rrrc bee: omaiia... satcrdat.' jtse . s. . wit
gee
- nn
8e
If"
Serious History in Comic Vein
"I see," snld Show-Me timlth. the morn
or less eminent historian from the wise
state, "that Skipper Hob Fulton Is Lack."
"Who," I asked, wondering what was
coming now.
'Skipper Dob Fulton." he repeated,
calmly, "I've Just seen his boat tied up,
away up town. They call It the Clermont,
and they say its a steamboat, but It looks
more, to me like a canal boat dressed up
than anything else. However, that's prob
ably because Pklpper Hob's been gone so
long. It's been unite a voyun. Hut he
came back all right, and that's more than
most of them do nowadays.
"Aa soon as I saw her I went aboard
nd knocked on the smoke-house door.
" "Where's Fulton?' I nays to a man who
poked his head out.
"He looks nie over n minute and says.
'You'lJ either find him taking tickets down
at the Ferry or catching fish down at the
Market. If you don't find him there, ask
Bweoney.'
"Neither Fulton nor Sweeney was around
either place. I suppose Skipper Fulton
owns both places and Sweeney manages
them for him. Must have quite an Income
from thn. I'll bet Sweeney gets his
share.
"It was after discovering Brooklyn, I be
lieve, that Skipper Fulton invented the
Clermont. Probably the quickest way he
could think of to get out. Ha got his idea
from the famous invention known as the
aide-wheeled Brooklyn baby carriage.
"Wandering through the Fulton street
shopping district over there one dnyi he
saw a lusty-lunged Infant yelling at the
top of Its voice and trying to wheel Its
perambulator Into a store by grabbing the
IKkes and pushing.
." 'Ha, ha'.' said Robert, 'the Brooklyn
peram gives me an Idea, I'll bet I can
make a slde-wheeler go without using
half that much steaVn. .Labboard there,
Who's Who
"I'm going to play ball tomorrow!" the
Confirmed Commuter announced exult
antly. "Do you know where my cap and
my fishing clothes are?" he asked.
"Oh, yes, I'll get them out for you,"
she remarked obligingly, and then her
darkly prophetic soul compelled her to udd,
"and I'll walk down to the drug stoi - to
morrow and lay in a supply of arnica and
bandages."
"What for?" snapped the Confirmed
Commuter.
"You won't need to ask me that to
morrow," eha bland,ly replied. "You'll
know."
But it was evident that .whatever grim
posslblltles the future held, the Confirmed,
Commuter faced them with delight. He
ww never more happy than when starting
on one of these little excursions. He waa
so happy, indeed, that he got up without
a murmur, . and at a moot, ungodly hour,
to catch a train to the ball grounds, mora
than two hours distant. But what la time
or space to the sporting spirit? .'. . ..
His wife, who waa president, secretary
and all the membership of the. Society
Opposed to Early Hieing, went back to her
bed and slept peacefully for four hour.. .
It was nearly 6 o'clock when the joyous
bark of Woof-Woof, her angel collie, pro
claimed that someone. he knew was ap
proaching, ' and, looking across the lawn,
he perceived the Confirmed Commuter,
his step as old and hesitant aa Enoch
Ardeu's, hobbling slowly toward his home.
She saw that one hand waa bandaged,
while his face, burned a lobster red, had
already begun to peel. Even to the eye of
love, he waa neither romantic nor a pleas
ing object.
"Got any arnica?" he called In ardent
greeting.
"Yes," his wife replied. "There's every
thing ydu can think of In the house
arnica, cholorform liniment, witch hazel
enough to start a drug store."
"ArnMa'll do," grunted the Confirmed
Commuter ungraciously, ' and, leaning
heavily on his wife's arm, he limped Into
the house.
When ,hls sprained thumb had been
bathed and rebanduged and he had sunk
(with many groans and wrlthlngs into the
big reclining chair In the library, he told
the story of the day's woes. Yes, his team
had lost all on -account of that doubled
distllled Idiot Crowe, who Insisted on pitch
ing. Some of the men had played bril
liantly almost like professionals. Hooper
had distinguished himself by rapping out
a homer with the bases full and later by
( One of the Bachelors Has His Say J
Editor The Bee's Home Magazine Page:
A few days ago I read Clementina Wall
flower's remarks under the head, "Borne
Pertinent Whys." 1 have been looking for
you to publish the answer. But it must
be a very busy time with the editor and
since he hasn't the time to attend to It. I
beg to submit the following remarks, hop
ing that they will be of some small bene
fit to Mistress Wallflower.
