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About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (March 12, 1905)
It la bard to be lieve tbtt MT0 big- ger tlb la the sea than bar ever been Bed about The Top. o tfreiMonnin9. By W. D.-JVesbit W hat' the ute ol tpeodlng hour tell ing of troubles you can be rid of la tea minutes? t$M&&i .of JoKes Spring Meditation. The vestment of the spring appear; la eoati of green the plants arise We pact at thinking of how near Are da 1 when we muit tboo the flies!' STANDS for Boy, Beef trial and Boat, For Boodle, Bet, and Batter, too, For Bonaet o'er which voaei float, For Breach of promise, when folks sie. The chief of all the B jokes, though, Is that one which each reader kiews, -The one ahont the Belle-and Bean And this la somewhat how ft goes : The Bean and Belle, with airs of gloom, Confront each other fall of sighs Els face dark as the doors of doom. "Why 4c-1 yon ask my pat" she criee. " I asked yoai father for yonr hand," He says, "fcnt he, the heartless orate, Affected not to nirrstand And said 'Oct est' Or gst my Boot!'" Pulchritude " Signor Pizzicato Is simply the handsomest man that ever lived," gushes the first matinee girl, as they leave the theater at the conclusion of the concert. "Isn't he, though?" asks thp second. "I never before saw a, man who could look haerlsome while playing the flute." e Ye3, Yes. "Now, there's old Mrs. Hcrngs, who prM herself on her blunt way ol speaking " "Yes, but haven't you noticed how often a sharp tongue goes with blunt speech?" CXI Diia'l Appeal to Bim. "O th:t,k ut those poor heathen," said the erhorter who vu trying to elicit contributions tor the fund. "Think of .hem! Itoumlng the jungles and the deserts, under the scorch .nit tropical sun. Do you not pity them?" Here Mr. Bezzlt, whose furnace had gone on strike, and who had been moodily watching the blizzard that was raging outside, Interrupted: " No. I envy 'em, I do!" A grat many ptnple la. ik of hfin A3 it it were a place !re thr.v will go anout asking everybody t)s" ti o w did you get in? ' IS3 iKffiCfHAl ttbfcu George Wathlngten, 'tit said Ceula never tell a He From this point we are lod Into a e,oaadery. If this indeed were true How cld he ever mix As hli sveeeasors do la party polities 1 Long observation of the dramatic art convinces us that there Is no advertise ment as good as ' good acting. Usually duty calls us before we have'illed our hand. An Eye to "Business: " O, my hearers!" cried the earnest ex porter, holding ulaft three volumes. .'" O. niy hearers, 1 bold in my hand three. books.whieh are misleading and injurious. They, .are the work of Bh&kspt are, of Byron and of Burn.--! Never again shall the contents of these bonks lie permitted to poison the minds of renders. See, I plunge tliem into the destrsctfon that Is their poi tlwn!" With dramatic lervor he threw the volume Into Uie stoVe, in wkiAa hoi! lire was blu; ing A chorus of approval and adtn.ratju.i went up from tha audience, which was only Interrupted by the uprising of a mll.l lace 1 'man about the middle of the hall, who a-sked: "Might I Inquire, brother, where you boujiii: those books?" ' I bought them, sir, at the establishment f f Jarxz SellstufT, on Hickcrby street." " And may I ask if he had any more of thim?" "lie hid several counters covered wlln tlitm, anj was offering Hum to all whocauie at the lns.gnllicant price of lifty cents a sol um." " Lioes h- utiil have them on sale?" " I re;..c-t to say that he hus." ' What did you say was the name of the place?" ' Jabez Sellstuff's bookstore on Hlckerby street." " Thank you, brother." And .the mild faced man sat down. Next morning when about half the audlenc?' called at the bookstore of Julie SellstufT on Hlckerby street, to buy fifty cent copies of Burns, Byron, and Shakspeare, they were surprised to nee behind the counters the mini faced man who had Interrupted the meeting. And the clerks were addressing him as " Mr. Sellstuff," for it was Indeed he. Her Lente nThoughts. as i i annus eBiiIWi amssss "I don't understand why yon want lo buy that dress and bonnet when yon know I cannot afford it," says the husband. " But don't you see," asks the wile, "how much