. RANDOM SHOTS
Back on the job.
Paraphrasing Due Morris' version of
xvipiniifi uii, iieai i. neat and rest is
lea, uiul always tue two shall twain.
At least they always twain when we
tuke our vacation.
A Columbus woman has solved the
liroblem of keeping her husband home
l ights, and passes on her formula for
the benefit of suffering womanhood:
"I ask him, every ninht, to take me out
t--orne place," she cont'esses.
Cynical cus? was crabbing about the
convention of medical men. "I stuck
my head in at the door,' he said "and
the speaker was talking in Latin."
Sad thought for today: Hay fever
reason is ju.-t around the corner.
Happy thought: We aren't subject
to hay fever.
Tried to find out who wrote this
column while we weie away, but not a
man in the shop will plead guilty.
Tnerefoie, there's nothing to do but
take up the white man's burden.
We don't know how other editors r.f
the Hig- Sixth district 1'ecl ubout it,
but we refuse to believe that Uncle
JUose is really out of the race until he
makes an altidavit unci swears to it cn
at ttack of Bibles a foot high.
Even if he does this, we won't be
sure about it until his successor is
elected and has qualified.
But it isn't fair to insinuate that the
.grand old man is slipping mentally,
just because he has difficulty in mak
ing up his mind. Why not say he's
.growing effeminate?
Life's little thrills: When the wife,
vho is piloting the flivver over a rough
road, approaches a dangerous curve
and you hear her say: "What a per
lectly beautiful moon!"
A Nebraska City man is so ignor.int
that he thinks the Epistles were the
wives of the Apostles.
As a dear old lady once said: "Well
it may not have been true about
Sodom and Gomorrah, but from 'ill I
can hear, if they weren't married they
should have been."
Two days at home and the scales
showed a two-pound gain. However,
the ride through the sandhills took it
aill away, so we're holding our losses,
again.
TODAY'S BEST STORY.
(Nebraska City Press.)
At a lodge meeting in Nebraska
"City a few short years ago John Mil
ler who is very observing and watch
ful of the comfort of his fellows, arose
in his place and made a motion that
vent something like this: "Mr. Chair
man, I move that the lodge set aside
money tor three cuspidors to be sta
tioned at proper places." And then he
sat down. And a member who was
quite deaf stood up at the rear of the
nail and said, "I second the motion,
Mr. Chairman, and I move that John
Miller be made one of them."
A town a certain one of western
Nebraska has a blacksmith whose
name is not Otto WinKiehardt but
we'll call him that. A tenderfoot
ranchman whose name isn't Squint
Taylor nor anything like Taylor led
Pansy one day to Otto's shop door,
asking that her hoofs be trimmed.
But Otto said there was. too much
work ahead. Taylor urged, but Otto
said he just couldn't; and Otto added,
"It'll take half an hour." Next day
THE ALLIANCE HERALD. TUESDAY. JUNE IS. 1022.
THUEK
Taylor was back to have the work
don.?. "All right," said Otto, "you
hold her." "But I hae an appoint
ment," said Taj lor: "I'm due right
now. "uh, grab the halter-strap,"
ejaculated Otto, "and keep hold;
t won t take but a minute."
. Jimmy is no expert yet but so far
ne na.Mi t capsized his canoe.
In these real hot days the golf is
bound to sutler. If a man takes one
swim, he's lost.
Oie Buck hastens to exnl.n'n that
he really likes strawberry shortcake,
out mat he doesn t want the berries
mashed and the cake soggy. Now we
aren t worrying about Ins sanity quite
so much.
The oi, ly friend of ours who ever
went crazy showed it in a peculiar
way. Along i.bout 2 u. m. he gut out
of bed. dresed r.nd started playing
the trombone. When his family be
sought him to quit, he never even
heard them.
There's a couple of players we
have in mind now who'd better stay
out of the heat.
