V I lift
IllIll im H M t
HUMOR OF THE DAYS
BEFORE CIVIL WAR
stories That Polks Enjoyed When
(Jrandpa and Urandnm Were
Tretty Small Potatoes.
Herewith we present the second
grist of stories taken from old files
of Harper's, published several years
before the' civil war. You'll note
that they are pretty good stories, in
spite of their age and their stilted
style of architecture,
"In C , South Carolina, was
located a preacher whose modesty
never detered him from urging upon
his congregation liberal subscrip
tions or money for all church and
benevolent purposes. In his private
solicitations he one day met a good,
out eccentric member, who for a long
time steadfastly refused his aid to
an object the preacher was solicitous
to secure. At last Importunity tri
umphed, conditionally. He agreed to
contribute on condition of being al
lowed to choose the text from which
the preacher's funeral sermon should
be preached. The matter being thus
settled, the minister wanted to know
what the text was. His friend an
swered: "And the beggar died!"
Some country journalist thus dis
coursed concerning taking opium,
and Its effects In his own case:
"We never could understand how
people can get a taste for opium
fastened upon them. We tried a
email quantity of it the other day,
for 'a pain internally.' We were
ordered to take two pills a day for
four days. The first dose was really
delicious. It gave us pink-tinged
sleep, filled to the brim with girls
made of rose-leaves. We Indulged
In dreams of the most oriental char
acter. In one of them we had a
mother-of-pearl hand-sled, with
golden runners. With tMs we glided
down a rainbow made of ice-cream,
and brought up on a terrace the sup
ports of which were great spars of
merald.
"The second night things began to
change. About the supports of the
terrace anacondas began to appear;
while. In the distance, a lot of green
monkeys, with their tails burned off.
were quarreling about the propriety
of making a pin-cushion of us!
"The third evening matters grew
appalling. The terrace had gone,
and so had the rainbow and the girls
made of rose-leaves; and In their
stead we had a bed filled with with
Tattlesnakes, and on the head-board
four grizzly bears pulling at a haw
ser, one end of which was fastened
to our neck and the other to an iceberg!"
There must have been a "tendency
of blood to the head" In that vision!
Terhaps few readers of the
"Drawer" have ever encountered the
Written Language of the Indians.
Those who have not will regard the
subject as somewhat of a literary
curiosity. The extract contains two
verses from a chapter in the New
Testament, copied from the "Mo
hawk Testament." Any thing more
"Jaw breaking" than some of the
longest words It has never been our
good fortune to meet:
"Nonwa ne o-nenh ne rajlhhengh
stowanenh neoni ne ratssteristha ne
Ononghsadokenghdikeh neonl ne
thadiyadakwe-ntyu ne radljlhhengh
stajyh ro-nathonde Jlneken nlkarih
hodense, waghshakodinowengh de
hanaondawe ne ken-ikenh ne aode
ghyaron. "Ethone shayadat eghwarawe
neonl waghshakoghrory, wahhenron,
Jatkaghthoh, ne ronnonkweh ne ne
yetshinhodonghkwe eghyehhadikenn
yade Ononghsadokenghdikeh, ony
shakodirihhonneyenny ne Onkweh-
hokon."
A correspondent who formally con
sulted the London Family Gazette
about a young lady with a wooden
leg, has recently brought the matter
to a crisis by marrying her. After
a month's experience he says:
"I am happy to say a wooden leg
is no bad bargain. I married Jessie
about a month ago. She refused to
give up the wooden leg for a cork
one, as she said she 'destested false
appearances.' She is always at home,
except when she goes out with my
self; she never flirts with other men;
she never dances at a party; she only
requires one boot and one shoe, and
these serve her a long time, as she
does not walk much, and yet she is
not unpleasant to talk with. She dif
fers very little from other young
women.
"The only expense of the wooden
leg is the occasional breaking of a
strap, which is easily repaired and
the supplying of a little gutta percha
fur the end of It, to prevent noise in
walking. Balancing profit against
less, a lady with a wooden leg is
rather profitable, not Ao speak of
other benefits. I find in Jessie all
that a husband could desire."
There, now, is a true philosopher;
and he talks, moreover, like a man
who. Is calculated to make Jessie a
tender and non-exacting husband.
Oh! what an awful time there
would be if the law which was pro
mulgated in 1709, in the Old Coun
try, should be revived and enforced
in our own blessed land. It was en
acted In the words following, name
ly, to-wlt, etc.:
"Whereas several Idle, gossiping
women, make it there business to go
(Continued on Page 13.)
Omaha Opportunities
The Omaha Dally News, In an editorial headed
"Today' Opportunities," on Nov. 9, said:
"Harking back a half century we marvel at the
golden opportunities for investment within' the
grasp of the early pioneers. We deplore grand
father's lack of foresight that to this day pre
vents most of us from rolling In wealth. Some
one Is always mentioning the fact that his grand
father once traded a downtown business site for
a span of mules.
