Image provided by: University of Nebraska-Lincoln Libraries, Lincoln, NE
About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (May 28, 1905)
We have read ten thousand toasts In rhym, and f never have hoard one of thorn delivered at dinner. The Top o' the Mornin W. D.fiesbit. fstill. It does not even ameliorate the pangs cf poverty to observe the way the rich man Is criticised. Making It Clear. Is it true," asked the affronted one. " that you said I was a hasbcen ? " "My dear fellow," explained the other, "I said nothing of the sort. Why, I said that you had never even been a has'been." Prognts of tht Prima Donna At first the bad a tilvtry voice, Then f olden tooei cama from her throat Today her dinning ii more choice, Each alr'e a hundred dollar note. The Way It Works. Wi meet the man whose Investment In min ing M'.rk lias turned nut to be marvclcusly profitable. " Glad to hear of the big strike of gold in your mine," we say, heartily. " It must be a (treat hflp In one's business to linve these pier, s of pood lu"k befall him. It must have a not let-able fcffect on his affairs." '" It ri s." he replies, very gloomily for a man who has had such a streak of luck. " It de es. When a man makes ft big w inning of that sort It arts as a narcotic to his d btors and a stimulant to his creditors." Fashion. The etyle ia a peculiar thing Now, I have noticed here of late Concerning bonneti worn thie erring: When they're on crooked, they're on ttraight. Advanced Insurance Policy. " No," says the man w ho is being solic ited to take out a policy all the Insurance I t an carry. luniks like a waste of money, anyhow, to keep sinking It Into this game, nnd have to wait so long for even an endowment policy to mature." " Hut we have a new form now," argues the agent. " What Is that?" " I'.y paying four years' premiums at once you become entitled to an invitation to our fancy dress dinner. Prepaying the whole term of premiums gives you a season ticket for the speakers' table, also." The Trouble with Skooks. After an argument which has endured for the space of an hour and a half. Mr. Skooks gatht rs a bit more breath and ass rta to Mr. Bklcks: " And that's all there Is to It. I'm a man r,f ft w wordF. and don't any ncces? Ity In the Future. Th humble cottager and his family are gathered about the table for their evening meal when a timid rapping on the door occurs. The father of the family goes to the door ami holds speech with a shrinking person who Is on the steps. At length the father returns, after closing the door carefully, and explains: " It was another of those plutocrats, trying to give away bin money. I tried my best to turn him away f ullhaniled, but he begged so piteously that at last I consented to accept a hundred thousand dollars from him. I locked the door carefully, however, for those fellows are getting so desperate now that they are likely to slip Into the house and leave a million or two hidden in the hall seat." Its Origin. We are chatting with our eminent literary friend and are receiving much helpful In formation concerning the early forms of different styles of vers and prose. " Now," we say, " one thing- that always bothered us la to understand how the different verse forma received THE CLIMAX. ode so called?" Our literary friend strokes his beard thoughtfully tor a moment, then ex plains : " It Is my impres slon that It Is called ' Ode ' because no body ever wrote one that paid." Marveling at the simplicity of the thing had never be fore appealed to us we Invite him to Join us In a soda water. The graduate who is so earnestly ad vising us to hitch our wagon to a star will be thinking about getting an auto with in a year. The wagon breaks down too soon. We have observed that good resolutions are something w e make and wonder why others do not observe. ..to,!,..., jS ft ' j.itt.2 Henry's latQ. see I guess I've geH about f,,r ' " Of course you're a man of ftw words." Mr. Skieks breaks in. " but the trouble Is you use 'em ov r and over so much." XXX Funny, that a man can talk two d lys about an Illness of two hours. xxx A helpful f t 1 e n a wants us to write something about Irri gating a garden to raise leeks. xxx Another nice thing about castlts In the air is that you don't have to push a lawn all around tht in once or twice a k k. xxx Have you ever no ticed how many times In one senttnee the June bride-to-be can use the word " trous seau?" xxx Of course it will be a grand experience to ride In an airship, but half the pleasure will disappear when we realize that we are so high up that nobody can recognize us. xxx Helpful advice for the June bride: When Charles Augustus comes home thirty minutes late for din ner don't begin wall ing that he has com menced staying out late of nights, xxx Good advice Is all right, but there Is no greater help for a I've actually for- man who Is not acting properly than a good oldfashloned cussing, xxx The average girl Is willing to admit, and to argue, that love is a sacred and a solemn thlng-but at the same time she will keep count of the boxes of candy and bunches of roses. OST people know that uarwin claimed Han is descended from the monkey - That be he pompons, proud, and famed, Or bnt a fussy, fawning flunkey, Or dull, distracting, droning donkey, Or vastly wise and eminent, Or meek and mild or blunt and spunky, He is of simian descent. The Jest endures throughout all time, It never fades from humor's pages; Embalmed In sprightly prose, or rhyme, It helps the jokesmith make his wages; Based on these theories of sages Who trace the path of yon and me From Uonkeydom by easy stages, The "monk's" descent is from a tree. Monday mnrnlna- a man utilized an I. our and a half of our working