WRITTEN IN MIRTH
\ The Last Straw
Femak» Bandit—Here, mister! Hold
the habyX'Khlie I hold you lip!—Sat
urday KvenlnfcxJ‘ost.
\
-
Unkind Thrutt
.Mrs. Bragg—“My dahtfhter's music
cost a lot of money." Mrscfagg—"fn
deed. Did some neighbor auesyou?"
Couldn’t Be Helped
Sportsmun—Your last shot just
inlased my wife a few inches!
The Other—Sorry, old man.
On the Same Order
Judge—Fine for speeding.
Prisoner—So was that paved road,
your honor.
Father Gander
To Wall street, to Wall street to
buy a few stocks. Home again, home
again, minus my socks.—Life.
One of the Rejected
"Are you related to her by mar
riage?” “No, I’m her brother by re
fusal.”—Columbia Jester.
Caught
Rose—“Do you believe in love at
first sight?” Mary—“Where did you
meet him, dear?"
Quife Right
Teacher—Name some product of
which the supply exceeds the demand.
Pupil—Trouble.
Anti-Santa
“What is an atheist?"
“One who does not believe in Santa
Claus."—Texas Ranger.
Enough
Home Economics Teacher—Name
three things which contain starch.
“Two cuffs and a collar.”
Explained
Instructor—Our bodies are made up
of thousands of different cells.
Betty—Oh, l see—a sort of a jail.
--. .
FRANK BRIBERY IN
ENGLISH ELECTIONS
—
Bribery and corruption are no new
things in connection with elections.
The wife of a congressman is soft! to
have boasted that her husband was
honestly elected, as they paid every
man who could be bought $2 for ids
vote. The story has a certain analogy
with the petitioners’ recorded story of
an English election, held In 1842. It
reads: “During the morning of Tues
day, the day of polling, some two hun
dred voters passed upstairs at the
Black Boy, whence each received two
sovereigns, and was told, "You know
where to go for the rest.” They then
went to the hustings, and polled for
the sitting members, and thence to the
committee room at the Swan. After
their voting had been checked, they re
ceived tickets and . . . passed along
the gallery to the window of the bed
room occupied by Mr. Dyce Souche's
servant. The window stood partially
open, and a hand being put out (the
rest of the person remaining con
cealed) delivered to each of the voters
four sovereigns in exchange for his
ticket.—Montreal Family Herald.
Apartment in Log
A hollow fir log, 22 feet long and
8 feet in diameter, mounted on a large
truck, was Introduced to motordom by
Mr. and Mrs. C. F. Cave of Longview,
Wash. They proposed to show East
erners what a real fir splinter from
the Northwest woods looks like. The
interior of the log is divided Into a
combination bedroom and parlor,
kitchenette, breakfast nook, bathroom
with shower and other conveniences,
such as electricity and running water.
Let’s Make It Eaty
Teacher—The trouble is you boys
don't know simple arithmetic. Now,
if I were to give you six rabbits, then
six more, and then multiply by six.
how many would you have? Answer
quickly.
Willie—Let's use pigs. They don't
multiply go fast.—Berkshire World.
Find New Diteate
A new disease has been discovered
by an American physician. Scientifl
• ally it is called "subcostalgla,” but
its popular name is “housewife’s rib."
It was formerly confused with appen
dicitis, neuralgia, pleurisy, etc.
Like Tennyton’t Brook
Mrs. W. H. Crook of Marysville
Cal., has in her possession a clock
which has ticked off the hours for 200
years, with a cessation only when it
was packed and shipped out from the
East 48 years ago.—New York World.
More or Lett Gentle Hint
Head Walter (to business man mak
ing figures on the tablecloth)—“Pardor
me for Interrupting you. sir, but the
management provides adding machine)
free of charge. Shall 1 have on*
wheeled In?"—Life.
Motor Shipt Favored
For the first time In history the ton
nage of motor ships being constructed
throughout the world recently exceeded
that of steamships.
Foxy
Elisabeth—Would it be too naive,
mother, If I believed In Santa Claus
just one more time?—American Le
gion Weekly.
Hit Mietake
She (who has just been UsMd)—
How dare yon?
Ha—My mistake; ru swear there
was a bunch of mistletoe there last
Christmas.—London Punch.
WtdN
Bastus—Det am a savage looking
dorg.
Rufus—Tea, she 111 le savage
lookin' dat dorg am he am plumb
sheered to growl.—Judge.
