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THE SAWED-OFF AVAN
llo Ooonn't Got a Fair Show In Tnli
World of Tall Ones.
Copyrlchl. i8g8 By M. QUAD. l
&.mmmmmmmms.K
"Do you know, sir do you know that
I'm seriously contemplating suicide?"
cald the sawed-off man, as he put his
back to the front wall of the post office
nnd got n brace of his feet to hold him
there.
"What sorrowful thing has hap
pened?" was asked."
"Nothing special. It's simply the
continuation of n sorrow that came
with my birth. I've got tired of being
n suwod-off man and want a change.
Tor 30 years I've been trying to bear up
tinder it and deceive myself, but I've
got to open my eyes whether I want to
cr not. A sawed-off man Is simply N. U.
in this world, and the sooner he gets
out of It the happier he will be."
"What has a man's height to do with
joys and sorrows?" queried the other.
"Kverything, sir everything. If you
vtere a sawed-off man you would not
usk that question. You would huvo
been made to realize, almost from your
birth, that height means more than
riches. I can't remember what hap
pened up to my first birthday, but from
that time on I was a miserable baby
If I'd been designed for either a dime
museum midget or a modern Hercules
nobody would have heard a kick from
me, but the doctor settled it that I was
to be a betwixt and between and thus
wrecked my life. If I'd been a midget
the women would have taken me up n
their arms and exclaimed: 'Ohl how
little and cute!' If I'd been designed
for a giant they would have rolled me
around and cried out: 'My, but Isn't he
n whopper! ' Being a betwixt and be
tween they poked their lingers Into my
ribs and contemptuously said: 'Why,
he'll grow up to be a runt of a maul' "
"Well, you grew up," said the other
nfter a painful pause.
"Of course I did!" bittertly exclaimed
the sawed-off man, as he waved n
arm about. "Death could have stepped
in at any time until 1 was 12 years old
and found me Innocent hearted and in
sured me further happiness, but death
would not do it. 1 was too small to be
noticed. Even the measles and whoop
ing cough passed me by, and I can't re
member that 1 ever fell into a mud
hole, down a vvell or got run over by a
butcher cart. As a kid all the other
kids called me 'runt or 'banta.' 1 wus
left out of all games because my legs
were too short, and if 1 was invited to
n party it was that they might make
fun of me. Oh, yes oh, yes, 1 remem
ber all about it, and the wonder is that
I haven't turned loose and killed a doz
en tall men before this!"
The other didn't know exactly wnat
to say and so kept silent, and with n
sob In his throat the sawed-off man
continued:
"As a young man I was neither n
baby, a kid, a youth, a young man nor
a man. Nobody could get a line on me.
1 had the legs of a boy, the body of
n youth and the head of a young man,
and I can't wonder that folks were
puzzled. When I recall those years of
doubt and suffering and sorrow I want
to die right here and now. I don't
know why I lived to be a man. Per
haps I had a dim idea that 1 might get
blown up on a steamboat, wrecked on
MARRY A MAN SIX FEET TALL.
n railroad or meet with a cyclone, and
that I'd pet teleseoned Into n miclirnt nr
drawn out into u man, but this has
never Happened. I am still a 'runt'
a 'banta' a 'sawed-off. You seem 'o
pity me, but you. couldn't pity me
enough if you went into it is a busi
ness on a capital of $250,000. Say, now.
just imagine me as delivering a Fourth
of July address, will you! 1 know tlie
history of this country from the land
ing of the Mayflower down, but if 1
was to be put up on a platform to ttii
of its glorious record I'd get the grand
guy before I opened my mouth. You
can't make nobody believe that a
sawed-off man has any oratory in his
head or patriotism in his heart."
"I think I see," mused the other, as
he slowly nodded his head.
"Y'ou see, of course. How could you
help it? At the. ago of 23 I felt it my
duty to marry. How d'ye think l came
out? I couldn't find a girl on the face,
of the earth who wasn't at least a head
taller than I am, and 1 got the throw
down till I had to give it up in despair.
My last love affair was with a midget
tvo feet high, but after considering my
proposal for two wcclt3 sho deoidtd
to throw mo over and marry a man six
feet tall. As to matrimony, I'm hoo
dooed, sir knocked clean over the
fence because I'm a 'banta.' Like all
other men, I wanted to go into politic:.
