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About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (March 26, 1905)
Again, It In toler mhly easy to have tha courage of an other man's con y let Ions. The Top os the Mornin y W. TP. Nesbit Frequently, also, the object of char Ity auffereth long from well meant remarks. AN OFFER AND A CHALLENGE. "De lady back dere offered me two whole pies if I would split some wood." "An' did you take 'em ?" "Naw. Her husband come out an bet me a dollar I couldn't eat de two pies an' live long enough to split de wood." FAIR WARNING. "My father thinks I am too young to marry." ''Yea, and if you let him Influenoe you this thing will keep on until some day everybody else will think you are too old to marry." A. CRUSHER. We pause to watch tho operation of hoisting the twenty ton safo to the eleventh stoi y of the skyscraper. " Good advertising, that," says a man, pointing to the placard of the manufacturers on the rafe. ' Think so?" asks another man. " Sure. Look how many people are reading that sign." " Forget It. Kverybody here is waiting In the hope that that snf ; will fall and knock a hole clear into the center of the earth." FUNDAMENTAL. Tho little body of colonists Is forming the new government " Here," says one of tho leaders, " is a draft of a constitution that 1 desire to submit for your consideration." " O, what's the use of It?" asks another. " Why can't we get along without a constitution?" ' Without one?" rrles the first patriot. " Why, man alive! If don't have a constitution, there will be no excuse for a Supreme conn to listen to arguments from lawyers that certain statutes are uneon htitutional. Leave out the constitution, and you Immediately do nwnv with the entire legal profession. We will huvo no one to make our political speeches." Crushed and convinced, th" other takes his seat. THE AjXNUAL TEH.'R.OR. We sec the man sitting moodily on his steps. Thinking to hand on! some cheer t a sorrowing brother, we stop and say: " It 1b a lovely day." ' Is It?" ho asks, without looking up. " Tea. All nature Is in tune." "Is she?" " Yes. See how the tender llttlo shoots of green are flashing out from the boughs of the trees." Uh." " And the delicate blades of grass are springing from the brown soil as if old mother earth wore laughing In her delight that the winter Is over and gone." " Is that so?" " Ves. All the world and all the sky Is glad. Why should not man also be happy? This Is the time of year for t ho lifting up of the heart for the whispers of song in the brain, for the reveling In the hailing cries or the birds and In the flaunt- Dust Unto Dust. " The gown itself Is made of pavement gray broadcloth." Fashion Note. My lady't gown a wondrous thing, Ii made pf pavement gray; Hud-spatter lace for garnishing Runt up the skirt half way, Ths collar it a rigid stock Made out of toot-marked stuff ; Smoke, such as pourt from every block, - Hat dyed each natty cuff. Her feet beneath her petticoat Feep forth like little mice A goodly ttore of mud they tote (Mud mauve it very nice). Her waist her garment's waist, we mean Shows wrinkle, fold and create Bedecked with tpreading, smudgy tbeen Of elevator greate. Her skirt hem blends In harmony With shading! of her gown It gets the crossing-black, you tee, While the goet throngh the town, I do not tay that ths it worth In gold or gemt her weight I value her (restrain your mirth). At to much real ettate. Tho difference be tween bachelors and married men la that married men have somebody to scold because their button are off. You wouldn't sing " Hocked in the Cra dle of the Lieep " so often If you knew what an elevator ffect It pi ves your Adams's apple. Between the Fren zied Finance and the Frenzii d Kinansw ear ers the avi rage maga zine reader is begin ning to w'ondcr w hat has become of his favorite old articles on the north pole. a But sometimes when you walk to save car fare you miss by two minutes an engage ment that might have resulted in considera ble loss to you. Day before ycsteT day we met a man w ho w hen a boy at school, could recltet glibly all that was meant by " alhiuot parts." The odd part of it is that he remembers that whole page of the arithmetic to this day. ENCOURAGING EXAGGERATION. t "1 hate to do this," muttered the frog, nimbly escaping the bill of the stork, "for like as not this fellow will go home and tell all hia friends