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About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (March 19, 1905)
In these taring bonnet days the two-headed women must be an object of envy. The Top o the Mornin9.- Ry W. 2). JSTesbit. Some folk i never lose an opportunity to tell you about op port unit les yon have lost. FEARS FOR THE FUTURE. Th March if Surgery. In time we became a nation of baldheaded men. Rut why? Wi ll, the surgeons kept nn finding out that we were equipped with use-Ires things. The appendix, the tonsils, the spleen, the little toe nnd so forth wore removed one by one. And at length It win demonstrated that It was simply a waste of time for a mnn to have hair to cuml). .With the renVvnt of scalps begin the real work of openly skinning the patient. MIGHT 00 THAT. Joyous Childhood. Sprint comei with her nodding blouomi And tephyrs that wildly frolic And Johnny gets over the chilblains In time for green apple colic "Isn't it noble of the heroine to declare that she will marry tbe poor hero, even if she has to live in dire destitution the rest of her life ? " "Yes, but if that policy were carried out in real life there wouldn't be many of us to come to the theater and applaud the noble heroines- we couldn't afford the tickets." There are two drgrtes of-vanity: One prompts a mnn to think that he can always borrow umbrellas; the other Induces him to boast that he never borrows umbrellas. THE UPLIFT. " I hold It In truth with him who lings To one clear harp in divers tones. That wt may rise on stepping stones Of our dead selves to higher things." But we may rise to things much greater Than what we know, this Is the truth, If we but watch from early youth And never miss the elevator. -.-.A-w;ui, ti-V-" Cs$muM . . HOPE, " Look here," says the constituent, " did you read that article which said that within ten years ten men would own this whole country?" " Yes," replies the congressman. " Well, what are you fellows there In Con gress going to do about tt?" " Do about it? We don't need to do any thing about It. Walt until thOHe ten fellows have to pay all the taxes for the rest of us." Lines on Belated Snowstorm. Out from the north in flustered state - A wee, belated snowstorm hurried. Tou see, the snow had missed its date And that was why It was so flurried. Notes of Nobby Things. A quaint conceit In spring modes la the concealed price mark. It Is hidden In the crown' of the bonnet and Is not displayed until the husband of the shopper has agreed that he may have the bonnet. Facts. " I understand that a dramatized version of your novel Is to be put on the stage soon," says the friend to th-s writer. "Dramatized?" sighs the author, who has not been consulted ns to royalties or permission to use the story. " Dramatized? It's a burglarized version." "Aunty, here's a new bonnet sister and I got for you." " Thank you, Oscar, but that hat is too young for me." "But you might take it and raise it until It is old enough." The boy who wants to start In where hie father left off often leaves off where his father started. ' Som of us cannot belirve the story about Jonah and the whale, but we ran see the truth and beauty of th creed gotten up by some gentleman with a Hindoo name and a dent erlaJiiutUm theory. It Is estimated that there are four hundred nnd sixty-two ui.V. it fit le liglous cults In this country. They have been observed principa l) by t lie i-tutis-tician. Women have hard luck. We know one who can't go to church because she has no new hut. but Vtlm can go ti the theater because she doesn't need the hat there. If prices are any criterion, Rafter b"n nets, like eggs, must be cornered in co'.d storage from time to time. Really, brethren, few women care so much about new dresses nnd bonnets. What they worry about is what lluir friends will say about them If they wear last season's styles. When we meet one of these people who say Just what they think, we are willing to acknowledge that they talk but often we wonder If they think. INNOCENT INQUIRY. . i i ' v.. into "Yes, this is the Hon that ate a man from Texas." "Mercy I Is that what killed it?" The biggest row we ever heard wis between a baldheadod barber and a customer. The barber wanted tn sell hair tonic tn the other mnn, who wos a get rich -quick promoter. The person who keeps abreast a lot of police court news. if public affairs nowadays has to peruse Did you ever slop to think that about fifty per cent of your circus money is paid for bows and smiles" HIS PRESENT ATTITUDE. -Mrs. Crusher, d o roar husband Quarrel with yon when you want to buy a new frock T" No, Indeed. Long; ago be learned that that wn a waste of time, and now he only