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About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (June 4, 1905)
A man Is know n by the company he keeps and If It In that klnl of company he It known by about ev erybody else. The Top os the Mornin'. W. . fiesbit Mural courage Is thnt quality which Is shown by the man ho ral! cloves where he tti'iy be observed. A HINT? MM A 4-0. 14 ' Appropriate. " Boys," said one of the friends of the departed who hnd been noted for bin dyspeptic outlook upon the world and life, " we ought to chip In and buy gome sort of an appropriate tablet to be put up on Jim's tomb." " Sure we ought." agreed another friend. " I move we get up a purse and buy a pepsin tablet and have It properly Inscribed." TOO GREAT A STRAIN. 1 N tV ( 3 IU f -V .'t'S ft w n xVx- W ' a., m, ,iwnT y hv.-tv. . LAZY. " Yes, Skeemcr has a bright mind and Is Ingenious, but unfortunately hft Is so laiy that he never has made any money from his Inventions." " Too bad." ' Isn't It? Why. about ten years at?o ho not up an elertrle bell with a concealed button that would have made him rich If he had only pushed It." At the Minstrels. Mistah Tambo looked across the stage toward his eminent brother Mistah Hones, and remarked: " Mistah Hones, there is one small iiiquirendulum I desialia to perpetrate In your direction." " You may go ahead with your Interference," asserted Mistah Bones. When the laughter of the audience had subsided to some extent Mistah Tambo put this question: " What is the difference between a plumber and a poet?" Mistah Hones threw up his head In derision. " Why." he shouted, "you might as well ask me the difference between the subtreasury building rnd a hall room." Again the audience shouted happily, albeit four or five poets In the gallery were seen to be slowly making their way out. " What Is the difference, though, between the plumber and the poet?" asked the Interlocutor, addressing Mistah Bones. " It'l easy," Mistah Bones replied. " The plumber works for prosperity but the poet works for posterity." " Wrong," shouted Mistah Tambo. "Then," asked Mistah Hones, with some displeasure, "what is the answer?" "One lays the pipes and the other pipes the lays," explains Mistah Tambo. When quiet had been restored Mr. Armand Dillsuthers advanced to the spotlight and rendered with great feeling the pathetic ballad of 5 1 The Astute Professor. " Now." said the other member of the faculty, " If you carry your theory out to Its logical conclusion, the public will ' " Not a bit of It," remurked th astute professor. " I'll not carry the theory to a logical conclusion. If 1 do that the public will never pay any attention to It." No Prospect ol Chanfs. " But don't you believe." asks the theorist, " that gov ernmental ownership of railways will make a great differ ence In affairs?" " Not at all," replies the congressman. " Fvery one of my constituents pesters me for free passes as things are now." The Past Tense. "Really." said, the X-ray operator to the surgeon, ' there Is only a grammatical distinction between our professions." " Po you think so?" asked the surgeon. 1 " Certainly. I see bones nnd you saw bones." For Rent. " Now," said the chronic bore, " I am an open minded man. I've nlwnys made It a rule of my life to " " Yes," Interrupted the acute rlctlm. " and 1'vo often wondered why some Idea didn't move into that open mind." EASY MATTER. i- v , ' y human Interest and heart throbs, entitled " Do Not Take the Door Knob From the the Door." The Two Problems. " No doubt," we say to the modiste, " there are puzzling problems to solve In your profession." " O yes." she replies. " For Instance, It is as hard to figure how much goods to put In a street dress as It Is to decide how much to leave out of a bathing dress." " Yet," said the fair young thing, growing tnthuilaitlc over her pst dog, "dear little Juju ctually teems to have more Intelligence than some men. Would you believe it, he never comes into the room where I am without ruin ing right to me to he klusd." man who told exactly how to solve the traction problem always walks to and from business for his health. Friday morning we were waylaid by a But he Agreement. " O, I don't know that she is so beautiful,' vldual. " Not beautiful? Has she not a marble brow. ruby Hps? Not beau " "Conceding nil that, am I not Justified In asserting that she has a hard face?" says the first Indi an Ivory sliln and' " Mone does not buy happiness. " Remember how the keeper of the keys to the jam closet always argued that jam was unhealthy for you? DID HE? "There's Mr. Sklggser," says the hoat. "He made his money out of pepper." ' " You don't tell me." " Y'es. Indeed. He made his fortune of pepper, and he's Just rolling In money now." " Well, well! Why, the man must have had a regular pepper mint." "Famous" and "forgotten" as has often been demonstrated, have the same Initial. Higher Criticism. " You used to vow that I was an angel," complaint the devoted wife, " hut now you talk hatefully Just because 1 want to buy some pretty new clothes." " Huh," remarks the brutal husband, " As near as I can figure it out bo angel ever buys new clothes." oesso When a rich man begins giving away his money we ask where he got It, and when he does not give It away we carp because he 'keeps it. The Other Side. " They've arrested a man In Chicago for having fifty wives," says Mrs. Bossett. "That shows what the men are." "1 don't know," answers her husband. "Doesn't It show pretty well what the women are, too?" Some beauty Is not even Bkln