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About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (May 21, 1905)
The man who pad dle his own canoa Isn't half to indepen dent aa h who hr a man to run Ms own electric launch. The Top o the Mornin. &y W. D. JVesbit. Yes. and If you do not believe more than half of what ou hear, why do yon tell more than half of what you believe. ALL RIGHT. Ah. Mra. Diworie. you look tweet enough to eat this moraine." "To eatT 1? Why. Mr. Giddlet. I thought you were a vegetarian." "So I am. But you art a grati widow, you know." Followed Instructions. , " What on earth heve you been eating, Brown?" aska the doctor who haa been called In hurriedly at midnight. " What?" groans Brown. " You must have been eating something that was emi nently unfitted for your digestion. How many times have I told you to confine your bill cf fare to fruits and vege tables, and " " Look here. Doc. If I hadn't followed scientific sug gestions I wouldn't have had you rush over here tonight. First thing, I ate some apples and berries and nuts and raisins, because you said they were fine to bruin tin- day on. I was still hungry, so I tackled a grtipe fruit ami some early cantaloupe; then some nntmeal anu wheat and other grain preparations; for lunch I had spinach, dandelion, nut. cutlets, fruit salad, mire berries and plenty of whole wheat bread; then I was hungry rtils evening and ate plentifully of water cress, bananas, apples, nuts, spinach, k!ile, cab bage, potatoes, young onions, lettuce, radishes, cherries, tomatoes, and all the rest of the blood cooling, flesh mak ing, nerve building fruits and vegetables. Just the ones you have so constantly and consistently recommended to me. And now " But the doctor, lost In thought, was trying to figure out what sort of a dl'-t to put the man on. A LULLABY. The wolf at the door howled bnlefully all night long. But the man in the house slept peacefully until the morning. Then he went to the door to get the paper, and was confronted by the weary, hoarse wolf, whose endur ance had been exhausted. ' Oet off my steps," said the man. " Didn't It disturb you when I howled?" asked the wolf. " Why, no. My wife has taken the baby to visit her mother, and your howling made things so homelike and natural that I forgot my loneliness and slept the sleep of tlw Just." Strings and Things. Mi White. ttw 1r expert, tins nvmstrated that a Judicious rniminlrtr jwf-n of run t. tap, etc.. will trnfrtii the mom shatielta woman Into a thine of beauty 0, lady of the llstomt grace. Bow wondrouily you catch my eye Whan with your sweeping, stately pace You mova among the passersby. And yet, and yet, I may but sigh I make no rode, sarcastic flings Of powder puff, and rouge and dye. I only think of string! and things. If in my llnei I mention " lace " I do not mean the sort you tie But that which sometime! frame! your fact Or foami when skirti are lifted high Whore cronlngi never are kept dry. Ky mute li one who only sings Of lovellneis My fancy t Tie! I only think of itrlngi and things. This diillluilonment It base. Why ihould the faihton makers try To make us know of plant and place And purpose I Echo answers " Why V And otbr echoes so reply. Once women had angelic wings But now that thought Is knocked awry. I only think of strings and things IENVOI. Princess, the Sunday papers trace Tht process of your fashionings. Whost fault It it, with that the case, I only think of strings and things I Rather Wear Hats. " You shall be my queen for life," declares the accepted lover. " I shall crown you with a crown of " " But I don't wont to be your queen," in terrupts the fair young gyuil. ",No? Not my queen?" "No. You silly man. A queen gets a crown and has to wear It all her life. I'd rather be a woman and be able to keep up with the stylet in hats." Some Excuse. Lot's wife looked back her figure standi Where none of ut may gait upon It. Perchance the did not look at lands But at some other woman's bonnet. Fair Play. " Mr. and Mrs. Jlggson seem to be a happy couple, yet I understand that he keeps very late hours." " Yes. they have an agreement that he may stay out as late as he likes at night provided that she may talk as long as she likes about his lateness after he