I couldn't see no reason why 1 shouldn't
be an alderman. 1 had the brain power
and the money, but when 1 began to
lay wires I was laughed to scorn. The
professional ward heelers wouldn't
even take my cash and holler for me.
I never heard that there was a rule that
a politician should bo over a certain
height and weight, but it seems thero
is, and that sawed-off men must stand
aside. I've thought of taking the leo
ture field. I've got a feeling that I
could entertain an audience and make
$200 a week for mybclf, but there is a
bar again. 1 go to the manager of a
lecture bureuu and ask for an engage
ment, and he leans back and laughs.
Then he wants to know whether 1 pro
pose to stand on stilts or take a seatou
the top of a step-ladder while deliver
ing my remarks. If I get on my dignity
it reminds him of a chicken bristling
up to a strawstaek, and if I seek to
arouse his sympathy lie pats me on the
head and calls me 'bub.' Arc you look
ing down on mo nnd listening from up
there?"
It's tuiT tuff," replied the other.
"I never had any idea that a sawed-otf
man met up with such sorrows."
"Probably not. The tall world goes
skating along with never n thought of
"ONLY HALF FAKE FOR CHILDREN."
the short. A j'cnr or so ago I turned
to poetry. I mailed a poem to a maga
zine and received a check for 25 and
an order for a second idyl. Instead of
mailing it 1 carried it in. Tho result
was what I might have expected. The
editor said he wasn't publishing a chil
oren's magazine, and that I'd better
send my stuff to sonic juvenile publica
tion. It was the same thing when I
turned to prose. I wrote a story about
he big trees of California, and the
editor looked from the story to me and
laughed like the hyena he was and said
tho inconsistency was too vivid. Ills
advice was that I write of currant
bushes. Oh, yes oh, yes, I've been
through it and am Hearing tin; end!
As a sawed-off man I've fought the
world and been downed, and it's no use
to kick against fate. This morning I
had a little gleam of sunshine and al
most decided to live on. I was drawn
on tho jury, same as any other man.
I haven't shown up yet, and don't know
what sort of a welcome I'll get from
the judge, but in serving me with the
notice the constable didn't even grin. I
was patting myself on the back over
this when I took the car to come down.
I handed the conductor a nickel and
turned away, but he Ihrust two cents at
me and smilingly snid: 'O11I3' half fare
for children on this route!' And now,
sir and now what do you say to all
this? Would you continue to live on
as a sawed-off man, or would you end it
all in sweet oblivion?"
"Well, sonny," began the other, as
Le stared at the billboards across the
street, but the sawed-off man threw up
his hands and shouted:
"There you go there you go! Y'ou
cill me 'sonny' in place of 'sir' or 'mis
ter!' Y'ou wouldn't dare do that if 1
was six feet high and weighed ISO
pounds! No, sir, you wouldn't!"
"But see here, kid, I want to "
"Kid! Kid!"
"Well, youngster, give me a show.
was going to say that "
"Stopl I might havo known that it
would happen when wc first started In.
There Is no show for a sawed-off man
on this earth. It is tho end. Good
right and good-by!"
And the little man started off Into the
night, and grew smaller and smaller by
degrees, until he had reached the end
of the block and vanished entirely from
eight. And the tall man watched him
until he became nothing, nnd then
smiled at the billboard and whispered:
"That peppery little cuss ought to be
spanked and put to bed."
Iloiit-Ht Tom.
Teacher You havo named all domes
tic animals save one. It has bristly
hair, it is filthy, likes dirt and is fond
of mud. Well, Tom?
Tom (shamefacedly) That's me.
The Klval.
All the World Could Hoar.
Mrs CriniHonbeak My life, John, la
an open book,
Mr. Crlmsonbeak That's tho trou
bloj I wish to goodness I could shut
you up some time! Yonkcra Statesman.
m&'mm,mkmmMEm':'Hte'v
IS IT ROUND OR FLAT?!
Jep Jones Toll How the flqunn Creek
Folk Debuted the Queatlon.
($ Copyright, ift8. By M. QUAD.
wwSwiiwawwww
One day Deacon Spooncr met Abra
ham Cosgrove as tin latter was com
ing up from the flshln' dock, and after
the deacon had told about beln' seized
with cholera morbus in the night and
received a proper amount of sympathy,
he said:
"Look here, Abraham, sunthin' ortcr
be done to kinder stir our folks up."