I was particularly Impressed with her
longing Query "Why Is a bachelor?" Per
haps by answering some of her questions
I may help her to solve the riddle. She
asks, "Is he a hard man to satisfy ?" Tuke
it from me, Clementina, he is not. It he
were, a very few years of life In furnished
rooms and boarding houses would suffice
SOLEMN TRUTH
fF
"Ifi wonderful what a chang
oew clothes make in man!"
'Its wonderful what littk XXkj
tear
1 V
,7
P.'jw IV. f
TO
Skipper Kul ton
and the Clermont.
WHBiUS FL'ITON GOT HIS IDEA.
son. lalboard. or you'll have your crnft In
the gutter.'
"So taking Brooklyn's chief Industry- as
a model, Fulton rigged up this craft that
looks like a scow embellished with a couple
of woodsheds and decorated with a pair
of mill wheels. It was to be both a day
and a night line about four days and
nights to the run.
" 'We'll paddle up to Albany and see Tim
Sullivan,' said Fulton, and maybe Tlm'll
charter the Clermont for his next
chowder.'
" 'Bet the Clermont don't get above
Grant's Tomb,' was the odds laid by the
folks that didn't take any stock In the
bpat.
"Which was the foolish bet," concluded
Show-Me, "for I was up town day before
yesterday and It was two blocks above the
tomb then."
(Copyright, 1911, by the N. T. Herald Co.)
in the Home
i&ad.u ns.r r"
"GOT ANY ARNICA?, HE CALLED."
licking the umpire; Simon and his office
pal, Simmons, had both tried to catch the
same dinky -fly, and after- they had got
through stepping on each other's feet the
batter was on second base.
'And then what chance had we with, a
fathead like Thomas at short? Willie and
Louis, the office boys, who filled In, had us
all beaten although I put up a pretty
good game myself."
His wife listened In smiling silence.
"But you had an awfully . good time.
didn't you?" she gurgled enthusiastically.
"Did 1? I did-not!" the Confirmed Com
muter answered between groans. "I feel
as If I'd been working without food or
sleep for a week, and I'm so lame and stiff
and sore that It will be days before I feel
like myself again. I guess I'm .getting too
old to play base ball," he added dejectedly.
"I feel like an old man." '."'.'
"It's not age," his wife answered, "It's
unused muscles. Why, when you came
across the lawn just now I thought how
like a college boy you looked!"
The Confirmed Commuer smiled pleas
antly and the look of anguish left his face.
He did not groan any more. Already he
felt on the road to recovery.
For arnica, chloroform liniment, witch
hazel, etc.. . all have their soothing uses
but a flattery plaster Is the greatest rem
edy of all.
(Copyright. 1811, by the N. Y. Herald Co.).
to send him to the state asylum, under
guard.
"Why will be Insist on struggling with
things that a woman can do ever so much
better?" .
He doesn't InsUt. Circumstances may in
sist that he struggle, and he may yield to
superior force, and struggle his best; but
meantime his soul cries out to high heaven,
even while hp so carefully cultivates that
conceited smirk by which he is known.
"Ur isn't it Just the Inherent notion
that he must look his beat when saving
woman I a tout T"
Uy no means. He knows that. If he looks
a trifle alouchy, "saving woman" will re
member every detail of his appearance and
will tell her sister and her brother-in-law
and all the neighbors and. wonder how a
man con be so trlflmg and disreputable,
and why don't his relatives Insist on bis
being presentable, etc., etc, for sixteen
chapters. He ought to be arrested. No
Clementina, you are on the wrong track.
A bachelor la, because he Is forced to be.
Because he doesn't make the dough her
father makes.
Because he wants a wife with something
in her head besides her own good looks
and the popular plays.
Because he wants a wife that can pass
in a crowd without exciting comment.
