THK HKK: OMAHA, MONDAY. .TANTARY S. l:MJ.
JJecg jne yaga z i rp f)ajfe
1'
HARRY'S WEDDING BALKED AGAIN
Copt -right, I 'll, N ut. n-il p .oelitl n
s ... T R sut'! sutte'
iait hat h-arav vwa. to tc : TL tEE- r - .. Twes ERt torn
P& H Sr.WJKXS'J i?iSfl (STJ ?Rgy i&EM
v'r, giNggggv. opr. S, s--rr. ? i vt &3E& i-,
By "Bud" Fisher
A,M FAU-IMO
:::t4-.
J ' 1 "
1
Wf ,'hH
! lb;;
Dinkelspiel on Dinners
Uy tiKOIJGK V. UOBAUT.
Und I set to SplcKel: "You know. Mux,
I vas going to Invitation you und Mrs.
Svilogel around to dr, Iiouso to hnf
tlrtstmas dlnnfr riilt us, l)Ut I frit dot
tier friendship of years miglit be lnter
ruptlonod because ve haf a new und un
rerta:n conk in dcr kitchen dlt you get
me. Max?"'
"Sure," set Spiegel.
Tnd I set to Spiegel: "Ier name of der
new cook vas Olfta. She vas half Svede
und der. rest pf Jver vas deaf. Ven she
came, to our house tny vlfo asked for her
Terommendationlog. Olga set dot her
face ;va her only reeommendallonment,
but ahe va ould late der night before und
broke her recomtnendatlonment yust
above her chin.. Anyway, my "vlfe en
gaged Olga, because, you know, Max, vot
Is der. goot pf a. hearty appetite ven der
kitchen vas empty."
VSure,", set Spiegel. .
I'nd I set to Spiegel: "Ve. have invlta
tloned Frtta und Mrs. Peerhaben und
drir loedle daughter, Cutey; Oscar Pickle-
sauer'and his latest vlfe; Mr. und Mrs.
Blnglebnuer under deir niece, Cassanova,
Mr. und Mrs. OoowdlppiT, vich Is wlslt
ing hei-e fim Michigan as long aa detr
relatives hold ould, und also Helney
Hchmala, der floorvalker In Kalaer'a dell
catepsen store on Slxt" afenue. I doan'il
vlsh to ffet' personal. Mar. but you know
It in 'der heart dot any vun of dose men
tioned con make a, fool ould of a home
made dinner, and't it?"
"Sure," sot Sptegl.
fnd I set to- plegel: "Veil, anyhow,
my vife vaa sa. worried aboiild der new
c ok dot before dor dinner time arrived
she hat an attackt of nervous postpone
ment, nd ehe vaa vaJklng around der
house mlt her fingers crossed und mur
muring leedle prayers to herself because
she vaa afraid dot Olsa vould send a
1'otato salad from dar kitchen und be
fore it reached der taiilo It vould become
a chop suey. Veil, enyvay, Max, der
guests arrived demsetfs promptfully, und
I could see from delr faces dut dey would
fight dot dinner to a finish. You know,
Mux, It aln'd no sign of a ehentlemans to
invitation peoples to a Ciirlstmas dinner
und den speak bltterfully abould dem
after dey go, but ven dare comes to der
kitchen a wlsltatlon like Olga der milk
of human kindness becomes condensed
und sour, und va lose our prospectus."
"Sure," set Spleriel.
