""""" Vrr : - ... ,
The Riser's P
By HONRS
o
CHAPTER VIII. frnntimimt.l
Eugenic said nothing, ami raised lier
,. ves to heavn. Her generous instincts,
so long repressed and dormant, had been
Suddenly awakened, and every kindly
thought had heeu harshly checked us it
had arisen. Outwardly this erenlnit
4nsed Just as thousands of others had
passed in their monotonous live, but for
tho two women it was tho most painful
that they had erer spent. Eugenie sow
d without raisin her head; she took
conotiee of the work box which Charles
Bad looked at so scornfulyl yesterday
-evening. Mme. Grandet knitted away at
fcer cuffs. Urandet aat twirling his
thumbs, absorbed In. schemes which
should one day bring about results that
would startle Saumar. Nanon was spin
ning; the whirr of her wheel was the
only sound In the great room beneath the
gray-painted rafters.
. "Our tongues don't go very fast," she
ald, showing her large teeth, whit as
.tlanched diamonds.
"There Is no call for them to go," an
swered Grandet, roused from his calcu
lations. He beheld a vision of the future he
aaw eight millions In three year' time
he had set forth on long voyage upon
. golden sea.
"Let us go to bed. I will go up nnd
wish my nephew a good night from you
.ail, and see if he wants anything."
Mme. Grandet stayed on the landing
outside her room door to hear what her
worthy husband might say to Charles.
Eugenie, bolder than her mother, went a
Up or two up the second flight.
"Well, nephew, you are feeling un
ifcappy? Tea, cry, It Is only natural, a
father Is a father. But we must bear
our troubles patiently. Whilst you have
teen crying I hare been thinking for you;
I am a kind uncle, you aee. Come, don't
lose heart. But you are all m the dark,"
Grandet went on. "That'a bad that'a
bad. One ought to see what one is do
ing. What, a wax candle! Where have
-they fished that from? I believe the
wenches would pull up the floor of my
louse to cook eggs for that boy."
Mother and dnughter, hearing these
-words, fled to their rooms and crept into
-their beds like frightened mice.
"Mme. Graudet, you have a lot of
-money somewhere, It seems," said the
ine grower, walking Into his wife's
rooms.
"I am saying my prayers, dear," tal--tered
the poor mother.
"Very well. Good night. To-morrow
morning I shall have something to say to
jou."
CHAPTER IX.
Mme. Grandet betook herself to sleep
like a schoolboy who has not learned his
lessons and sees before him the angry
face of the master when he wakes. Sheer
terror led her to wrap the sheets about
iher head, but just at that moment she
felt a kiss on her forehead. It win Eu
.geuie, who had slipped Into the room in
4he darkness and stood there barefooted
in her nightdress.
"Oh, mother my kind mother!" she
aid. "I shall tell him to-morrow morn
ing that it was all my doing."
"No, don't. If you do, he will aeud
.you away to Noyers. Let me manage it.
lie will not eat me, after all."
"Oh, mamma, do you hear? He is
crying still."
"Go back to bed, dear. The floor is
damp; it will strike cold to your feet."
So ended the solemn day, which had
tirought for the poor wealthy heiress a
Ulfelong burden of sorrow. Never ugain
would Eugenie Grandet sleep as soundly
or as lightly as heretofore.
The trouble and excitement of the day
disturbed her rest; she woke again and
.again to listen for auy sound from her
cousin's room, thinking that she still
.heard the moans that all day long had
Tihrated through her heart. Sometimes
she seemed to see him lying up there, dy
ing of grief; sometimes she dreamed that
lie was being starved to death. Toward
morning she distinctly heard a terrible
cry. She dressed herself at once, and in
the dim light of the dawo fled noiselessly
up the stairs to her cousin' room. The
door stood open,' the wax candle had
burned itself down to the socket. Nature
iad asserted herself; Charles, still dress
ed, was sleeping in the armchair, with
bis head fallen forward on the bed; he
had been dreaming as famished people
.dream. Eugenie admired the fair young
face. It was flushed and tear-s'tained;
the eyelids were swollen with weeping;
iho seemed to be still crying in his sleep,
And Eugenie's own tears fell fast. Some
dim feeling that his cousin was present
.awakened Charles; he opened his eyes
.and saw her distress.
"Pardon me, cousin," he said, dream
illy. Evidently he hnd lost all reckon
ing of time, and did not know where be
was.
"There are hearts here that feel for
you, cousin, and we thought that you
might perhaps want something. You
should go to bed; you will tire yourself
out If you sleep like that."
"Yes," he said, "that is true."
"Good-by," she said, aud fled, half in
.confusion, half glad that she had come.