remorse and. repentance I shall experience during Lent ? A Project That Failed. "What was that big scheme Joi.es was working on last month?" "He was trying to organise a Society of Folks Who Do Not Mind Other Piopler. Business." " Is he still working at it?" , " Not at present. He got several people Interested, and then fell out with them because they wouldn't let him tell how the club should be managed." What we would dearly love to see -vould lie one of those folks who write such helpful things about Patience, waiting f:r a train that Is two hours lafc, in a deserted way station, on a stormy day. Advice to thi Ntwly Unmarried. Various ladlen' tnsrsrlnf" and happy hnm rwr lo.llenl have puhltohril ruhmhlr rule for the tpn IU of the newly wed. The riHo-ins Ip nn attempt in Mippty the heretofore larkinir dvtr for thou who have Just succeeded In severing the bonds ef matt imony.) l! is h:irJly In ernod ta-te to furnish the muspnper with photos of yourself In your l.r dal veil, even If the photos are the best you e er had taken. The ex-husband can do many little acts of kindness. For Instance, he may show his ex-wlfe how nnd where to Indorse her ali mony checks. The golng-a way-from-eonrt giwn should be provided with a long, deep pocket to receive the engrossed decree. It Is proper to give Interviews to reporters for morning papers and give denials of the In terviews to reporters for afternoon paper. This is the established custom, and attempts t vary from It will only result In confusion and cause people to regard you as peculiar. tt Is not necessary to distribute souvenir f iors among your witnesses, although this is sometimes done. In the truly upper circles, an orchestra l provided to play during the hearing of the divorce case. It renders the wedding march with the reverse pedal applied heavily. It Is not good form to publish the announce ment of your next wedding prior to the pub lication of the court's decision . I'se your own Judgment as to speaking to the Judge or Jury on meeting them after your case has been disposed of. Taste and dispo sition should govern this matter, as in the case of folks you meet at almost any function. Grass widows giving divorce luncheons will find that miniature stiver lawn mowers mako fetching favors for the guoste. It Is not necessary to Introduce your former husband or wife as "my ex-husband." or "ex wlfe." Simply Introduce him or her as "Mr." So-and-so, or " Miss " or " Mrs." So-and-so. Naturally, In the case of the ex-wlfe the pre fix will depend upon whether or not she re sumes her maiden name. HAD HIM THERE. All Iff,:: Papa, tell me a fairy story." " I clon't know any, daughter." " But I heard mamma say that you told her a fairy story about why you staid out so late night before last." Art Name. " And you call your doggie Baby ' ? Who gave him, that name?" "My husband. lie did It because the dog sleeps all day and howls all night." Lacking Both Ways. If your brldemalds have sat In court with you as sympathizing friend It Is a pretty recognition of their Interest to ask them to serve aaatn as brldemalds your next marriage. Modern Nursery Rhyme. " Where are you going, my pretty maid I" " ft going a-ihopplnf , ilr," ihe eald. " Wkat will yon purchase, my pretty maid I" " Kobody purchase!, air," she said. The reason why so few women know what congress Is doing is that there are so many articles printed about how to remove freckles. Well, on second thought, the wom en don't miss much. THE SPRINGBONNiT JOKE. Bome people write quite merrily About the prices high Upon spring hate, which, verily, They do not have to bay. The man who has money to burn today may be looking to morrow for a man who has money that may be borrowed. We have observed that a fairylike appe tite usually demands dishes that cost more than the common becfrtrak for which the plebeian hunger clamors. at Smocth Flowing Romance. "Yes," said the young man who was announcing his en gagement, " I first met her at a summer resort. We fell In with each other on a boat ride, and from that moment we got along swimmingly." Awakening Interest. " I o&mvot say," said the first Boston man, " that I have been greatly taken with the literary style of