"Undoubtedly many of us will suffer In the
Mteem of posterity to the same degree that we
mourn the restricted vision of grandfather who
might have left a million or so had ho not felt the
need of those mules for pioneer purposes of trans
portation. "There are chances for Investment of money In
Omaha such as never were In reach of the hardy
settler who came here when the city was a front
ier post There was no certainty In 1860 that
Omaha would develop metropolitan size. Today
its future is assured.
"Omaha real estate Is Increasing In price faster
at the present time than c any other period In
the state's history. And higher prices are fixed
n actual and not Inflated values.
"It Is not every one who may make the Initial
payment on a downtown business block. However,
there are few families who might not arrange to
make the first payment on a home. The home
owner Is entrenched against the perplexities of
unemployment, sickness and old age. He Is the
man to whom excessive rentals have no terror.
And residential property today may bo the busi
ness district of another year."
OMAHA REAL ESTATE BOARD
KIDNEYS WEAKENING?
LOOK OUT!
Kidney troubles don't disappear of
themselves. They grow "lowly but
oteadily, undermining health with
deadly certainty, until you fll a vlo
tlm to incurable iii.seaae.
Stop your trouulv wttle there Is time.
Don't wait until iiille pains become tiff
aches. Don't trifle with disease. To
avoid future suffering- beg-In treatment
with GOU) MEDAL. Haarlem Oil Cap
em lea now. Take three or four every
day until you are entirely " tTom
pttln.
This well-known preparation has been
one of the national remedies of Hol
land for oenturlee. In ! the govern.
ment of the Netherlands created a
special charter authorising; tta prepare
tioa and eat a.
The housewife of Holland would si.
most aa soon be without food as with
out her "Real Dutch Drops," as she
quaintly rails GOLD MEDAL. Haarlem
Oil Capsules. They restore strength
and are rsHponsible In a great measure
for the eturdy, robust health of the
Hollanders.
Do not delay. Go to yoor drug-gist and
Insist oa bis supply ins; you with GOLD
MEDiAla Haarlem Oil Capsulee. Take
them aa directed, and If you are not
satisfied with resulte your druggist will
gladly refund your money. Lok tor
the name GOLD kfKDAL, oa the boa
and accept ne ether, la sealed bosea
three alses.
DRESS
H
I bought all these goods early very early in fact, and when
I learned that I would be unable to renew the lease upon my
building, I cancelled the order. Later I asked to have the
order re-instated, and was promised by the manufacturers
that while they could not furnish me with the goods original
ly ordered, that they would make a shipment of DRESSES,
newer, later and better than the original order right off the
irons, and on the same basis of the former order.
I have anything you want in the new Novelty Velour small
checks, Velvets, Satins, Tricotines and Jerseys. These Dresses
are "Right off the Iron." The style is right and you get the
same advantages that I have been giving my patrons in this
Great Closing Out Sale.
This meant, of course, that I would get later, more up-to-date
and strictly stylish goods, at the same prices as of several
months before. . ' " 4
This is a problem that cannot be met by competition. These
goods are FIRST CLASS AND THE PRICE IS FAR BE
LOW WHAT ANY OTHER STORE ANYWHERE WILL
QUOTE YOU.
Kid Gloves
Virginia Kid Gloves
No Better Can Be Bought
Through my connections with eastern buyers, I have lined up to receive within the
next few days an assortment of Kid Gloves that will absolutely discount anything ever
shown in the city. The prices on them will be the same as on other goods in the store.
FAR LESS THAN YOU CAN PROCURE SIMILAR GOODS FOR ELSEWHERE.
GOOD THINGS ARE SCARCE AND THE MAN WITH THE PROPER BUYING
CONNECTIONS IS THE MAN WHO GETS
THE "GOOD THINGS
When I tell you that I have good things, I am telling you the facts. I never have
fooled you, and it is too late to start now. When I tell you I have the best quality, best
material and the lowest prices, I am telling you an absolute truth, and all I ask is that
you come into the store and see for yourself. You will be convinced beyond a doubt if
you but visit the store and compare the goods.
a"
I want my customers to enjoy the benefits of my misfortune. I am giving them the
opportunity to save hundreds of dollars in early Christmas merchandising.
Girls Serge
Dresses
e
A nice line of Girls'
Serge Dresses in sizes
ranging from 2 to 14
years. These goods are
beyond description. To
appreciate them, one
must look at them and
then look at the price
tag.
2011
Jersey
$9.90
Plaited Serge
S8.45
Girls School
Coats
at from SI to $4
An exceptional selec
tion from which to fit
your daughter during
the winter months of
school. You can't go
womg on these pirces.
They are absolutely
right.
SKIRTS
The offerings in Skirts are wonderful. No one, in the city or in small towns, can show
.garments that will compare with these skirts at the prices I am quoting.
I invite comparison of these goods. Come and look at them. Compare the quality
and the prices offered by other merchants. You are sure to return to the store and tell
me that you can't match them Satins, Silks, Jerseys, Tricollettes, up-to-the minute in
style. Priced at a big saving for you.
No Refunds
No Exchange
Every Bale
Is Final
no
nan r
IA U
I
No Refunds
No Exchange
Every Sale
Is Final