An hour later she went to her mother's
room to help her to dress, as she always
did. Then the two women went down
stairs and waited for Grandet's coming
in the anxiety which freezes or burns.
"The cooper came downstairs, spoke In
an absent-minded way to his wife, kissed
Eugenie, and sat down to table. He
seemed to have forgotten last Dight'a
threats.
"What has becomo of my nephew? The
chilli is not mucn in tne way."
"He is asleep, sir," said IS'anon.
"So much the better; he won't want a
wax candle for that, snid Grandet, fa
cetiously.
His extraordinary mildness una sat'ir-
lecl humor punzled Mme. Grandet; she
looked earnestly at her husband. He
took up his hat and gloves with the re
mark:
"1 am going to have a look round in
tho market place; 1 waut to meet the
.Cruehots."
Grandet always slept but lit tie. und
was wont to spend half the uij;ht In re
volving and maturiug schemes, a process j
tiy which his views, observation and
plans gained amazingly iu clearness and
precision; indeed, this was the secret of
thut constant success which wus the ud
iniration of Suumur.
During tho night this eellout man's
Ideas hud taken an entirely new turn;
hence his unusual mildness. He hud
teen weaving a web to entangle them in
Paris; he would envelop them in his toils,
they should lx as clay in his hands; they
hould hope nnd tremble, come and go,
toil und sweat, and nil for his amuse
ment, all for the old cooper in the dirgy
room at the head of tho worm-eaten
staircase in the old house at Suumur; it
tickled his sense of humor.
He had been thinking uhout hi"
nephew, He wanted to save his dead
brother's name from dishonor in a way
t'-t should not cost a penny either to
' ' to hiustif, lie was about
JQHTER
DU BALZAC
to invest his money for three years, his
mind was quite at leisure from his own
nffairs; ho really needed some outlet for
his malicious euergy, and here vn nil
opportunity supplied by his brother's
failure. The clnws were Idle, he had
nothing to squeeze between them, no ho
would pound the Parisians for Charles'
benefit, and exhibit himself in the light
of nn excellent brother at a very cheap
rnte. As a nintter of fact, the honor of
the family name counted for very little
with him In this matter; he looked nt it
from the purely impersonal point of view
of the gambler, who likes to see a name
well played although it Is no affair of
his. The Cruehots were necessary to
him, but he did not mean to go in search
of them; they should come to him. That
very evening the comedy should begin,
the main outlines were decided upen al
ready, to-morrow he would be held up
as an object of admiration all over the
town, and his' generosity should not cost
him a farthing!
He returned In time for the midday
meal, which he took standing. Then the
keeper, who had not yet received his
promised reward, appeared from Froid
fond, bringing with him a hare, some
partridges shot in tho park, a few eels,
and a couple of pike sent by him from
the miller's.
"Aha! so here is old Cornoiller; you
come Just when you are wanted, like salt
fish In Lent. Come, Nanon, look alive!
Just take this, It will do for dinner to
day; the two Cruehots are coming."
Nanon opened her eyes with amaze
ment, and stared first at one and then at
another.
"Oh! Indeed," she said; "and where
are the herbs and the bacon to come
from?"
"Wire," said Grandet, "let Nanon have
six francs."
"Well, then.' M. Grandet," the game
keeper began (he wished to see tho ques
tion of his salary properly settled, and
was duly primed with a speech) "M.
Graudet "
"Tut, tut, tut," said Graudet, "I know
what you ure going to say; you are a
good fellow, we will see about that to
morrow, I am very busy to-day. Give
him five francs, wife," he added, and
with that he beat a retreat. The poor
woman was only too happy to purchase
peace at the price of eleven francs. She
knew by experience that Grandet usu
ally kept quiet for a fortnight after he
had made her disburse coin by coin the
money which he had given her.
"There, Cornoiller," she said, as she
slipped ten franca into his hand; "we
will repay you for your services one of
these days."
"Madame," said Nanon, who by this
time had a basket on her arm, "three
francs will be quite enough; keep the
rest. I shall manage just as well with
three."
"Let us have a good dinner, Nnnon,
my cousin is coming downstairs," said
Eugenie.
"There is something very extraordi
nary going on, I am sure," said Mme.
Grandet. "This makes the third time
since we -ere married that your father
has asked any one here to dinner."
It wns nearly 4 o'clock In the after
noon; Eugenie and her mother had laid
(fTe cloth and set the table for six per
son. Charles came into the dining room
looking white aud sad; there wss a pa
thetic charm about his gestures, his face,
his looks, the tones of his voice; his sor
row had given him the Interesting look
that women like ao well, and Eugenie
only loved him the more because his fea
tures were worn with puiu. Perhaps,
too, his trouble had brought them near
er In other ways. Charles was no long
er the rich and handsome young man
who lived in a sphere far beyond her
ken; he was in deep and terrible dis
tress, and sorrow is a great leveler.