our townsman, Mr. Lawson." " No?" asked the second Boston man. " But this morn ing I heard that he would expose an attempt on the part of Rockefeller to corner the world's supply of baked beans." That afternoon the movement to erect a Lawson statue In Boston was Inaugurated. Betwixt and Between. " Have you bought your spring bonnet yet?" asks Mrs. Fadoogus. " No," answers Mrs. Miggles.' " But surely you must have looked around for one." "I have." " And can't you decide on what you want?" "Yes, I can, but I don't know what to do. One bonnet that I like is very expensive and the other is a great bar gain. I can't make up my mind whether I will feel best over paying a higher price than anybody else or being able to boast of having found the greatest markdown In pattern ha.ts." Cools of Firel After much cogitation, the earnest young author took up his pen and prepured the rough draft of a document This he revised, and erased, and interlined, and then copied In a fair hand, then sent It to the printers. Within a week he had a nice lot of slips to send to editors, which slips read as follows: i " Mr. Servient A. Round Is pleased to advise the editor of that he has accepted his check. No. , for . Acceptance of a check does not necessarily Imply a need of the money. There are many elements which enter Into the matter of the acceptance of a check. It may be too large for Mr. Sendem A. Round's present needs, or It may merely fit in well with his present plans and policies. Any one of ten or fifteen thousand different reasons may render & eheok acceptable. Mr. Sendem A. Round begs that the editor of will favor him' with another production of his pen at his convenience." Should your maiden name and your married name be equally so norous, you may use both In the future, separating them by a hy phen. Don't think all women are not angels. Don't think all men are not eaints. Remember, both of you, that there are Just as good fishermen and flsherwomcn on the shore as there ever were. About as far as some folks get with reform is to waste a lot of time making ornamental Initial " R's " for It. Lots of times we get so sorry for the oar horses that we forget the misery of riding In a horse tur. It Isn't what you can do; it is what the public wants that counts. The mosquito can lay thousands of eggs a day, but hens' eggs sometimes bring fifty cents a dozen. "And you will not purchase Mr. Dobber's landscape?" they ask of Airs. Mlllyuns at the art exhibit. "No; I cannot. It Is not poor enough for people to wonder why I bought It, jand on the other hand It Is not good enough for them to wonder why I do not buy It. I want to encourage him, but then-'-'" Ills Side Line. " But what do you do between seasons?" we ask of our acquaintance who Everything balances. Mrs. Jones, who got a $40 hat. envies Mrs. Smith, who got one at 30. But Mr. Smith evens all this up by envying Mr. Jones. The man who can't get out of debt Is unhappy, but not bo un happy as the one who can't get Into debt. Perhaps one could chew all he bit off if he didn't try to talk about the size of his bite at the lame time. SCARCITY. "I'm glad It's Lent. I want to eat lots of fish. You know fish are fine food for the brains. "Yes, but I should think you would find it hard to find them." "Fish? 'No. Drains." His Trouble. " t tell you," said the man with the pessimis tic eyes, " a person shouldn't believe the half that he hears nowadays.' Little Henry's Slate. 1 Maybe you're right,1 THE CAREFUL HOUSEWIFE. fm J : MM: FTP Jr. 1 1 av, i f tr v If "Honora," said tha young wife, "I vast you to be extremely careful of this coffee mill." "Indeed I will, mnm." "And after yon take it ont o! the coffee pot, always be sure to dry it thoroughly, or else the works will rnst." answered the man with the thiny bald spot, " but here of late I've got ho blamed ue if 1 can't hear the half that is said to me." Urn! There are two kinds of love. One is called the platontc. In It the participants do a whole lot of talking,, but say very little. The other is tal'cd the laconic. In this the principals do little talking, but say a great deal. In a recent novel we read that the hero's blood boiled, his eyes dashed, his cheeks