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About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (April 16, 1905)
V The greatest fact or In Reform In W hat Other People Think, not What You Think. The Top' o the Mornin. By W. 2). JSTesbit It takes a travel ing r:an to tell how M hub:7nJ ought to spend every even ing at home. UNAPPRECIATED COURTESY. "T!ll me why Miss Certnage is at outs with ber old friend, Mrs. fclunderly." 'Haven't you heard? Mrs. Blunderly very generoualy offered to give a birthday dinner in honor of Miss Certnage, and stated which birthday it wasintended to celebrate." The Astute Statesman. ' I think," said the astute statesman, "that I shall Introduce a bill providing that two and two shall make Ave instead of four." " But," urged the other, " that will not make twe and two make five. The turn will still " "Who cares fur that?" asked the states man. " It'll make my picture go Into every newspaper In the- country within a week. If a man treads the glorious path of fame he's got to keep before the public sonic way." THE PASSING 6F THE PRESENT. If you have given her a vais. The parlor soldi It for awhile P'erchtnce It has an honored place Until she learni 'tie not the ityle. Next time yon call. It li aot there. Do not give way to Jealous gloom Nor shroud your heart la deep despair, For It Is In the farther room. There tt may hold s pedestal For something like s week or two; Then (dusting day) It finds the hall Upstairs, and lingers there on view Until the maid has aired the beds; Then for a ttms Its travels cease It stands between two plaster heads That wabble on the mantel pleoe. Out of the bedroom ia good time; Into the spare room for a week; Next It must make its final climb An attlo resting place to seek. And there, where hoopsklrts, hats and stays And old and battered trunks ara oast, Tour vase in dusty silence lays The present's tribnte on the past. SHE KNEW HER SEX. What Was the Use? There was mice a man who said that he would show his wife how to clean house; that he could do It In half the time and with half the troublo she could. He would do It. ho said, for t.ie sake of avoiding the annual upheaval and disturbance in their home. And she dared him to do it. So he pitched In and took up carpets and beat them, and mopped floors and washed windows, and dusted picture and cleaned cupboards and he finished the work in less than half the time she took to do it. Hut It availed naught. For she went all over the house after he had fin ished, taking up carpets and taking down pictures and clearing out cupboards, to see If he had dine the work properly. Even when a reformer accomplishes anything his accounts have to be audited. There are not so many people leading the Simple Life now, but there are a whole lot more talking about why others should lead It. Properly Located. " You write: ' The afterdeck bristled with frowning guns,' " said the editor to the re porter who had been told to write an ac count of the naval conflict from cabled weather reports. " Yes, sir," timidly agreed the reporter. " Well, why do the guns frown on the after decks? Don't they frown all around the ship?" " Possibly so, sir. But I thought naturally they would frown on the afterdeck, that be ing the stern part of the ship." 1 Result ol Environment. There was once a Good Little Boy. He never played hooky from school, or stole rides on street cars, or threw rocks at policemen, or pulled pickets off fences, or made faces at his betters. This was because he lived away In the middle of Africa Where there were no schools, nor street cars, nor policemen, nor betteTs j v '- ! 'An Alphabet of JoKes 'But I can't see," Baid the littlest girl, "why the prince had to search so long to find the girl that could wear the little glass slipper." "So he might marry her, of course," explained the biggest girl. " But if she had such a small foot as that she would be sure consequently ne escapea tming held up as tQ ua cmrainine her ankle everv few minutes " a Oood Example to his little playmates. to DO sPrauunS "er an&ie every lew minutes. THE QUARREL. " What's the quarrel between you and the manager of that theater?" asks the friend of the dm inn tic critic. ".Inst a dispute whether or not 1 shall attend the performances in hit house." " lias lie forbidden your entrance? " " So. But he claims that I've got to sit through the show." IS the sweet Olrl Graduate Irresolute, Irrational, Demure, distracted, and sedate The bon mot educational. The world Is gaping at ber feet While she goes on Instructively In words well chosen, fit, and neat, With morals drawn deductively. "Beyond the Alps" yon know the rest Oi her work oratorical By north, or south, or east, or west She preaches as an oracle. And yet and yet commencement day From time all Immemorial To the Girl Graduate will stay A day and date sartorial I Affinities. "They should marry." says the thoughtful person, speaking of the young couple, ! there is anything in the law of oppositcs." " nut they are blondes, and sei-m to have the same disposition." " Not n.ulto. lie gi ts angry In an Instant, but Is over It as soon, while she can for give immediately and lose her temper again Just as quickly." ' DELIGHTED THEA1. "After I had sung my number," says the so prano, " the audience cheered