time In telling us how his grandfather never would waste a minute In Idle talk. We think there Is nothing In heredity. Thursday a life Insurance agent blotted all the cheer out of our life with his argu ments about how suddenly death miHlit net n half Nelson on us. After he li ft we figured that all he cared about it was that we might die before he got a chance to collect a premium from us. When a man nods wlHely and talks about bow he sowed his wild oats when he was young you may si t it down that he was merely one of these theoretical farmers. The average person w ho goes out into the country to spend a day near to nature's heart puts In too much time asking when he can catch a train home. Yesterday morning a man started in to prove to us that Columbus did not discover America. Kven when we agreed with him two minutes after he hi can ni'Miiug, he kept right ahiad for fifteen minutes. Things like this set a fellow against Columbus. Sometimes people only find out the charges against a man when ne discovers that he has been vindicated and proclaims the fact. Borne of us have to back, slide occasionally to get any attention at all. Most children avoid the mistakes of their parents because they have no de sire to be considt red old fashioned. There are new styles In mistakes every month. Hope Is that expression with which a contributor to a prize story contest looks at the approaching postman. Disillusionment Is that which comes to the young man who marries the fair young thing who knows eighty cake recipes and cannot poach an tgg for his breakfast. Helpful thought for any body's graduation essay: Remember that while it may be hard to lift others up to your level, it Is al ways easy to drop to theirs. While you are pitying folks, pity the man who thinks repartee consists In wrenching double mean ings from Innocent re marks. The man with a boom la almost as badly off as the man who wants a boom but can't get one. It is Isn't necessary to understand a man's jokea you make the hit with him so lorg as you laugh at them. The world accepts you at your own measurement, usually, but always It makes you do the measuring with Its own tape line. SUMMER PRICES. 5 "Isn't It awn to get sho full. gotten where aboutsh I live." " rm worsh 'n zot, ole tel'. I've forgotten where sh'loons are." 7 DISCIPLINE. " But. madam," says the charitable millionaire, " If as you say you are starving and your children haven't any thing to wear, why do you not take advantage of my offer to supply you with funds sufllclont to relieve your desti-tution?" w, sir. responds tne poor woman, " my pastor says fj your money is tainted and I'm afraid that If we accept It we will be dropped from the roll of the church." I An Ideal wife Is a girl who is sweet enough to eat but vi who is smart enouirh to rook. Wednesday afternoon a man took up two hours of our time telling us why he doesn't believe the whafe swallowed Jonah. At this writ- BENEFIT OF EDUCATION. in "Hah," said Flimsy Francis, "I never seen no nse wastin' me time learnin' to read." "So?" acked Wise Waldo. "It's a fine t'ing to bo able to read de 'Help Wanted' column and den know what places to stay away from." Ins we are half In clined to think Jonah sought the retirement ef the inner economy of the whale to escape folks who wanted to argue religion with him. Mistaken Identity. "Hear about the blunder Hiltle rbod made while he and his wife were on their trip last week?" ' No." " You know the train goes through a long tunnel ov r in Virginia, and there were a number ef handsome women on the car. and wi:en the train was rushing through the tun ntl Hildi rbod " " Kissed one of those women?' " Kissed his own wife." Prescriptions and Poems. "After all." said the invalid, laying down his magazine and taking up the little slip the doctor had wrltttn, "you physicians are a great deal like poets." " In that we strive to make the world b t ter and happier?" asked the doctor. "Not exactly. Roth of you get paid fur writing things that nobody else can understand." Incompatibility. "Yes," says the artist, showing us his latest effort at depicting a landscape, "I am wedded to my art." " Well." we remark, with as much kind ness as possible, vie w irg the St Be rnard cow In the middle foreground with considerable Interest. " your art has good grounds for divorce." Cause and Effect. "See that man over there? Ever hear of tfca romance in his life?" "No. Who is he and what waelt?" " He is Winner Lcoie, and h won bis wife by a game of cards." " What does he do?" " Lectures on the 1 Evils of Gambling.' " . M . . After working years to gain the right kind of a reputation some men find it possible to get the wrong kind in ten minutes. COMMENT. The Man of 1805 The Man The Man of 1805 1 of 1855 " of 1905 ' NO MIDDLE COURSE. What outlandish earbl" : - I - if C7m'-"FJ!.-TUIU.Jul'. I don't want you to stint yourself, my dear," laid the gentle husbaid, kut at the same time you must not be recklessly extravagant. Try to adopt a middle course." But, my dear,' answered tbe fond wife, "unless woman Is terribly economical or terribly extravagant nobody takes any notice of her. And you wouldn't like to feel that your little wifey is a nonentity, would you?" A man can make flower beds with no other costume than an old shirt and a pair of overalls, but when a woman' begins puttering among the roses she has to have a specially made gown. This Is because nobody writes poems about men among the flowers. THE HELPFUL HUSBAND. Mr. Oittles came Into the library and smiled a smile of scorn at seeing his wife with a hammer In her hand. Quietly lie stood, tolerantly watching her while she struck a nail first on one side and then on the other, punctuating