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About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (June 18, 1905)
Conscience Is something that we think ought to gnaw at the heart ot other people. The Top o' the Mornin. By W. . JSTesb'it The man ho ws forgets the point to his story never forgets the rest of It. A FAMILY JAR. Fhe o ft 7se and L'nwise M'cmii. Would Aiss the Show. "Tim missus is scolding the master something awl'ui.'' "What's the row?" ' "She said the doctor said she ought to go awny for a r. st, and ho said he wished she would ; that he needed one.' He Showed Them. Mr. Wisi un wandered nbout the circus Krounds and entile upon n group of small bo j s who wire looking enviously upon the allies of I lie big lent. " Why don't you go In, boys?" he risked. "Clot no nionty." explained, the biggest boy. "Huh. Hoj s nowarla; huven't nny In genuity. Why. when 1 was a boy I never missed a circus and i never had a cent, either." " D'ye carry water for the elephant?'1 asked a niidium sized hoy. " I should say not. W ant to pee how it was worked when 1 was n boy?" he asked, a brilliant notion coming to him. " Yep." came the reply In chorus. Mr. Wlscun looked cautiously nbout, than crept up to the tent, raised the bottom of the 'sldewall and crawled carefully under It. The boys gasped in admiration of his daring, when from the Interior there came a succession of whacking sounds and a series of shouts, ac companied by frenzied bulgings of the can vas. "Get!" yelled one of the boys. "Deele-, phant must 'a got him." Suddenly the tent wall was lifted and Mr. Wisi un was propelled heudllrst into the midst of the group of boys. A redfaced tent hand poked his head out and commanded him with sundry strange oaths, to "git a move on " or he would jar him loose from his buttons. Mr. Wlscun picked himself up and was limping away, when a freckled boy meekly Inquired: " Is that the way you had to come out of the circus, too, w hen you were a boy?" Hut Mr. Wlscun was hobbling oft the grounds, making heated remarks about the lack of respect in the modern small boy and the general cussedness of circus folks. tJnce thre wtn Two Women, and one was Wise and the Other wasn't. Hoth of them Uot Mar rbd; one marrying a Man to K form Mlm. and the Culiir marrying a Man who needed Kcform Just as l'.adly. The First Woman Ke fornied hir Husband, but the other didn't. Now, the Second Wo man's Husband gots on a Bpne evtry Once in a While, and occasionally Stays Out bate to play I'oker and each time he has to Square Himself by buying a New Bonnet or a Press. Put the Other Coupbnre Leading an Idyllic Life of Sweet Simplicity find Con tent. Yet the One with the Unrcformid Husband Is the Envy of the Town 1h b cause of her Attire. Moral: Conscience makes the I'ash go. A YEAR FROM NOW. " T in b rMaiid." s ayr "Mr BIT' My. "that the In has failed because of the few mcn took up all the avail- THE RESULT. ' And so," the worm conclmh s, after nar rating how patiently it had eiMhired being trodden upon until pa tience had erased to be a virtue. " and so I ttirm-d at last." "Good for you!" cries the Interested Ustem r. " I admire pluck." " Well, I don't know," wearily says the worm, fidgeting In Its bandages. " It didn't better matters any to turn. It gave Mm a chanre to step on me In two places Instead of one." ftret railway company you were so heavily Interested f n i s collected on account of the way the hnnpsklrts of the able space In the cars. Allow me to offer my condolnnni " " Don't worry nbout me." say," Mr. Mednogus, " I sold out n good while ago, a cent by the smash up. In fact. I've made money." "I'm glad to hear It. Did you put your money into something else?' "Of course. I saw the honpsklrl fad comlnp on. and I disposed of my street railway stock and went Into the business of manufacturing crinoline." " Pshaw," said the first little brig, when Mr. Spider was about to begin his exhibition of swimming, "we'll miss the show." "But we're right here," said the second, third, and fonrth little bags." "Yes, bnt by the time he has waded ont to where it Is deep enongh for him to swim, he'll be below the horizon." LITTLE HENRY'S SLATE. I didn't loso For His Book. "What's that over there?" asks the tourist, pointing to the man standing by the low structure at the Kansas station. "Cyclone cellar." answers his fellow-traveler, nfter a hasty glance In the direction Indicated. Thanking him, the tourist Jots down In his ready notebook. "Another odd custom 'of the Americans Is that In some localities there are person who make a business of selling cyclones." Brought It On Himself. After years of untiring effort the reformer had succeeded In putting the world upor an absolutely honest and correct basis. Pausing for breath, he contemplnted the result of his labors. " At last," lie mused, " the world Is running as it should. There Is not one single thing in all the scheme of things that can make me unhappy. Not n " Here a blighting reflection smote him. " Alas!" he cried. " Alaa! Henceforth it will be Impossible for me to see my name In print !" An Iconoclast. " I shall become a humorist," decides the unconventional ycung man. Taking his pn In hand, he draws a sheet of pa pi r to Mm. and begins wrt:li g bun mots. Jeus de spilt, verses. aid other blight things. Suddenly an Idea strikes him and he Jots It down, then con templates it for a mor ment. " No." he mutters, erasing his notes, " I shall not do It. I ' nil be the only man