I nd I set to Spiegel: "Vel, der laides
began to chat pleasantly vile dey sired
up our furniture ould of der corner of
delr eye, und der men glanced care
lessly around to see dlt I haf a box of
seegars vich vould .require attention after
dinner. Pretty soon der dinner vas an
nounced und eferybody chumpetV to delr
feet like dey hat stepped on der third
rail. I belief In being thrifty, but der
vay some of doso peoples Baved up deir'
hunger for our dinner vaa too penurious
for me. Der fairst round vas oyster
cocktails, und eferbody drew cards. Pis
vas Olgan's first attempt to make oyster
cocktail und she hat orlrhlual Ideas
aboud dem vich contested bf salad oil
instead if tomato ketchup. Der salad oil
came from Italy, so der oysters vas eggs
tremely foreign to der taste. After eat
ing der cocktail Mrs. Beerhaben inkvlred
politely If ve raised our own oystexs, but
yust den leedle Cutey upset a glass of
vater und ve hat to change der subject
und part of der tablecloth. Der next
round vaa mock turtle soup, und nobody
unter der blue canopy of heafen vlll efe
know vare Olga found der mock. I t'ink
I may haf surprised her secret because
later ven I rent to put on my rubber
hoots vun of dem vas missing. Hlmmel!
der Idea to half a cook In dese modern
days vot dan'd know vot a mock Is!
Aln'd such a discouragement?"
"Sure"' set Spiegel.
Vnd I sed to Spiegel: Veil, any vay,
den ve came to der Christmas turkey, und
din vas vare Olga, vun der blue ribbon.
My vlfe ' hat , tolt Olga to stuff tt mlt
chestnuts, but Olga t'ough dot chestnuts
vaa an olt choke, ao she stuffed It mlt
peanut brittle. Olga hat noticed some
udder dings around der kitchen vich
looked lonesome, so she put dem la der
turkey, vun of vich vas der corkscrew.
Ven I vent to carve der turkey der fairst
ding I struck vas a horseshoe rich Olga
hat put In for luck. i made my vlfe
eggstremely nerfous to see der can
opener, a pair of scissors und nine
clothespins come ould of dot turkey, but
Mrs. Heerhaben set dot delr last cook
tried to stuff delr last turkey mlt der
garden hose, so my vlfe felt better. Der
next round vas some salad vich Olga hat
dressed In der kitchen, but her dress vas
such a bad fit dot nobody vould speak
to It. Den ve hat some home-made Ice
cream for desert. Der ice vas very goot,
but Olga forgot to add der cream, so It
tasted rather Insipid. Anyway, der din
ner came to a finish mltould anybody
fainting, und der guests vent home, a
leedle hungry, but unpnlsoned. Der next
morning my vife spoke bitterly to Olga
und she left us, followed by der Christ
mas prayers of all dose present. Der
only dings abould der house dot luffed
Olga vas a pair of earrings belonging to
my vlfe, und dey vent mlt her.. So, you
seo It, Max, mehbe it is yust as veil 1
doan'd csk you to dinner, because efen
der friendship of a lifetime aln'd proof
against a brass key-ring in der stomach,
vich Hes dare restlessly for vecks und
veks, mebbe!"
"Sure!" set Spiegel.
D. DINKKI-SPIEU
Ter George V. Hohart.
Make All the Noise You Like
Fy Tad
Little Bobbie's Pa
j
By WILLIAM F. KIRK.
Wife. Bed Ta to Ma wen he calm in
lant nlte, here is a card for you, wlch
I cant malk out. Who is tho Shakepeer
Sisters? sed I'd. Doan't you beelong to
enuff of them fool societies already?
I wIhIi you wud pick, yure langwidge
a lltt'.e moar careful, sed Ma, the Shakes
per Sisters is anything but a fool society.
Tliay are a let of great & poable women
wlch is dulni; thaie best to show that
that wonderful baoh the bard of Avon
beelongs In a cIukh by hlsself. All I ask
you to do, :vd Ma, Is to hlay here until
o'clock thU eevnlng & then you will see
the kinds o minds with wlch 1 cum In
dally contuijk.
Well, K'd Pa. to tell you the truth, I
was going ts be In a turnament at the
bilaid par'ur tonlte, but Jest to show you
that 1 am gjuim 1 will hung around hero
ins-.ed. Kvtn littel Hobble will show that
he Is a chi utt the old block. You will
Mk'k too, l ml you. Hobble, sed l'a.
I was thinJUrig I wud rather go out &
play inarbel I tuald Pa, but If you want
to fctay it om, my place Is at yure side.
Thar you go, sed Ma to me, you are
Jet like yure father, he wants to play
Itllyards 4k. you want to play marbels.
