A I l.l AN I. IIKltAI.D. THURSDAY, NM1T. 1H, 1017
Charley Chaplin's Comic Capers
The Tea Leaves Were All Wrong
Copyr.BM. If y J. K
I 5l ARE OOmCi TO HBVf I Tf iHt S THE SORT OF MANl
VISITOR. Ht 15 HANDSOME I ? NY GIRl Would WAHjy v- ' '
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' ' "" M I I I II HI HW ! M I M I M nSaSSSSSSSSnWnSS III. 1 1 1 . 1, . M I I M III I II MM
TELEPHONE THREE-FOUR-OUGHT
H E R A L D
Do you want to
i Buy a dog?
Rent a house?
Find a ring?
Sell a boat?
Trade horses?
Hire a cook?
Secure a position?
fl'K your want is worth
wanting, it is worth
spending a few cents in
these columns.
Five Cents per Line Count Six
Words to a Line
No Advertisement taken for Less
Than 15c
For Rent
FOR SALE. Oood section of land.
Located ten miles southeast of Bing
ham, Nebraska. I'rice only $4,500.
Address or see Louise . Harp, Bingham
Nebraska, for particulars.
39-5t-$-8515
FOR SALE Typewriter ribbonf
for all makes o ftypewriters. Type
writer and pencil carbon papers
Typewriter paper aud second sheets.
Herald Publishing Co. I'hone 340.
LAND FTmALTTcTiATV The
finest land in Box Butte county. Ev
ery foot can be plowed. Level. Four
quarter-sections, 640 acres, in two
tracts of 320 acres eac Located
west of Hemingford. One tract has
wind mill and good well. Excellent
soil, fenced. The price ia low, on
easy terms. Owner will show the
land. Address Box 846? c-o Alli
ance Herald, for full information, or
call at Herald office.
35-4t-8467
FOU SALE Household iioods in-
I eluding a Victrola, on account of
leaving Allianee. Phone 3 or ad
dress or call at 904 Box Butte ave
nue. 4O-H-8610
FOR RENT-Two unfurnished I FOT S'dlC, OT Will
oms for rent, cheap. Suitable for 1
Trade for Farm
rooms
light housekeeping,
avenue.
623 Mississippi
39-5t-6r.64
FOR RENT Two suite of fur
nished rooms. One of two and one
of three rooms, at 321 Big Horn ave
nue. Phone 328, or call at 322 West
Fourth street fo key.
40-2t-8571
For Sale
HIGH GKADK second-hand auto
mobile for sale cheap. Nicolal &
Son. 37-tf
FOR SALE. Re-cleaned seed wheat
$2.00 per bushel. Rye $1.60 per
bushel.
J. A. KEEGAN.
:i8-tf-8554.
new II ART-PARR
40 on the belt. 27
A practically
OIL TRACTOR:
draw bar.
. "Money Maker" Thresher, 29 Spec
ial by 48.
Oliver No. 6, 6-bottom 14-inch En
gine Gang Plow.
This is a bargain if taken at once.
Write Q. W. Little, Box 4th Ave.
35th St.. Council Bluffs. Iowa.
Wanted
qTh ere's no false
modesty about this
want ad 'page.
9 No legitimate propo
sition need hesitate to
launch forth to find a
response.
tJNeed not even sign
your name or address.
This office receives and
holds replies for you,
FOR SALE High grade typewrit
er carbon paper. The kind that gives
you a clear duplicate. The Alliance
Herald, Phone 340.
YOUR CHANCE to get a iii-m-
lass, high-grade automobile for Hale :
cheap, lined but In excellent condl-1
tion. Nicolal & Hon. 37-tf
FOR SALE House, five rooms
and bath, on Big Horn. Address
Box 8542. care Alliance Herald.
37-tfr8542
" FOR SALE AT EXECUTORY
SALE Two residence properties lo
cated as follows: Lots five and six!
in block six. Wyoming addition to
City of Alliance. The residences are
composed of three and five rooms.
These residence r-roperties must be
sold.. Inquire of L. A. Berry, Room
, Rumer Block, Alliance. Nebraska.
Phone 9. 8287-23-tf
FORSAXEFvroonT residence
at 609 Sweetwater avenue. Electric
llghta, city water, bath. Barn. Ideal
down-town location. A bargain and
can be purchased on easy terms. Call
at The Herald office for further in
formation, price and terms.
4 tf
WANTED Position- as chamber
maid at hotel or rooming houBu.
Phone 406 aqd usk for Jacobson.