wildly. I went on the stage and bowed pret tily and shook my head as if to say I wouldn't sing any more, and then the audience simply deafened me with their applause." " And did you sing again?" asks the alto. " No; the stage manager went out and told the au dience I positively could not give another number as my throat waB troub ling me. And then " . "And then, of course, the audience cheered more than ever." HERALDRY. " Did you hear about Mr. Strukore?" " No. What's he been doing?" " Getting Into society. His latest freak notion was to buy a cage of mon keys and set it up In his receptifffi hall." " You don't say. Buy ing ancestors, eh?" NOT GUARANTEED. " He seems to be a man of considerable polish, but some, way or other he doesn't wear well." " No. His Is sort of a patent leather polish." RRECXION. HITCHED UP. " JcU," said tbe Utile boy to the donkey, I like you. 1 like you almost as much as mama does papa, and I heard ber tell him yesterday that be was the blagest donkey In town." Correcting the Legend. "Huh!" sniffed the man with the astute eye, looking up from the pages of " I.e Morto d'Arthur." "What Is It?" asked his wife. " Some of these writers had better get their facts mralght," he commented. " What Is it, dear?" " Why, this fellow says that King Arthur's sword was Exeullbur. Any fool knows that cali ber refers to guns! Huh!" The Simple Life? " Ah," sighed the rabbit to the spring lamb, " how I envy you! Yonder conies a poet who will write beautiful verses about you." V "Yes?" murmured the lamb, preparing to skip swiftly over the hills, " but behind him there comes n butcher who Is flgurfng on how high the price of lamb chops ought to be." Miss Newtfurl seems very tfiddy this evening. Is this her first large dance?" N 'Yes: and then she is wearing her first long train that makes her headlight." Getting ft Back. The literary worker arose from the poker table, having lost his last dollar on a flush that seemed Invincible until some one showed a full hand. " Well, you fellows have got twenty-five dollars of my money," he said, wit h a smile, "I'll say this for you," remarked one of the players, " you're a good loser. Not many men would be so cheerful over dropping twenty-five." "That's all right. I'm going to write an article en the evils of gambling and sell It for fifty. Then I'll be ahead of the game." Every Little Helps. " I think my oldest boy has the making of a great humorist In him," says the man with the pickle nose. "That so?" asks t lie man with the onion eyes. " Yes. Why, say, he can spell n great deal worse than Josh Billings ever could." NOT A SCIENTIFIC PROBLEM. "Yes, he's a great matin matician." said the man with the Incandescent whisktrs, speaking of the friend lie had gone to see on the south side. " He even told me how many Inches it was from here to the moon, and how long It would take a man to go there, pushing a wheelbarrow ahead of him and stopping one minute at ti e end of each mile to rest his hands." "He did?" ai-ked the man with the over shot Adam's apple. " Yes, but he ain't so much on practical figures, after all." " No?" " No. When I asked him what car lines I should use to go from his house to the cat le barns north of Lincoln park he had to call In hla ten year old son to give me the route." For the Amateur Gardener. Flowers require plenty of air Any moans that Insure s a fre e t il -i illation eif the atmosphe re alou. ti i ir beds is bene lh lal to the ex 'vim. For this reason w-dpn-i ..it !he u ol the mosquito canopy o t r tin m. Some of the b'st expert." advn- .iti 1 1. :iiting the Mowers In an old f.ishioiud four poster bed. thu. pi minting a clival. itlon of the air ui.di r their roots. However, this li is Its disadvantages, as it neces sitatis climbing four or five stips to pluck the bliwsems. - The bugaboo of " night air " lias long since Ik en exploded. I'o no' hesitate to leave "ur (lowers out over right. Pin l tuck the m in will and Inure t lie ill to clia nges ot li n:pi rature. - - Flossie R: Get a small can of ..hiuld sliver paint at any paint store', aiel sprinkle your ilowrr Ixel with a solution of it. This will probabl provMe' the silver foil wrapping about the stems of the blossoms for boutonnlercs. To keep the children from railing up the growing plants, sink a heavy iron beam about two fret below the surface, attach chains and hooks by rive ts to the roots of the plants, and padlock the other end of the chain to the Iron lit am. Kit lace the earth as it was anil you will be delighted uvi-r tlie success of your effort to dissuade the children from de stroying your garden. It Is not generally known tha e hickins may easily be stopped from scratching up a garden bed of vegetables or flowers. The pro cess Is so simple that the wonder is it ,ls not In general practice. Take the offending chicken by the legs, rift Its body on a box ir heavy block. Smooth the neck out gently until it is In a straight horizontal posture on the block, then strike the chicken Just back of the head with a sharp hatchet or ax. The same purpose Is accomplished by holding the chick en by the head and twirling the body rapidly from rlgh to left. Those who have found mowing tin1 lawn a tiresome task are advised to try this experiment: Take a bright, new doila: and offer It to a large, strtitm