Charles and Eugenie understood each
other without a wort being spoken on
either Vide. The poor danaTy of yester
day, fallen from his high estate, to-day
was an orphan, who sat in a corner of
the room, quiet, composed nnd proud, but
from time to time he met bis cousin s
eyes, her Kind and affectionate giunce
rested on him, and compelled linn to
shake off his dark aud somber broodings,
and to look forward with her to a future
full of hope, in which she loved to think
that she might share.
The news of Grandet's dinuer party
caused eveu greater excitement In Sau-
mur than the sale of his vintage, al
though this latter proceeding had been
a crime of the blackest dye, an act of
high treason against the vine growers'
interest.
It was not long beforo the des Gras-
sins heard of Guillaume Grandet's violent
end and impending bankruptcy. They
determined to pay a visit to their client
that evening, to condole wUb him in his
ailliction, and to show a friendly inter
est; while they endeavored to discover
the motives wfnri could have led Grau
dot to iuvite the Cruehots to dinner at
such a time.
Precisely at 5 o'clock President C. de
Bon tons and his uncle the notary arriv
ed, dressed up to the nines this' time.
The guests seated themselves at table,
and began by attacking their dinner with
remarkably good appetites. Grandet was
solemn, Charles was silent, Eugenie was
dumb, aud Mme. Graudet said no more
than usual; if it had been a funeral re
past. It could not well have been less
lively. When they nose from the table,
Charles addressed his aunt uird uncle:
"Will you permit me to withdraw? I
have some long und dilllcult letters to
write."
"I'.y nil means, nephew."
When f'hnrles had left the room, nnd
his amiable relative could fairly assume
thnt he wns out ot earshot, Graudet gave
his wife n sinister glance.
"Mine. Grandet, what we are going to
say will be Greek to you; it is half past
7 o'clock. ( you ought to be off to bed by
this time. Good night, my daughter."
He kissed Eugenie, ami mother and
daughter left the room.
CHAPTER X.
Now, if ever in his life, Gruudct dis
played rill the shrewdness which lie had
acquired in the course of his long expe
rience of men und business, und all the
euuniiu: which hud gained him the nick
name of "old fox" among those who had
felt his teeth a littlu too shurply.
"M-iu-inousieur lo P-p-presidcut, you
wero s-s-saying that b-b-bankruptcy "
Here the trick of stammering which
it hnd pleased tho vine grower to assume
so long ugo thut every one believed it
to be natural to him, grew so unbearably
tedious for the t'ruchot pair, thut as
they strove to catch the syllables they
made unconscious grimaces, moving their
lips as if they would fnin tiiil-b the
words lu which the cooper entangled
both himself and them ut his pluitsuie.
The present biumcs required morn
deafness, more stummeriug, more of the
inaJiy circumlocution in vhieh Grandet
was wont to involve himself, thi.u any
previous transaction in his life; for, in
the first pluce, be wished lo throw the
responsibility rf Ms Ideas on some on !
else1 some ont else was to suggest Ms
own schemes to him, while lie wes to
keep himself to himself, and leave every I ,
one In the dark as to hi real Intentians. I
'Monsieur de B-B-Bonfons, you were'
s s (spying that in certain cases, p-p-n- J
pr.K-e.vun.Js in l-l-haiikruptcy might be
s-s-stopped b-b-b-by "
"At the Instance of a Tribuual of Com
merce. That Is done every day of the
year." said M. ('.'do Bonfons, guessing,
ns he thought, at old Grandet's idea, and
running nivny with It "Listen!" he said,
and in the most amiable way he prepared
to explain himself.
"1 inn listening," replied the older man
meekly, nnd his face assumed u demure
expression. Ho looked like some small
boy who Is laughing in his sleeve at his
schoolmaster while appearing to pay the
most respectful attention.
"When anybody who Is in n large way
of business and Is much looked up to,
like your late brother in Paris, for in
stance. Is likely to find himself iusol-
"Ins-a-solvent, do they call It?"
"Yes. When his failure Is imminent,
the Tribunal of Commerce, to which he
Is amenable has power by a judgment to
appoint liquidators to wind up the busi
ness. Liquidation is not bankruptcy, do
you understand? It Is a disgraceful thing
to be a bankrupt, but a liquidation re
flects no discredit on a mnn."
"It is quite a d-d-dllTcrent thing, If
only It d-d-does not cost any more," said
Grandet.
"Yes. But a liquidation can be pri
vately arranged without having recourse
to the Tribunal of Commerce." said the
president. "How Is a man declared
bankrupt?"
