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About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (Feb. 19, 1905)
True economy consists In taring a nickel carart) and putting It Into a spring bonnet. The Top o the Mornin B y W. . Nesbit. The surest path way to success is that which shows no footprints hut your own. Explained. '- "Isn't it odd that my husband insist on p.:ckinf out all the dresses and bonnets I buy?" O, I don't know. Maybe he doesn't want any other men to notice you." A Splendid Location. "Of court the rents are high," tie said, " For homes on this street, But the location is ahead We're right In the elite. The people on the right are rich; The left but I forget; I don't know Juat which one is which, But one Is deep in debt. " But every one that's in this square Is in society; You'd not believe the clothes they wear Unlets you chanced to tee. There's Mrs. Bllckt at 85 She drettet like a queen; She goes out dsily for a drive They lay she's very mean. " At 87 live the Jinks They're in the upper ten. They say it's odd how much he drinks And gambles, too; but then They tay his wife's a perfect threw And scolds him all the while But they are swell, have money, too, And drets right np to style. ' At 89 reside the Blacks They say she's awful coarse: She tried to hit him with an as And he tued for divorce. They patched it up tome way at lait And live together yet. They tay that the it mighty fast Or he is; I forget. " At 83 the Mudden live They owe the market man, But very liberally give To every helpful plan. The Brownttones, they're at outs, they tay They live at 81. They say they had to send away Their awful sporty son. " And all the others hereabout Are strictly In the swim ; Of that there's not the slightest doubt, And, at I laid to Jim, The locial ladder none can climb Unlets they've nerve to try. I choose location every time . What If the rents are high !" A HINT. IT ALWAYS GOES. After the first part of their turn the two vaudeville performers stand in the wings for a moment. Their keenest Jokes hand of applause and their brightest remarks have failed t hit PLENTY OF MATERIAL. 1A I' : j'l'i' ".ma." ;!! ijl.ii.-"fel!Pjh hae gone without a the audience. " Thl3 crowd is too Blow for our turn." complains the first one. " I'll try the long word gag on them." says the second. Reappearing on the stage, he rattle s off a sentence composed of fourteen or fifteen seven- syllable words, none of which he under stands, and which he Is sure none in the audience, under stands. Aa a result, he and his partner are kept bowing to encores for fifteen minutes. HER OBJECTION. "No," says the lady with the frizzly blond hulr and the lmita tlon' " diamonds, " 1 can't understand wh;. they are called stars.' We gaze musing. y into the Bky of the night, and reply that they are so called be cause they are stars " But," she objects, with a wisdom born of long runs In New York, " they never play anything but one night stands." People who hav Kept house five or six years have learned that the servant prob lem must never be dis cussed under their own roof. "Can you paint miniatures of us?" "Certainly. I can make twelve miniatures of each of you and have all of them different." TORY e) i little ftwutfci tS 'r Mi4 wqawaBBaacgi jENOBIA Ztnobla was empress of the people of Pal myra; She tried to boss the army when she should have stayed at home. .Aurellan, the soldier, led a sort of begin Of armies up to fight her they came all the way from Rome. Full soon he was pursuing them, with spears and daggers "shooing" them, At last he sent them to defeat and caught the doughty queen. He captured her regretfully, he said, but she said fretfully That she considered him a spiteful thing.' and very, veiy "mean." He led her back a captive with bet bands in jeweled tetters. Though she cast on Aurellan a look of proud disdain; Her manacles were carved and chased and decked by jewel setters, And to securely hold her be had made a golden chain. There Is a lot of mystery connected with all history Zenobia, they tell us, didn't want to go to jail. But, think of such a fate as that I Why, such a jeweled weight as that Was better than to pawn your clothes and be released on baill Zenobia was taken to the royal Roman palace And there the charming prisoner, we read, was quite the rage Had she lived in this time of ours we say this without malice), She might have made a lasting hit by going on the stage. Aurelian was nice to her he hinted more than twice to her That be was getting pretty tired of kinging it alone. You see, she might have captured him already she enraptured him And bad that handcuff