about catching a frog as big as a houBe, that got away from him." A woman somewhere has had to have her legs amputated because she wore high heeled shoes. However, it will be easy for the artificial leg people to put high heeled shoes on the cork limbs she may buy. Not What Wets Wanted. " What's become of Pusher?" asks the first man. " 1 thought, the last time I saw him, that lie had a great scheme for tunneling the streets of the city and making an independent fortune." "So he bad," answers the second, "but some how or other he ran the business into the ground." Along about this time of the year It is well to remember that if you spare the rod you need not necessarily spoil the fish story. His Mistake. " Well." we say to our friend, whin he appears with sleepy eyt s and a general air of depression, " you certainly look like a bird." For some moments he makes no reply. Evidently he is turn ing the matter over In his mind. At lust he ays: ' I guess I am a bird all right, only I have not correctly classed myself. 1 was a Jay, but 1 went out for a lark." It Is Just as enter taining to a woman when you do not un derstand he r " No " as when you do not understand her " Yes." Observing the Season. " My dear young lady." says the ear nest reformer, who has found his way back of the scenes. " let me ask of you why you wear such abbreviated cos tumes." " Well, sir." replies the chorus girl, " you know this is Lent, and I have concluded to avoid the temptation to wear costly dresses and other expensive articles of apparel." Before the eminent reformer cat frame an argument in reply a stago hand has shoved him behind a stage setting rep- senting a ducal palace. The Baffled Doctor. The patient, a stranger In the city, lies on a cot and babbles ceaselessly about money, autos, stock, and bonds. Above him bends the physician, carefully noting each symptom. " If this fellow Is delirious." muses the practi tioner. " he simply has a bad attack of Indiges tion; If he is talking sanely about all this wealth, then he has appendicitis, with other complications." HAD DONE HIS "BEST. A .irw IS! IfeJr ,ir -- ' j;vv ,rrvV':. '.vr-j. r,. v. i, v j va J esse ;: ' "To think," said the aggrieved blife, "that after hating been married for forty years I should catch you in a lie. I thought you Here a model husband." "'But, my dear," said the repentant husband, "haVen't I made a pretty good record in keeping yon in the dark, for forty years?" A Substitute. asks the first friend, looking with disapproving eyes upon the That ten dollar bill 1 let you have a month ago Most of us put friends to observe. up framed axioms for our The man with a for it. hobby never gets any hopples FABLE OF THE AUTHORITATIVE LION. " Not keeping Lent?' other. " No," replies the other, resentfully. is keeping lent enough to suit me." Its Handicap. " Why are you so busy?" asks the ant 1' the lei hworm. " I have always been a bo I of Industry, but you are wdontly trying to make a lecord." synv mil "1 am have to cover An Alphabet of JoRes 1 " " Not xactlv that." cxidai'is the inch IX I on 111 ' sands . f lliii'. and as a result I YV heretofore.' fCA.VVM' MM I . J I s cg only trying to leave my footprints twelve limes as much ground as There was once a Wise Lion which made a Living by writing Sapient Articles on House and Home. The Wise Lion one time made an Immense Hit by means of a Learned Treatise on the Subject of How to Hatch Out Eggs without Setting on Them. Strange as It may Seem, when the Wise Lion sauntered about Among the Nests and Complained be- Is the Dog joke. There be three: One is the bark upon the paa, The second is the irightened tree. The tree was not scared at the dark It tells its fright in this remark : "The hunter said the dogwood bark!" Bnt as the second leads the first, The third is oftenest rehearsed The quip abont the wiener wnrst. The Dog observed some sausage links k .. .1 iM ftnAi41fin tfion ti a afirtnlra -Zfy "My longlost brother I" so he thinks. IT WORKED. eyes, " my wife got a lot of fashion papers and i. She liguied it all out that she was going to save ? 3B J of the flowers that moral : x- .mivinnginto its own again." 