Neether of you wants to see these butl
ful & lerned wlmmen wen they cum here
to talk aboin wundrful thing wlch he
rote. Thay was going to talk about
Othello, Ma ed, Othello the Moor.
You meeu the fellow that clinked tils
wife with a pillow? sud Pa.
Yes, aed . Bla. tho brute.
Now 1 am sure I will stay, d l'a.
A: Jest thu the ladles calm In, the
.-hakepeer f inters. Moast of them a
kind of old maidy, there was tin of them
& only (1) of them was fat & nhe wan
married.
Thar waa a awful tall & : m furl
thare, her nalm waa Miss liludao. Ma
Vaaser In the old days. She wss the
toaxtmaster the mlnlt she got In her
seet at the lied of the tabel she sed
Ladles, ets., we are lieer to dlxcuss the
grateat gaenyus that waa ewer on the
face of the earth. I refer to William
Shakespeer. Now, ladles, etc., sed MIm
Bludso, we are confronted with one ques
tun: Was Hamlet Inxane?
Sure he was a bug, sed Pa.
Pardon me, sed Mias Kludso, what did
you tay he was?
I said Hamlet was a nut, sed Pa, meen
Ing that he was balmy in the bean. Any
body that ever heard his ravings of John
McCullogh to the Gladiators in the grate
chariot race scene wud know that, sed
pu. Of course he win crasy, sed Pa. lie
should have been locked up long before
ihay took the step.
Thare is a lot of peepul outside the In
side, sed Miss ilii'iso. that ought to be
inside out of the outside. Now, sisters,
we will talk up the subject of the eevln
itig, was Othello out of his mind wen he
put a pllinw oaver hi wife's face? What
do you think, sir, she asked pa.
Well, sed Pa, kind of caroful, maybe
fche was talking too much at the time.
1 don't think he meant no real harm.
Dut the woman pcriuhtd, aid Mihv
Minds". Now, sisters. I Mis '" mi
we will ai!i lift up n sparking fclaxs of
could water tt drtnk to t..u ku.. .........
peer, the only man that tvvcr had the
currage to show up Man in IiIh true culuis.
Wont you drink thai toast with u?
ahe asked Pa.
No thank you, sed Pa, 1 altit thlifty.
tan ltau l'm BUI.
"I hear your sun at colli ge dlplajs
much ability in his sports."
"He doeH, and the bent proof of It Is
tltA tt'AV li fun rim im u ttl 1 1 ' lluUI
oald Fa that h was a gradooate of j America i
AmO AJ TH6S Jav I f HSrANi Any A 5MCG
MS VWA VNAknN Auoeo STATS Sr
And HCvVAS (n a HcKftV. OmH Pun
tried to vor tm Bae on wm fk
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veu. AJero Tr. srn.An frcp
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whaw. i 6erPM 3a m
down to me m ARicer ano
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NOTH'r'
TD DO TJtU
Sherlocko the Monk
The Strange Case of the Shoeless Horse.
IJjr CIS MAtiKIt.
Copyright, 1911, National News Assn.
Mt BARM HA
BEEN BRnk-ru
INTO-COMe QUIC
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S'jr- I tf ( PA DOOK AND NOT .
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i
T,r:S fiATAE- OP
t I i i 1 1 i I i i.i . I'TTn
THE TWENTYGREATEST
Three Notable Enfliahmen Fraderio Harrison, TJr. Alfred Kusscl
Wallace and Israel Zanjwill In,prove on Andrew Carnegie's
List and Send Their Own Selection of Greatest Men.
Vj T. hti:.i.
11NDON. Jan. O.-The IlKt of the
twenty greatest men, which Tha Amer
ican published us Mr. Andrew farnegle'a
selection from all those who havo lived
on thla planet, has provoked a very keen
and Interesting dlMcusalon on this Hide of
the Atlantic. To begin with, no two per
sons agree aa to what Is tha real test of
greatness. Every man has hla own list
of those whom he regards as supremely
worthy of reverence, and the compiling
of such a list affords an index to the
character of the compiler which Is prolm
bly as illuminating a any that can be
devised.
