ine a brick? Jlow
lias it dot sooeh things vhas in Amer
ica? Two night ago sonic one kicks
on mv door und niuucs a great noise
und scares me awful bad. Vhen I look
oudt a feller says:
"'Hello, you --vhas you asleep when
I kick on der door?'
" 'Of course I vhas. Vlias der some
1 rubbles?'
" 'I guess not.'
'"No fin no robbers?'
" 'No.'
" 'Hut vliy you kick on my door?'
"'To see if you hns asleep or
awake!'
"Vhell, sergeant, I don't hnf no gun
nor dynamite und I can't kill him, but
1 like you to put der law after him. It
can't be right to speak to me like dot.
How vhas it only last night? I vhas
on my doorstep, smoking my pipe,
hen a stranger unities along und walks
into my house- mid sits down und
pounds on der wall und cries out for
somebody to come along queck.
" 'Who you vims'." 1 savs.
" 'Hash Hi-own.'
" 'Und vlint you do here?'
" 'I vhas an orphan.'
" Mbit hy you come, in my house?'
" Mteeausu ohe vhas an orphan asy
lum.' " 'You vhas mistook.'
"'Oh ah 1 see. Vhell, a gold cure
vhas shust as good, und you hurry oop
dose fried oysiers!'
"Serirennt." said Afr. Dunder. as thev
looked at each other, "can you under
stand how she vhas?'
"Why, it's just our way, you know,"
slowly replied the officer.
"Und 1 must be mixed oop all der
time?"
"I don't know about that."
"Hut I knows! Look at me, sergeant!
America vhas a great place, und I like
to live here. 1 shall be mixed oop no
more. 1 shall protect myself. Vhen I
go home 1 shall Jlml a mini in my place.
II- vhill look all around und say:
"'Do you know my name is llrown?'
"lie llks mi! to say no, so he can sa.x
because it ain't Hlack, but 1 don't do it
-hal ha! ha! 1 smile a luetic and
reach for my club, und I smile some
more und move along, und in shust one
minute more pop! bang!
"And and what?" tihUed the ser
geant. "He vhas lying on dot floor, und der
coroner says he vhas so dead he don't
know hat hit him! Yes, sir dot vhas
it, uud nobody won't bother me no
mote, mul I vhas all K. (). Sergeant,
joint day!"
After Dark In Manila.
All yon intililoiiH, fair to mo;
You with eyes a In ('lilnt-e,
You with Malay blood ho ftee,
Yon iluti 1Ihi In Juuwuh
You who mew on HimiiUh true,
From my presence do not tine;
You ato illuYront, you'll airu:
Stop sail hear my ( anient plea
You nil look alike to mo,
After dark
Cleveland Hula Healer.
Too XI oe It I'lilillcll),
"I broke my ongtiifonieiit with AIImk
Pinky."
Sleklen No!
"Shi! wiih going around tolling every
body that I with iliiad in luvu with hiir,'.'
Chlwigo Kuuord.
1 w1''
I M QUAD'S FUN
v?6ie'C0PYRIQHT ZQZ$$6
.MMJIIT It A VI'. HI'lJN WOH.NIJ.
I was sitting with Col. Tom Davis
In front of the "Dig Four" ranch house,
when one of his men who had been oil"
among the hills to help turn back u
bunch of lost steers rode up to make
his report.
"Wall, kurncl," he began, "we found
them steers over among the Jackson
hills, and of all the purty sights I ever
did sec this one beat 'cm all."
"What particular sight do you refer
to?" asked the colonel.
"Why, the nilnlt them steers cotched
sight of us, up went every head and
tail and they made a break. Thar' xvas
about 500 of tliuiu, and thi'.y kept to
gether like cavalry. It was mighty
purty, kurnel miglity purty."
"Well, you brought tlie.ni home?"
"No, kurnel, wo didn't. They headed
Into the hills with the four of us nrter
them, and I tell you it was a purty
sight to see. The first to go down was
Tom Heaver."
"How do you mean?"
"lie got ahead of 'em on the left, and
his boss stumbled. The hull drove went
right oer Tom, and I never seen no
purtier sight in all my life. When wo
got up to him we couldn't find so much
as one of his boots. Iloss and man was
jest clean trampled into the airth."
"Well, what next?" asked the col
onel. "Then Hlack Pete got ahead of 'em
on the light, and he was millin' 'cm
around when his ho.is struck a gopher
hole uud pitched forward. Them steers
was atop of him in no time. I've seen
some purty sights In my time, Kurncl
Davis, but I never seed anything to
beat that. I jest had to holler. We
found a piece of the saddle, but we
didn't find nuthin'of Pete."