colored man if lie will push tne lawn mower back and forth until he has covered the yard wl'li clipped grass. Remove the colored labels from tomato cans be fore plant! ii: them. Then your crop uf canned tomatoes will have a uniforr.' silver appearance and their clinking In the breeze will not be deadened by the paper labels. ft THE MODERN STAR. "I will have me pound of flesh! " eh clarcd Shylock, whetting his knife on his boot, while expectant shivers went through the audience. " And If you have your way about it." said the envious actor. In a stage whisper! " you'll have It fat. . Noth ing but a fat part for you." l!ut the star was In the center of the stage, Joying In the spotlight. STRANGE SIQHtTaND SOUNDS. One day I saw dining car That kicked about Its board; Again I saw a sleeping car, And fearfully it snored. But strangest of all things I know Is this strings thing I tell: One afternoon not long agr I beard a college yell. An Eye for Business. " The management of Selle m & Suitem are certainly enterprising," said Mrs. ShoppcnsJiop to Mrs. Look-en-look. " Yes, they do have so many bar gains," agreed Mrs. Lookcnlook. "But It Isn't that, altogether. Yesterday afternoon, for Instance, I got caught In a bargain counter rush there, and five women fainted. Do you know, before they recovered consciousness, one of the floorwalk i rs approached and put Into the hand of each of them a circular announ cing special rates in hartshorn and smelling salts In the drug department." THEIR FIRST QUARREL. The bride and groom were walking down the aisle. Suddenly the bride burst Into tear. "Why do you weep t" asked the groom "I am thinking," she whispered, "of how tad I shall feel whon wo have our first quarrel." "You'd bettor smile," advised the groom. "Think how glad you will feel wlien you have made me acknowl edge It was all my fault." Just about tills time It begins to seem to be about as many days to Easter as It Is dollars to an Kafter bonnet. The man who found the first he put lea about a month ago Is now able to sit up and enjoy ills first seiiiare meal since his Inflammatory rheuma tism commenced. If It cost a dollar an hour for t lie privilege of hoi ing potato s. and the re were a special costume for the sport, golf would soon be forgotten. " ANXIOFS " writes to ask what Is the dilTe re -nee between a trade and a profession. Any work at which a silk bat may be worn Is a profession. One thing that handicaps the mod ern youth in his struggle for fame and success semis to be the scarcity of line knots for illuminating his mid night sludlcs. Oood advice wouldn't pester a man so much If he didn't know It was an echo of what Ms conscience has been shouting at him. ONE DISADVANTAGE. JJrrk henry's lare. f f ? "J In the Future. " Ah," sighed the man. beating his brow, " here ure hills for spring hats uiid dresses for my wife aril e'; i fli ters; here are bills for new runs and curtains; here are bills for papej hanging and painting; here an bills for spring medicines; here are-o. what's the use of running through tliem? " Moodily he studied the floor for a tpace, and then, with u forced luuh. grow led : " And I'm the follow that eloped In ordir tu avoid paying my delin quent bachelor taxes! " If you want some one to laugh at all our Jokets, choose a wein;i n w lio bus beautiful leelll HIS LONG MEMORY She Screamed, " I told him," says tbe girl with the dimpled cheek, " that If he dared to kiss me I would screum and papa would hear It, too." " And did he dare?" " Y-yes." " Iiut did yon scream?" " Of course, but papa thought I was trying that high C In the urla I have been practicing this past week." The discovery of a scientific name and one or two genus of laziness has enabled sev eral people to put on aim of importance while loafing. "Yes," said the citizen to the stranger, "here is our oldest inhabitant." "I suppose," said the visitor to the oldest inhabitant, "that you can remember a great many unusual things." "Indeed, yes," responded the o. i, "I can remember lota of things that happened so long ago I rtally have forgotten them.' "I wish we h-.dn't come to this cummer resort to tatly In th saason," aim mused, "fthat't the use ot having ail my nice now elothes, with nobody to atinilra them? I bszln to leal Ilka a irie." Most single women say they wouldn't marry t lie- best man In the we.rld, and mosi married women know they didn't. When n woman finds that three bnxi s of 10 cent cigars cost as much .is a spring bonnet she biglns to think her husband's health Is being affected by the tobacco. Mother Nature s the only woman w ho lie Vi r change s style s. lie r apple blossom.- ure of the same old shade and pattern. - - To the coining young man gradual ; The world may yet be coniutnd, but It cannot be taike d Into submission. Now Hint our schools ure teaching girls to d: h e- rails anil boys to sew . n buttons the re Is at le ast I, ope that 1 1 e l.oiise holils of the future may be pi .n fill. A great genius has arlsin. lie ha. writtin u light opera love roi g which doe g not eon tain t lit lire : " Vour i j e an us true as the Mais above." - - Win n w e si e all the foolish things in. show windows we uri-ti mptid to grow sarcastic, ur.tll we rillict that mm make those things. .( a man thlnki t h be fort breukiaM so Is he. if IT