Image provided by: University of Nebraska-Lincoln Libraries, Lincoln, NE
About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (June 11, 1905)
Ax In, on the other hand, the man mho blows hit own horn never playn a dirge. The Top o' the Mornin By W. . JWeshit. The average woman la convinced that the looks be witching In a ham mock. HAUGHTY THING. ( V "Whit do you think of Miss Starfish?" asked the lobster. "Not so very much," answered the oyster. "I proposed to her last night and she called me a lobster." "And when I proposed to her she shut me Up like an oyster." DEED OR DARING. "There's lots of accidents happen to these aeronauts that make the balloon ascen sions at the county fairs during the summer, aren't there?" asked the man who had been looking through the column of accidents by telegraph. " Lots of Vm," agreed the man with the retrospective eyes, who chev.ed a ragged cigar In a disconsolate manner. " Hut," pursued the first speaker, " folks like you and me have no call to worry over finding a fate like that" " I dunrvo," replied the man with the retrospective eyes. " They do say that lightning never strikes twice In the same place, though." - " What's lightning got to do. with It?" " Nothing at all. Hut mebbe you haven't been here long enough to know that five years ago I got the purse of fifty dollars for being married In the captive balloon at the fair grounds." lAn Alphabet of Jo&es i i. i um am tav "But why," asked the fair young thing of the fat old man, "do you wear such a little bit of a hat?" "Ah, miss," courteously explained the fat old person, " I wish to exhibit my admiration for the good taste of the ladies. I, too, will regulate the size of my hat Vy the amount of my hair." It Worried Him. " Tts," said the first doctor, " I have a case up on Rllnker street that is causing me 'a gnat deal of worrl rnent." " Indeed?" asked the second doctor. " Are you wondering whither or not the patWnt will g t well?" " Not so much that as I am puzzled over whither or not he will pay my bill." Ths Hard Part. It is a trying pro fession. " said the first entomologist. "Isn't It?" replied the second. " The world never realists how hard we fellows work." " Indeed, it doesn't." " The world never gits a thought to the ' days and nights of study we put In." " I should say not." " Think of It. Sometimes we work and worry for years to decide upon the habits and manners of life of some obscure bug." " Huh. Think that's the hard part. How about the nerve wracking and mind wrecking task of inventing scientific names for the things!" H ti Li 1 D . " Po you refuse meh?" our hero exclaimed to the haughty heiress on tho veranda of the seaside hotel. " I do," she whispered, trying to infuse some sadness into her tones, eying him with a sidelong glance to observe the effect of her statement. " Then listen!" He drew himself up to his full height and eyed her proudly, while she shrank back into the depths of the chair, anutvor with wonderment. " Then listen!" he said again. " No, do not attempt to compel me to hold my silence. Since you spurn my advances, since you trample my young love under your patrician feet, since you smile gayly at my pro testations of adoration, listen! Within one hour I shall hurl myself into the bosom of yonder sea." lie was gone, and though the crushed heiress en gaged tho services of life savers and watched the beach they were unable to prevent his carrying out his threat, for within less than an hour he had leaped Into the bosom of the sea with another heiress, whom he had been playing for second choice. FOLLOWING PRECEDENT. Affluence. There Is great ex citement In Lone Tree Gulch. One Eypd Ike has turned up a doien huge nuggets of solid gold. " Why," Fays Tooth less Tutt. " . otir of these things is worth SlO.lHXi. Ike, you've struck It at last. What are ye goln' to do with all your money?" " I'm goln' to buy a thousand alarm clocks." replies C'ne Eyed Ike. " What for?" " An' I'm goln' to set 'em all for (1 o'clock in the mornln', an' when they wake me up I'm Jest goin' to turn over In bed an' shoot the evcrlastln' daylights out o' them." Joyous r ancv. Col. pluddengoah of Lexln'ton, Kentucky, has climbed around and around the spiral stuircase for seven doors. At this point he pauses to regain his breath. One sees many great sights in this large city," says his guide. "Yes, suh, but thah Is one tiling I suttenly should like to see." avers the colonel. " And what is that?" " I should greatly admlah to see a bottle lahge enough to hold the cohk that would be drawn by this cohk Perfidious Man. " Yes," confessed the younger woman, " I do all my own cooking and housework. You see, my husband praises everything I do, and seems to enjoy his meals so much that I haven't the heart to risk hiring a ser vant who might not meet his requirements." " Praises you. does he?" asked tho older woman, with a sniff. " Humph. You might know he would. That's the way with men. They'll stoop' to all kinds of deceit In order to make a woman slave herself to death for them. No wonder you never have a chance to attend the lectures on cooking and housekeeping at the chib." After a man has paid accident Insurance premiums for ten years he begins to cherish a grudge against street cars and -other things that might have given him some action on his money. A BACK NUMBER. a. ir i f - llil j "They say that Mrs. Diggem Is the most up to date amateur gardener hereabouts." "Up to date? My goodness! She knows the name and habits of every flower yon ever heard of, bnt she really wears the dowdiest, most ontlandish gar dening costume yon ever saw! Up to dateT Why, she is years behind the styles." Oyster in the social sonp, 0 single gem in the tureen Round which the hungry people troop, How Tery seldom are yon seen ! How wide and glowing are the eyes 01 him who sbouts with surging soul "Aha I I gness I win the prize I've found the oyster in my bowl ! " 6, Oyster in the social soup I 0, firm foundation ol the fair The organ fund would sadly droop II by mischance yon were not there. 