CONVERSATION NOT
TAKEN FROM LIFE
“Good-morning, Missus Primm. I
trust I have not chosen an unseason
able moment for my delivery this
morning?”
“Not at all, Joseph—not at all. And
please don't bother to wipe your shoes;
the linoleum is easily scrubbed. Step
into the living room and make your
self comfortable for a moment or two
—you must he tired after your matu
tinal exertions. Help yourself to my
Jutsband's cigars, and there is a late
issilp of a magazine on the table."
"Thank you—but I must first de
posit this'Uye In the refrigerator. Busl
i ness before pleasure, you know. To
paraphrase a popular expression. ‘One
j must sell ice while' -Jhe sun shines.’ ”
"Yes, to be sure. AVhat is a small
j piece of ice that size woKh?"
"I’m charging you 70 cent^^or it."
“Really, I don't see how you can be
so reasonable and yet make a living ''
“Frankly, I don’t; this is merely V
| side line. I write movie scenarios for I
1 a living. I am something of an altru- !
1st, however, and get a great deal of I
I satisfaction from the knowledge that |
I am doing my little hit to make this ^
| old world a cooler place to live in. i
That is my only reward. I am not i
; mercenary. I—whoa ! My horses are j
restless. I must be off. Good morn
j ing."
“Good-morning.” — Robert Cyril ;
! O’Brien, in Judge.
Dad’s Warm Welcome
to His Soldier Son
When the call for recruits to bust
the Hindenburg line reached the ears
of folks in Hendy Hollow, a husky lad
was In the field plowing the soil of his
father. The lad in Ills idle moments
between milking and chopping wood
had read much anil filled his head
with the doings of one Cincinnatus, a
Roman farmer of early days who left
i the plow in the furrow at the call of
duty. Here was an appropriate time
to pull off the same stunt that Cin
j did, so he slapped himself on his
manly bosom ami ejaculated in a
j wheezy Yankee dialect: "By gosh,
when duty calls. I must go!"
Well: he went. And he became one
of the very marines that put the veto
to the Dutchman's progress, and when
he returned, covered with glory and
medals, he held out his hand to his
grumpy old pa and asked: "Well, dad,
ain’t you got nothin' to say to me on
my return from the war?"
“Yes, I got a lot to say to you.” re
plied old grump, “and tlmts this: I
told you afore you left for the trendies
to put the plow and drag under the
shed and ye didn't do it, so you go
| right out and do it afore you step foot
I in this house!"—Eugene Zimmerman
j in Cartoons and Movie Magazine.
Qualities of Nitrogen
Nitrogen Is an invisible gas without
odor or taste, which neither burns nor
supports combustion. It forms 70 per_
cent of the atmosphere, diluting the
oxygen, and making normal and com
fortable life possible, says the Scion
tlflc American. It will not easily com
bine with other substances except hy
drogen, magnesium and a few metals,
but though so inert itself, some of its
components are quite the reverse, for
all explosives are compound* of nitro
gen. Nitrogen is fine of ttie chemical
elements; it is non-nietallie. and plays
an important part in the lives of plants
! and animals.
Valuable Catch
Sixty thousand dollars was realized
from a single day's catch of tisti just
off the beach near Cape Charles. Ya..
when 12 refrigerator cars moved to
the markets 1,500 barrels of gray trout
r tiat averaged the fishermen $40 a bar
rel. It was the biggest catch of the
season and possibly in years of any of
the seaside fishermen and came at a
time when the season is about to close,
which will serve to stimulate the tisti
Industries along the coast of the two
eastern shores of Virginia counties,
which have had a comparatively poor
season throughout the year.
Beating Time
A New York newspaper placed a
loud speaker alongside a linotype ma
chine in Its composing room during
the world series games. The com
positor cast ttie type describing the
plays as they came to him over the
radio. In this manner the newspaper
beat its contemporaries on the street
by several minutes with a complete
detailed description of each of the
games.—Collier’s.
Planes Link Cities
I Airplane passenger lines now are
| operated from Vienna, Austria, to
Prague, Paris. Budapest. Constantino
ple and Munich, the last named con
necting with Zurich, Geneva and Ber
! I in services.
—
Natural Power Utilized
A lateral canal from a point near
Basel, Alsace, to one Just below
Kembs, will utilize the natural fall of
the river there so that It will produce
100,000 electric horse power.