has come home." A Change of Program, THE IAMB'S ADVANTAGE. The gay and giddy lamb now sktpt And gambolt on the lea; " The wagon " would be making trlpt If it were you or me, Away Back. ' But," we ask of our friend who Is speak ing of the gentleman we met but yesterday, " Is he so terribly behind the times as you say he Is?" ' Behind the times? Say, he's never been operated on for appendicitis, and he Is just beginning to read ' The Simple Life." " AT HIS CONVENIENCE. " Vnat tiiil you jump into Je river for ? " asks Weary Walt er. " To wash me skirt," responds Lassitudinous Lewis. "Why didn't ye " " Because I'd 'a' had to tale it off an' put it on again," answers Lassi tudinous Lewis, anticipating th remainder of the query. Rule for a philanthropists In giving away your money avoid giving away how you got It. There are p e o p 1 e who might do really good work If It did not take all of their time pointing out the faukta In what others do. It hat been determined that a broken heart it never to fatal as a broken neck. Some men have no faith in men or women because they do not begin by having faith In themselves. Whether or not burning Hie midnight oil conducee to good work depends upon where you have event your time from twilight until midnight. The hoopsklrt is In style again. Will th thade of the late Mra. Bloomer be pa tient ? Itt time i coming. Our theory it that at toon at a man begfnt trying to decide at what age other men loae their ueefulnese to the world he hat reached the chloroforming yeart. We have a lingering dia trutt of the man who can laugh heartily at a Joke on himself. A man told unothrr that ' a friend would not take hit advice, and then the other told the man not to give advice and then the man was angry. Just about the time you fully recover from the ttrain of overdue Chrlttmat billt. Valentlnee day expenses, and spring clothes, comet something equal to all three In one the June wedding preaent. Frank Damsel. The youth is wroth. Ho shown signs of being on the vero nf doing Koinething desperate, nuii the fair young damsel who has broken it gently that alio rim never be more tlmu n kMit to him is perturbed. " Don't make- a fool of yourself." she urges. " Make a fool of myself?" he exclaims. " What do I rare what I make of myself? What light lias life for me now?" a " Hut you are unfair to me," she pleads. " I linve been looking for ward to the pleasure of making a fool of you, myself, anil now you are about to spoil it all." With half a doxen people starting out to find the North Pole and about fifty war correspondents coming home from Muuchuriit it begins to look as if the magazines would be supplied with articles for the next twenty year. A BIT PERSONAL. " I've got such a bad cold I bark all the time," said the elocutionist to the stage man ager of the vaudeville house. "Can't you leave my turn out today?" "No, but I'll make it easy for you. You go on with the educated dog, and let him read your stuff while you bark." Qualities That Appeal. With some surprise we listen to the beau tiful girl's statement that she Is going to marry old man Richerette. " But you told us." we argue, "that you considered him as the dirt at your feet." " So I did," she blushes, twirling the huge solitaire ring he .has given her. " Sn I did. hut donto you know he wouldn't take ' No ' for an answer and finally I grew to admire his sand and his rocks." Man. He will not tptdt a flower bed: That It too much but wait. He'll tptdt an acre plot instead For wormt to use for bait Still on the Free List. "The world grows worse nnd worse." moans the pessimistic patriot. " Everything teems lo be in the hands of some controlling Inter est. Is there anything In the wide, wide world that Is still free to us?" "O, my. yes," answers the optimist. "There are two things that are free. One Is air and the other is advice." More than That. She hat artificial roses on her hat; Her blush is very coy and shy and meek But here It may be noted, at to that, She's artificial roses on her cheek. The Parson's Mistake. The earnest minister, having announced a sermon especially prepared for the women, is gratified at seeing the church well rilled with them. In the hope of showing them the foolishness of modern fads he talks for an