0, single Oyster 1 Here's to yon ! A magic thing you snre mnst tie, For there's more water in yonr stew Than ever was within yonr sea. Tempted of the Truth. The canker worm of Jealousy and blighted affection was gnawing like a wolf at the heart of the editor of the Nuggville Clarion. Miss Tessie Magoon, to whom he had paid ardent court for four years, had been that day married to Ephralm Johnson, who had played the role of not only the hated rival but the successful one. " It Is high time," mused the editor of the Nuggville Clarion, " that the great profes sion of Journalism took gentle truth by the hand and gave her her proper place on the throne of publicity. It Is an unfair code of ethics that compels a Journalist to write what he knows to be untrue, Just because he is bound by the galling chains of custom." Taking his pencil he turned over some sulo bills and began writing on the backs thereof: "One of the tiresomest June weddings that ever happened In this community was that on Wednesday of Tessie Magoon and Ephralm Johnson. Mrs. Magoon had Insisted on a church wedding, so the old man had to stand for Janitor and organist fees that he could 111 afford. In fact, he had the nerve to borrow $10 from ye editor to eke out these and other expenses. There was a guod crowd In attendance most uf them coming from sheer curios ity, desiring to see what kind of a looking woman would marry Eph Johnson. The bride was attired in some kind uf a white dress. Every woman In the audience said It didn't fit at all In the back and It looked as if it was made over. The groom wore a black suit that illl had the mark down price mark on It, and he kept Juggling his celluloid cuffs all the time. Men who are about to get married and to be dressed up in their Sunday clothes on weekdays ought to praotice for awhile and get used to wearing cuffs. Eph's hands hung down like a pair of red hams, and he was a pitiful sight. The bride said, ' Yes ' three times before the preacher had finished his opening remarks, and the groom was so scared that he had to be prompted by the bride, who seemed to be afraid he would back out at the last minute. Mr. and Mrs. Johnson went on a bridal tour to the east that Is, to the county seat. Borne kind of a lunch was served at the house after the wedding. There was salt In the ice cream and the strawberries were sour. The couple were given many expressions ol sympathy in the guise of congratulations." Reading over what he had written he grinned savagely, then mused: " I've got a notion to print It anyway, and then sell out and move to another town. But, no. Tradition holds me in Its clutch." Whereupon he took another sheet of paper and wrote a notice of the wedding, re ferring to the bride as one of Nuggvllle's fairest daughters and the groom as a prominent business man of a neighboring town, and stating that the happy couple had departed on a wedding tour to the east, also that an elaborate wedding collation had been served. R-R-REVENGE ! ' But," said the first artist, "why do you want to paint her picture In that pose? It Is not artistic; It la not natural; It la not " " Hist, man," Interrupted the second artist. " She might hear you. I am going to paint auch a portrait of her because she has rejected me. She thinks It will be a melancholy pleasure to me, but she will change ber mind after the art critics have said their say." Preparing tor the Future. The eminent hero lay dying. At his bedside were grouped a number of his faithful friends who had accompanied him when he left his native land. Having made a sententious remark which would look well in history, the eminent hero turned to a lawyer whom he had summoned, also to the representatives of the press, who occupied the background, and said: " Sir, and gentlemen, I beg of you tf make careful note of what I am about to say, and to put It In writing and place copies of it In the different safety deposit vaults of this and other cities." " We will, sir," they responded, wondeYIng If his mind were wandering in these his last hours. " Take this down," he asked. " I am John James' Jonrs, father of the submarine militia of America. My nose is twisted to the left because of being caught In a door, my left ear is of the variety known as cauliflower because of having been struck by a prlie fighter; two lingers are missing from my left hand; my right leg Is of the best quality of Italian cork, and I have always removed il at night by means of a corkscrew, which will be interred with my body; I have sold or destroyed nil my clothing except the garments In which I am to be buried, consisting of a striped shirt, plccadilly collar, batwing tie, baggy trousers and sawed off sack coat; I have never worn whiskers; my shoes are cushion soled and rubber hee led: my sword will not be buried with me but will be placed in soak at the " SiKn of the Three Halls "; my grave will lie found twenty feet north and fifty feet east of the main entrance of the Hue de la Goo cemetery, and my name will be tatooed on my chest." "Hut why?" ask the onlookers, between their tears. " A hundred years from now 1 want my jj-ountrymen not only to be grateful to mo for having founded their submarine militia, but also for having left a card index system that will enable them to iind what is left of me in an instant, so as not to dolay the program of administering full but belated funeral honors to me." Kemarklng that he died happy but not any more willingly than the next m.n, ha parsed away. Wrontf Impression. " Young man," began the solemn faced' person, " how many cigars do you smoke In