"That's jest what I was thlnkln' of
this mornln'," says Abe.
"It's comlu' on fall and long cvenin's,
and you know what the programme will
be. For six evenln's In the week about
10 of us will gather at Parker's grocery
and talk about sharks and whales and
wrecks, and every man will be on his
mettle to tell a bigger lie than anybody
else. It ain't the tiling to do, Abe Cos
grove, and you know It ain't."
"It's kinder pleasant to hear folks
lie," says Abo as a Binlle rests on his
face.
"Yes, I know, and we like to He our
selves, but it ain't human progress. Slt
tin' around a one-hoss grocery and
tcllln' lies ain't calculated to put this
town on no pinnacle. 'Pears to me the
time has come when we orter git above
elch things."
"What shall wc do, deacon?"
"I've thought it all over, and it
'pears to me that we ortcr git up a dc
batln' society. Wc con call up all sorts
ot questions and talk and argue, and
I guess we'll learn sunthin' from it."
Abo thought the plan a good one,
and he nnd the deacon went to talk
In' witli others, and the result was tluit
a debatin' society was organized. It
DEACON SPOONER TRIED TO
took in about every man in Sqnan
Creek, and on the night the first meet
in' was held a good share of the crowd
had combed their hair for the first
time in four weeks. Deacon Spooner
was elected president as a reward for
bringln' out the Idea, and when the
machinery was in order he rose up and
said:
"We will now proceed to introduce n
question nnd debate it. I think we'd
better begin way back at first princi
ples nnd work up sorter gradually. In
that way nobody will run the risk of
beln' suddenly paralyzed. Wo will be
gin witii the world. I've heard say
that it was round, nnd I've heard say
that it was flat. As I've never been
further than Philadelphia my mind Is
r.ot fully made up. Them as thinks the
world Is round will speak first."
Moses Simpson was the firbt man to
speak. Ho said he used to believe the
world was flat until ho made a trip out
west. After gittln 100 miles from
Squnn Creek he noticed that his feet
kept slippin', and that it was hard to
stand up straight, and by the time ho
renched Buffalo he was lookin' around
for life lines to hang on to. Ho con
tinued on as far as Toledo, but there
got so frightened that ho turned and
came homo. He believed that if he had
gone 100 miles further ho would have
jolled off into space. Ho was firmly
satisfied that the world was round, und
would stick to It if ho never caught an
other lobster during the rest of his
life.
The second speaker was Absalom
Jones. A hog had broken Into his
garden that day and rooted things up,
und he had come ;o the meeting fclin'
out of sorts. Besides, ho hud always
l.nown the world was flat, and he got
up and pitched into Moses like n ton
cl brick. He said It was whisky In
stead of sidehill which ailed him when
he went west, and he wanted to know
how it was thnt Chicago, Omaha, Den
ver and San Francisco hadn't fallen
off. He had seen enough of this world
to know that it was flat, and should
Squan Creek decide otherwise his
house and lot were for sale at half
price. His remarks stirred up every
body else, and things b?gun to git hot.
When (Joliath Schcrtncthorn got up his
ears was workln' and his hair eurlin'.
lie favored the roundness of the world,
and he said that any man who stuck
out for flatness ought to ho packed off
to an Idiot asylum that very night. Ho
didn't know why It was that things
didn't slide downhill, but ad they
hadn't he wanu'i 7orryin' over It. Be
had heard that the world revolved on
its axis llko a wagon wheel. That
might bo a newspaper sensation, got
up to pcaro women and children, but
here was no doubt of the roundness of
the earth. If it was Hat, then Squan
Creek folks would be able to tec Phila
delphia or New York.
When Deacon Spooner taw how
things 'was goln' he tried to switch the
meetln' off on to another question, but
tho audience wouldn't have it. livery
man seemed to feel that the future of
Sqium Creek was at Jtake, und when
ioses were counted up it was found
that the adherents was about equally
divided. Henry Joslyn, who went In
for the flatness of the world, sen', his
boy homo for a baseball, and then ho
showed the meetln' that uuthin' could
aliek to it except on the very top. Ho
argued that If this world was round,
even spiked shoes wouldn't save the peo
ple from falling oil, and that the roots
of every tree would hiv to bo drawn
inside and clinched fast to sunthin'.