"Yes how?" Inquired Grandet. "I
have n-n-never thought about It."
"In the first- place, he may himself
file a petition and leave his schedule with
the clerk of the court; the debtor himself
draws it up or authorizes some one else
to do so, and It Is duly registered. Or,
In the second plnce, his creditors may
make him a bankrupt. But supposing
the debtor does not file a petition, and
none of his creditors make application to
the court for a judgment declaring him
bankrupt now let us see what happens
then!"
"Y'es let us s-s-see."
"In that case, the family of the deceas
ed, or his representatives, or his residu
ary legatee, or the man himself. If he Is
not dend, or his friends for him, liquidate
his affairs. Now, possibly, you may In
tend to do this in your brother's case?"
inquired the president.
"Oh, Grandet!" exclaimed the notary.
"That would be acting very handsomely!
We In the provinces have our notions of
honor. If you saved your name from dis
honor for it Is your name you would
be "
"Sublime!" cried tho president, inter
rupting his uncle.
(To be continued.)
QUEER TOWN NAME8.
"Bird In Haad," "Hat Off," "Yon Bet"
Among; Others.
The Washington Star has culled
from the Postal Guide a list of some
of the curiously named postofflces.
Here are a few:
Tub, Pa.; Robberts' Roost, I. T.;
Bird In Hand, ra.; Lnmedeer, Mont;
Popcorn, Ind.; Why Not, Ky.; nat Off,
Ga.; Sopchoppy, Fla.; Jugtown, N. C;
Seven-stars, Pa.; Fearnot, Pa.; Judy
town, W. Va.; rig. Ky.; Goodnight,
Ky.; Red Knob, W. Va.; Red Lick,
Miss.; Gump, Pa.; Zim, Minn ; Zif,
I1J.; Zero, Ky.; Yellowdlrt, Ga.; Yel
lowjacket Idaho; Rldeout, Fla.; Gum
log, Ga.; Blue Eye, Mo.; Goodwill, S.
D.; Gooseberry, Ore.; Goochland, Va.
Gee, Ky.; Red Key, Ind.; Grip, Pa.;
Walkechalk, Pa.; You Bet, Cal.; Good
Thunder, Minn.; Maidstone, Vt; Con
gruity, ra.; Bad Axe, Mich.; Two
Johns, Md.; Rabbit Hash, Ky.; Bat
Cave, N. C; Goodwine. 111.; Happy
Creek, Va.; Nut, Fla.; Blgbug, Ariz.;
Big Moses, W. Va.; Nix, S. C.; Dice,
Mich.; Love, Vu.; Ablquln, N. M.; Chi
nese Camp, Cal.; Bonnet, 8. C; Pov
erty Hill, 8. C; Red Bird, Ky.; Job,
Mo.; Loveless, Ala,; AJax, La.; Hat,
Va.; Red Apple, Ala.; Two Licks, Pa.;
T witty, N. C; Yellowhouse, ra.; Yel
low Rabbit, Miss.; Crane Eater, Ga.;
Tonight, Ga.; Blue Jacket, I. T.; Char
lie Hope, Va.
These are found In Tennessee:
Peeled Chestnut, Sewanee, UatniRker,
Chuckaluck, Young Blood, Yell, Bone
cave, Chlmneytop, Goodbye, HIiiR
henlth, Bulls Gap, Dickey, Mug, A. B.
C, Barefoot, Wild Goose. And these
in Texas: Couts, Baby Head, Cat
Spring, Lovelady, Beauklss, I! if foot,
Mud and Cush.
Others are: Sunday, Monroe County,
Ala.; Jam, Mich.; Sldeburn, Va.; Birds
Nest, Va.; Mule, Ore.; Marked Tree,
Ark.; Jackajones, Ark.; Jamboree, ICy.;
Coltsneck, N. J.; Zinc, Ark.; Zlg, Mo.;
Hardpan, Pa.; Sugar Bush, Wis.
FIRST PAPER EVER MADE.
Early New KiiKlond Journal Cute It
Circulation to Conform to Bupply.
Zcnos Crane was the tlrst paper
maker in the United States, and it la
recorded lu the archives of Massachu
setts that he spent bis first night la
Berkshire at a little wayside Inn, with
in a stone's throw of where the hand
some residenevs and thriving mills of
his descendants now stand and almost
on the Identical spot where his grand
son, formerly Governor f Massachu
setts, superintends the vast machinery
of the famous mill where all the paper
for tho United States money Is manu
factured. But the pioneer, weury from
the long Journey ou horseback nnd
without uny capital save brains and an
Independent spirit, could scarcely have
prophesied the proportions to which
the seed he was about to plant would
grow. In fact, it was not until two
years later that the money was raised
and purt tiers secured with which to
start a little one-vut mill.