hour on the folly of fashion and the sense lessness of style, mentioning different things by way of Illustration. Mr. and Mrs. Fadoogus. on their way home, are discussing the services. " The preacher certainly scored a lot of good strong points In that sermon," com ments Mr. Fadoogus. " Bosh," scornfully replies Mrs. Fadoogus. ' If he thinks that sermon will have any effect he is making the mistake of his life. Why, It was perfectly useless." " Useless?" " Yes. He didn't preach about a single thing that wasn't so far out of date not a woman in town would be seen wearing it." Helped Business. The First Amazonian artillery had gone into action. The gunners load un,l f.re with ceaseless energy. The lady colonel rides up to usK: " Why do you fire so rapidly and so recklessly? Don't you know that It costs the country a hundred dollars each time you fire a gun?" . "J ! " Yes, colonel," answers one of the lady gunners. " but the ammunition manufacturers are giving trading stamps now." Ahal " Beware." we say to the beauteous chorua ' .. .1. . ... t .... ..,.. . , t that jgyurl. ueware aciiti"10 v young man of wealth. Remember the say ing about the moth and the flame." Yes," she titters, "but isn't It natural for a moth to want the chance to get into a sealskin coat?" AN ARGUMENT THAT FAILED. i Your father says I am too young to have you," says the young man, " and, besides, he says 1 am too much of an unknown to aspire to a union with one of his name." "And what did you say ?" "I told him if I became engaged to you my picture would be in every paper in the country within a week, but that didn't seem to convince him very much." BALANCED EMOTIONS, " I don't see why yon look so displeased with this new bonnet," said the fond wife. " Ton look as cross as Hrs. Hnmpln did when she learned that she could not get it at the store because I had guilttu auoau ui uor. "And you," said the brutal husband, "you look as happy as Mr. Humpin must leeiwhen ne learns ne aoesni.nave to pay tor mo thing after all." 'J GOOD WORK. " You will become the wife of a famous man." says the fortune teller. j " But I don't want to be the wife of a notable, and be unheard of all the time for that ' reason." "Ah, miss," explains the soothsayer, "your husband will be famous only because he has such a beautiful wife." With a pretty smile of deprecation, the damsel inadvertently pays the fortune telle twice his usual fee. An Alphabet of JoRes IS the Little Brother quip And really, most folks believe, The only woman who escaped The Little Brother pest was Eve. The Little Brother bangs aronnd Within the parlor or the ball And makes embarrassing remarks When sister's bean has come to call. Uncounted aggravating things The Little Brothers say or do And, seriously, we may say That aU the L. B. Jests are true. Example? Little Brother says: "It's bard to tell, sir, when yon go, We don't bear sister say : ' Just one,' Like she does to her other bean." Answers for the Anxious. Modern Soelal Requirements. "Ten engagements fur this evening?" inquired the hus band. " IX) you think you can till all of them?" "Easily enough," it plies the wife. "I shall send my Jewels to the opera, my French bonnet to Mrs. Swellupp's, my last year's ball gown to Uncle Jedediah't family dinner, nnd distribute others of my costumes ami tig the rest of the places. Then, while they are on exhibition. I shall get Into a comfortable wrapper and get a good loaf here at home for once." Knew tils Business. " Senator." say his secretary, " Hhall 1 transcribe that list of appointments you want made in your district, and tend It in for approval before you go home?" " Not much, young man. Just put that list In the afe and keep It there until I come hick. Pon t you suppose 1 want to have a receDtlon committee to meet me at the train, and to be the object of general public welcoming and felicitation when I regch home?" i con t0 m$st1f In tVtrp lint I britt" dtclarid tht driamg author. "What do goM toritt oaf A mirror?" atktd th disttrming Uomtn. Interested the Judge. " Your honor," said the plaintiff In the divorce proceed ings. " I charge cruel and Inhuman treatment. My hus band hypnotised me into thinking that, my last season t , bonnet u Just the thing for this spring." " He