Now they say that Bandit Fred
Brown may be headed this way. The
last car he stole was a flivver, and
if he did turn north at Sidney, he's
probably maiooned out in those eter
nal and infernal sandhills.
The boys in the office tipped the
niece oil' to ask the Woman Hater to
teach her to swim. She did, and it
was worth a quarter to watch the
color of his face when he told her that
he didn't know how.
On the trip we heard but one or
two events that were fit for this im
mortal colm. In an eastern Nebraska
town there is or was a high school
teacher who wore 'em rolled. One day
she invited a preacher to talk to one
of her classes. He came and talked.
In the middle of the discourse his rov
ing eyes caught a glimpse of a set of
crossed legs. He saw the rolled hose
and a bit above them. His strained
eyes looked still harder, and he dis
cerned, on each knee, a tatooed but
terfly. He looked a couple more
times to make sure, finish his speech
left the building and walked straight
to the board of education and entered
a complaint. The offending school
teacher was notified to wear hose sup
porters. She did for the rest of the
year, apparently. But the story got
out, and now the whole town is won
dering whether the tatooed school
ma'am will be hired for next year.
Her application is in, but there are
some women on the board. However,
there are no preachers, and the odds
are about even.
There are two Nebraska, editors who
have our grudging admiration for get
ting away with worse than murder.
Ole Buck writes just one column a
week, and George Snow takes as many
vacations as though he were holding
a county office.
Our kid niece, who made the drive
back with us, way considerably
excited over being the first of the
tribe to get west of Kearney. The
sandhill roads thrilled her at least
the first ten miles did. She firmly
decided that she'd elect the other un
cle to drive her home. But after two
hours of those roads, she sighed gent
ly and remarked that if her uncle
didn't insist, she'd just as soon go
home on the train.
One of the doctors at yesterday's
convention referred to the welcome
signs in the store windows. "Most
people seem to hate to see the doctors
come," he said. Glen Miller was on
his feet in a flash, explaining that
the reason one of those cards was in
the windows of his undertaking of
fice was because some boy who passed
Complete Banking
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Checking and savings accounts
for business firms and individ
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Loans and discounts.
Travelers' and commercial let
ters of credit.
Foreign exchange.
t
Acts as trustee or executor for
private or corporate trust
funds.
--Safety deposit" boxes.
First National Bank
Alliance, Nebraska
them out made a stupid error.
The doctors have never got on the
same business plane as the lawyers,
who say glibly, nfter a two-minute
consultation, "Five dollars, please."
The doctors don't do it that way. They,
use the t:ctics of the good waiter, who
always lays the chrcK face down on
the tab!e. They wait n month, and
then send in a bill for $10. j
Someone once asked a waiter why'
he never turned the check up. "If
a customer were to die of heart fail-,
ure," he said, "business would suffer, i
I always want them to be well forti-J
tied with food before they know the'
worst."
South ea. A society woman, the
daughter of a rear admiral, who ha.
abandoned her luxurious sunoundings
bocau-e she was made the unwitting
victim rtf a scandal, toes off to the
South Sons, seeking surcea-e from her
troubles. There she becomes a differ
ent woman. She is exotic and lan
guorous, conducts a rooming and
rambling hou.-e and is known its n
mysterious woman. This role fits Mi
Frederick snugly, to be sure, and she
gives one of the most brilliant per
formances of her career on stage or
screen.
mnn
AT THE KIALTO.
J. Warren Kerrigan, star of many
lomances, is seen to advantage in "The
Coast of Opportunity," which shows
at the Kialto tonight. This is one of
the most entertaining plays this popu
lar star produced in many months and
is well adapted to his dashing, roman
tic type, lie plays the role of a ven
turesome young mining engineer who
drifts into a lonesome desert region
of Old Mexico in search of his fortune
in copper. Finding n rich deposit, he
starts building a railroad to transport
Hie ore. A rival mine operator en
deavors to prevent the laying of the
road and throws a myriad of ob
stacles in the newcomers' path. With
the aid of a resourceful young girl the
engineer finally outguesses his com
petitor and the road is put through.
