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Would Never Do.
The great theatrical manager
frowned.
"Ever lose your diamonds?"
"No."
"'Ever mixed up in a newspuper scan
dal?" "No, sir."
"Ever get divorced?"
"Sir, my reputation is nbovo re
proach I"
"Well, you'vo got a ncrvo to ask mo
to star you, with all thoso disadvan
tages." Town Topics.
A MODI2UN OEOUG13 WASHINGTON.
' "Poor manl How did you lose the
Bight of your eye?"
"Loolciu' for work, mcml" Pick-Mc-Up.
One on Albert.
"By the way, Jennie, how did you like
the dog show?"
"Oh, Albert, wasn't it too lovely for
anything? There was one dog there
that had such a human fucc. 1 did ad
mire that dog."
"Indeed, did ho look anything like
me?"
"No, not n bit. It had too much char
acter in his countenance."
Then Albert reached for his hat,
Tammany Times.
WIIEKE WILL
I AliuoNt the Same.
' Nonie Is your husband as shy now
as he was before you married him?
Laura Almost, for then he used to
told his breath with fear, and he does
it just the same now when he comes
home late from the elub. Pittsburgh
Daily News.
Hovr She UeiiHoncil It.
"My dear," said Mrs. Fosdick to her
ten-year-old daughter, "you should not
eay 'teeth brush.' Vou should always
eay 'toothbrush.' "
"But, mamma." said the little girl, "
limsh all my teeth with it." N. 1'. Trib
une, More Effective. t
Artist (gloomily) Somehow, my pic
tures won't keep the wolf from the
door.
Friend Did j'ou ever try hanging
them on the doorknob? N. V. Journal.
In the lleut of the Conflict.
He Do you think your judgment is
os good as mine?
She Oh, no, dear. Our choice of life
partners proves that it isn't. N. Y.
Journul.
I.oii(iclt- n Virtue.
Why should loquacious girls bo belles?
Pray answer tno this rlddlo,
I make a kucss, It Is becauso
Their tongues hang In tho mlddlo.
-N. Y. Tribune
Intended to Knee Htm.
"Now, when you tifek papa for me, be
Bure to face him like a man."
"You bet I will. He doesn't get any
chance at my back if 1 can help it."
Cleveland Plain Denier.
HiinIiionh Item.
"I understand you to say that JJogers
is the proprietor of u match factory."
"So he 1h. lie runs u mutrimouial
Bgeuey.' Up-to-Dute.
V ((
Forenoon.
Mrs. MeSwatt Iiilliger.whcn I asked
you to get n book for a birthday pres
ent for brother John I supposed you
would select one that had at least ii
substantial binding. This one will fall
to pieces before he has it six months.
Mr. MeSwatt No it won't, Lobelia.
It will last that brother of yours 100
years, in any kind of binding. It'a
a book on manners. Chicago Tribune.
Too Much Stuck Up.
Miss Upperten (daughter of a rich
manufacturer) Pardon mc, mis1?, but
I have not tho honor of your acquain
tance. Miss Lowcrtcn (who docs not intend
tobeputdown in that style-) I thought
you had, at ono time; but never mind.
Perhaps if my father owned a big
mucilage- factory like your father's, I'd
be stuck up, too. N. Y. Weekly.
(Jootl llcnNon for It.
It was the seventh time she had tried
on tho gown, and she still had fault to
find with it.
"It doesn't seem to mc," sho said,
"that it becomes my complexion."
Tho dressmaker shrugged her shoul
ders. "Madame forgets," she said, "that sho
has not tho same complexion she woro
last time she was here." Chicago Post.
In the llcejco IxliintlH.
"Whnt did you say the name of thi3
missionary was?" asked King Ktwapta.
"Live ever, your highness," said tho
trembling chief; "he said it was John."
"Well, for a change" King Ktwapta
looked lovingly nt his toothpick "let
us have a Jackpot-pie." Town Topics.
Hltt VIuvth on' Lultor.
First Tramp Do you b'licve in keep
in' out the pauper labor of Europe?
Second Tramp I don't mind the pau
per labor, but when it comes to lettin'
in paupers what don't work, I'm afraid
they'll crowd us fellers into iookiu' fer
a job. N. Y. World.
Uriel l'Niilm of I,lfc.
What ardent friends were you and CJray!
You wore each other's collars.
But you lost him when, one luckless day.
You lent him $40.
Chicago Tribune.
IT STMKE?
I'reimrlnir for the End.