a day?" " From six to eight," answered the young man, flicking the ashes from the one he waa smoking. " And what do you pay for them?" i " Ten cents apiece, which Is sixty cents to eighty oents a day," replied the young man.' " Let us average It at seventy Little Henry's Slate. r r f t N3 CRAFT COURTSHIP. IN SHE DYED. " Ah, sir," Jaid the stranger, " It was but one short year ago that I was at this summer resort, and met a beautiful brunette to whom I plighted my troth. Bhe said she would be true until death, and she gave me this lovely ringlet of her hair as a gage of her love. I was to seek her here at this time, yet I do not find her. Hast seen her?" " What was the name?' asked the hotel clerk, for It waa indeed he. " Rosette Hejiggs." " O, she dyed last full." " Died?" " Yes. That's her over there at the end of the piaaza. That stunning . blonde." As Rosette even then was detaching a beaute ous, blond ringlet for a detracted youth at her side, our hero ordered his grips rent to the station and began looking up the time of trains. "Ah, darling," breathed the impassioned wooer, "why do you not say 'Yes'? Can you not say it?" "Dear me, X could say it," responded the honest damsel, "but if X do, then you will immediately stop making all these pretty speeches." Exposed. " And you told me, Reginald," whispered the bride through her tears aa th carriage whirled them away to the railway station, " that you had never before been married." " Why, my angel, I never Imve," he asserted, albeit a gulhy linsli swept to his forehead. " And," she continued, her sobt. becoming more evident, " I trusted you, although you were a stranger when I met you. Hut now your perfidy is unmasked. O, why should things be so?" " What in the world makes you think such a thing?" "' If you never had been married, how could you keep step ao perfectly with the wedding march? No man who has n-t had lots of practice can walk down the aisle e.nd be self-possessed while It Is be ing played." Artand Actuality. The man with Hhe long huh- and the dreamy eyes threw down his pen with a petulant expres sion and looked wrathfully aero.-- the fields. " Why, my dear," said his wile " It la odd that you cannot work out here. You aaid if you only could come to' the country for the summer you knew that you would be inspired to writ wonderful poems that should thrill the world and would live In the memory of mankind forever." " So I did," growled the poet. " but here I've been trying for two hours to compose some verses on ' The Ixiwlng Klna,' and every time I get a fair start that old tow over in the pasture begins bel lowing to her calf and knocks my inspiration gal ley weat." We have given the matter some thought, but we cannot decide whether It lb better to be a specialist in your own line or an expert In the other fellow's. Take the portrait of a king you wouldn't know he was a king if it were not for the crown and costume w ich form most of the picture. Yesterday we saw a woman in a hundred dollar dress and a forty flollar bonr.et read ing " The Simple Life." We positively refuse to read the rest of the first tliapttr of that book. The trouble it that second thought too o-.en la afterthought. The tendency among prodigal sons U to top at the pasture on the way home and drive the fatted calf up tothe house with them. We are waiting patiently the arrival of a high browed statesman who will attempt to secure the passage of a law decreeing tlutt wonun's styles must not change of lent r than every four years. Nowadays the high school graduates are' nut permitted to tell how thty would run the world. Some eminent statesman is invited to speak to the same purpose. There is a man In Kentucky who kno"ws r0S pecie of mushrooms. Nevertheless most of us will continue (o recognise only one sort the canned variety. Another howling evil of the time is the number of men who will eat the stuff on free lunch counters and then go home and berate their wives for letting the beefsteak burn. Business success is sometimes achieved by keet ptug your eyes open, and then again it comes from keeping them closed at the right time. Instead of finding out how a plutocrat gets bis monty It might be better tu learn where he gets it and it there Is any more where his comes from. , Have you noticed how the modern novel is tending toward, a plot wherein a crusty old plutocrat Is browbeaten and foiled by a pule but earnest young hero who is working for the good of his fellowmen? In real life the pale but earnest young hero would find his deal closed because he couldn't protect his margins before the third chapter was in full swing. cents, which Is four dollars and ninety cents a week, or perhaps five dollars, allowing for an extra smoke on Sunday. That amounts to t'iOO a year, or in ten years it would count up to 2, GOO. which, if it had been deposited in a savings bank at compound interest might have amounted to $4,000 or S5,(M)0. In twenty years it would be at least 1 0.OOO. in forty years, SIS, 000. And from then on It would grow by leaps and bounds until In two hundred years I would have a fortune greater than any one else on earth. Thus, if I " " Pardon me," Interrupted the solemn stranger. "You are a good mathematician, no doubt ; but what I wanted to say was that I am sel- Ing the Natural Flavor Panatella, at reduced rates to private customers, and would be glad to have you try this sample and let us have an order by mail If it pleases you." And as the solemn man walked on the young man looked after him and muttered: " Well, If I didn't size him up for one of these offhand reformers C !A.m --ati- BT m , .mm I JEALOUS. I . "Isn't It absurd." ased Mr. Steelpen. "hoti) old Saill is attracted to Miss Fountainpenf She makes a goose of him." "Yes, tut he tikes the to ay she goes on jo gushingly alt the time."