quarrels with me when I set the new frock." Some of the latest price marks from Paris and London are outlined on a dull gold ground with seed pearls. These ure designed for wearing with the article purchased. It is whispered in the upper circles that society will frown this season upon the custom of inadvertently leaving the price tag on a lace collar. A petition which Is finding many signers Is one being cir culated among the shoppers urging the government to Issue bank notes whose face value will be 08 cents, $1.49, $1.08, etc. Owing to the wear and tear on the hat pin It is not ad visable to fasten on a $3.50 bonnet with a $55 pin. Clerks in many of the stores Hie Instructed to sell lorg nettes to till shoppers who say they are " Just looking, today." Nearly all the price marks on articles selling at more than $10 are painted on red or yellow cards, psychologists having dlMcovered that these hues assuuge wrath; It is thought this precaution will prevent many men losing their tempers. A SUBTLE HINT. Tenderly, the backward lover takes the taper Angers of the coy damsel In his palm, and murmurs: "Ah, would this little hand were mine!" After waiting several seconds for him to continue his re marks, the coy damsel sighs: "Just that hand?" " Yes," he vows, looking unutterable things Into her eyes. ' 'V But,'. she says, dropping her head, "If you had that hand, both of us would have an odd set of them, wouldn't we? Why-don't you--"- ' ' - . And In another moment they are talking of whether they will have the parlor furnished in mahogany or ernis martin. Taking No Chances. " This fellow you've got promoting your trust," said the caller to the capitalist, " Is one of the most Ignorant men I ever met. Why, he can hardly spell, and baYely knows how to write his name. How did you ever happen to engage such a promoter?" " I think I know my business," replied the magnate. " I'm not taking any chances on hiring a man who can later on do a scries of magazine articles about me." What Made the Match? " What made the match 1" her mother said, " Without displaying great conceit, 'Iwii I who made the match: I led The young man ttralghtly to her feet, I made him think she was too good For such a common man as he And he proposed ; I knew he would. The credit all belongs to me." " What made the match 1" her father laughed. " Why, I'm the one that made it. Say, I think I showed my eunnlng craft When he was here, I kept away." " What made the match!" her sister smiled. ' X- think the faets will show that I By acting as a prattling child Kade him five her each glance and sigh." " What made tbe match I" Els folks and hers, Their unoles, oouiins and their aunts With happy smiles and gentle purrs Told how they laid their lttle plants Told how they mentioned this and that To her and him, concerning each. Concealed what they were driving at Within their cautious, hinting speech. " What made the match I" Their faithful friends Told how It was through them they met. And how, to help out Cupid's ends A hundred artful plans were set. But, after all, the happy pair Bald: " Wow, who made this match I" " Ah, who!" And, tn the blissful silence there, Each told the other: It was you." The Household Class. " What," asked the teacher of the class In household management, "what Is Economy?" " Economy," answered a bright miss, " Is eating hash for breakfast nnd stale bread for luncheon so that the grocery and meat bill may be reduced $3 on the' month, thereby en abling you to pay $15 more than you had expected to pay for your new hat." AN VNFRENZIED FINANCIER. " No doubt," we say to the man who has begun taking flyers In stocks, " by this time you have become bo used to large deals that you can talk of millions as If they were hundreds." " Yes," he confides, " and I've got so used to the markets that I can win hundreds with more Joy than if they were the millions I talk about." Why, Then? " Did. you finish your shopping today, my dear?" asks the model husband. " Yes, I think so," answers the trusting wife. "You think so?" " Yes. I don't know,- though. You see, I went to get my hat, and there were so many, and all of them so pretty, that I got five of them." " Five? Why Bd you do that?" " I Really, I must have lost my head." " In that case, why get a hat at all?" Wanted Her to Graduate. "Yes Mr. Spuddsgott,"? said the. professor; "I am sore that your daughter fa) on dap be a prima donna." " Primer donnerf Say, young fellow. With jthe money I'm spendin' on that girl's music she'd ought to be out of the primer and into the sixth reader by this time." But you never see any callouses or. the hands of the man who talks so entertainingly of the hard work he