At the time the establishment or a
manufactory in UDy part of America
was considered n hold and dangerous
experiment und hailed by press aud
people as a patriotic act. Skilled work
men were rare and It wus more dilll
cult to reach a market ti few miles dis
tant th a n ' it now is to encircle the
globe. There were only a few paper
mills and these were obliged to shut
down frequently for hick of operators
or of raw material. There was no sys
tematic method of collecting rags and
much of tho product of tho mills wai
carted about tho country and ex
changed for rags und a little money.
While tho colonies were under English
rule It was the policy to repress colo
nial manufactures. Tho few that grew
up were forced to their full capacity
during tho revolutionary war and
threatened with, extinction wtiea the
peace of 17S3 permitted tie Uuporta
t'on of foreign gxUs.
I TLA frr
The FnwiltiK Place,
t hire to go to the Fussing Place
When I'm very bad,
And mother has ruch a sorry face,
And her eyes look sad.
But she says, in just the firmest tone.
"The boy that fusses must stay alone,"
' When I have been bud.
At first I pretend I do not care,
And I hum a tune.
An dwalk off quick with my hend In the
air.
But pretty soon
I begin to hate the Fussing Place.
And to be there seems a great disgrace,
So I stop my tune.
And then I think of mother's eyes
With that sorry look,
Aud soon I think it Is time to surprise
Her over her book.
So 1 hunt up. a smile, and put it on
(For I can't come out till the growns are
gone).
How happy she'll look!
The Fusing Place? Oh, it's where you're
sent
When you're naughty and mean,
And there you must stay till you're good
again,
And fit to be seen.
It's up In the attic, or under the stairs.
Or seated ou one of the kitchen chairs.
And, oh, you feel mean!
But It doesn't matter much where It is
This old Fussing Place;
For Cue very spot that seems so bad
When you're In disgrace.
Is nice enough when you're loving and
true,
6o It's not where you are, but how you
do.
That mnkes It a "Fussing Place."
Youth's Companion.
beyond
. 4
She atttta hV
nevvous. vvostvdon'
Until ticv poox
vcy .despair
tied ts t
Witt vopea,1 X o
The UohappieHt Hoy in the World.
The unhapplest boy in the world
must surely be the 10-year-old Arch
duke Karl, belr to the throne of Austria-Hungary.
He was born to be the
heir of the most ancient reigning fam
ily In Europe, to vast rcvenus and Im
prlal possessions, but be was also born
to splendid misery. He is deprived of
all the joys which make life pleasant
and enjoyable to the ordinary boy.
The crown Jewels of Austria, which
will bo his some day, are valued at
fifteen million dollars. He will inherit
twenty castles. The great palace In
Vienna Is as large as a town. In tho
meantime he receives nn allowance of
forty thousand dollars a year, but of
course ha Is not allowed to upend a
cent of this. The bulk of it is kept in
the bank for him, while what is neces
sary for his dully expenses is expended
by his tutors.
There are eighteen of these tutors,
and with them the poor lad has to
work from morning to night, learning
all the things a great sovereign has to
know. This is his usual day's routine:
Get up at 5 every morning; bathe, ex
ercise, study until 8; then breakfast.
Ktudy again from 0 until 12 o'clock. He
has a simple lunch at noon, and from
1 to 3 is given up to his military train
ing, which includes riding, fencing,
sword drill, trench digging, etc. Ho
goes to his books again nt 4:30, and at
6 o'clock stops for his dlnne, which is
a long, tiresome, ceremonious meal. Af
ter that he is allowed to spend one
hour of recreation with his mother und
his youngest brother. His father is a
reckless, drunken, disreputable person
who is divorced from his mother. Af
ter one hour of fumlly sociability out
of the whole day Archduke Karl is
promptly put to bed. This young lsiy
must be perfectly familiar with thir
teen different languages that ure spok
en In the Austrian empire. Besides
that ho must study modern languages,
classics, mathematics, geography, liter
ature und history on a very elaborate
scule In order to give blm the peculiar
knowledge needed for his duties ou the
throne.
Twice a week he Is taken to u lec
ture at the Schotten High Scluxd In
order that he may know something of
the course of studies in a public school.
He is not permitted to mingle lu the
slightest degree with the other buys.