Because he wants a wife whose intelli
gence be can respect.
Besides this, he wants a wife that he ran
love and kiss without shutting his eyes.
Do you still wonder "Why is a bachelor?"
Omaha, May 31, 1911. OXBOFT11EM.
vxr. .
Bearing? Pa.
"Fa, did you use to crawl under the cir
cus tent when you were a boy?"
"Sure! I never paid a cent."
"How many times did you do It?"
"Twenty time, at least"
"There was a man here this afternoon
who said that he was the proprietor of an
old-time show, and that he had heard of
you and as. around trying to collect, with
Interest."
1!TTIEM0N TO WE WEffi END
m
Paaslaar to Btrome a Prince.
I. Sam. ;27 "Ftand thou still first."
"Hear the word of God. '
I. Sum. 10:00 "Is It not that Jehovah
hath anointed thee to be prince?"
It was a rare day In Saul's life when
he paused to hear the word of God and
be anointed prince of Israel. Hare, because
of a peculiar Intimacy with the supernat
ural, and a consequent revelation of duty
and glory hitherto undreamed of. It Is
always so. The glory of Christianity lies
in the opportunity It grants all men to
have so rare an experience; Its pathos. In
the neglect of men to have It.
I'auHlng was a pre-condition to Saul's
elevation to prlncehood. We do little paus
ing nowadays. No time for that. We are
too busy pursuing our pursuits. Rush and
bustle are the order of the day. After the
wearying exactions of work-a-day life, we
pay strenuous -court to Dame Pleasure,
whom Milton called "The reeling Goddess
with a soulless waist." Herein lies our
peril. It breeds a fatal Inattention to, and
inconslderatlon of, the dtep things of God.
Inconskleratlon was a much lamented sin
of Israel centuries ago. It finds striking
modern echo. Blessed is the man who
pauses amid humdrum tasks and con
templates God. himself, and His spiritual
state before Him, for He makes a mighty
stride heavenward. Moments of contem
plation are God Inviting
The full words of God are full of hope
and promise. They tell of yet greater
things to be. "The Lord spake," Is an oft
Loretta's Looking
You are ashamed of the home town.
You always answer a question about where
you were born by a bald prevarication.
Y6u calmly assert that you are counted In
the census of a small city some twenty
miles from the village where you actually
entered mundane affairs.
ft's because the village Is so little. The
grass grows In the main street. You hate
to be asked If . "It Is on the map." You
feel as If you took a sort of toboggan'
slide in the estimation of those who hear
your' confesslbn of such a humble birth-.
place. A h.-yaedy feeling crawls over you
as you acknowledge yourself a resident of
a, town where the cow pastures and the
court house . nestle close together. Tou
feel cheap and small.
And you are. You are cheap and small.
Your nature Is .one of the narrow-gauge
kind that cannot carry a broad idea.,'
; But why be hateful to the girl from the
hometown?
Oh! her hat Is tacky. Her dress Is out
of style. She walks as If she still felt the
clods under her feet.
And you have s'naken the dust of those
clods off yours. You do not want to be
reminded of the. town. You have been
away to school, where ysu pretended that
your real home In the village was "a
country place" meant exclusively for week
ending. And, while you were abroad, you
registered as coming from New ' York.
When A mart
HB4.LO John, my ncifil
lost The, TICKET So
Tla. have. TO ask vou
"TO LOOK up MY LAUNDBV
"KnMOUT IT.,
NCW Look A HtnE
MY (sOOD MAM. 'r i r.Ar
arr-THATs-uiET
VOU PINK tYlD ) fio TtCC
.. SM,
J. F. Franklin Haas, Pastor Diets
Memorial Methodist Episcopal Church.
repeated Old Testament phrase, fraught
with meaning for this busy generation.
His voice Is to the sons of men. The In
dividual Is not lost in the multitude. lie
wishes to speak to thee, it does not nec
essarily mean an actual voice. Knocking at
the door of the outer ear, . God expresses
Himself In diverse ways., Memory, con
science, providence, revelation and nalure,
all of these, speed sounds "Intelligible of
that eternal language, which God utters"
Glass - Reflects Girl Who
What a lot of trouble you take to escape
the- little town that would . be cordially
asliamed of you if .lt but knew.