deep It Is but skin doctoring. LOUD SOMETIMES. " Where' the eggs ? " " What eggs, ma? " The eggs I sent you for. Didn't I tell yon to get a dozen and not to forget to hurry back." " Well, ma, I tried so hard to remember to hurry back that I forgot the eggs." One or tbe Other. The traveling phrenologist fingers the head of the wan little man with great Interest. Resting hif thumb upon a particularly large bump, he ventures: " My friend. If you are not a married man you are un doubtedly gifted with the greatest capacity for command, of any man on earth." His Failing. " I cannot understand why Hottalre did not get a re- nomination," remarks the first citizen. " They say he a wonderful politician, that he never forgets a face or a name." " That's right," morosely observes the second citizen, " but he hain't a very good memory when It romqs to the offices he has promised to those faces and names.'' HADN'T NOTICED IT. "Had you noticed, Miss Vlopp, that you hadn't noticed me several times lately When We met?" "JVo. I simply haVen't noticed you." Success, it is said, consists In making a good bluff. But perhaps, you have noticed that the man who makes good at a bluff is the one who has the checks before him. XXX Breaking the Ice socially is not of much avail unless you can cut Ice af terward. XXX It gives one con siderable of a Jar to be paying Install ments on a book of the lives of the emi nent Just at the time one of the grand and glowing examples of how to succeed falls for two or three millions. XXX A decided negative Is not necessarily a deciding negative. " life' r IS ril . N-ntrsxV(i.?feA 11 quietly "There sits your brother across the house. flADf H I tlAr" WV 9 U UV i Be dresses very res. exceot sometimes when he can't find the articular era- Tat he wishes to wear? " A MOMENT OF BITTERNESS. Ah, yet, dull, sodden grief may creep Into your heart and make you weep; Or sudden sorrow, keen and iwlft Hay swoop on you and give no shrift But into nothing theie will fade, Grief seems in cap and bells arrayed And Sorrow, which no drink will drowa Seemed garbed in motley of the olown Before the poignsat, olutchlng shock Which ooms all other things to mock When ons, with gay and Joyous heart Is brought around with stunning start Vht brings the quick tears to his eye When with a groan He bitsi the stone That nestles in the chsrry pie! You don't wonder at the number of confi dence games that are successfully worked when you hear a man telling how his parrot u n d e rstands every thing he says. Isn't It funny that others always growl about the man who they think is being led a deg's life? We have a great ad miration for the man who can speak ten or twelve languages, but our admiration palls when we reflect that we can understand but one of them. Yes, dear graduates, there was once a day when even we knew readily what, the bi nominal theorem and differential calculus wtre. Later on, you, too, will forget about them. Tbe average man holds the private opin ion that he looks like gladiator when play ing golf. Also, one half of the world thinks the other balf does not know he w it lives. Calm counsel for ear nest authors: "Real ism " In literature dots not necessarily consist of one cu.xsword to the line and one great cloud of gloom to every chapter. We have observed thut w hen a man gets to the point where he can pronounce " Jlu jltsu " he conidr himself an expert In It. The Wit of Wealth. If a maa who's broke Attempts a Joke, t Though it bs one turned out newly, Ws may smile at It For a little bit But ws will not lj)lh enduiy. If a man with dough Springs a weak boa met Ws will show reipsct for dellare By eur wilt ha he's And our t'el applause For we all are able scholars, And we all hare Warned That a Joks's best turned To the jingling slink ef money. Bs it gray aod aid, In the sheea of gold It Is very, very funny. AILS hive done much to help mankind How often have we hear! it 614 01 those who winning methods On: "They always hit It ei the heal." The nail is found la many Jokes: In divers forms the nail-Jest eome, With pictures of the frantlo folks Who whack the hammer en the thnmhT Bat this nail Joke still holds Its sway: Jones areata Brown with friendly hall : " Ton'd like to take a drive today t Go fat a hammer. Here's the nail" my vv Is B7 Jt . . : ;v;Xf A Wii i "V Jk:r:ri&im' .... I 'Mr. Lamb dropped a hundred thousand,. In a wheat corner yesterday." "Silly Uilng. I suppose he'll be cutting all the wheat plants down now trying to find his money.' 1 Little Henry's Slate. S inn times a man may be, dls-hotu-st enouyli to have his. price but the other fellow may, not be dlMliuucs-l ciiuugh to pay It. Many men blame ii.on the Im possibility of foreseeing the fu-l ture the mistakes which arise' from their failure to remember the past. While you are striving for fame, remember that most fame con sists In a statue that does rtot look like you, enctcd fifty years or so al ter you are unabletto see It. rtetween the. lady who wants to remove freckles and the man who wants to know the correct cos tume for an afternoon wedding, the answers-to-qucries people never have an Idle moment. Asking a man what he honestly thinks about you is really asking him to read your mind and tell what you honestly think he should think. 1 mffk mm 1 j TWO RE RUN. ?t- iW WiWm$m iet 1 . fefsraSl "I do so enjoy shopping, Mr. Gights." "You do? No doubt your husband permits you to buy any thing you wish." ' "Indeed he doesn't So Z have the fun of shopping, as well as arguing him into promising to buy the things I want"