who ever entered up' n a humorous ca reer without writing a limerick which lunged upon the word ' SiuUX." " i Classified Ad FOR RENT - Com modious residence, 13 miles from the city: ten acrea of grounds, filled with pleasant shade trees and shrubbery; beautiful flowers in profusion: cool breeze all the time; wide porches; restful chairs and hammocks: delightful sleeping rooms will rent to desirable tenant for the summer. Reason for remting: Owner must go to some 8x10 hotel rooms at a hot and dusty summer resort with his family. c '" ' ' n uuimiiMJi nun i I mm n&mu in - -1, HELPS SOME. "After my worrying all this time about keeping my money I find that you have spent it all on dresses and hats?" " Well, that relieves you of all that worry, doesn't it?" 7 i ) CJ IN EASY STREET. On Eti; itreet, they lay to us, Nona worries for a cent Except to landlord!, who must fun Each month to get the rent. flxample and Precept. " Youns man,'' said the earnest employer, "you should remi mbi r that i i I j hour is composed of sixty golden minutes, each set with sixty shining seconds." " That, sir." courteously responded the joung man, " was the motto on the wall of the little red schoolhouse I attended." " Ah. Just so. And I trust that you always bear In mind the wastefulness of Idling away your time." " 1 Jry to, sir." " That is right. Remember that In soma lazy moment a wondrous opportunity may come your way. If you fall to nw it and to seize It the whole course of your future may be altered." " Yes, sjr." "And, therefore, 1 would urge upon you never to waste uur time in foolibh amuse ment, in loafing, In dreaming of the unat tainable, or In listening to " " In listening to idle talk, sir' politely suggested the youth, " Exactly. And. as you have Idled five minutes at present, the cashier will be In structed to deduct the proper amount from our envelope. Vet this lesson sink In, my young friend, and in time to come you will realize that " But the earnest young man had gone, mur muring to himself that while good advice was an excellent thing he really wished to Bava the remainder of his dally wage. System in Society. The social queen is languid and depressed this evening. " Jane," she says to her maid, " what are my engagements for tonight?" The maid enumerates them. "Very well, ou may send my four thou sand dollar dinner gown to Mrs. Clubber's, my fifteen hundred dollar gown and string of pearls to Mrs. Hirupp's, my lace ball gown to Mrs. Dancum a, nij diamond coronet and stomacher to the theater, and my applique velvet gown to the Uudness Knose wedding. That's all people care to see, nowadays. I'm going to bed with a headache, and If any one calls, I'm not at home," Corroborative Evidence. " How Is mother?" repeated the beautiful young thing, when the caller had inquired politely after the health of the family. " Mother Is enjoying herself very much up here In the country, but she always stays In doors during the daytime, because you know sMie tans dreadfully." she does, cor- TIIE UNDERSTUDY. " Yassum. my boy Eph. he's done gone an' Jlned out wld dp troopers, yas surn." "Hid Aunt Harriet, proudly. " Yassum, he's done turned hisse'f Inter a regular actor." "An actor?" asked the lady of the house. " What company is he with?" " He's wif ' De Midnight Murder ' show, an' he's undahsteddy fo' de stah man er de play." "Understudy? Why. Aunt Harriet, that calls for a man of more education than Eph ever had. isn't there somo mistake?" " No'ra, No. indiMKly. Eph. he stan's by de strpladdch back er de scenes an' steddies It when de stah climbs up ter look outen de winder at de villum." We have carefully perused ten cookbooks and so far have seen nothing which Improves upon the plot of oldfashioned apple pie. Unfortunately, the law also proiccts the man who reminds you of something you have Just succrcded in comfortably forgetting. There are more excuses for failure than there are explanations for success. A TIP FOR FATHER. " Yes. Willie." said the affable uncle, tail! not be any more rain." "Is that true?" ased Willie. "1 must run home and tell papa, heard him sav he intended to invest in an umbrella factory." A HINT. Miss Florabel having innocently remarked that the drugglsti on the next corner but one has had a new soda fountain put in, Mr. Titely remaks "That reminds me of an Interesting item I saw In the papers yesterday. A young man In Batavia took a young lady to a soda fountain and she drank twenty-five glasses of chocolate ice cream soda, and is now so ill that her life Is almost despaired of." "How splendid!" cries Miss Florabel. "Splendid? Splendid? That poor girl lying at the point of death, and " " O, I don't mean that. I mean how splendid It was of the young man." Athletics. " Like to see some gymnastics this evening?" asked the host, who was a genial fellow of ready wit and most excellent fancy. " To be sure," answered the guests, who were Just beginning to mix with the strenuous life. " Then let's all go to the kitchen and see the Icebox." But as he Immediately passed around his best cigars nobody had the hardihood to speak the words that should have been spok en at that juncture. 