"Any more of the boys wiped out?"
"Jim ICosko, sir. Jim took a short
cut and headed oil" the bunch, and he'd
n-turiicd 'em if his boss hadn't got
bogged. They went over him like a
sheep over a hog. Purtiness wasn't no
name for it. It was icst siilendiferous.
sir. I couldn't find nuthin'of Jim when
I got to the bog."
"And so you brought the cattle home
alone?" carelessly queried the colonel,
as he knocked the ashes of his eiirar.
"No, sir. He fore I could overhaul 'cm
they struck Tiger river. It was at) foot
deep nl that spot, with a high bank
on t'other side, and every last infernal
steer was drowned. I've seen some
purty sights in my time, kurnel, but
of all"
"Do you think we can save anv of the
hides?"
"Not a one, sir."
"Fixe hundred steers, three horses
and three good men gone, eh?"
I liey are, sir.
"Well, it's too bad. but xvu can't help
it. You'd better get breakfast and then
turn in for a rest."
When the man had gone I asked the
colonel if the nexvs could be true, and
he calmly replied:
"Of course. (Had it xvasn't a cloud
burst up Sassafras valley, or 1 might
have lost ten men and horses and all
my drove. Out in this country you are
alxvays glad of xvhat don't happen."
TIIK OTIIIOU SK.VI'K.
"Among the things I can't make out,"
said the New York drummer, "is what
becomes of the odd rolkr skate. It's a
matter I've figured on for several years,
but have as yet received no satisfac
tory explanation."
"What do you mean?" xvas asked.
"Well, xvhen I am taking a week in
New York I can hardly xvalk a block
xvithout coining across a boy xvho is
pushing himself along on an old roller
skate to his right foott 1 start out
on my trip and visit 10 towns in
the interior of the state. In each toxvn
I run up against a boy and a roller
skate. 1 get around to HutVulo and he
is there. I take a run doxvn to Cleve
land, and there are lots of him. I skip
over to Toledo, and I find him as soon
as I leave the depot. I switch over to
Detroit, and In! he is there. I took the
boat from Detroit to HutValoonc nitrht.
and sure as ou live that one-skate
boy xxas aboard the boat shunling
around! 1 have found him at Cape
May in July, and in the Catskills in
August."
"And the odd skate?"
"As I said, that's xvhat bothers me.
It is always the right-foot skate he
wears. What has become of the left?
Why doesn't the boy put on both?
What particular comfort docs he get
out of seiifiliug around on one foot ? Is
that other skate lost, strayed or stolen?
Is it minus .i wheel and waiting for re
pairsever waiting? Was there a pair
of skates originally, or did the boy
trade a hunk of gum and a broken
jack-knife for the one skate? I can tin
derstand xxhv panics and wars and
calamities occur I know something of
geology, natural hitor, astronomy
mul physics but I can't solve the mys
tery of the oue-hkate boy and I've tired
of trying."
Aliiinl (lit- Slc of 11.
Thu Dude Cut axv-fter all, I weally
Hitppose but foryouah birth you would
bo me equal, (lonelier know.
- Thu Unglneor Undoubtedly. Had l
lidt bituii born, suppOM1 I would be u
noituiiity tilno, llostou Journal,
BIG DAY FOR ST. LOUIS.
Tim Cruder Nnnlnllle, tlio Flrxt Nii-Ooln
VonftH i:wr Swell In Tlint City, IIiiUiiihI-
ustlnilly (Irrctcd by .Mimy JVojiIii.
St. Louis, Alay 11. The third-class
cruiser Nashville, the first sea-going
war vessel that ever came up the Alis
Bissippl river this far, is noxv riding at
anchor off St. Couis. Shu arrived at
112:50 yesterday afternoon and dropped
anchor in midstream, saluting the city
xvitli !il guns, xvhiuh were responded to
by battery A, Missouri national guard,
and the whistles of all tho river craft
and along shore factories, as well as
the shouts of tens of thousands of peo
ple xvho croxvded the levee and the
tops of the buildings and lined the
sides of the great Fads bridge. Tho
harbor boat City of St. Louis, with
the reception committee of prom
inent business men, the mayor and
city officials on board, steamed doxvn
tho rix-cr and met tho Nashville lii miles
beloxx-, at JctVerson Harracks. Oil" tho
barracks, xvhiuh is a military post, tho
Nashville hove to long enough to fire a
salute of 'J I guns, xvhiuh was answered
by a battery on the bluff, and several
hundred soldiers on shore added their
shouts to the noisy welcome. All along
the river from the barracks to the city
thu shores xvere lined xvith people who
xviived Hags and fired salutes from guns
of all descriptions.