jewelry to wear upon the throne. But, aol Zenobia was like 'most any other lady They've been the same since mother Eve. they bavt the same way still: Mo matter It it's Princess May or Susie, Sal or Sadie. Ho lady Will cSnsent to be convinced against ber will. At last they told ber civilly ""pu'll have to live In Tlvoll" (Which may or may not be Me way to speak that city's name). She answered very prettily: "I'll love to live In Italy" And there she stayed until she was an old, forgotten dame. V Magnetic. Testing the portable compass, the prospective purchaser is amazed to see the ncedlo whirl nmdly from side to side and then settle down to a steady point sou' by sou' east. Observing a bearded gentleman, toward whom the needle is pointing, the clerk asks him if he has any metal In his pockets til. it would deflect the needle. Smiling through his wnlskers. tin- gentleman says he has not. " But," he adds, " my name Is Kosciusko Stanlscly cvirh." Not for some time afterward, however, do the clerk and t lie customer gather the fact that the stranger Is "one of the Poles. PRIMfi REQUISITE. " Bllbbs, I vtunt you to Join the new secret society I'm getting up," said Blobbs. " It's going to be a winner from the word go. It's to be called 'The loal and Friendly Puns of Courtesy,' or something like that." ' What are 1 lie principles of the order?" nsked lllihbs. " O, 1 lum-n't got that far yet. Haven't even derided definitely about the name." " Then what makes vnu think It will be so popular?" " Why, I ve designed the uniform to be worn on parade, and it's got more gold lace and epaulets and ngulllets and brass buttons than the uniform of any other order that ever was known." The New Society. " Quite a bunch of famous women are meeting In the par lors of the hotel today," said the clerk to the reporter. " There are Mrs. Lunrpwick, who broke t lie banks of Ohio; Miss Seatterson, who caused the Jury to dlsasree, Mrs Fluke, the celebrated grass widow, and eight or ten others who have figured in the sensational news items during the last two years." " What are they discussing?" asked the reporter, getting his pencil ready for use. i "They're organizing the Society of the Scareliead Sisters." THE BRIGHT CHILD. " Daughter," said the mother, wishing to Inculcate eco nomical Ideas Into the brain of the fair young thing, "these stockings of yours are past mending, but you might ravel them out for the good yarn that Is In them." " Yes, mamma," responded the dutiful daughter. " And what shall I do with the yarn?" " Wind It up, my dear." " Yes. mamma. And, mamma?" " Well?" "Shall I wind up the clocks in the stockings, also?" Those Sweet (Jirls. 3?WfMl " O. how are you, Hortense! I'm so find to see you. It has been the lonu est time since I saw you last." "Hasn't it? Abcs and ntfes ! The last time we saw each other was when I helped you select that bonnet you are wearlntf." "James," said the distant relative who had come to make a long visit, and who could not wait to take her wraps off before beginning to criticise the way things were arranged, " that Japanese mask is simply hideous. I won't stay here another day if you don't have it taken down." " Well, aunt," replied James, hopefully, " that thing is built right into the wall." AN APPEAL TO PRIDE. " I'll pay you next time I come," said the visitor, after the fortune teller had completed his reading of the future. " You'll pay me next time?" echoed the fortune teller. " Next time? You've got the assuianct the cheapness to try to escape payment of a miserable little fee of one dollar, when you've Just been assured that you are sure to come Into a princely fortune? I'm surprised, sir. You don't de serve such good luck as I have prophesied for you." Abashed, the client produces the dollar. Now comes a scientist with the claim that kissing Is healthy. Will it not be wise to get this question set tled once for all be fore the vacation season begins? When a man be gins acting as if he thought he were a great deal better than anybody else, somebody else has given him ground for that conviction. Lots of women would like to stay at home and look after the children and the house, but If they did their friends would say their husbands were brutes. What amazes ua Is the number of folks who can't re member half that happened last year but are perfectly certain of what is going to take place in the hereafter. We can imagine nothing more weari some than to be a girl and be com pelled, in. older to seem pleasant, to listen to some young man explain all about the political situation. It is to be regret ted that current his tory does not keep track of the cou