He sits ii lone on a front bench sur
rounded at a resjectnble distance by
his chief tutors, and by a large number
of private detectives, for tho life of
every member of the imperial family is
'in danger. And after til, politicians
say, Austria-Hungary, tutirtd" up of so
many different rac; tongues and re
ligions, will pieces before this
hard-workcJy-flf,y grows up. Poor
Archduke? Juarl! Woman's World
Wuatlic I'roiuUe Not Fuliillcd'r
A tfnall miss who hud but recently
ma-f-red her catechism confused her
,dJHsA,poIntinent with It thus: "Now, I
ohm. tho fifth commandment und honor
mw oaDa and mamma, yet uiy days are
7 - Jr. XVILI
w 1
not a bit longer In the land, for I'm put
to hod every night at T o'clock Just the
same."
Why Willie Felt lU.lly.
"What's the matter. Willie?" asked
his grandma. "Did you eat too mncb
din tier?"
"N no." soblMMl the little fellow. "I'm
Just f-feclln' hnd Van 1 d -didn't eat
enough to in-mnke me f-feel bad."
Johnny nn Hard Word.
Tommy 1 wonder why soiuo words
are so awfully hard to spell?
Johnny Oh, I guess school teachers
made 'em that way so t'y would have
to be hi ml to teach tis children how to
spell 'em.
Another Nurpriae for Mainmii.
Little, Flossie Mamma, wero you nt
homo when I wns lnirn?
Mmiiimi -t No, dear; 1 was at grand
ma's. In the country.
Little Flossie Wasn't you nwf'ly
s'prised when you heard about It?
ABOUT THE WEATHER.
Farmer Calls at the Bureau and Inter
views the Ollioe Hoy.
A man from South Jersey blew Into
the weather'bureau the other day. He
had fire in his eyes.
"Where's the guy wot runs
this
otllee?" lie said.
"He's out," asid the odiee boy.
"I low long has he been out?'
"Three or four days."
"Well, where's the geezer whose bin
tellln' me every day Unit It wus goln'
to bo cooler, with showers?"
"Me."
"You!"
"Yep."
"Well, sonny, how did you do it?"
"This 'er way. We can't give out
any predictions till we hear from
Washington, anyway see?"
"Yes, I see."
"Washington finds out what kinder
weather we're golu' to have, and tele
graphs it ou aee?"
"Yes."
"Theu all we have tor do Is to say
the sumo tiling over again catch on?"
"And yer mean ter tell me that's all
we hev tvr depend on Just what the
folks in Washington say about what
weather's golu' to be orouud hero?"
"Well, when the boss is around, we
kinder flgger It out ourselves but if
it's different from what Washington
says aud we aiu't right there's a
kick."
"But if you are right?"
"Nothing doing."
"Then I'm to understand "
"See yere, ole hayseed, you're to un
derstand that we git our pay from
Washington. Kin ye understand that?"
"I think so."
"Well, we ain't monkeyln' wld uo
buzz saw."
"No, you hev to git yer salaries, of
course and we farmers hev ter pay
'em. But I think Mark Twain will
have to revise his story about the most
useless man in America, and call him
the weather bureau chief In Washing
ton." "Mehbe so, but I guessi you've been
reading some of this hot air in the
papers about how we do things up
here?"
"No, but I've been getting more hot
air lately than Is good for my farm, and
I think I'll let the weather predictions
go and put In an Irrigation plant."
Philadelphia Telegraph.
HOW TO BE HAPPY.
Put Your Heart in Your Work and You
Will Get Joy from It.
If you try to overtake happiness It
Is likely to give you the dust and keep
you in the chase. The better way is
to let It overtake you. This it will do
if you provide the conditions.
Be just, be true, be kind. The charm
of existence comes from relating our
selves beautifully and faithfully aud
devotedly to our work, to our friends,
to our surroundings, to our days and
moments.
Let thero be a warm commingling
of Interests between yourself and those
who are nearest. How ofteu there is
so little In common between a futher
and his children, or between members
of the same fumlly; each one living
his lifu under the same roof, aud yet
knowing little of the other brothers
and sisters, and yet comparative stran
gers. Much Is lost In this way ut
least much would he gullied If thero
were a merging of coulldeuces.
Then reflect that life, like every
other blessing, derives Its value from
Its use alone, A life lu which nothing
happens is not artistic, and cannot
be made so. One of the wisest and
best kiiowu men of this generation
says that if a man has abilities and
will not use them he Is a scoundrel,
and ought to be punished.
Put heart Into your work, and you
will get Joy out of It. Let the money
consideration be secondary. The first
thing Is to be true lo labor with a
composed, Invincible energy, till It be
come u labor of love and gladness.
Live so that to morrow and all the
coming to-morrows will bw brightened
by the memory of to-day. Y'ou may
take It for grauted that If by kindness
and sympathy und the clean, con
scientious fulfillment of your tusk you
diffuse sunshine Into other hearts, you
will not be able to keep It out of your
own. Toronto Star.