Crimsoubcnk (discouraged) Oh, I'm
tired of life.
Yeast (lightly) Been eating some of
your wife's cooking, old man?
"No; but I'm willing to now." Yon
kers Statesman.
Sclf-Evldcnt.
They haven't conllded their secret to me,
nut I know tho engagement's begun,
For ho'3 ordered a bicycle built for two,
Sho u rocking chair built for one.
N, Y. Journal.
I1EAHD IN AFRICA.
Mrs. Ostrich So you are the sucker
I've been laying for? Up-to-Date.
An Additional Observation.
"Truth crushed to earth will rise
again." quoted the earnest man.
"That's true," replied Senator Sor
ghum, "but, in many cases, not until
after the referee has counted ten."
Wushlngton Star.
WOMAN TO WOMEN.
From tho Republican, Bclvldcro, 111.
Many a woman will recognize the ills de
scribed below by Mrs. W. L. De Munn, of
Capron, 111. Unfortunately, they are ills
paculiar to the sex, and we nave no doubt,
whatever, will be read with tho greatest in
terest. The factB arc given precisely ns stated to a
reporter of this paper. Mrs. Do Munn said:
"I was almost a wreck. I was all run
down and too weak to do anything. I felt
ns if there was no hope for relief. 1 mannged
to keen around the house a good part of tho
lime, hut the bed was tho proper place for
mc. No one knew how bndlv I felt. Mv
appetite was gone, I was troubled with a
weakness peculiar to women, and at times
became ho dizzy that J coulu not stand up.
On several occasions I reeled oil the side
walk and fell when I attempted to walk. I
have given you but a faint idea of my con
dition." "Howdid it happen that you were cured?"
"I read an article in one of tho papers
which Deemed plain and honest and was in
duced to buy a box of Dr. Williams' Pink
Pills. I was delighted to obtain relief be
fore using the entire box. I continued tak
ing tho medicine and to-day am completely
cured. You can't say too much for thoso
pills." repeated Mrs. Do Munn.
"Do you know of any other cases?"
"Yes, I know of several. 1 recommended
tho pills to my neighbors and everyone who
has taken them think there is nothing liko
them. My sister took them for nervous
headache and received prompt relief. There
seems to ho something in Dr. Williams'
Pink Pills to make sick people well. I think
they were rightly named when they called
them Dr. Williams' Pink Pills for Palo
People."
Dr. Williams' Pink Pills contain, in a
condensed form, all tho elements necessary
to give new life and richness to tho blood
and restore shattered nerves. They arc an
unfailing specific for such discuses as loco
motor ataxia, partial paralysis, St. Vitus'
dance, sciatica, neuralgia, rheumatism, nerv
ous headache, the after effect of la grippe,
palpitation of the heart, pale and sallow
complexion, all forms of weakness cither in
male or female. Pink Pills arc sold by all
dealers, or will he sent post paid on receipt
of price, 50 cents n box or six boxes for
$2.50, by addressing Dr. Williams' Medicine
Company, Schenectady, N. Y.
Wo know a man who refuses to wear
glasses because it would ho an acknowl
edgment that he is growingoldcr. Washing
ton Democrat.
Mr. Snaggs "My dear, isn't the grocer on
the next corner a Celtic gentleman i" Mrs.
Snaggs "No, indeed! lie sells for cash
only."
No-To-Iluc for Fifty Ccntfl.
Over -100,000 cured. Why notlctNo-To-Bac
regulate or remove your desire lor tobacco?
Paves money, makes health and manhood.
Cure guaranteed, 50c and $1.00, all druggists.
You never really know how many dis
eases there are to which mortals ore sub
ject until you hear a crowd of old women
talking together. Atchison Globe.
Fits stopped free and permanently cured.
No fits after first duy'H use of Dr. Kline's
Great Nerve Restorer. Free $2 trial bottle &
treatise. Dr. Kline, 033 Arch st., Phila., Pa.
"Is that a good hen, Uncle Josh?" "A
good hen?" said Uncle Josh; "why, that 'ar
lien lays eggs ns big as hailstuns." Detroit
Free Press.
Pleasant, Wholesome, Speedy, for coughs
is Hale's Honey of Horehound and Tar.
Pike's Toothache Drops Cure in one minute.
"Dear me!" exclaimed the fond father,
anxiously. "Whatever can he the mutter
with the baby? It isn't crying!"