flamed and his words were hot Without turning the page we knew his rival hud been roasting him. Art. " She Is as pretty as a picture," says the enthusiastic ac quaintance. " rosslbly so," re plies the candid friend, turning over aome photographs. " But do you think she is as pretty as her own picture?" combines the two occunations of coalman and iceman. " In the spring," he says. " I sell strawberries at a dollar a box, and In the fall I take In odd jobs of plumbing." His Bright Suggestion. Young New ly liud ridden In his flrnt fox chnaft, and was almost In at thi death. Flushed w ith the excitement of the occaBion, he turned to Miss Rideharu. and asked'! " Wouldn't it bo bully idea to build a fire and cook it here, Instead o carrying it home? Have a sort of barbecue, you know." EXPLICIT "Pardon me," mumbled the elderly guest at the hotel, 'with an embarrassed air, " but 1 have lost my false teeth. 1 could not find them when I got up this morning." " Ah," sympathetically unked the clerk, "were they on a .late?" " No, sir. 1 had 'em In a glass of water." f r e r Pr L I J J Up to Date. ' Tha editor took, with ttsirv vm unnn Mi. k fc. - " - K - , spring poem. V. II TT V. ft. . 1 . , flrrt faint blush of green upon the trees is seen.' Striking line, Indeed." ' " I'm glad you like It," replies the poet, twirling his hat in his hands, embarrassed. " And you will print the verses' " I might," answers the editor. " if you could explain to me how a blush could be green. I always thought blushes were pink or red." He Is about to hand the manuscript back to the poet, when the latter says: " But In these degenerate days, sir, Is it not considered green to blusht' How times change! Six thousand years ago this spring Adam went to the fig tree and did Eve's spring shopping. Something to Shots) for It. HAD ITS EFFECT. " Yes," said the Juror to th convicted man, " If It hadn't been for the fact that your lawyer Insisted on making that speech to us the verdict might have been different." " Yes?" asks the prisoner. " Yes. Before he spoke I had made up my mind that a year In Jail would be enougl fir you, but after I heard him talk and realized what a plumb fool you were for hiring him, I concluded that five years' work and meditation might be a real benefit to you." i ' ' -i . v" i - . :. i j A -2 TT " , J ' 4 ""ii"' " - ' " "v 1 ' K. SftJ. -f iT-fy-- r Her Winning Trait. " They say that he proposed to her after she had entertained him at dinner one day, because he liked the bread so well," says the first fond friend. "Yes, and she deceived him thoroughly," comments the second fond friend " Sho can't bake anything to save her life." " O, he knew that. But she has the money to buy all the bread they ever will want." AN UNFAILING FEAT, " Now," said the great magician, rolling up his sleeves to show that he had no con cealed mechanism to deceive the eye. " I shall attempt my never failing exiieriinent." Taking from his pocket a silver dollar, he said: " I shall cause this coin to dlsapp?jr ntterly." So saying, he lent the dollar to a friend. Demonstrated It. " I," says the proud person, " have forgotten more than you ever knew." " Indeed?" asks the humble one, with some spirit " Well, we'll Just see about thai Tell me some of the things you have forgotten." " Why er I you the can't you see, you blooming chump, that if I've forgotten them 1 can't tell you what they are?" IT STAMPED. "And what Is this ponderous machine?" ws ask of the guide who Is leading us thiougt the mining plant. " This la a stamping mill," he explains. " Ab, and doubtless it Is operated by a stationary engine," we say, with a merry laugh. But even after we have gone to some trouble to emphasize the connection between "And mho does vour oana 10 ant vou to stoo taking The man who. f makes a fool of him- PIOHO leSSOnSr . self neveruys any " jfe says fig can't see any sense in my studying as I 8tamP" and tat'""" h t0 the made. He blames It haVe for Six months and not being abie tO play any piece We know a man wno u fon of paraalllg the houHe, beating a tJy drum and playlnn on some one else. tJitf) my hands CfOSSed.' ly trumpet on Christmas day-und he will poke fun at the St. Patrick s day parade.