40-lt-8570$
'WATDoTTffice worTA
young lady who wants to work; one
! who can operate a typewriter, do
! collecting and other outside work;
I one who waists work because she
i needs it and who will appreciate a
j real Job. Address Box 4231, care
I Herald, or phone 240.
Lost and Found
FOUND Rim holder and nut
from Stanweld automobile demount
able rim. Owner may have same by
calling at Herald office and paying
for this ad. 37-tf-8503
FOUNDSwiTclTltirv and I
bunch of keys. Owner may have
same by calling at The Herald of
fice, identifying the keys, and pay
ing the cost of this want ad. HER
U4 PUBLISHING COMPANY.
34-tf-8469
LOST An automobile crank for a
Crow-Elkharj auto. On Alliance
street. Reasonable reward for re
turn to The Herald office.
38-tf-8516
LOST Auto casing, inner tube
and rim complete. 81ae 32x3
inches. United States make, smooth
tread, between Alliance and Hay
Springs. Suitable reward for recov
ery. Return to Rumer Motor Com
pany, Alliance, or AV. H. Bell, owner,
Gordon, Nebraska. 37-it-8510$
"Xi)ST7STirATE
Three head of cows, branded O over
S on left hip, and one red cow brand
ed M on hip! also three head of
calves with no brands. A good re
ward will be paid for any informa
tion leading to their recovery. Ad
dress any information to O, R. Rob
erts, Lewellen, Nebraska.
?.4-tf-8472
FOUNT A casting, evidently part
of a tractor or other large piece of
farm machinery, on road leading to
Alliance, by members of The Her
ald force. This casting is evidently
badly needed by someone and any
one knowing to whom it belongs will
confer a favor on the owner by ad
vising him that it is at The Herald
office, where it can be secured by
calling for it and paying the costs of
the insertion of this want ad. HER
ALD PUBLISHING COMPANY.
34-tf-8471
Miscellaneous
Calling cards lor the ladles ar
printed promptly and neatly at Th
Herald office The prices are rea
onable. Phone 340 for samples an'
price), or call at tbe office
MOVE FURNITURE SAFELY
We have equipped our dray wag-
em and auto truck with the latest
appliances for moving furniture
without marring or scratching or do
ing damage. Up-to-date wagon pads
will be used by us on all moving
Jobs. JOHN R SNYDER. Phone 15
37-tf-5950
The Government needs Farmers as
well aa Fighters. Two million three
hundred thousand acres of. Oregon
and California Railroad Co. Grant
I .amis Title revested in United
States. To be opened for homesteads
and sale. Containing aotne of best
land left in United States. Large
Copyrighted Map, showing land by
sections and description of soil, cli
mate, rainfall, elevation. tempera
ture, etc. Poatpaid, One Dollar.
Grant Lands Locating Co. Box 610,
Portland. Oregon 31-131-8446
"IF THE SHOE FITS YOU
THEN WEAR IT"
By
ADAM LIA.R
O, Hay!
A charming young creature mimed
Anner
Can certainly play the planner.
We've stood up seven days.
For all that she plays
Is a tune called "The Star-Spangled
Banner."
o
s. o. s.
There was a younglady from Denver
Who stooped to examine some clover.
A bee fell down her neck.
Soon her dress waa a wreck,
Through giving herself the once ov
er. o
A Little HrkIi
But talking about limericks- -did
you ever go to the city and ride in a
street car and notice the funny little
advertising siezns along both sides of
the car, some in verse and others
worse. Here is a sample:
A woman that's pretty is sure to
please. ,
Our three-dollar pants don't bag at
the knees.
Sillv thine, isn't it. It brings me
back to the days when I used to re
cite "poultry" at school. You know
I can t help but think or it when I
see all the little boys and girls trip
ping to the schoolhouse. That "trip
ping is a good word, dontcnatnink.
But to Ket back to the subject. I
api reminded of how fearful I was
that I would get triped up when I
got up to do my eiectuting. imag
ine, if you can, how scared I was
when I 'had to recite the following in
elocutionary style:
The lady stopped the little Doy
Whose legs were briar scratched,
And marveled at the funny way
His little pants were patched.
"Why did they patch with white?"
she said,
"And use no 'brown instead?"
The small boy scowled and touched
the spot.
"That ain't no patch." he said.