had to do when he was young Some of us carry mental treatment only to that point where we think nobody else is ever half so 111 as we are. Just about this time of the year, brother, your wife, who, you will remember, purchased you a useful Christmas present, is looking for an Easter bonnet. Suppose, Just for the fun of the thing, you go and buy her a useful one. When a physician begins telling you how many ter ribly dangerous diseases you are threatened with, you may Jot It down that you are threatened with a heavy doctor's bllL This would be a fine world If we should refrain from eating, drinking and smoking things that disagree with other people. Failure In life is caused by Inability Little Henry s Slate. o keep promises or by Ineom petency in making excuses. f e ? bt4 m w When n man offers you soiut thing for noti.ing i n should til down and wonder wl y be wants nothing mine than he does soini Hi! ri; While i ou can't m a k e a n m e 1 e t without bii.Hna c-is this d- no: t i us for i.uving 1. in so nmny eggs an 1 made lets. so few ome- Different Families. HI WOOF. "But It Is extravagance to keep an automobile," urges the friend. "The things are so expensive; the bills for operation and repairs are so high hat in time they will exhaust your fortune." " I can't agree with you," argues the frivolous person, turning the leaves of the catalogue. "No matter how penniless one becomes his auto will always give him a scent." Wi v i v. cbs n k Some men acquire the glow of health from the Interest they take In telling how many specialists they have con sulted ' Jt Heeolet. Behold the beel There come to me Inspiring thoughts of industry. When him I see A-roamino free And hamming songs of Jollity. But, bully gee! If ever he , Approaches me, helm hard-a-lee, My cry to thee - In agony Tremendous, will be: " Bold the bee 1 " In the name of peace, if you can't for get your troubles, let your friends have a chance to forget them. ENCOURAGING. " I scarce can tell you my feelings for you," began the young man- " It is difficult to speak when the heart Is afire with " "Don't put yourself out on my account. Mr. Miggleby," begged the fair damsel, with downcast eyes and a rising blush. . , THE EXTREMES. "Some of the things they say about Mr. Iiiggso are too good to be true," remark. McFlitters. " Yes," answers Meduggers, " but on the other hand I've heard a lot of things about him that ure too true to be good. An Alphabet of JoRes "Here, waiter, this check is for $20.55. when I expressly told you to bring us a simple family dinner." " Yes, sir. You see, sir, I brought you the kind of a dinner we usually serve to the Gildervelt family." Evidently Not. " Didn't they try to make the mayor of your town drain his back yard and put his premises In sanitary shape?" "Yes, but he fired the health officer and put In a man who would not be so particu lar." " He isn't In politics for his health. Is he?" JUST GETTING AROUND. We see the men arranging the ladders and mixing paints at the BUnkerly house. Ullnkerly Is looking on with a satis fied air. " Hello." we say to BUnkerly. " Aren't you having this done a trifle early?" " No," he tells us. " This Is lute. These fellows are now doing the work they promised to do lost spring." The Modern Maid. " Of course," said the elderly adviser to the lissome maiden, " one Bhould' not marry without love. But then, It is well to marry u man with plenty of money. One saould always think of the future." " Certainly," agrees the girl. "Why, do you know, I know three or four girls who married men who were too poor to , pay the alimony after they were t..vo'rced, and thoe girls are the unhapptest creutures that ever existed."' HIGI-i ART. "VfVi STANDS for Cow that crossed the road, Also for Chicken thai fli, too- Within the Ancient Jesters' Code These lok.es were marked: "To make folk bine." But, Ah, if one should start with C He might compile a weighty book Of the unchanging Jen d'esprit About that potentate, the Cook. The Cook Joke has a standard form: A sad, dilapidated man Who seems a victim of a storm Of rolling pin and frying pan; His friend a dapper person, bright With subtle flashes of rare wit, Asks: "Have yon fooled with dynamite?" The man: "Yes, told onr cook to quit." SMtmsmuaBMmm Many people would strike while the Iron Is hot If some one would only hold the Iron. Epic Beauty. " Your new bonnet is a poem!" declares the admiring friend. "Yes?" says the happy woman who has the bonnet. " It must be blank verse, though. Judg ing by the way my husband talked about it when the bill came." Not Real Living. " And are you going to board?" asks the friend of the bride-to-be. " O, no," answers the fair young thing, "we shall take a flat." " Yes, but where will you live?" Couldn't Turn His Head In That Crowd. " My dear," said the fond wife to the hus band who had been sitting up with a sick Jackpot the night before, " the front of your shirt is spattered with tobacco Juice. What causes that?" "That, my dear? Those spots? Why you see they are poker dots." SHE GOT THE HAT " 'Tls the early robin, father," Bald the daughter; and her murmur Hade her father, with a shudder, Clutch hit purse strings all the flrmsr. 