did?" asked the Judge, looking sternly at the de fendant. " My man, come here. The court will speak lo you privately." Wonderingly the defendant came to the bench, when the Judge aaid: Bay. old fellow, put me next. I've got a wife and four daughters." Platitude, child. Is U.at material from which the average claaa tong la cut. One War or the Other. " If you would make a success of offleeholding," says the first politician, "you must keep your finger on the public pulse." " Tel," agreed the second, " or else keep it In the public purse." Convenient " Mr. Spuddsgott," asks the bailiff, " can you appear aa a wit ness t morrow in the case of that man who Is accused of stealing your umbrella ?'' " Let me aee," muses Mr. Spuddsgott. " Vet. It will be con venient for xr. to be at the court houre tomorrow, at I nnd that I have to go there anyhow to twear off my taxes." A 8ACI NUMBER. "Pllneyville la a quaint little jpot," taya the tourist. " None of the latterday Innovttlont have ever gotten a foothold there." . " It that tor' Inqulret a listener. " Tea. Why. the folks down there actually boast that they are htvtng aa old fashioned spring." Quit the Same. " The mutlo publisher! of Lon don," taya the man who reads the cable ditpatchet. " have agreed not to publish any new popular music this year." " None of it it new," comments the man who attend! the theater. PEARLIE One of the bent ways to straighten a pug nose Is to attach a five pound weight to the end of the none and let it hang there for a day and a half. x IIOSTKS8 No, you should not put th- shells of English walnuts In the salad. Who ever told you to put the nuts In wholo must have been Indulging In a pleasantry at your expense. You should crack the nuts and extract the kernel. Use a nut cracker. Neat and serviceable articles of this description may now be obtained for a nickel; besides, cracking nuts with the teeth is apt to damage them DOUBTFUL DANIEL We do not often consent to give advice In love affairs, but yours seems to bo unumial. If. as you say, the girl laughed merrily while her father was kicking you down the front steps it may Indicate that she was assuming hilarity In order to conceal her true feelings from her father. Again, it may indicate something else. Tou should ask her to tell you plainly and frankly why she laughed. POLKA DOT-Freckles are hard to get rid of. It is painful, if efficacious, to cut them out with a knife. Perhaps as good a plan as any la to color the face with a pigment the same hue as the freckles. TENDERHEARTED You exhibit a noble spirit In insisting that your husband chlo- oform the angle worms before he uses them as bait. We can only suggest that you go a step farther and compel him to anesthetize the flxh before he permits It to take the hook. He could easily do this by lowering a amall sponge saturated with ether before the nose of the fish. Ho walked In 1!XX). X wins the bale A. It wat In that Bryan ran for president. of hay. SKINNY To broaden the shoulders walk briskly to the nearest dry gooda store or lsdles tailoring establishment and secure the necessary filling. niDDY writes, asking us to suggest something absolutely novel and unconventional as a disguise for a masque party. A fetching costume is made with a spoonful of horse radish and a piece of rye bread, the wearer representing a Wienerwurst. A SUBSTITUTE. " Is there much demand for health foods down here?" we ask of Ool. Lyourgut hackum of Tennessee "Health foods?" be echoes, remlniscently. "Well, auh, lemme see now; teem to me I do recall somethin' about some such a thing." Tho colonel stirs the mint mixture in his glass thoughtfully, nodding from time to time , at his memory brings up the Inci- Little Henry s siate. 'VC uVf fJJS Ivan i-zwiw. r?rOl I dents he it trying to recall. " O, yet," he remarkt. " Tet, tun, about a yeth an' a half ago thah wat a man Cora somewhalh came down heah an' tried to ahgue that a mint Julep might be made Just as well and Just at palatable If hahd cldeh wat uted Instead of the natural foundation." "And what tuccett ' did he have?" " It It my Impression that he telegraphed f'ora Cincinnati or tome euch place atklng that hit baggage be tent to him by freight." Every day tt commencement day In the tchool of experience.