On this subject there Is no greater au
thority than Mr. Frederic. Harrison, ths
octogenarian, man of many letters, who
has devoted himself for yours to the
study of those who nro most worthy In
history.
Mr. Harrison sent the following list of
his twenty greatest men with a personal
statement as to why lie rejected aome
and accepted others:
MO8K8 Early theocratlo civilisation.
HOMER Ancient poetry.
' ' ARISTOTI.1K A nclent philosophy.
i.ARCHIMEIKS-Anclent science.
'jri,tt:8 CAKRAR-Tho Rom," nip I re.
ST. PAI'l-Apoatle of Christianity.
CII A ill jEM AON 13 Founder of Euro
pean state.
rANTE Fnthrr of modern poetry.
GL'TENRKRO Inventor of printing.
rOM'MUl'B Discoverer of America.
WIM,IAM THE BIUEJ-IT Founder of
Holland.
HHAKESPEARE Greatest of modern
poets.
RICHEI.JEL' Founder of modern
France.
NEWTON Founder of modern astron
omy. FltANiiLJN-Dlsroverer of electric
forces.
FREDERICK THE GREAT Founder
of Prussian Btnte.
WATT Inventor of steam machines.
WABHINOTON.
COMTK Founder of the Positive Philos
ophy. DARWIN Author of "Origin of
Species. " i
In the letter accompanying this list Mr.
I Unison says: "We must start with
Moses, Homer, Aristotle and Archlinodea
I. the ohvlous types of early priestly
civilization, ancient poetry, ancient phil
osophy, science, logic and sociology,
ancient geometry and mochanlos.
"The effect of these fo ir founders'
teachings lives und works still. Tho most
creative spirit of the ancient world, the
founder of the mighty empire of Rome,
out of which all medieval civilisation
rose, wss Julius Caesar, and ro Charles
the Gnat was the primeval founder of
modern Europe.
"As Jesus Christ Is obviously hors con
coiirs, St. Paul Is the true founder of
UirlFtlHnlty as a doctrine. And as truly
I'auto Is the foumler of European liter
ii lure. Why Mr. Carnegie In no ma the
(hiKpel ami br.'ftrs Hums to Dante and
und Milton we cannot understand. The
next two name Gutenberg and Sbakes
peaie are In his list, and, of course, In
everybody else's list.
"Columbus must stand for the liepln.
liln of the vast American new world.
W illiam the Hllent, Richelieu and Fred
erick the Great represent the creators of
three nations. Cromwell was a great a
man, but he was a revolutionist, rr.tlier
than a found. -r, mill 1 will not Inert our
own hero,
"Newton will be everywhere accepted
La the type of all modern physical sci
ence, -ind Franklin Is, perhaps, the earli
est and best know.t name In the enormous
lunge of electrical Invention.
"With more than one-seventh of our
twenty names already devoted to modern
mechanical Inventions, I am not prepared
to folio wour inultl-nilllionaire -Iron lord
!n adding more Inventors."
The xreeteHt man f science Is Dr. Al
lied RusHcll WalU'e, who almost tied
a. tl'. Darwin in the discovery of the
rreal principle whlili lias been the lil
Mratlon of uioile.ru science.
lie noes not enter into the subject at
the same length aa Frederick Harrison,
out he msaes the very practical sugges
tion tliHt tu compiling Hots of great men
(hey tihould ti" uriunaed in Chronological
order, if this is done It will bo tound
I hat eleven out of Mr. Carnegie's list
..f twenty grialr.it men were Do in in the
eighteenth century and none was born
otivie lue tltteuiilli.
VSailacM a)s; "iir. Caruegle'a Uat
, of the twenty greatest men Is the inofcl
, preposterous 1 have .er seen! I can only
retain one of them -namely, rhakepeare.