Busses Traverse State
Motor vehicles in North Carolina are
proving to be the residents’ chief
means of travel. Passengers can Jour
ney from one end of the state to the
other, by bus, the vehicles making reg
ular schedules on routes between 75
and 100 miles in length.—New York
Herald-Tribune.
A Last Accessory
“We give a bicycle with each car
we sell,” remarked the anto sales
man
“How’s that?” asked the prospec
tive purchaser.
“So yon can park your car In the
■uburbe and ride Into the offl'ce.”—
Life.
So It Seemed,
The Bose—And what have yon been
doing all this time, Mlaa Montgomery?
New Typist—Typing the letter yon
dictated, Mr.
“Really! I thought yon might have
been working It up In embroidery er
something."—Judge.
For Rem
KOOKS
FOR RENT — Rooms, reasonable
with kitchenette. Adults.—WEbster
5188.
ROOMS FOR RENT—Strictly modern.
Rents reasonable. 2433 FTanklin
street 4t-12-26
FOR RENT—Neatly furnished rooms,
2536 Patrick avenue. Two blocks
from car line.
FTJRNISHED ROOM in modem
home one .block from car line. 2875
Wirt St. Web. 4285.
FOR RENT—3 and 4-room modern
apartments, 1547-1551 North 17th S\
References required. Call at 1549
North 17th St. or phone ATlantic
64163.
FOR RENT—Modern furnished room*.
Steam heat. Close in. On two car
lines. Mrs. Anna Banks, 924 North
Twentieth street. Jackson 4379
FOR RENT—Neatly furnished room,
one block from North Twenty
fourth and Dodge car line. WEbster
5652.
FOR RENT—Three-room apartment
and two small rooms In strictly
modern house. 2024 Burt street.
ATlantic 6126.
FOR RENT—Nice furnished rooms.
Strictly modern. Two blocks from
car line. WEbster 5731.—6t-l2-19-24
FOR RENT—Neatly furnished rooms
in private home. Home privileges.
HArney 1263—4t-ll-21.
FOR RENT — Neatly furnished
rooms for single parties or couples.
Rental reasonable. 2102 North Twen
ty-eighth avenue. WEbster 1365.
Mrs. J. McLendon—tf.
FOR RENT—Light housekeeping
rooms. 1 block from car. All mod
em conveniences. 1712 North Twen
ty-fifth street. WEbster 5450.—tf.
FOR RENT — Nicely furnished
rooms in modern home, with or with
out board. 2429 Parker street. WEb
ster 5354. Mrs. Lucy Leveree.—1-16
FOR RENT—Four-room apartment,
telephone, electric light and water
bill paid. 2629 Seward St. Web.
1825. Rent reasonable. 3t-12-12
FOR RENT—Furnished light house
keeping rooms, 2210 North 26th
St. Web. 2097. 4M2-12-24
FOR RF.NT—Two rooms. Strictly
modem. Webster 3069.
FOR SALE—Lloyd baby carriage
in good condition. 'Will sell cheap.
Web. 4769.
FOR SALE—A Harris visible type
; writer for sale cheap. 2528 Blondo
| street. WEbster 2789.
Help Wanted
WANTED—Colored men to qualify
for sleeping car and train porters. Ex
perience unnecessary, transportation
I furnished. Write T. McCaffrey, Supt.,
1 St. Louis, Mo.
Miscellaneous
Use DENTLO for the teeth. Large
| tube 25c.—Adv.
LOOK—Fine Social Stationery. Two
hundred sheets and fifty envelopes
printed with your name and ad
dress. A dollar bill.
Register Press. Hannibal, Mo.
E. F MOREARTY, Attorney
NOTICE OF ADMINISTRATION
In the County Court of Douglas Coun
ty, Nebraska, in the Matter of the
Estate of Marie Lee, Deceased.
All persons interested in said estate
are hereby notified that a petition
has been filed in said Court alleging
that said deceased died leaving no
last will and praying for administra
tion upon her estate, and that a hear
ing will be had on said petition be
fore said court on the 10th day of
January, 1925, and that if they fail
to appear at said Court on the said
10th day of January, 1925, at 9 o’
clock A. M. to contest said petition,
the Court may grant the same and
grant administration of said estate
to Harvey Ray King or some other
suitable person and proceed to a set
tlement thereof.