Those were the happy days. I'll
never forget when the teacher asked
lohnnv Montcomery to give her a
sentence with the words "horse
sense," and Johnny answered: One
night pa forgot to lock the stable
door, ad he hasn't seen his 'horse
sense.' " But school isn't the only
place for fun. Last week I went up
f, po'npr with Lloyd. He was
going to buy me a drink. I took an
egg maiteu milk. The man behind
the counter held up the egg and
cracked It into the glass Lloyd
asked him if it was a good egg. (You
see Lloyd ordered one of those
things, too.) I have been still won
dering about that egg, for the4 Rus
sian Reiser replied: "Yes, sir, it is
as pure as I am." s
o
Just Hoovertzing
Economy is the big thing these
davs. They're trying to practice It
in both Alliance and New York city
and I guess maybe the Germans are
getting a dose of it. They aay that
before the war the Germans ate sev
en meals a day. but now they only
eat three. I like to read the econ
omy hlntB in the papers. There is
food for thought in them.
If you'll Just try to digest these I'll
promise you that you will have gone
a long way toward solving the II. C.
L. :
In peeling potatoes, do ifbt throw
away the potatoes.
If you don't like onions, eat a lot
of them and you will lose your ap
petite for other food.
A substantial meal can be made
from porterhouse steak and potatoes.
Ol all foods ,soup 1st one of the
easiest on false teeth.
If you want a pie to last a long
time, make it of plaster of Paris.
To economize on bacon and eggs,
use only eggs one morning and save
the bacon for the next.
You can ever appreciate the Im
portace of bread crumb until you
find them in your bed.
Coffee and tea cost very little if
you don't drink it.
counter of a local store this week.
"The price Ih now 40 cents a
pound," was the reply. .
"Nonsense." said the woman.
'Why. I can get them at for 37
eents."
"Well, do no. "
' Don't be impudent, my I man,
be 'vas out of them."
"Oh well." smiled the butcher, "If
I WM out or them, I d let you have
them for 37 cents, too."
p
Couldn't Open U
The wife was up In the air. She
had threatened to horse-whip the
other woman and also to pull all her
hair out. She made it so hot for the
"other" woman and watched her so
constantly that the "other" woman
finally became tired of waiting for
an opportune time and left the city,
remarking, "There's no use waiting
here for business. I'm going where
I ilon't have to fight for It."
I An Unwise Love
Friend wife seems to have
"got
v. ise" to the goings on and now they
are all having a heluvu time over it.
j He is thinking of taking a trip and
! she is going to change her location.
Maybe they can smooth it over and
maybe not.
Lloyd's Column
Just .i.ike That
"How much a pound are your sau
sages?" inquired a woman at the
Forgot His Mlwdon
Doc McClue came into the office
yesterday, laughing like a gargoyle.
"Whence tho mirth?" we insinuat
ed. "Wait till I tell you," procrastin
ated Doc. 'You know old Harry?"
Yes, we knew him. Approaching
middle age, married but still tulka
tlve. That was the fellow,
"Well, old Harry comes into my
office this morning and I said, 'Hello,
Harry,' and he said, 'Hello, Doc'
And I said, 'What's on your mind?'
and he said, 'Nothing much, I guess.'
So I told him a story I heard last
night and that reminded him of one
he heard last week, and so It went.
And finally he said he guessed he'd
have to be toddling along toward the
office.
" 'Well.' says I, 'run along then.
Family all well?'
" 'Oh, that reminds rue,' says Har
ry. 'That's why 1 called. My wife's
iiad some kind of a stroke, and I was
sent down here to tell you to go
rirht over. Darn it, your stories
make me forget what I came for.' "
Ex.
l.lojit Vmlmmm
Beware the Restaurant Stew
Amsterdam A Prague newspaper
relates the sad story of an artist who
found it impossible to kill himself
with a knife or a rope and waa only
able to "shuffle off this mortal coil"
finally by eating a restaurant Blew.
Tiie newspaper's account of the trag
edy is as follows:
"Tired of life at 45, the artist pro-oureo-'a
portion of a violent poison
i.nd tried to kill himself with it. In
vain he awaited a fatal effect, and on
the follow1 ig day had the remains In
the vial analyzed. It waa a 'war
war substitute' poison. He then
procured a rope and hanged himself
but 104 rope was made of paper pulp
and It broke.
"The twofold failure of his at
tempt at suicide the man regarded as
a Sign of fate, and a fresh Joy in life
inspired him. Proceeding to a res
i nt he ordered and consumed an
alleged meat stew. It was a 'war
buoatlittls stew and two hours later
he was dead."
1 loS olUIUU
Taste In Music
The banjo it goes plink-plink-plink,
And it sounds pretty good. I think.
But some prefer a touch of gloom
Aud the bass fiddle's zoom-zoom.
Quite True
One of the attractions of the
church fete was a fortune-teller's
tent.
