THE ALLIANCE HERALD, ALLIANCE, NEBRASKA, NOVEMBER 6, 1919
PAGE TWELVE
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GOOD STORIES OF
FIFTY YEARS AGO
Joke That Folk laughed at IWore
Hiere Ym Any Thought
of Civil War
We have come into possession of a
dosen of Harper' New Monthly Mag
Mine, most of them printed in the
47 before the civil war. Only two
of them were printed during the war,
and one during the period of recon
struction following it. SoonTr or
later, we plan to work up a series of
article! dealing with some of the
things that were live news before the
irlnf on Fort Sumter.
Tou will find, on looking over
these magaiines, that there are a sur
prising number of the Jokes that are
familiar to tou, yet you would hardly
ansoect them of being older than
yourself. They are written, as a
rule, in a somewhat stilted tyle, with
more or less lengthy introductions,
bat there is good humor in them, at
that.
Odd views of life and odd ways of
Mpressing them are proverbial in
newly settled regions, but most odd
when coming from one brought up to
the refinements and luxuries of the
ea,-board. A gentleman of this sort,
translated from the region of the
opera to the borne of the b'ar, gives a
humorous summary of the way
things are done at Minneapolis. Min
nesota, in a letter to "Dear John" in
New York, from which we quote a
few passages:
"I'm a poor and lary correspon
dent, except in the 'please remit'
tyle. 1 practice that dally, but my
Appeals, Instead of stamps, bring only
the blues. That is the prevalent dis
ease here; I've got it light. An in
dividual case can be cured by look
ing through the bottom of a tumbler,
but when the whole community have
got it the tumbler remedy is not a
sure thing. It is an excuse out here
for every thing except murder. Bus!
ness Is dead and burled, and we are
mourners. Can't sell any goods;
can't collect for what have been sold
Every concern owes every other con
cern, but no stamps to pay with. We
All pray for the 'good time coming,'
and hope it will come before there is
a general balloon ascension. As the
Dutchman says, 'In the midst of life
we are debt.' Let's change the sub
ject Yesterday, we went to church,
and occupied for the first time our
sew slip. It's not quite so high-
priced as yours In H. W. B.'s taber
oacle. Only $30. No velvet cush
ions: we don't go In for style. The
fattest person has the softest seat
I'm not fat myself, and next Sunday
hall wear extra drawers. Weather
has been on a spree lately; thermom
ter went about 3000 miles below
nothing that 1b, if a degree is sixty
miles. Whisky sold in cakes like
maple sugar. Not only milk, but
every thing else condensed. Colds
were contracted. The distance from
here to St. Paul lessened a mile.
Letter H on all the signs made I's at
you. I was tnirty on tne lbin, out
my age contraced five years, and I
now call myself twenty-five. A dol
lar became fifteen cents less each
time in passing a refreshment-saloon.
Mercury froze; boy froze to pair of
buckskin gloves; policeman froze to
him. I rather enjoyed the cold, and
would willingly lose another five
years from my age for a repetition.
I noticed, however, that the weather
had no effect upon thirty-day paper."
strychnine?" "No need of that,"
said the doctor, "If there was any in
it you -ould have been dead long
ago!"
Commodore Vanderbllt's thorough
war of doing things is proverbial
esDeclally with his employes. Not
long since some of his laborers ap
plied to "have their time reduced to
the eight-hour system. The Commo
dore ordered their time reduced to
seven hours, and paid them pro rata
One of the Irishmen, who did not
like this turn of affairs, said to his
neighbor. "Well. Mike. I wish the
Commodore was in ." "Oh J
said Mike, "bedad and that wouldn't
help you; for he'd have control of
the place inside of ft week!"
A distinguished ex-Governor of
Ohio, famous for story-telling, re
lates that on one occasion, while he
was addressing a temperance meet
ing at Georgetown, District of Col
umbia, and depicting the. miseries
caused by too freely indulging in the
flowing bowl, his attention was at
tracted by the sobs of ft disconsolate
and seedy-looking Individual seated
in the rear part of the room. On go
ing to the person and Interrogating
him, the Governor was told the usual
tale of woe; among other sad inci
dents, that during a career of vice he
had burled three wives. The Gover
nor having buried ft few wives of
his own sympathised deeply with the
inebriate, and consoled him as much
as was in his power. Said he: "The
Lord haa indeed deeply afflicted
you. The mourner, sobbing, re
plied. "Y-yes, He has;" and, paus
ing ft moment and wiping his nose
continued, "but I don't think the
Lord got much ahead of me, for, as
fast as He took one I took another!'