'Tli the early robin, fsther, Chirping us his vernal sonnet. Can't you understand his warblst Listen; 'Bonnet! Bonnet I Bonnet I'" Then he handed her the money, ' While his rage grew hot and hotter, And he growled: " I understand it. 'Tls the early robbin', daughter." FAMILY PRIDE. " Huh," suld the first little boy, " my pa'B got a title, he hue. When folks write to him they put M. D. after his name." "Huh," retorted the second little boy. ''My pa's got more' of a title than your pe. has. When folks send him things they write ' C. O. D.' after his name." Had to Have Them. "This town brags atom lis backbone," criti cised tlie reformer. " Vet I can name forty well known JolntH that go unmolested." " Well," queried a red nosed person In a rear seat, " what good Is a backbone without plenty of Joints?" " She always wore a smile," Is a line in a new story. She was an optimist, not a chorus gin, dear reader. j- " But I understand the concerto and you do not. That shows that I know more about " It shows nothing of the kind. I understand why I do not understand the concerto ! Pointers on Spring Styles. (It wus our Intention to publish this week an Illuminative rticle from the pen of our fashion editor, but she has been utiKcitt since last Tuesday. Our last knowledge of her was by way of a telephone call which Informed us that she was attending a millinery opening and couldn't possibly get to work for several days. Consequently we were forced to uxHlgn the flnanclul editor to the task of writing up the spring exhibits. Following is the record of his Impressions und observations): - - The outlook for business In the bonnets and dress goods lints for this spring mukes the prospect of a squeeze and Miu.e good picking in May wheat look like pitching pennies at a crack in the floor. Why men are content to waste their lives merging railroads and Inflating stocks passes compre hension. How long has this thing been going on, anyhow? - The bonnet pit -was a surging muss of buyers from the first tnp of the bell yesterday. Heuvy prices for small lots was the rule. Fuss & Feathers rnllmlted was the favorite, ult hough there was also great activity in Wire & Ribbon. For a time there were rumors of a sell out In the wide brim line of Artificial Flowers Preferred. The visible supply melted like snow before the sun. Several panto stricken traders, declaring that they would Blmply die If they could not buy any, wi re on the verge of prostration. Tho panlo ' was averted by the announcement that the Paris exchange would come to the relief of thuse caught tn the squeeze. Lace Yoke and its brother tlnue to go strong. line, Pneumonia Cure, con- Scientific Treatment " Get me a package of dog biscuit for tbe parrot." " Dog biscuit T For the parrot t " "Yes. It on't imitate the dog's bark, and I'm going to feed it the biscuit until it will." His Knowledge. A wise old professor aamed Emory Wei proud of his wonderful memory He claimed that he knew Each creation that flew From the latest airships to ephemerae. Her Real Effort " Yonder Kits Millie Fazoo. Isn't She beau tiful?" " Ves, but don't you think she has a very self-conscious pose, us If he were trying to appear as though she did not know she Is beautiful?" " O, no. That Isn't It. She Is above such deceit. What she Is trying to do Is to look as If she did not know other people were talk ing about how pretty she Is." ' Made Him Crusty. He had the dough to make a roll But ere he eould prevent It Els wife a sweet, well meaning soul Went shopping, and sbs spent It. Eternal Woman. " What? Are you and Susie on the outs again?" ask the conlldunte. " I thought you told me she hud consented to don the cloak of friendship once more." " So she did, and when she put it on she asked me how It fitted her. and I couldn't resist the temptation to tell her It made her look short wait. ted." THE DIFFERENCE. ' What," Inquired the low comedlun, " Is the difference between vocul culture and physical culture?" " The difference is marked." replied the heavy villain. " If you are taking physical culture you talk about It all the time your self; If you are taking vocal culture, the neighbors do all the talking about It."