But, there is the girl from home still.
She saw you coming along the great, busy,
stranger-filled street. Her heart bounded
at .sight of you. She was so lonely In the
city. . ' ':: ..''. '".'
And what did you do? What would any
girl do who had given so much time and
energy o lying herself out of her birth
place? -There" Is one clear marked course
open for. such despicable, disloyal individ
uals!' Ybtt took if.'' You simply did not see;
her.! . '
How you have perfected the, art of un
consciousness when someone you do not
want to' see is right under your very nose I
With a complete absorption1 in the ambient
air as if you watched a day dream drifting
by, you' passed that girl from the home
town. '.. '
A prairie dog sliding Into his hole on one'
of. the broad plains of your native stater
never took such a tumble or dwindled suj
completely out of tight as you did in that
girl's estimation. She was lonely and she
thrilled at the thought of exchanging con
fidences about the precious home town.
Now, she would rather trust to strangers
for a bit of comfort than to appeal to the
thing you call a heart. You hurt her
pride. You hurt her out-reaching heart.
But you cannot hurt her loyalty. Shi
i Say the. wife Lost
MY TICKE.TV
me. Shirt ! stE
no ticket',
Gotta have 5hk?t! (7)
BLOTF ME EYE!
its a boot -time
Somebody showed
UP "THIS OiiMESt.
BoOKKfCPINsfr SYSTEM
think: of it
no Smikt.
no ticket:
No-ncwrTT
no shibtt
BAH
'113
from day to day. God will be heard. Abuse or
Ignore the woos and whispers of the Divine
Lover, and thundering of Slnal will cer
tainly follow. The prophet learned his
speech as a rhlld does, by listening. Grace
romMh by the open ear and heart. Blessed
Is the pinn who listens, and snswers:
"Speak Lord, for thy servant heareth." for
he shall be elevated to princely dignity and
position.
Among Saul's qualifications to the
princely office, was his "goodly stature,"
he being "higher than any of the people
from his shoulders and upward." Princely
men are God Illumined and God Inspired
nun. They, too, tower above their fellows,
but In moral prowess and spiritual stature.
The genius of religion is the creation of
princely men. It takes the Interests, de
sires, affections, ambitions, aims and con
secrations of a weak man, ami by a pro
cess of regeneration, makes him new and
biave, loving and sacrificial. Such men
the world needs today. The whole "earth
doih not yet shine with the glory of the
Iord." Philistines are still abroad in the
land. Those, with common walks of life !
must be brought to the feet of the rf.-ien
and reigning Jesus. To accomplish this j
result we lo not need the "laughing lions"
of Wletiche, nor "Samsons and Mllos" of
Bernard Shaw, but we do need a big supply
of weak men made strong by the spirit
of the living Christ. This Is the only hope
of society and the individual. The oppor
tunity Is today. The price Is the pauae;
the attentive ear; the obedient heart. These
steps lead to prlncehood, to endless life.
Cuts Home Town Girl
loves the home town. Her heart, , under
Its Jaat year's gown, and her head, under
Its tacky hat, are true and clear.
And- you! You'are a dead-souled, Insig
nificant Miss Nobody from Nowhere. The
right kind of a girl is the one who sticks
up or. her home town If It's a crossroads
postofflce. Yoj are the other kind! 1 '
Modern Wise Saws
On the principle that haste makes waste,
a man may lose a lot of time by hurry
ing. Many a loving couple think they are two
souls with but a single thought when they
havn't even that.
When you'' hear of a man who would
rather fight than' eat, It's a pretty good
guess that he lives In jk .boarding house.
Things grow smaller as they . are con
tracted, but there are exceptions. Debts,
for instance.
The age of discretion Is only attained by
the man who realizes that he is too old to
marry, or too young..
The trouble with the man who reaches
the top is that. he. seems to feel he is
exempt from the laws of gravitation. New
York Times.
married
MY TIF
JACH. Go HOME.
Aw' Sleep n orr
(NOTKkXT
srv
5w6 L.E.E.,
VqoickV
f '
sfT (TAKE
The BEE'S Junior
( i
FAY PTtlCHARD.