The idea of an ocean on a sldchlll,
with no water sloppln' over, was too
absurd for even babies.
Tho thirty meu who were for the
roundness of the world all wanted to
pcak at once as Henry got throogh,
but Philclus Taylor finally got tho
floor ami started in to make the splin
ters fly. He claimed thnt the Bible tho
llto of Captain Kidd, the Fanner' Al
manac and a dozen other books fur
nished indisputable ptoof that the
world was round, but he had his own
personal experience to bank on. Ho
had watched his old spotted cow mak
ing across the Jersey meadows In
starch of shade. She gradually got
smaller and smaller, and the last thing
to bo seen of her was a whisk of the
tall. Ho had known a rain barrel or a
well to go dry In one night. Thnt was
ptoof thnt the revolution of the earth
CL1MR OUT OF THE WINDOW.
hed tipped them over. He had woke
up in the morning nnd found his feet
higher than his head, and who could
dispute thnt proof? As to why tlu
ceeaus and lakes didn't spill over he
wasn't prepared to say. but would .'ooli
the matter up before he'slept. In clos
irg he confessed Ins utter surprise thai
men could be found in Squan Creek a1
that day so densely ignorant as f be
lieve with the heathen of Africa.
There wasn't any more spooohmnk
In' or debatin'. Jim Logan, who had
always held to the idea that the eartL
was the shape of a Jersey watermelor
after a cow had stepped on It, junipec
up on a chair and called Philetus u
liar and Absalom aa idiot, and next
minute everybody was flghtln'. Dea
con Spooner, who wns to blamo mon
than anyone else, dodged a chnii
thrown at his head and tried to climt
out of the window. They pulled hiic
back and hammered him bo bad thai
ho was laid up for a month. It wasn't
a fight between tho flats and rounds
but a free-for-all. and It lasted till
every man had rolled downstairs
There was more black eyes and skinned
noses In Squnn Creek for the next foui
weeks than New York could ever boast
of, and the hair and buttons didn't
stop Hying around tho streets until
after the first fall of snow. No effort
was over made to resurrect the debat
in' society. All felt that if they couldn't
agree on the shape of tho earth they
surely couldn't agree on anything else.
They went back to Dan Parker's gro
cery of an evening and sat around on
the counters and barrels and boxes,
and the lies they had told before were
only yarns In comparison to those they
told afterwards. Tho first evening
Deacon Spooner got out und come
down BUI Shaffer told a lio about be
ing cast away In the polar regions for
17 years. It was a beautiful lie sleek,
slick and full of juice, and when It was
finished the deacon clasped his hands
together, raised his tearful eyes to the
ceiling and said:
"How food, and how like old times!
I did think a debatin' society would
be a good thing to lift us up and send
us forward on tho wave of progress, I
but we don't need It. We can outlio1
anything on the face of the airth, and
we don't cr.ro a kuss whether the world
is round or flat!"
Info i-KiK ( lo ti Wanted.
"Will you hao some of tho sugar
oured ham?" asked the landlady.
"What was It cured of?" asked tho
new boarder, suspiciously. Up to
Date. l
A RELIGION TEST.
How (i Mountaineer Wim ( 1'rovoIILfe-
(limlllU'ntlotiH for Church
Mcnilicritliln.
"I was away upon tho headwaters of
the Big Sandy recently," mild the shoo
'Jrummer, "and I discovered something
new, even In that land of yesterdaya
und cventlessnesH. I was riding along;
a creek valley where I wns told lived
a mountain preacher who had u prac
tical Idea of what religion should do
for those who experienced It and adopt
ed odd ways of putting bin Ulcus into
practice. As I reached u rise In tho
road I saw at the bottom a young nmti
driving a pig Into u potato patch antl
before I could reach him ho had fol
lowed the pig through tho narrow gate
and was trying to drive It out again..
It struck me us a peculiar proceeding,
and when I came opposite the gate I
pulled up my horse and sat watching;
the young fellow and the pig. If you
never tried to get a pig out of a potato
patch you can form no idea of what
a job It is, nnd as I watched thin young
mountaineer patiently chasing the pig
hither and you, getting it well headed
toward the gate only to have it double?
on him and go back Into the patch
again, time after time, I began to won
der what manner of youth this wna
that had come into tho mountains.