0 " Is II ?" J " Yes. This Is the time for " J " Say, young fellow," he interrupts nus, when a loud whacking and slap plng from the backyard begins. J "Say, young fellow, I haven't any I doubt that you are telling the truth about the anenrlno- nf Ihn vrnw the shooting of the leaves and the hailing of the birds and the flaunting of the flowers, but I merely wish to cite to you the further fact tnat this is also the time of the year for spring housecleanlng " Noting that a sudden cloud has blotted the fair face of the sun we pass along, rumi bating silently upon the hollowness of life even in its gladdest aspects. NO ENJOYMENT. " Poes your wife enjoy good health?" asks the old friend. " Not very much," answers the other old friend. " You know she would rather have the excuse to sit around and describe her symptoms and tell all about her aches and pains " yng of the first cause the Fowls were not Following his Instructions he was set upon and Hissed off the Place. When Minding other People's Business, it Is Best to stay away from their Shop, HIGH ENOUGH. "Poes she sing high?" we ask of the manager of the celebrated prima donna who Is about to be booked for our town. 'High?" he asks. " Well, it all depends -on how you look at it." " How's that? " " She insists on five hundred dollars a performance." That Ended It. "Did you stop at every saloon on the line of march?" " No, sir. Wo enly stopped at the first one." MIGHT HAVE KNOWN IT. NO FRIEND OR HIS. 1) I hear tbat you saI4 I was the blQCs)t fool la town. "No, sir, I did not. I do not credit you with enoagn Ingenuity to take lront rank In any profession." mm :ZL m 111 " II maSZlfirs. jmiM W '1. sir aren't there times when you get so Biury for folks about six thousand miles away that you lorget about the pool family dowr the allty ? We are not so much in-ce-nsed against folks who create fashions as we are against those who mak things go out of style. We seem now to he in the tw ilight of the uay of the Jokes tbat father used to tell abou the pies that mother u s e d to make The balloon sleeve 'a coming back this summer but there are some of us who fctlll rerall how they looked. ' HOW " Yes." savs the man with the sad patterns and made hrr own spring dr. a lot of money." " And did she? " asks the man with the expectant air. "Did she? Say, It worked Just like building a house by one of these sets of plans and specifications for erecting a four thousand dollar home for two thousand." Fiat Poetry. " Here's another of those flat poets," sas the where-the-tnan-fell editor to the diagrani-of-thc-fuKitive's-roule editor. " I'Mat poet? " " Yep. lb re's a poem in which the nuthor has decided that ' grand Jury ' will rhyme with ' Manchuria.' " : ESTHETICS. " I?ut," says May to Flossie, " 1 do not see what makes you think Mr. flusher ir Infatuated with me." "My dear, its the way he pronounces your name, lie makes it sound as though it were spelled ' Mae." " THEY INTERFERED. And so she has turned me down cold I 'Ah, how sad I feel!" "Huh. I told you Ions ago she wtfuld make a monkey out of you." DIAGNOSIS. Now, there's Jlggerby," says McFoodle. "I never could understand why that miti Is so white llvered. Actually, he seems to be utterly lacking In nerve." " O. there's a reason for It," replies Fiddltag. " I suppeise there is. Hut it is surprising to me to see him always only half hearted, lit hasn't any backbone at all." " Maybe the man's ill." " 111? Why, he simply ian't half a man. That's " "Of course he isn't If he's white livered, half hearted, hasn't any backbone, and has no nerve, he must be In bad shape.'' There are plenty of opportunities. Pon t worry about the onu you miss. The bi 1 1 ones are still ahead Sometime s we gi t o. exasperated will, others that we wish hey might be left alone with our con science. If you can read one Of these framed "symphonies" be fore breakfast with out scowling, dear reader, you have started in on a Joy ous, gladsome day. IIIK PHIOE. " It seems to me that Mrs. Hillgum is inordinately proud of her husband." ob serves the first ptr lon. " I should say she Is," replies the other. Tou'd think the won him at a card party, ths war ah brag ubout him." L g jfV SR''.',:!f'-,fr4' fWviifll "itjt ml'' i i I In li i Ii M m f I o i ' ii"' ' . ' ' . v;--,.v .: 'V' c,:'.-.X -J'-y,i-'itr v4,' .' i-v i - "Ah, darlinr." said Romeo, "is it not blissful to be here, all, all alone, surrounded by the poetry of nature, and " "Pardon me," asked the poet who was lying back of the bench and trying to compose a sonnet to the moon, "but would you mind going on home and permitting me to think of some other rhyme than 'spoon' for moon' ? "