A Oiio I Man.
A middle-aged woman has railed at
the post ollice two or three times daily
for the past week, to see If there was
nny mull to her address. Her anxiety
finally became so great that she ex
plained that she was expecting money
from her husband, who was oil' on his
annual vacation. Yesterday morning
she wus made glad by receiving n
postal card from hiui. She retired to
one of the windows and read aloud to
herself:
"Dear Wife: I'd send you twen
ty dollars with this, but you see I'd
have to pin it ou, und some one might
take it off und put u counterfeit iu
its place, and when I got home you'd
bo in Jail."
She read It over again, und there
wero tears in her eyes as win; mused:
"He's the best man on earth. Few
husbands would have been as thought
ful a that. I don't know good money
from bud, and but for his thought
fulness 1 might pass this very night
lu jail. I see now what a narrow es
cape I've had, and I'll take tho chil
dren and go aud board with my brother-in-law
for tho next two weks."
HUMOR OF THE WEEK
6TORIE8 TOLD BY FUNNY MEM
OF THE PRESS.
Odd, Cnrlone and I.aaiihabte Phaaet
of Human Nature Graphically Por
trayed by Eminent Word Artiata of
Our Own Pay A Budget of Ton.
"I met your friend, Goodman, yes
terday." "He's no friend of mine."
"What! Why, when I saw him he
was buying half a dozen etchings for
your parlor."
"That's Just It. They came home
last night and It took mo ithrec hours
to hang them th way my wife wanted
them." Philadelphia Ledger.
t,oat Faith and Other Thlnar
"Yes," said tho man who had been
generous with his friends, "I've lost
faith in humankind to some extent."
"To what f xtent?"
"Well, to tho extent ot about f 1,000
in blocks of five and ten at a time."
Philadelphia Icdger.
A KtartlliiK Prospect.
Mrs. Benton Holme Doctor, my
husband's heart beats very weakly.
Dr. Fhll Graves I'll soon stop that
On the ParkHcnch.
Ernie The professors say that there
are more microbes iu summer.
Jack Well, thero Is more kissing in
summer.
Rut Often.
"She's an actress; married, I sup
pose?" "Oh, yes!"
"nas she been married long?"
"Not long at a time." Philadelphia
Ledger.
Qualified.
"What makes Jetiksey think that he
can get into the Kusslan army?"
"He's a champion long-distance run
ner." Detroit Free Press.
Taking; II I m Seriously.
"I will lay my fortune at the feet of
your daughter," said Count Fucash.
"I understand," said Mr. Cumrox,
"You moan the fortune you expect to
get after you are married." Washing
ton Star.
A Theory.
"Why Is It that so many people at
tempt literature and so few succeed?"
"The trouble Is," answered Vis cyni
cal publisher, "that when a or an gets
something on bis mind that Isn't suffi
ciently entertalulng to Interest his
friends be goes away and writes a
book about it." Washington Star.
Scattering Hunahlna.
"nave you done anything to make
people happier?" f
"Of course I have," answered Sena
tor Borghutn. "Every time I write my
name on a check somo one feels hap
pier." Washington Star.
He Would Not Htoop Bo Low.
Farmer Gome, beat my carpet an'
I'll give you a good dinner.
Tramp I'm sorry, but I don't beat
my way, thank you.
V!oe of the Hubarbanlte.
Somehow ho Isn't filled, with Joy,
Because tho winter's gone;
For where ho used to shovel snow,
He now must mow tho lawn.
A Trulnlnu tU-hool.
Tarker Your friend Stone always
speaks well of everybody.
Kerwln Yes; merely force of habit
I'arker What's the explanation?
Kerwln He's a marble cutter, and
his specialty Is curving epitaphs ou
gravestones.
Friendly Huriaain.
Romantic. Uuth I took a long tramp
Into the country yesterday afternoon.
Practical Prue Indeed! Aud what
was tho name of your tall friend?
Kuuppy.
Boreni I hear she rejected you. I'll
bet you felt foolish about that time.
Lover Yes, I guess I felt Just as
foolish at thut time as you look ull tho
time. Philadelphia Press.
An Insinuation.
Maude I had some new
graphs taken lust week.
Clara blil you, really?
photO'
Maude Yes. The urtlst says the
likeness Is absolutely perfect
Clara And did you refuse to tike
them ?
' He Had Hitter Not Try It Aicaiut
Miss June You urn married, Mrs,
March, and you ought to know. Do
you believe In love tit hist sight?
Mrs. Murch (looking grimly at Mr.
M.) Well, 1 think it etui happen once,
L3
i Bowleg Inatractlona.