"Handcuffs or Kisses," with Elaine
Hammerstein as the star, will be the
Kialto attraction for Wednesday. The
story was written by Thomas Edgelow
and first appeared in "Young's Maga
zine." It deals with life in a girl's
reformatory and the fiction piece close
ly resembles some of the actual hap
penings that have transpired at Bed
lord Reformatory and other large in
stitutions. Miss Hammerstein's inter
pretation of the part assigned her is
both artistic and human. As the
abused inmate who was unjustly com
mitted to a two-year term she at once
wins the sympathy of her audience
and holds it until she is finally cleared
of the false charges that have been
lodged against her. There also is a
pretty love theme that culminates as
all pretty love plots must end, and the
action throughout is both swift and
dramatic.
Thursday the Rialto presents "The
Lure of Jade," with Pauline Frederick
in the leading role. The story is sat
urated with the atmosphere of the
AT THE IMPF.KIAL
Tonight and Wednesday, the Im
perial has an exceptionally good bill,
including two features. There Is a
Tom Mix picture, "The Big Town
Koundup." which tells the ftory of a
wild, wild cowboy in New York City,
and is chock full of action, with more
thrills to the minute than the Chev
ei ne frontier days. Charlie Chaplin in
lay I ay, a feature scheduled for
last Sunday which failed to arrive,
came in twenty-four hours late and
will be shown Tuesday and Wednesday.
Thursday tbe Imperial will present
'Coincidence," n Metro feature with an
nil-star cast. Billy .lenks comes to New
York to storm the fortresses of for
tune. But he discovers that it takes
time, and meanwhile he gets a job
counting not his own, but other peo
ple's money in the cashier's cage of a
Fifth Avenue department store. One
lay a bill blows out of the window in
to the hat of a pretty girl passing by.
In a jiffy, Itoth Billy and Phorbe llow
nnd are head over heels in love. But
their meetines impair their business
efficiency while polishing their day
dreaming faculties. Out they are
thrown, jobless ami penniless. Billy
registers his mental state the next
morning by hurling his alarm clock
out of the window; it falls, not pain
lessly, on the head of the clerk seeking
to apprise Billy that his aunt has died
and left him a fortune. Soon he is
minus the money and girl. How this
happens, through a series of harum
scarum, thrilling events, makes this
story brimful of adventure and romance.
Thursday Is also vaudeville night
at the Imperial. Four acts, including
Bill and Hattie Car in a musical novel
ty using violin and guitar in some;
thing that is entirely new and diffeY
ent. Miss Ethel Vaughn, one of the
best comediennes that has ever played
on the circuit, has a little act entitled
"Smiles and Songs of the Day." Cooper
and Valli in "Ain't She Bough" present
one of the acts that went big while
they were with Kingline-'s circus. Al
mond and Hazel, in "From Summer
to Winter," offer a novelty net which
keeps the audience entertained and
wondering what is coming next.
THE COOLEST PLACE IN TOWN"
Imperial Theatre
TUESDAY-WEDNESDAY, JUNE 13-14
TOM MIX in
"THE BIG TOWN
ROUND-UP"
Full of action. More thrills to the minute than the
Cheyenne Frontier Pays.
Charles Chaplin in
"PAY DAY"
MATINEE, 10 and 13c NIGHT, 10 and 27c
THURSDAY, JUNE 15
"COINCIDENCE"
A romance of youth, love and the fickle jade, Fortune,
with an all-star cast.
4-Acts Vaudeville-4
USUAL ADMISSION
COMING SOON
"A Child for Sale"
ode& Broth
ANNOUNCE
ER5
- f
A Business Coupe
Conservative changes
in the body design
of all other types
LINCOLN LOWRY
Alliance, Nebraska