A lady took her 10-year-old, red
haired, treckled son Inside. The wo
man of wisdom bent over the crystal
ball.
"Your son will be a very distin
guished man if he lives long enough"
she murmured in deep, mysterious
tones.
"Ob. how nice!" gushed the proud
mother. "And what will he be dis
tinguished for?"
"For old age," replied the fortune
teller slowly. Knoxvllle Sentinel.
I,lid' Column
An Injustice Done
"Oh, dear, oh. dear!" moaned
wifey, in tears. "I wish I'd taken
poor mother's advice and never mar
ried you!" Hubby, the strong, sil
ent man, swung around on her
quickly, and at last found voice. "Did
your mother try to stop you marry
ing me?" he demanded. Wifey nod
ded violently. A look of deep re
morse crossed hubby's face. "Great
Scott," he cried, in broken tones,
"how I have wronged that woman!"
1. to ft'ti Column
Hot With Him
A woman's dressmaker sent horns
the other day a skirt that was, real
ly, too short altogether. The woman
put it on. It was becoming enough,
but it made her feel ashamed. She
entered the library, and her husband'
looked up from his work with a dark
frown.
"I wonder." she said, with an em
barrassed laugh, "If these ultra-short
skirts will ever go out?"
"They'll never go dut with me,"
ne answered in decided toneH.
Ho,'. (Bl.nH-
Tlie I'rice of Publicity
The lovejv lady consulted the pop
ular attorney in regard to getting a
divorce. She was particularly in
terested in knowing how much K
would cost. After looking over tbe
case, the lawyer said: n This is com
paratively easy. I ca get you l.AK
vorce without any publicity whatever
for $500." She looked at him
haughtily. "I have plenty of mon
ey." she said. "How much will It
cost with plenty of publicity and
erything?" He aw that she was a
person who wanted things done
right, so he hastily revised his fig
ures. L Column
Convincing Proof
A woman owning a house In Phil
adelphia, before which a gang of
workmen were engaged in making
street repairs was. much interested
In the work.
"And which is the foreman?" she
asked of a big, burly Celt.
A proud smile came to the counte
nance of that individual as he 're
plied :
"Ol am, mum."
"Really?" continued the lady.
"Ol kin prove it, mum." rejoined
the Irishman. Then turning to a la
borer at hand, he added, "Kelly,
ye're fired."
l.lod Column
Minnie, a child of four years,
stood watching the cook draw and
clean a chicken. As one thing after
another was drawn out and laid on
the table Minnie looked up In the
cook's face and asked: "Did you find
what you were looking for, Nora?"
l.lon Column
Gertrude, aged 3, sat in her high
chair at the dinner table, turning
about in her lingers a small ear of
corn from which she bad been nib
bling a row at a time. Suddenly she
burst into tears. "What is the mat
ter, dear?" asked her mother. "I've
lost my place!" sobbed the little one
-l.lo.il'. Column
Out at the front two regiments,
returning to the trenches, chanced to
meet. There was the usual exchange
of wit. "When's the gloomin' war
goln' to end?" asked one north-country'
lad. "Dunno," replied one of
the southshires. "We've planted
daffydlls In front of our trench."
"Bloomln' optimist!" snorted the
man from the north. "We've plant
ed ecorns."
LESS MEAT If BACK
AND KIDNEYS HURT
Take a glass of Salts to flash Kidneys
if Bladder bothers you Drink
lota of water.
Eating meet regularly eventually pro
luce kidney trouble in some form or
other, says a well-known authority, be
cause the uric acid in meat excites the
kidneys, they become overworked; get
sluggish ; clog up and cause all sorts ef
distress, particularly backache and mis
ery in the kidney region; rheumatic twin
ges, severe headaches, acid stomach, eon
tipation, torpid liver, sleeplessness,
bladder snd urinary irritation.
The moment your back hurts or kid
neys aren't acting right, or if bladder
bothers you, get about four ounces of
Jad Salts from any good pharmacy ;
take a tables poonful in a glass of water
before break fast for a few days and your
kidneys will then set fine. This famous
salts is made from the acid of grapes
snd lemon juice, combined with litala,
and has been used for generations to
Mush clogged kidneys and stimulate them
to normal activity; also to neutralize the
scids in the urine so it no longer irri
' s, thus ending bladder disorders,
id Salts cannot injure anyone.
e a delightful effervescent litkia-
iter drink which millions of men and
women take new snd then to keep the
I kidney snd urinary organs clean, thus
avoiding serious kidney disease.
Real Brtata. Loans and lnrnr
vnce. F. E. REDDISH, RaddUfa
Block. 15 tf -6727