Judge What was your object In as
suming i disguise and passing yourself
off as I. V. Morgan at thnt hotel?
Prisoner Well, yon see, judge, my
wife Is always asking me why I don't
try to be somebody," and I was doing
my best to comply with her wishes.
New Orleans Times-Democrat.
Iler Alma Mater.
"Mrs. Gosslpe an alumnus,"
to
ex-
claimed Mrs. McFlub in surprise. "Of
what institution Is she a graduate, I'd
like to know?"
I'm sure I'm not aware," responded
Miss Sulfuric, "but from her conversa
tion I should Imagine that It's the
School for Scandal.'" Philadelphia
Bulletin.
The Merlons Part.
Mrs. McCall I tell you this discus
sion of the servant girl question is a
very serious thing.
Mrs. Hume It Is, Indeed. You can't
tell what minute the servant girl wilt
overhear yon. Philadelphia Ledger.
On the Jersey Coast.
Mysterious raps wero heard on the
wall9 of the summer hotel.
"Great goodness!" cried the fright
ened widow In room 13. "I wonder if
thut could be my departed husband?"
"No," growled a man In room 14,
'It's people on the other floors killing
mosquitoes with their slippers."
Retroactive.
"Why do you sell this brand of
shirts only?" asked the transient cus
tomer.
"Because It Is tho most fashionable,"
replied the swell haberdasher.
"Indeed? What makes It the most
fashionable?"
"The fact that we sell It" Phila
delphia Press.
A Wise Lecturer.
'Yes. he's got a lecture on tho north.
pole with moving pictures and real!
ice."
"Indeed When does he start outfl
"Oh, not until the weather gets very
hot" Cleveland Tlain Dealer.
A Mystery,
Garnish I see you have my novol-
I'll bet you had to look at the last
page to see how It came out. ,
Miss Quizaer No, I looked at the)
name of the publishers on the title-
page to sco how It came out, and even.1
now I can't understand how it wsSv '
Boston Transcript
Red-Headed Onea Are Smart.
Customer You advertise typewrit
ers half-price.
Dealer1 Yes.
Customer Well, I want to hire tt
red-headed one at $4.50 a week Sonw
ervlile Journal.
Baeehall Term.
A Home Run.
Domestic Bliaa.
Husband You are si ways loo King;
for bargains. Was there erer a timo
when yon wasn't a bargain hunter
Wife Yes, dear; when I married
yon.
The Main Trouble.
"Does it bother you mucn," inquired
Mrs. Pllkington, "to keep the chickens
out of the garden?"
"Yes," replied Mrs. Bilklngton, "but
what bothers me most Is keeping the
garden out of the chickens." Phila
delphia Bulletin.
Forever Silenced.
"Docs your husband find any fault
with your cooWng?"
'Certainly not," answered Mr. Meek-
ton's wife. "My husband has the
chafing-dish habit and is not in a posi
tion to find fault with anybody's cook
ing." Washington Star.
An Oversight.
"De world owes us a llvta',"
said
Plodding Tete.
"Yes," answered Meandering Kike,
"but It neglected to make arrange
ments so dat we could clip it off from
day to day like coupons." Washington
Star. v
A Logical Aeaertlon.
"Skimming is one of the people who
don't know the value of a dollar."
"Why, he has millions."
"Yes. But he wears a 50-cent bat
and doesn't realize that one costing
$1.50 is worth the difference." Wash- 1
lngton Star. '
Timely. J
"Mamie declared that she'd nerer
say yes when the minister asked her If
she would obey her husband."
"What did she say?"
"Nobody knows. There was a fright- f
ful crash of thunder Just as she aaidi
It" Cleveland Plain Dealer.
Prejectiles We Cse. J
We have now armor-piercing pro-
jectiles, deck-plerclng projectiles, semi-'
armor-piercing projectiles, common,
forged and oust steel projectiles, cast
iron projectiles, shrapnel, aud so ouj
In endless variety. As the work the;
gun, whether ashore or afloat, will;
have to do can be pretty cler.rly pre
dicted. It would appear as though one.'
or at most two, kinds of project 11 j
were enough. These two would natoi
rally have, the one a high penetrativ
power, and the other a large capacih
for internal charge, giving great di
structlve power when the shell li
burst. No one who has not examine
carefully the efl set of bursting a she"
In a closed space can have an Idea t
its destructlveuess. A small si:
pounder shell, of nliout two and afi
quarter Inches diameter, coutaiuli
three or four ounces of powder, buri
in an ordiiiury room and breakuj
ioto twenty or thirty fragments, wouj
prounuiy uestroy cveryriung m
room.
In a man, that which is called cd
science is largely a four that h uj
be found out
. ' ' '