ples who get mar r I e d in balloons and to win bets. Have you noticed that it Is always the other fellow who announces the sour ness of the grapes you are prevented from getting Every rose has Its thorn, certainly, but that is no reason why one should for ever be pricking his fingers o a the thorn, , The other day a man who had never been four miles from home told us ex actly how the Pan ama canal should be dug and then re fused to lieten when we wanted to teP him how to build his new house. FRENZIED FASHIONS. Broke Up the Show. U V THOMAS LOSEM, "Would you btlitvt that a mm wilt i bell punch and a parous pfsjfer psffera was rtspemiblt tor your dropping so much money on drop stitch iunlimited?" My heart aches as . ei.limber my fountain pen and begin thlaking about removing the pelt of my one time ftknd. tiiraiu rikaggs. Inventor of the drop stitch pattern. My heart aches. 1 say, for Mini in SKaggs and I will have been friends bjsom friends for many a long year, until the day when he sees this article in print. After that 1 fear that the coroner's Jury wll1 have to hand out the Information, but, should I fall, let it be chiseled on my toi.il: " Me seen his duty and he done it." In future chapter, i nlesa I should be !olsoueJ. shot, stabbed, slugged, chloroformed oi Kidnaped. I shall expose the man who seen his duty and evac.jd It But for the prtent 1 shall take ou. dear, trusting, confiding reader, by the hand, and lead you Ui to the great drop stitch scheme and show you how to see through it. I think it was in t!i fall of isitll, possibly in the spring of l'.W, that Hiram Skngg-i evolved this blistering i.irnopoly of his, and came neur not letting r.ie In on It Skaggs and I were seated in his parlor one evening. Skaggs had In his hand a porous plaster that he had purchased that afternoon. He seemed to be In deep thought. " Skaggsy," sold I Yoi see, we were as thick as bugs in a rug at that time, lie owed me some money and I could be familiar with him. Had he resented the nick name I should have asled him to settle. I am a man of pride. "Skaggsy," I said, " it's a shame there isn't any way to u.so the holes In a porous plaster." At the words his eyes began to Hash. Whenever Hiram Skaggs' eyes begin to flash the lambs hud better run to cover. - " There is," he said. " There Is." Now, you see, I had sukkcsIiiI the Idea to him, but for the life of me 1 couldn't guess what the idea was. Let It be written In all fairness toward Hiram Skaggs, he does his thinking in ternally. Though a sense of stern duty Impels me to speak of him at times in black face type, and in scathing terms, still I must concede the fact that he thinks inside of his head. You never know what he Is thinking until he tells you, and then you are not dead sure that he is telling you right. " There Is a way to use the holes," he said. " How, Skaggsy?" I asked. " Make 'em the fashion," he replied. " You can sell anything to a woman if you tell her It's the style." In my association with Skaggs I had sold lots of air hot air. But never before had he suggested preparing the air in small, separate sections, and sell ing it homeopathlcally. t " Skaggsy," I cried, " you're a won der." " Go out tonight," he said, still with that weird glitter In his eye, " and cor ner all the linen and muslin and silk and dress goods in the world." I am a man of few words and many actions. I leaped from the room, dashed hither and yon like a man learning to skate, uivl before daylight I had bought for Hiram Skaggs all the dress material In the market, and secured options on the product for the next two years. Hack to Skaggs, breikfastless. hatless, coatless, breathless, to tell him of my success. " I knew you'd do it" he said. Then he handed me a ticket punch It had a bell on it so he could hear me working while he was out of the room ard he ordered me to punch holes in the dress goods as fast as it was sent in to me. A'.l that day, and the next, and the next anJ the But why prolong the story? Thus was the dropstitch fad started. Thus did Hiram Skaggs manage to sell one yard of goods and one yard of holes for the price cf four yards or ordinary material. The material that was punched out he made Into gunwads. O, long suffering brethren, Hiram SkdgB today is making you pay for the air you ought to be breathing. He it is who (Editor's Notf. The manuscript again ends abruptly. We aro informed that Mr. Losem's wife telephoned him in the midst of the last sentence, tsklng him to coma 1o one of the shops and pass his opinion on a new dropstitch shirtwaist she had set her heart on.) 1 Man in General. Mankind Is a deceitful mob Bent on equivocation We, when ws have sought out a Job, " Accept a situation." Little Henry's Slate. --v--.