2..J6 Charles.
Name and Address. School. . Year. ' '
Ethel Allen, 3314 South Twentieth Ave Vluton ....1899
Leona M. Iieckwtth, Fortieth and Pratt Sts.. OentnUrark 1905
Margaret Hesen, 2700 Douglas Pt l-'ornara 1903
Earllne Francis, 1313 North Twenty-fifth St Kellom 1904
Esther Freer, 3013 Webster St Webster 1896
John Franco, 918 Pierce St Pacific 18S!
Angelo Ferragute, 417 Poppleton Avo .....Train 1902
Martha F. Gyger, 1328 South Twenty-eighth St Park .....1898
Harry Gadson, 4219 Farnam St ..SaunUera ........1900
Frances M. Gilchrist, 1713 South Twenty-ninth St.. Park. ..,.1898
Mildred Henkel, 2317 Chicago St .'.Central 1899
Mary Hoch,. 4f06 Antes Avo Central Park 1897
Jack Hunton, 2138 South Thirty-fourth St Wliulbor 1903
Christian Jorgensen, 1224 South Fifty-tirst St . . . t . . Heals -1905;
Dagmar Jensen, 2021 Lincoln Ave Cuatellar 190!
Norris Johnston, 2 626 Capitol Ave. Faruaia 1901
Bessie Kroupa, 4113 South Ninth St. TCdw. nostowater . .1900
Elizabeth Kirschbaum, 913 Atlas St Ktlw. Ttosuwattr ,.1897
Edward Konima, 1316 Pacific St ..Pacific J 89, 9
Lena Klug, 1719 Fort St.... ...... Sherman ,;1903
Doris E. Lineaweaver, 523 South Twenty-fifth Ave. . Mason 1905
Edna V. Mefedith, 2502 South Forty-Bixth Ave.
David Marqulti, 1016 South Twentieth St
Ada D. Mills, 8517 Valley St
Edith McNett, 2310 Laird St..
Clare McGovern, 2615 Chicago St....... ...
Antonette Mercurio, 1814 Plerco St. . . . .' . '.
Arthur Nebe, 4122 Saratoga St
Eugene R. Oglebay, 3317 California St
Delia Overwelr, 1212 South Twenty-seventh. St.
Ethel L. Posey, 218 South Twenty-fifth St. . '.
Fay Prltchard, 2525 Charla St
Anna Rasmussen, 3516 Parker St...,
Harry Rahman, 1017 Lincoln Ave
Frank Rampacek, 2809 Dupont St.
June Rutherford, 3227 Emmet St...,.....'
Erwln Rohlff, 2569 Leavenworth St
Edwitt Rlssl, 1202 South Twenty-seventh St.
Byron F. Rohrbough.
Benjamin' Stern, 716 North Seventeenth St.
Frederick Sholkofskl, 1710 South Twenty-first St.'..'. Cass .
Vincent Shook, 535 Park Ave. . .
Tony Varlano, 2230 Pierce St
How to Treat a Wife
"You've talked so much about the treat
ment of benedicts," remarked the Wl
Husband, casting a veiled glance of prii".
at the woman opposite at the head of tl
isble, "that I think it about time for the
parties under discussion to have a word to
say about the treatment of wives."
"Go on;" eagerly - urged the woman at
the board, wondering Just' what attitude
the masculine mind would assume.
"Well," continued the husband In a more
serious vein, "I should say that about half
the domestic difficulty in the world centers
about money. Sounds mighty material,
don't It, but In one way or another, the
little round silver wheelB are the vehicles
upon which the matrimonial craft goes
Careering to an unhappy end.".
'Take for instance the man who drifts in
on pay night, painfully extracts the small
est possible. amount from the envelope and
hands it to his wife with about the same
air he would dole out a dime to a charity
ward. 'Now, make this go as far as you
can, my dear; you know pay day comes
only once a week, -be cautions.' Then he
goes In, plants himself at the dining table,
and splutters sway because the wife has
prepared a SO-cent steak Instead of the (1.60
variety. lie pays C.t5 for a cutitom made
suit at his tailor's, and et when his wife
goes to a department store arid indulges in
a suit for 25 he nets up a howl that can be
heard around the block. Nice example of
Ingrown selfishness, isn't he?