I dare say I rhould alter mine a good deal
If I had morn time-to give to it. I take
'greatness' to apply to character mere
than to any one or more striking or use
ful dlKcoverles which have often been
mado by very small and what a Yankee
might call-a 'one-horso' man. The great
difficulty Is that around any one su
premely great man there la a cluster of
others almost an great, who might almost
monopollie the whole twenty, as In the
case of Kooratea and Michael Angeln.
"I think my list fairly shows the differ
ent fypea of greatness, Scott. Dickens
and R. Owen will he most objected to,
but I could give very true reasons for In-
eluding each of them. I think Jennfcr in
Mr. Carnegie's list la perhaps the very
smallest of overestimated men."
Homer,. Newton,
P-udrihn. Swedcnhnrg,
Pericles, Washington,
Phidias. Walter Scott, ;
Hot-rate. Robert Owen,
Alexander tho Great, Faraday,
Archimedes. Darwin,
Alfred the Great, Charles Dickens.
Michael Angeln, . Tolstoi.
Hhakespeare,
Mr. Israel ZangwIU found himself la
agreement with Mr. Carnegie In only two
names Khakespears and Lincoln. Mr.
Zangwlll says: "No doubt hla inventors
have had great Influence on civilisation,
but to have a great influence is not tha
same thing aa to be a great man. In
deed, I should not put Mr. Carnegie him
self with his work of peace and literature
before quite a number of his twenty."
Moses,
Homer,
Confucius,
Ituildha,
Julius Caesar,
Jesua of Nasareth,
Hoc rates,
Mahomet,
Dante,
Michael Angelo,
Phakeepeare,
Velasquez,
Voltaire,
Washington,
Goethe,
Napoleon.
Hacthovsii,
Emerson,
Lincoln,
Urownlng.
Judicial Somersault
Rroadway hoard with some surprise
that H. A. Du Houchet, the author of Ths
Man From Mexico, Is a candidate for Jus
tine of the peace in the 'hamlet In which
he pays taxes in New Jersey. Why- hs
should want to be a Jersey Justice ha
ths big street guessing. Tho obverse of
the proposition Is the wonder why Jersey
should want him to bo a Justice. "Awsy
back In 1H78." said one of the old-timers,
"Du Houchet was a Justice of the peace
down on the New Mexico line. In those
days tarantulas and Indians were the
chief native products .of that region.
Residents wore their guns handy, and
train robbery was considered a profitabla
and not discreditable form of speculation.
One day the Chlco Kid being very drunk.
Insisted on being arrested. The marshal
didn't want to arrest Mr, Kid, but th
latter Insisted.
" 'I wanna plead guilty to drunkenness
und dlsturbln' thuh peace,' said the Kid
to Justice Du houchet.
" 'I will have to fine ' began TJu
Bouchet.
" 'What.' howled the Kid. 'Fine me?
Why, you pin-eared, yaller-llvered, plgbn
toed old maverick, there ain't enough jus
tices In New Mexico tt make me pay
a fine. I 1
"Hut Justice Du Houchet Interrupted
him urbanely.
" 'I was about to say," said he, 'that I
will have to find time to get real well
acquainted with you, Mr Kid. In the
meantime, suppore v.o i:o and have a
drink.' "Cincinnati T'.iuea-Star.
r
The Tip
J
RY TERCY BHAW.
(Tho Yt'ultirV union wants to abolish
tips)
I've heurd of heroes who dashed in
Where flame und smoke meant death;
I've read of martyrs who defied
Their foes with dying brvutlt;
I've seen a woman, with a lgh,
put ntf a shopping trip, 1
Bot whoever fcaw a waiter
lufui-o to take a tip?
What U the psychologic power
That's brtd within your bone.
Whereby they place you at a glanea
And let you fume alone?
How do they know you gave a dims '
When Jenkins gives a half?
Why does he get their soothing cars
And you theUf client laugh?
Thev say that happy days wm com
When we ran calmly faee
These kings of dietary peace .
With smiles of tlpleaa grate.
When they with ChrMerflcMlau bow
Will laugh at all our quips,
Will accept our kindest wishes, ' I
Hut scorn to take our tips. "