Like nn electric current St. Jacobs Oil
seeks and cures Sciatica.
i i .I-
When a man gets so mean that his wifo
won't live with liiin, he says marriage Jb a
failure. Washington Democrat.
Just try a 10c box of Casearcts candy ca
thartic,fmcst livcrand bowel regulator made.
The world demands that a poor wife he
loved by her husband as much us a good
one. Atchison Globe.
A sprain cannot cripple if you use St.
Jacobs Oil. It cures it.
It is not the women who look at the most
dry goods, who buy the most.
m
"Can't cure my rheumatism!" You can,
you must use St. Jacobs Oil.
A man is a fool for betting the opposito
way from which he vote a.
THE GENERAL MARKETS.
Kansas City, Mo., May 3.
CATTLE Best beeves. 3 DO & -i 70
Stackers. 4 10 -1 35
Native cows. ii 40 3 C5
1IOGS Choico to heavy 3 00 3 774
SHEEP 3 7.1 4 75
WHEAT No. 2 red 05 UU
No. Uhnnl bO ft!
CORN No. 3 mixed 3 U3K
OATS No. 2 mixed 10 'JO
UYE No.2 31 Si!
FLO-UK Patent, per sack 2 40 2 W)
Fancy 185 2 OJ
HAY Choice timothy 0 CO 0 CO
Fancy prairie (5 M 7 00
BRAN (sacked) 53 61
BUTTEK Oholco creamery.... 10 lOj
CHEESE Full cream 10tf 11
EQOS Choice 7K'(i "Hi
POTATOES 2 25
ST. LOUIS.
CATTLE Native una shipping 3 85 4 70
Texuns 3 CO 4 05
HOQS Heavy 3 00 4 00
SHEEP Fair to choico 3 40 4 75
FLOUK Choice 3 25 3 35
WHEAT No. 2 red U5 0J
CORN No. 2 mixed 21 21K
OATS-No. 2 mixed 181 10
KYE-No. 2 3J 35
BUTTEK Creamery 13 17,
LARD Western muss 4 00 4 05
PORK 8 35 8 75
CHICAGO.
CATTLE Common to prhno... 4 65 5 40
HOGS Packing and hhipplng.. 3 00 4 05
SHEEP Fair to choice 3 SO fi 25
FLOUR Winter wheat 4 30 4 M
WHEAT No. !! red 18 Ul
CORN No.2 24Ji "l'i
OATS-No.2. 17 1H
RYE J3 33ft
HUTTEK-Crcamcry 12 10
LARD 4 07tf 4 124
POKK 8W 8 65
NEW YORK.
CATTLE Native Steers 4 60 6 00
HOGS-Good to Choice 4 15 4 40
WHEAT-No. 2 red 71 m
CORN-No. 2 , 20JU 30
OATS No. a 22 23
BUTTER-Crcamcry. 13 17
PORK Mess 8 75 0 60
DcnfncjiH Cannot lie Curcil
by local applications, as they cannot reach
tho diseased portion of the car. There is
only one way to cute deafness, and that 1b
by constitutional remedies. Deafness is
caused by nn iullamcd condition of the mu
cous lining of tho Eustachian Tube. When
this tube ijets iullamcd you have a rumbling
Bound or imperfect hearing, and when it is
entirely closed deafness is the result, and
unless the inllnmmalion can he taken out
and this tube restored to its Mormal con
dition, hearing will bo destroyed forever;
nine cases out of ten are caused by catarrh,
which is nothing hut an iullamcd condition
of the mucous surfaces.
Wo will give One Hundred Dollars for any
case of Deafness (caused by catarrh) that
cannot bo cured by Hall's Catarrh Cure.
Send for circulars, free.
1 J. Cheney & Co., Toledo, O.
Fold by Druggists, 7fic.
Hall's Family Pills arc tho best.
"Why did that rude-looking train-boy
bite tho quarter 1 gave him?" "He's nn ex
cowboy from Texas, ma'am; and they fre
quently bite the dust out there."
Hocked on tlio Crent of the Wiivew,
The landsman, tourist or commercial trav
eler, speedily begins, and not only begins,
but continues, to feel tho extreme ot hu
man misery during the transit ncross the
tempestuous Atlantic. Rut if, with wise
prescience, ho has provided himself with a
supply of Hostetter's Stomach Rittcrs, his
pangs aro promptly mitigated, and then
ccaso ero thegood ship again drops her
anchor. This is worth knowing, and thou
sands of our yachtsmen, summer voyagers,
tourists and business men do know it.
i
Mrs. MusicuB "Did yon havc( much
trouble in learning to sing so beautifully?"