Professor Charles Avery, of Ham
Uton College, is one of the ablest as
well as most genial and witty of col
lege professors. On one occasion
class in chemistry were deep in the
analysis of poisons, various sub
stances being given containing the
poison to be tested. One of the class,
Inclining in his researches rather to
that part of chemical science relating
to liquids and their various combl
nations as beverages a research
oftener prosecuted In 's hotel
than the the laboratory asked the
doctor if It would not be well, as a
measure of safety, to "analyze some
of 's whisky, and test it for
When a circuit-preacher does et
but to rouse up a sleepy congrega
tion by some narrative that "shaves
up close" to the orphlc utterances of
Munchausen, it is good to be pres
ent and note the effect. Such a one
was Brother , who many years
ago, before he had gone to his Re
ward, traveled on circuit i nvermont.
He was uniformly grave and dignified
In the pulpit, but out of It a great
wag. lie originated the mosquito
story, and in this wise. Seeing that
some of his audience were getting
sleepy, he paused in his discourse
and digressed as follows:
"Brethren, you haven't any Idea
of the sufferings of our missionaries
in the new settlements on account of
mosquitoes. In some of these regions
they are enormous. A great many
of them will weigh a pound, and they
will get on the logs and bark when
the missionaries are coming along."
By this time all ears and eyes were
open, and he proceeded ot finish his
discourse.
The next day one of his hearers
called him to account for telling lies
in the pulpit: "There never was a
mosquito that weighed ft pound,"
said he.
"But I did not say one would
weigh a pound. I said 'a great many'
would weigh a pound, and I think a
million of them would."
"But you said they would bark at
the missionaries."
"No, no, brother; I said they
would get on the logs and bark."
As the author of "Recreations of
a Country Parson" says, "the art of
puttin gthlngs is one of the rarest
and most valuable to ft clergyman
saw the moon, which on that occa
sion wore a very red face. .
"Is that a wet or a dry moon?"
inquired the teacher. '
The boy ihad never heard these
terms applied to the. moon as a
weather-sign, and after some hesita
tion he said, "I should think It was
wet moon."
."Why so, sonny?" asked the eentl
teacher, wishing to draw the little
WW)
WLM
c a package
before the war
c a package
during the war
c a package
NOW
THE FLAVOR LASTS
SO DOES THE PRICE!
Equally new and original, If not
equally witty, was a similar dialogue
between the teacher and one of the
pupils oi a puDiic scnooi in me euy,
as they stepped out of the door, and
After you eat always take
ATONIC
Lid
join
FOUR A cm-STOMA cm
Instantly relieves Heartburn. Bloat.
d Gassy Feeling. Stops food souring,
repeating, and all stomach miseries.
Aid diiestioa aad appatita. Khpi tomaeh
waat and Iron, locraa, Vitality and Pap.
EA TONIC la tlx bait ramady. Tana of thou
aandi wondarfullr benafltad. Only ecata eant
or two a day to dm it. Po.ittr.lr ffuarantaad
to plaaaa or wa will rafund money. Gat biff
box today. You will Ma,
fellow out.
"Well," said the boy, "it looks so
plaguy red, I think it hain't been
painted long enough to get right dry
yet."
An Eastern gentleman traveling in
Arkansas meets with the following
"rules" for the regulation of the
hotel at which he puts up in that
frontier State. Believing that they
may furnish a hint or two to, the
hotel-men in this region, and some
entertainment to the readers of the
Drawer, he copies them in pencil
from the placard on the door of his
chamber, and sends them to us:
RULES OF THIS HOUSE
1. Gentlemen will black their
boots before leaving their rooms, or
they will not be admitted to the table
(Continued on Page 13.)
More Power from
Less Gasoline .
Besides lubrication that insures a
quiet, smooth-running motor,
Polarine Oil supplies a constant,
gas-tight seal between the piston
rings and the cylinder walls.
Polarine holds the explosive
power of the gasoline behind the
pistons. That is the secret of en
gine power and fuel economy.
There is no power leakage when
Polarine guards your engine. You
can use a lean, quick - burning,
economical mixture and get more
power from every gallon of gasoline
use less gasoline per mile.
Buy Polarine where you buy quick-fire,
power-full Red Crown Gasoline. At
filling time look for this sign.
STANDARD OIL COMPANY
(NEBRASKA)
Omaha
ring
MOTOR
rtn c
N .11
O
PUBLIC NOTIG
Owing to the increased cost and excessive loses through the
old "credit" system, we, the undersigned garages and automobile,
dealers of Alliance, have been forced to install the following rules:
Effective November 1st, 1919
All repair work and repairs used "Cash." All other garage
bills "Must" be settled promptly at the end of thirty days.
STORAGE PRICES
$10 per month until May 1st.
$7.50 per jnonth from May 1st to Nov. 1st. fc
NIGHT STORAGE
First night 50c, and 50c each succeeding night.
Day Storage 50c.
Lowry & Henry Schwabe Bros. Buick Garage
Coursey & Miller Sturgeon Garage Rumer Motor Co.
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