BUILT IN A DAY.
Mountain View, Olc, tlio XXtTn TirinlniiH
of tlio Itock IhIiiikI !?xt(-lilii, llu-
coiiics u City In 'J4 Itotirx.
Kl lleno, Ok., Alay 11. The town
building record in Oklahoma is noxv
held by Mountain View, Washita coun
ty. On Monday the toxvnsite was prai
rie. On the same day it was surveyed
and platted and a large portion of it
sold and settled upon, the Washita
river xvas bridged and a vast quantity of
accumulated freight moved and located;
the toxvn xvas organized anil officered
and all lines of business and pro
fessions started. The town in one day
became a settled city of 800, xvith W.
II. V. Yates as mayor, Senator O. W.
Bellamy as treasurer and Col. John
Kerfoot as police judge, xvith a full
complement of councilinen and minor
officers. Some of the lots sold as high
as S'JOO within !!0 minutes from the
time the surveyor drove his stakes.
Mountain View is the western termi
nus of the Rock Island extension across
the famous Comanche and Apache
country.
ABOUT DEWEY'S HOME-COMING
Tim AVst IfOIuIdiiK it Stronu 1'tTort to IIuxo
thu Admiral Croix tho Continent
from S:in Knim-Nun.
Washington, Alay 11. The effort be
gun in the west to have Admiral Dewey
return by way of San Francisco is be
ing supplemented here. The represent
ative of one of the large transcontinent
al railxvays called at the naxy
department yesterday and state 1 that
if Admiral Dewey returned by way of
San Francisco this road proposed to
place at his service an entire train, the
finest that ever crossed the continent,
and make it subject to his wishes as
to the places and time of stops on tho
way east. It xvas urged also that this
would give practically the whole coun
try an opportunity to join in the recep
tion of the hero of Alanila, instead of
restricting it to the stretch between
New York and Washington.
A DOUBTING PROFESSOR.
OHi-iir W. .XlorKim. f Iruk! University, Act-used
of Heresy IIochuho He Doiw Not
Kelloto tho Scriptures Are Inspired.
Des Aloines, la., Alay 11. Drake uni
versity, the Iowa college of the Chris
tian church, endowed' by ex-Oov. Drake,
has a heresy scandal. Prof. Oscar W.
Morgan, of the chair of Hiblical lan
guages and history, does not believe in
the inspiration of the Scriptures, and
has said as much to the classes under
his charge, lie says freely that he
considers the Jewish peopie a race in
xvhose affairs the hand of Clod has been
ever present and manifest, but he does
not believe that the recording of their
history xvas done by direct divine in
spiration. Thedivinity students asked
for his removal.
l'lielierH Want Miles itemoved.
Washington, Alay 11. Alueh pres
sure, it is said, is being brought to bear
by the beef packers to have den. Allies
relieved of the command of the army
as a punishment for bringing discredit
on the American meat throughout the
xvorld. The action of a committee of
the Herman reichstag in favoring a bill
discriminating against American meats
is pointed to as a result of .Miles' course.
Miss Smith's Judgment Sutlslled.
Kansas City, Mo., May 11. Aliss Alar
tha Smith is now in possesion of every
bit of Dr. Howard S. Howry's property,
valued at 515,000 or 510,000. lie deeded
all of his real estate to her yesterday
and she xxent to the courthouse and
satisfied the 525,000 judgment by sign
ing the records. This finally settle tho
most sensational breach of promise suit
over bt ought In the circuit court.
(leu, Howard lte-i:ieeled President.
New York, .May 11. The Mix-enty-fourth
annual meetiugof the American
Tract society was held hero to-day.
lien, O. O. Howard presided. The so
eluty haii had to retrench expenses dur
ing the past year, the total illsburse
muut.s showing 5'lb2,771 and leaving
cash on hand of only 50 lit, lieu. How
ard vvnw riKiluutud pruAldunt.
THE CROWD TOO GREAT.
Torrllilo Jittti nt St. T.ouIn Tliurmliiy to So
the "Warship Niinhvlllo KcmuU
In It I'll n lc.