"Another system practised by many of
our supposedly best husbands Is to buy
everything In books, then go around at the
end of the month and square up. They be
lieve that a woman is not to be trusted
with any more money than the stipend
they give her for the merest Incidentals.
Often she hasn't enough In her purse to
Some Silhouettes of the Sidewalk
BY BOBBIE BABBLES
Through the corner of his eye
He observed the world go by,
Cynical, blase and yet
Some have seen his eyes grow wet
Over some sad tale that took
Toll from his fat pocketbook.
Bport and gambler, Jaunty, trim,
Not all bad that's Honest Jim.
On the Street he was a hear
Till one day they caught him there
Squeezed him. I)ld they get the laugh?
Not a bit. He stood the gaff,
Dropped a million; yet they soy
That today he owns Broadway.
Deep, inscrutable and grim
Are the ways of Honest Jim.
It Is whispered that hi dad
Was a country parson. Gad!
Only time that hs goes buck
To the country there's a track
At the Journey's end, and there
Cries of "bookies" rend the air.
Mounts and Jockles wait for hint
To start business Honest Jim
And the name? It's bis by right. .
Once he refereed a fight
In which One-Eyed Bill Rappold
Gave him a glass eye to bold. '
When the fight was ended, why,
Gravely Jim returned the eye.
And. that day they nicknamed him,'.
Once for all, as Honest Jim.
Birthday Book
This is Hie
Day We
Celehi'aie
, June 3, 1911.
Beals ...'.'. 1905
Leavenworth 1902"
, . Windsor . . .
High.
.High ......
. Leavenworth
, . Central Park
, . Webster . . .
. . Park
.Contra! ....
. Long ,
1898
189.5.
. ... ..1891
i9oa
..190
.1896
1905'
. . . ; .1894
I . . . .1897
Franklin
Lincoln, .
. . . . .1902
1896
, Dupont
. Lothrop
. Mason .
. Park . .
. ,1902
. .1895
. .1900
...t180j,
..1895
High
, Cass t(1900-'
Farnam
1898-
St. Phllomena ..,
1 soft
ndulge in a first-class ice cream Boda,
nuch less invite her friend in for a. treat,
ou will usually find that man lunching
.nvntown with friends, grabbing for all
.u checks In a way that would stamp hint'
i prince for generosity. '
"A wife is her hUHband's business part
ner. The sooner husbands come to realize
this truth the better they will fare finan
cially sna otnerwise. -mere was a pnaif,
besides love and sancltity to that ceremony
ivrfnmiMl At ' th. nltur ThA mlnlatur
placed the official seal on the firm of 'We.
Va and Company' with equal obligations of
partnership. In business partnership one
member of the firm- manages the office!
and keeps the place In running order; the
other looks -after the technical side of the
u'nrlf trA ci .1 , 1 1 11 , .tniM'lhlni. U'lthln fa AA
It should "be. .-The profits are share and'
share alike. Pomentlc partnership is based
on the same, principal. The husband pro
cures the material for the home, while the"
wife makes the home ' and cares for Its
Inner workings. The responsibility UT
equal, the work Is equal and the two should
share equally In the profits or surplus
funds. ' 1
"No high spirited woman is going to
quietly Bubmlt to havlnit motvy banded to
hr as a reluctant Klft. Kape.;Wlly is this
true of women who have .earr.e.i their own
livelihood. Sooner or Inter iiiey will rebel,
and then It Is but a step hack to business,
where they may exercise their own earning
capacity. ...
"If every husband would give his wife an"
allowance proportionate to his earnings,'
then forget the fact, the chanoes are that
he would have a nice little bankroll saved
from that allowance at the end of the year,
as well as the memory of a peaceful and
happy sail on the otherwise stormy sea of
The
Gambler.
There, he stands before the crowd.
I'uoi, aioof, and lofty-browed,
Cane in hand and dog at heel.
Is he happy T Can he feelT l
We would give a lot to know
How he weighs the passing show
And what thought engrosses him
Whom they nicknamed Honest Jim.
(Copyright, 19U, by the N. Y. Herald Co.)
w 1