-.- r i SOMETHING COMING. After the ilrst act, the vlsltlnn noiable wilks out of the theater and meets his friend, the manaKci' " Well," says the manager, " how did you gut ulong? 1 told the hoys to extend you the courtesies of the house." "I suppose I'll get nlong all right," responds the visitor. They must be going to give me 4'Verythlng. So far seven ushers have failed to show me the right seat, two doorkeepers have cross questioned me, and one head usher has regarded me with a cold, haughty air of suspicion. Now that I've had most of the discourtesies, maybe the court esies will be passed up to me." TIME TELLS. "I'll never forget the day I proposed to my first sweetheart," said the man with the thoughtful eyes. " She rejected me, and that night I played poker and " "And won, of course," interjects the man with t he sharp nose. " No, sir. I lose all I had with me nnd gave I. O. U.'s for two hundred beside." "Then that disproves the adage about ' unlucky In love, lucky at cards.' " " No. I wasn't unlucky In love. I happen to know that tho man she .finally Quarried is afraid to call his soul his own." 2 " Say," said the Hindoo magician to his new assistant, " what did you do with that orange tree I made grow out of nothing at the after noon performance!" " Master," confessed the now assistant, " I was hungry, and I at tha oranges." " Fool! I can't buy any mora hers and I'll have to cut out my best trick." A WOMAN'S SHREWDNESS. " Alas." moans the man, " all my efforts to unuiss a fortune have failed It is only too apparent that We lr ' i Will achieve to tin- prominence r.i o clety we desire " " Do not d sp ir " s,is his'lelv ful w'lfo. " There is one last resource " Bravely she beuins wrill'ij; h. r name in hyphenated style Within two weeks Hey nr.. the best known people in their city Physical Culture. K damsel attending Bryn Hawc Was told she should lift her chyn mawr, Also not to giggle And neither to wriggle And never at all to gryn mawr. NO EDITORIAL COURTESY. He drew his check; submitted it; The cashier then inspected it The cashier eyed it for a bit; Without regrets rejected it. HONEST CONFESSION. " 1 envy you your children," said Mr. Fadoog,us " You don't know how. much 1 enj'v lien ring you tell of the smurt things they do or s.iy. lo you know, not one of my children ever does or says any thing that is worth bragging uboui? " "Well, Padoogus," answered (liddUby, 'to be strictly honest with you, my children don't either. By the time you've raised as big u family as mine you'll learn that to lie a proud father you've got to have an inventive mind." SOMETHING IN THAT. beside a man who laughs heartily, although the play Is In But how quickly a barber would have you arrested if you gave him counter, feit money in pay ment for his use less hair tonic. ' Very few when encased in a two hundred dollar fur lined overcoat can refrain from telling about how they used to go all winter with no over clothing except a knitted scarf and a pair of mittens. At the theater we tit French Having some slight acquaintance with French, we wonder that he yelps hilariously when the actors mcntisa pates do fole gras, and simply collapses with laughter hen they refer even indirectly to pommes de terre. "Why do you chortle so lustily?" we Inquire, politely. "It is evident that you do not understand Fr.'tich." "I know I don't," ft replies. "But I keep thinking how funny it would be If it were what I think it might be." - SIMPLE. " What I want to do' raid the ambitious medical student, " is to devise some simple little rtmedy that will successfully cure some ill to which everybody Is subject. For txample. If I could get up something that will cure baldness, or cure a cold In the men, head " "Yes," interrupted the elderly practitioner.' "All you need to do Is to Invent some thing to keep the coin on', and tha balr on." CONFUTING A SLANDER. "Colonel." we ask 't Cul. Bluddeugoah of Kentucky, "Is there any ground for the time honored Jest thai u Kentucky breakfast consists of a drink of whisky and a rhew of tobacco? " "It's a baee libel, suh. ' he replies, with dignity. "Why, suh, I venchuh to say thah isn't one man in ten in Kentucky that chews tobacco nowadays." Lightened the Blows. " Did It hurt you much when mamma spanked you tor breaking the window?" "Not as much as It might have hurt me. Brother Johnnie told on me, and so I put on his best pants before ma spanked me, and she ripped them pulling me over her knee, and now Johnnie can't go to the party today because he ain't got no good pants to wear."