each blow with a feminine gasp of perturbation. "My dear." said Mr. Gittles, " that Isn't the way to drive a nail." "It Isn't?" she said, tartly, turning around nnd looking at him. " It Isn't? Did I say It was?, I didn't want to drive the nail." " Evidently not," he remarked, complacently, " If that Is the way you are going aUnit it. Let me have the hammer." " But I don't want to" "I never saw a woman yet who could drive a nail or a horse," asserted Mr. Gittles, who was facetious at times In his condescending way. " You ought to think of what you are doing, not of what you are going to do after you have done it." " I told you once that 1 wasn't going to " "Of course you weren't. Not If you went to werk that way. You couldn't drive a tack into a chunk of butter by such a method as that. Look here. This Is the way to drlva a nail." His wife folded her hands before her and regarded him with mute resignation while ha seized the nail between his thumb and first ringer of his left hand. As he raised the ham mer to strike she again wild: " You don't understand me. I wasn't trying tc " " No excuses are necessary, Mrs. Gittles. I am always only too happy to show yot how bo do these little tasks abemt the house. If you will notice, now, you should steady the nail thus, and hold the hammer tightly in the right hand. Keep your eye on the head of the nail, not on the hammer. Swing it back so as to give a direct blow upon the nail, and Ow! Oof! Ouch!" Mr. Gittles brought the hammer down smack on his thumb, dropped the hammer, poked the thumb In his mouth and danced about on one foot madly. His wife turned her head, being unable to view the scene without hla seeing her smiles. " Gurrooffsh pllsh mush oo ow ff f f f shs bbbbbbbb ow w w!" said Mr. Git tles, changing to the other foot without losing a hop. " Did you hurt yourself, my dear?" his wife asked, sweetly. The thumb came from between his lips und he roarnd: "Hurt myself? No. O, no! Not at all! Simply maimed my hand for life. Why don't you get some bandages and arnica and things to help me Instead of standing there liko a bargain sale lamp? Think I'm fatally Injured and you can put in your time counting up the accident insurance? Ooooo ow! w-w w bbbbb spf f f-f " The rest of his remarks we-re muffled by the replacing of the thumb In his mouth. Mrs. Gittles got a cloth and some arnica and bound up his thumb. Then, when he had quieted down and adjusted himself In the morris chair with one pillow under his hand and another under his head, she said gently: " I tried to tell you that I didn't want to drive that nail. I was trying to loosen it so I might pull it out of the wall." Hut Mr. Gittles merely looked at his bandaged thumb and glared. The Query Feminine. "What's your charge for this boat by the hour?' "Dollar an hour, sir, if I rots) it. And four dollars extra if I haVe to upset it so you can saVe the heiress from a Watery graVe." One reason why a man can get ready for church sexiner than a woman Is that he simply has to put on his hat ns a finishing touch to his attire, but she has to put on her hair and then her hat sometimes. A Drug on the Market. The two druggists stand and gaze at the new government building, the front of which Is adorned with the chiseled motto: " Magna est vt litas, et praevalet." " What is that Inscription?" asks the firs! druggist. " That's a prescription which nobody has ever tilled." How Foolish! Heard of the fun of Miitreis Lily Bha who was so in love with Willie 1 They had words now, waan't it silly I He got hot when the got chilly! For Rent. " Now," said the chronic bore, " I am an open minded man. I've always made It a rule of my life to" " Yes," interrupted the acute victim, " and I've often wondered why some idea didn't move into that open mind." His Gratitude. " But," we say to the man who Is narrating the troubles he had with his wife before he obtained a divorce, " there Is no creature so mean that we may not say something good about It. Think for a moment. Is there not even some little way In which you may think kindly of your ex-wife?" He cogitates for some moments, rubbing his head perplexedly, then suddenly his face brightens. " Yes," he says. " there Is one thlr.g I can say for her, begun growing In again." "My husband says he fell In love with his first sitfht of silk dress of mine." "Indeed? And who was wearing It?" Since she left me my hair has HER CREED. To put it bluntly, the lady Is skinny; but to be polite about It, we will describe her " svelte." Well, to get on with the story. She is telling about how hard she is working to acquire perfect knowledge of different dance steps. " Itut." argues her friend. " don't you think you would be wiser not to work so hard, but to take some health culturo treatme nt that will make you plumper?" "Ah," the svelte lady responds, " I believe In grace before meat." We have noticed that most authfrs merely say that their characters Indulged In spark ling repartee they never t)iiote the conversation. You may know you are In middle life when you btg:n to wonder how yi u ever could have wanted to run away with a circus. Any actor will tell you that It is his art which wins applause, but art does not an swer the curtain calls. Son. rhtcr up. If the girl says she will be a sifter to you. rhe is too oldfabhioned for you to want her, any how. It is said that more umbrellas are stolen from authers of detec tive stories than from any other clans. A REPROOF. -' '.''?i, 1 " Children, children," said the fond mama, "it la dis tressing to observe your lack of manners at the table." "Mama, mama," replied ths cblldrsn, "didn't yon tell ns yesterday it was bad manners to make remarks about other folks' manners t"