BRYCE CRAWFORD,
l-2-25-3t. County Judge.
++4 4 <■
(EMERSON’S LAUNDRY {
The Laundry That Suita All A
1301 No. 24th St. Web. 0820 g
1
1
I HILL-WILLIAMS DRUG |
I COMPANY \
A FOUNTAIN PF.NS—STATIONERY £
| CIGARS and CANDY
| Eastman Kodaks and Supplies
2402 Cuming Street
tOHKKMt
5 When You Are In Town 8
;♦ EAT AT §
» PEATS RESTAURANTS j
a If you desire home cooking 8
5 at prices that please, you 3
i get both here. |
$ He is reliable. ^
1 Your patronage always i
■ solicited §
t H. PEAT. Prop. *
| 1405 and 1710 No. 24th St. *
Don’t Fuss With
Mustard Plasters
Musterole, made of pure oil of mus
tard and other helpful ingredients, will
do all the work of the old-fashioned
mustard plaster — without the blister.
Vlusterole usually gives prompt relief
from bronchitis, sore throat, coughs,
colds, croup, neuralgia, headache, con
gestion, rheumatism, sprains, sore mus
cles, bruises, and all aches and pains.
It may prevent pneumonia. All drug
gists—35c and 65c jars and tubes—
hospital size $3.
Better than a mustard plaster
| Buy a Home!
QUIT PAYING RENT!
I have a number of bargains ■
I in homes, 6, 6 and 7 rooms, well ]
located; am able to sell at $250 •
and up; balance monthly like '
rent.
Here Are Some Bargains:
5 rooms, modern, paved street, ]
near car line, $2,850; $250 .
cash; balance $27.50 per mo. ]
6 rooms, modem, garage for .
two cars, south front, paved ;
street, $3,750; $300 cash, bal- ;
ance $30 per month.
E. M. DAVIS
REAL ESTATE
We. 6178 302.7 Pinkney St. !
j
ill'i
Telephone Atlantic 2524
HEADACHES
caused by Indigestion, colds, grippe.
| fatigue or periodic exhaustion Him- 1
ply vanish. Too brace right up with
They bring Instant relief, stomach
settles, nerves relax, entire system
| responds. Perfect medicine for men
I or women, prevents nearly all slck
| ness. 10c. All druggists. Millions <
g u«ed yearly. They never fail. For
mula on every pkg. For a free trial ||
write The Orangelne Chemical C*o.,
^^J^WJJuron^S^CJiicaio^lllJ
THE MONITOR WILL GROW IF
YOU WILL DO YOUR SHARE
YOUR DRUG STORE ' \
THULL PHARMACY !
PRESCRIPTIONS
PROMPTLY FILLED jj
Phase WEbater 5878 24th end Seward Streets
♦....
i
!
''P’HOROUGHLY worthy used furni
ture of every description is offered
for sale at very reasonable prices in
our warehouse, between the hours of
1 p. m. and 5 o. m. week days. 8th
and Capitol Ave.—Orchard A Wilhelm i
Co.
---|
Bonds Furnished to Reliable Persons
NOTARY PUBLIC IN OFFICE
PHONES:
Res. Web. 6613; Office, Market 5354
Res. 2863 Blnney St.
NOAH W. WARE
ATTORNEY and COUNSELOR
AT LAW
HOURS: 9 A. M. to 12:00 Noon; 1:3(
P. M. to 6:30 P. M.
*731 Q Street So. Side
4
1
1
' RA1LK3
BARNHART
PRINTING CO,
To Avoid Pyorrhea
Use
DENTLO
PYORRHEA PREVENTIVE TOOTH PASTE
25c—2 oz. Tube
r
Manufactured by J
Kaffir Chemical Laboratories
(A Race Enterprise) (
OMAHA, NEBRASKA
* i
ASK FOR IT AT DRUG STORES
TAKE NO SUBSTITUTE
— .— A
< *
::
Prescriptions |
A GRADUATE REGISTERED PHARMACIST \\
!'*
Is in charge of our Prescription Department at all times. <•
Your safety is guaranteed when you leave your £
prescriptions at our store. ?
*r
. Peoples Drug Store
* ► i
24th and Erskine Streets WEbster 6323
llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllfllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllH
Do You Take a Race Paper? |
Subscribe Now for I
( The Monitor \
I $2.00 a Year g
I 1 *
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IF YOU LIVE IN OMAHA (/