Miss Frankly "Yes; especially with the
neighbors.
"Stnr Tobacco."
Aa you chew tobacco for pleasure, uso
Star. It is not only tho best, but thu most
lasting, and therefore thu cheapest.
i
Every time a man looks thoughtful as
long ns two minutes nt a time, his wife be
gins to wonder what is on his conscience.
Atchison Globe.
Piso's Cure cured me of n Throat and
Lung trouble of three years' standing. E.
Cady, Huntington, Intl., Nov. 12, 1801.
Some people spend a great deal more time
being mean than it would take to be cour
teous. "For 0 years hod neuralgia." You haven't
used St. Jacobs Oil to euro it.
Overwork is a thief of time. Ram's Horn.
Tho trouble with worthless people is
that they are the ones who worry about it.
When bilious or costive cat a Cnscarct,
candy cathartic, cure guaranteed. 10c, 25c.
Ono of the most pitiable things in the
world is tho mutual disappointment of a
man and wife. N. Y. Weekly.
Any kind of a bruise St. Jacobs Oil will
cure at any time no mnttcr how bad.
Some people give so much good ndvice
to others, they have none left for their own
use. N. Y. Weekly. t
Casearcts stimulate livtjr, kidneys and
bowels. Never sicken, weaken or gripe, 10c.
1 m '
We recently heard a doctor say a piece of
pic was good for n person just before retir
ing in the evening. Atchison Globe.
Knocked out by lumbago? It's because
you don't cure it with St. Jacobs Oil.
Charity robs herself when sho frowns
while bestowing a gift. Ham's Horn.
WEIGHTY WORDS
la M Ml allium Ml ILI1I1 I PT
V
f
t
for &mi m.
Ayer's Sarsaparilla.
(ANDY
ra&cafieto
CURE CONSTIPATION
UlllllVlilfetekkkk-
10 v . lil;JWliLJULJII-JIWJ. ALL
25 so uaqjugfii rgnfl' druggists
ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEED fc:"?JLY25S te-
plo nml booklet free. Ad. STKKMMI HKJIKDY
Weeks Scale Works.
HAY. COAL, STOCK. OR AIN. DIICCAI fl U V
AND COTTON SCALES. DlirrALUf n Ii
UUHtS WHHIh AIL ELSk FAILS.
Heat CoukIi eyrup. Tuxtus Good.
in nine, noia njr uruifgists.
K3S
THE ADVANCE
AGENT OF HEALTH
K
Miulatuto Faa-Similo.
)&m&fr:
Ik
y
On a red hot M
uuy riires $ v (5" "-
stands bc-
twnnfi rrn .-
and the dis-'
tressing ef
fects of the heat.
HIRES
Rootbeer
cools the blood,
tones the stom
ach, invigorates
the body, fully
satisfies the thirst,
A delicious .spark
ling, temperance
drink of the high
est medicinal value.
Ml4onljr r
Tin ChitlM K. Hire Co., Phil.
A prko makn 5 ciUodi.
Dun tTcrjiroiri.
CI finiflA for rrllnblu Informntloii In rt'Turcnro
rLUIllUH lo Kluridn, apply for niiiiiu mid Utho
riiih iiiupMo PLUKIUA IIOMka'lYjMI CO., Kmiiu Ol;, Xo.
yUCnTflN. KINO OF GUMS.
GET DIPU nUICKLY. Now! for ".100 fiiTcuUmu.
1)1.1 niUII U,iilrd." i;dgrTl..Co,'il&UVa,J.l
GADIARUG
t
aalftttfl-rillllH
CO., Chicago, Montreal. Cnn., orNow York. ' an.
npnocvw iuscovKKYi gin
UffinLwr 0 I quick relief ami cures n-unb
mc,
Heml rnr ituoic or tutliiiouliil(i nml lO rtiiy
n i: lit Free. Dr. II. II. IIUKI'.VH KO.N8, Atlanta,
treat in
dPb
600 SECOND HAND BICYCLES $5 TO $15-
MlmuUts. MOUDAHKKW. 3!ut bucloMdt
out, 1,1. t free l,, A.Muuil Cyclo Co., Chicago.
A. N. IC.-D
160B
WIIK.V WUITI.VO TO AlVr.KTIKKK'.
plciik(n(o thut you nuw the AUvcrtUu
incut In tlili paper.
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