St. Louis, May 12. A vast concourse
of people filled the levee from ten
o'clock yesterday morning until live
o'clock in the afternoon eagerly axvait
ing an opportunity to be ferried out to
the gunboat Nashville anchored in
mid-stream. The privilege of transpor
tation had been granted to but one ferry
company in order that the Nashville
may not be overcrowded. This com
pany's wharf boat xvas jammed. At.
noon tho jam xvas increased. Suddenly
n small child xvas pushed off the wliuvr
Into the river. Instantly a policeman
followed and as the water xvas shallow
tho child was soon rescued. The ex
citement, however, caused a panic, and
several men were shoved over tho
edge of the wharf ami waded
out. At least 25 women faint
ed and xvere in danger of being
trampled, but the police succeeded in
carrying every one out of the jam. No
body was injured. Several children
fell into the water during the day, but
xvere rescued before they got beyond
their depth.
AN UNUSUAL OFFENSE.
Alonso Armitronp, of Linden, Mo., Under
Arrcitt for the Alleged Violation of
Out) of tho I'OHtul I.uvvrt.
Kansas City, Alo., Alay 12. Alonzo
Armstrong, of Linden, Alo., assistant
in the post office of which his daughter
is postmistress, was arrested on the
charge of having committed an unusual
offense against the government. Sonic
time ago he wished to buy- some
merchandise by mail order. The stamps
required amounted to SI. 43, and these
he purchased from himself, and inclosed
in the letter xvith his order, lie claiiiiH
to have put the money for the stamps
in the cash draxver tit the time
the stamps xvere taken out. There is
no discrepancy in the post office ac
counts, but this allegation and faut will
not get Air. Armstrong out of the diffi
culty. The law explicitly forbids tho
purchasing of stamps for use in lieu of
currency by any one having the custody
of them. The penalty is a fine of not
less than $50 nor more than S500.
l'lttslnirc Miners Culled Out.
Pittsburg, Kan., Alay 12. Acting xip
on instructions from President Alitch
ell, of the national organization, W. T.
Wright, president of district No. 14,
litis issued a call for a suspension of
work in the mines of the Western Coal
&. Alining company, the Kansas it Tex
as Coal company, the Central Coal fe
Coke company, and the Southxvestern
Improvement company, on next Satur
day. President Wright said that only
tho four companies would be called out
now, but would not say that a general
strike would not occur before the fight
is ended.
Ktillroiids Pear it Tie-Up.
Fort Scott, Kan., Alay 12. In antici
pation of a general coal strike in tho
southeast Kansas and southxvest Alis
souri mines the railroad companies are
straining their respectix'e capacities to
get the coal out of the mining towns.
The companies feel pretty certain of a
tie-up and tire making every prepara
tion for trouble that may result be
txveen striking miners and non-union
men whom the companies xvill employ
in the emergency.
Kesults llitve Iteen Uncertain.
Washington, Alay 12. Gen. Greely
has made the first authoritative state
ment as to the progress making in tho
development of wireless telegraphy un
der the auspices of the United States
signal corps. The important conclu
sion is reached by Gen. Greely that tho
wireless system is not likely to sup
plant tTie ordiiiai'3' method of tele
graphic communication. The results
so far obtained have been uncertain.
Fight Over nn Fleet Ion.
Wichita, Kan., Alay 12. A report!
from Alva, Ok., which is authoritative,
states ti pastor of the Alethodist church
and Gen. llardxvick had a fist fight in
the street there, both participants ap
pealing to their friends to Allow them
to fight to a finish. The marshal finally
separated and arrested them. The
fight grew out of the recent election,
which was a bitter one, betxveen the
church and saloon element.
lluve Dropped Mayor Jones.
Toledo, O., Alay 12. The Lucas coun
ty delegates to the republican state
convention have dropped Mayor Jones
and practically united on Noah II.
Swayne, of this city, as a candidate for
governor. All that remains is Air.
Swayne's content, xvhich, it is under
stood, will be gix-cn. Air. Swayne is
an ardent supporter of President Ale
Kinley. Sunday Sehool Jubilee at Kansas City.
Kansas City, Alo., Alay 12. A grand
jubilee of all the pupils of the Protes
tant Sunday schools in Kansas City is
to be held in the Convention hall ou
the afternoon and night of Alay 20.
Alore than 12,000 pupils and 1.000 teach
ers and officers of Kansas City Sunday
schools xvill take part lit the demon
stratloti.
Date for the Chteugo Meetlni;,
Chicago, .May 12. The Civic Federa
tion of Chicago has t.eleeted June 25 to
20, inclusive, as the dater. for a nation
al conference in Chie.ipo to discuss
trusts. Tho call for tin gathering
states that Its purposu l.i "to consider
the subjocth of trunU in vheir retntlou
to economic conditions uiucsrully."
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