1 You het roborated the small brother, who whs sitting cautiously on the edge of a chair. Helpful Hint. " Unli'clty?" asked the man with the sour face. " I'm the unlucklest man that ever lived. Why, If it was raining money I'd have my umbrella up and none of It would touch me." " Huh!" observed the man with the keen eyes. " You'd be so much occupied with' kicking about your hard luck that you wouldn't think to turn your umbrella over, I suppose." Belief. " And do you believe man Is made of the dust of the earth?" we ask of the earnest theologlst. " I certainly do," he avers. " Tush!" we respond, tartly. " Have you any evidence that such Is the case?" " To be sure," he answers, confidently. " Take Bllgg sopp, for Instance. lie has sandy hair, a muddy complex Ion and is always gritting his teeth." Where society palls on us Is when we see some one getting credit for being a brilliant conversationalist by cracking the Jokes he heard a day before, and that everybody ought to have heard a year ago. After reading the list of germs said to be carried by the misquito we are forced to the belief that the mosquito is carried by the germs. The hoop skirt will positively be here this fall. Tuesday wt neara a woman say: " Mrs. Jones has a hoop skirt. It makes her look like u fright. I wonder where I can buy one." the rainbow means that there Jest a ti Sa mm Jest a lauihin' all th' time; In the mornin' when he wakei Laughs at how the sun must climb An' the fuss the whistles makes; Laughs because his oio'ei is tore, Or the buttons Is pulled off; Laughed until his chest wai sore When he had the whoopln' cough. Jeit a laughln' when it rains He declares the busy drops Tickles all the window panes An' he laughs until it stops; Laughs each time he gon to run An' stubs somethin' with his toes Bays 't'ud been a lot o' fun If It had 'a' been his noset Jest a laughln' 1 Why, in church, He laughs like he understood What a strange thing 'tis to search For new ways o' beln' good! When you'd think that laugh o' hit Must be simply all played out He'll laugh harder, 'cause there is Mothln' left to laugh about. Jest a laughln' day an' night When the house it dark It seems That he's chucklin' low an' light Over somethin' in hit dreamt. Laught at what hit mamma does, Laught at what the neighbors do; Laught at all the beet that buzz While they'rs ttealin' honey dew. They Did. " I understand you and Higberry Biffer are on the outs,' has aspirations as a peacemaker. "We are." replies Mullibat Tltmuff. " Well, I've Just left him, and have given him a good talk on the foolishness of quar rels, so why don't you gp over and see him and try to get together?" "Good idea," says Mullibat Tltmuff, taking his hat and starting out to call upon Higberry Biffer. Ten minutes later he returns, with one black eye, one torn coat, and two sprained fingers. " Why what how " stammers the peacemaker. " I took your advice, didn't I? And doesn't this look as if we had got together?" says the mutual friend, who About this time, also, the fireworks and liniment fuctories are running double time. Love letters have gone out of fashion. If they are not read In a breach of promise ruit, they may be printed In a col lection of letters after you are dead and helpless. The Self Made Again. " says the tlrst man, with a pompous ' I may say that I am entirely self " Yes,1 manner, made." The other, who is a wizened person with no regard for the feelings of others, n marks: " My! Your union must have called you out several times on strike." .1? p IS the Peach of which wc ht Along In April every year That all the crop Is lost Because the' correspondents sa Along about the ISth day M Triers Is a heavy frost." That Is the old perennial way They tell us of tha Peach, N. J. P also Is the Peach you see Upon tha stage-tha one, two, three. Then skip from side to side." She marches In tha backmost row Uut whtt she strikes the spotllRht's glow Yum see the Peach Is dried. A Merry village maiden, she, Aaetner rt f Peach, N. G. P stands tor till anatbsr Peach Yon ma aa muUHtala side or beach - l be moaeia summer girl. Far bar a thousand fights are waged Each gay anew aha la engaged And hearts are set awhlrl. An4 works that ha may pay Tbs summer bills of Peach, N, A. Jl Criticism. MI call this 'A Dream. M "You must uf,"er from insomnia." A Kansas shingle dealer adver tises: " You can't apank a boy with a tin roof." Why unroof the houst when slippers and hair brushes are usually within reach? What's the use? A man no longer can get a hearing when he tries to tell about the time he was operated on for appendicitis. About this time the cruel editors are neck deep in " Knee Deep in J une " parodies. Following a system of health cul ture at a sanatorium, consists in pay ing railroad fare to be told to do what you might as eastry do for yourself at home. The real evil of poker Is the fact that so many of Its devotees take up your time explaining how they almost won a Jackpot. The real skeleton at the feast It the man who re hi sea catsup and then explains to all the table that he never uses It because he hat seen It made in the factories. Any woman will tell you that her liu.-imnil Un't the Least Bit Afraid of Lightning, she will also deny that he It arald of her. It Is not generally known that pos tal car. to. wi re firvt Introduced for the benefit of folks who wanted to write for samples and catalogues. The- saasickest man we ever saw wai one who could sing " Larboard Watch, Ahoy," on land, and make you long to run off and bea tailor. With wrecks happening every where, why should one tra el to ac quire fintah? He may Just at easily be finished at home. FORGETFULNESS. WW A ..ww w a What wrong with Dinks: lias he forgotten wag to recite ? " "No-the host has forgotten to ask Dinks to recite it! poem Le