Finally he brought it over very care
fully, and as he got it almost out, it
gave a sudden grunt and dodge, and
Into the patch again it went.
" 'Gosh dang the hog,' he Bald, puff
ing and blowing und mopping his facer
with his short sleeve.
" 'Why didn't you say thatbeforoVI
asked, laughing.
" 'Mvcuse me, stranger,' he mild, no
ticing mo for the lirat time, 'I didn't
see you was thar,' and ho blushed vio
lently und seemed to be greatly con
fused. " 'Oh, that's all right,' I hastened to
say. 'I only wonder you didn't cuss the
lard out of him.'
" 'Well, I reckon I don't Iter a durri,
he said. 'I done the best T knowed.'
"'How do you mean?' I inquired,
catching an idea of the situation all tit
cnee.
" 'Y'ou don't know It, T reckon, beln"
u stranger In those parts,' ho wild,
'but KIder Martin sot mo to doln' that
to see of I wuz ripe for religion ylL.
I've had a notion Tor about a year post
that I ought to bo j'lnln' tho church,
and I told KIder Martin, and ho Haiti
cz how ho had doubts yit cf I wuz ripe,,
and ho said of I'd drive one of Sam
Y'ates' razerbucks outen pap's tutor
patch without eussln' a oath I wuz ripe
and that's what I been u-doinV
" 'Judging by what I heard you nay
awhile ago I should say you were not
ripe,' I said, laughing nt his explana
tion and manner of it.
" 'Oh,' he exclnlmcd, 'fhut ain't no
sign. I'm jis' practicing Tho real
thing don't come off tell next week Sun
day at. quarterly meetln'.' " Washing
ton Star.
DISHES OF BUTTERMILK.
Gnlce mill llrcml IMitilo In tho Follow
liiK "V11y Are V;ry I'al-
utiihlc.
A Bjmplc and yet delicious cuko its
mnde with u cup of buttermilk nnd no
eggs. To propnro It, cream one cup or
sugar and half a cup of butter; their
stir in a cup of fresh buttermilk, after
sifting two cups of flour, with nn even
tcaspoonful of soda, two or three timetv
und grnduully utlr tho mixture of but
termilk, sugar und butter in tho sifted
Koda nnd flour. Stir finally a cup ot
washed and seeded raisins, half a ten
spoonful of cloves, and half a grated"
nutmeg. Bent it up quickly nnd thor
oughly, und pour It at onco into a round!
loaf cake fin. und bake it in u moderate
ly hot oven. When tho cake is done not
It, in tho tin In which It was baked, in
a pan of cold water until thoroughly
cooled. Frost it with any simple frost
ing. This cake is better when eaten the
day it is cooked, as, unlike norno other
kinds of rich cuke, it does not Improve,
witli age.
Buttermilk bread is mnde of sour but
termilk. It in an old-fashioned delicious
bread. To make two mmiil loaves, ime
a pint of sour buttermilk brought to
the boiling point, and poured while
boiling hot over a tahlcHpoonftii of
sugar In un earthen breadbowl. Sift 11
liberal pint of flour gradually into the
mixture, heating it all tho time. Ileal
thoroughly, and coer closely over
night, leaving it in a warm room. In
the morning dissolve half a tcnHpooiiiuh
of soda In twotiiblespoonfulsof boilin"
water, and add it to tho batter with an
even tcaspoonful of salt antl n heaping;
one of butter, melted. Beat these in
gredients In very thoroughly, then beat
in a cup more of sifted flour. Sift hal
a cup more flour to use in kneading;
sprinkle a kneudlng-board with some of
this flour. Knead the bread for 20 min
.utes, and divide it into two Hinull lonvcs.
Put those in buttered pans, and bake
in a hot oven immediately. It requires
nbout three-quarters of an hour to baku
it through. N.Y. Tribune.
KliHlly KntlHlK-il.
Minister (who has taken a Iioiibu itv
the country for the suinmnt) But, my
good man. I have brought my servants
with me. I liuve no employment to give
you.
Applicant Ah, sir, if you only knew,
how little work- It would take to keep,
me emiNuLdl- Tit-Bits.