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About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (Jan. 15, 1905)
I Often a Judicious use of cosmetics will put a different complexion on m woman's affairs. There are some unprincipled folks who deceive us Into thinking me are deceiving them. The Top o the Mornin By W. D. JWesbit. A SETBACK. STAGC DOC v v X " Pardon me, but haven't we met before?" " If we had you would know me better than to ask me such a foolish question." HIS BLUNDER. "Yes," said the youth, "I am the most thoughtless man on earth. For instance, yes terday, instead of entering a lot of accounts in the books, I found myself writing your name over and over." -Really?" Truly. Wasn't it thoughtless of me? But then no matter i, you see, you are always in my thoughts matter what I am doing." I'm telling you right," he continues. His Idea. .ructs of city lot and Pi. PHILANTHROPIST. " O, I don't krow," mused the young man with the eagle eye and the wise look, "It may be as you ay, that Carnegie has given away more fortunes than any other man, but at least I run him a clone second." We look at him Incredulously, fur he needs a shave and his trouser have bags at the knees. "Why, in my time I have given thousands of diamond ti.uas to aspiring young women, have bequeathed to them fortunes beyond the dreams of avarice, have made them the possessors of vast buildings, have " "Where did you amass such wealth. " we Interrupt. "I am a theatiual press agent," he re plies. THEN THEY KICKED. " The cashier's foot ings don't agree," an nounced the president of the bank. " I wonder If he has been heeling himself," mused the vice presi dent. " I don't think so. Hut he Is too careless. We must write him a letter and tell him that hereafter he will have to toe the mark." WELL SUPPLIED. ' Can't I Interest you in this new dic tionary?" asks the book agent, entering the office of the man with the worried look on his face. " Nope, the man. "My son." said the father, "observe this monarch of the forest. Huge, massive, strong and sturdy as it is, it is but play for man to cut it down." " I should think," answered the son, "that the cutting up would be the playful part of the work." Insult, Injury, Insufferabli and Intimidating We meet Col. lilnkard. It is past midnight. He Is supporting a lamp p. -ft near his ho ne and soilloquialr g mumblingly. "Good evening, colonel." we say. As u see. we are pti fectly sob r. " adev'nin'," svjs tt.e colonel As you see, he Is at least unsteady of f p ech. "Jiing Lome, colonel?" we ask diet rf ully. " V know' I am." tit responds "Walk ii. ng with ou n jou don't rnlr.'i. Use to have company don't 'u know ' Ti.If i mir way of hiding i1 I. ict tnat we ar- wil.'ii.g to tairy him home " Nev' mind. Shanks, to. Shanks. Nishe man-puff, c' rhu.'.im'n. H't i! ki ow's i in go tr home " " Why? 1.- it t o late?" " Nev' t '0 late so home. Nev' too late Trouble ish shometimesh go too earl ." "Then," we say, wishing to show some Jocularity, " are you alraid your wife will make you say ' truly rural ' ' before she lets you in?' " Ftald nuiziri' '1 ain't ihat Nos nr Sl ay! Y u Know m' wife?" " Yes. In.b f d 8! a fine woman." " Wfli you s r l.t-ii kin' 'bout il is tooity roori r foorer ruiey toohio roui o toorly " Tru! rutal " we Volunteer " Yes h. Zhis t ioN r rooler bithnish m.iktsh me sl ink Shay!" " Yes?" " You know my wife us. grash widow win I mirried ' r?" " Why. It seems that she was." " Sure! Sheemsh sho an' wash sho. Shee?" " Yes." "Well, shay!" The colonel unwraps one arm from the lamp post and lays It upon cur shoulder. "Shay! Her first name uz Hoeker, wa.-hn t it?" " Yes.' " Zhen she marriesh man nume lllocker. didn't slie?" " Yes." "Zhen she getsh divorsh and mart i. sn i.tizzer man name' Crocker?" " Yes." " Getsh nuzzer divorsh an mam. sh nuz. r man name' Cillen - Uilleiischlock er, di n t she?" " "I ert, but " "Hoi' oh. rilia) ! Zhen sue n-'.sh divorsh be-vet idt -i e-doab Veerd. -in " Vier de Uedauorc." we sa. "Yeah. Woxi.cn? WuZ o- hat zh. n .' rioth me. don' she?" " Y ou are right, colonel." "Right? Shay! I'm right sh a tu k ! Sloe.' Now. wazzeinutter? Wazze maiter now, 1 shay? Liiislieiil KV time I go home m lovin' wife meetsh nw az ze door, and' wozzen? Wo W hat zhen, 1 cha .' ' " Well, what then?',' " Tell yuli. M' lovin' 11 I' wife ineetsh me at door an' has. ' Zhat you, d. ursh?' 'N' 1 shay, ' Z'at s me, ull ri .' Zhen t.he sliay, Pleash addresh pleash aduresh me :i' my full nam sh:' N zhtn 1 hav' shay. 'G'devenin. Mish Hock r-H! k rt - Ticker - ".j'l n' ehlock' - Veerd.-. ih .lobber - Drln'rd!" N' zhen n' Ii:-n " " And then " ""N zhen :hl;tniBh door ihnvsh not lame 't all!" " Well, hadn't we iu-Ura- be getting. Blonir home?" " N isir. You g-o h' me Iyea' me here. I'll Fhtay wlz z I s lam' posht. T.am'poshtsh cold hi' unshentlmental, b u t lam'poshtsh ilon' make man shay. 'G'devenin', Mish Hockerybock eryrrot kerygll s h ) ockerveerrtebe d o b b e rydrlnk'd.' Nossir. Not thlsh time night. G'nlgl. . Glad a h e e you. G'nlgM And the colonel unwraps his arm from our neck and leans his head against the cold, unsentimental, but speechless lamp post and goes to lleep. I' .fc rK7 kiu iu,,r?s J J H A T. in l..ird)y ever m k t ul-Iic .s t c .. e ;,, i u hts until he h.ia secut'd re i.M.; of way and wan'.s to feil smf stock. It Is odd; bwt if iu haj to waik a tr.le to get your .ot: of p. psin pi. is u would not need them lon't be like the bus lui.e bee. lvn't g I si interested in l.iv,ng I.. n y ;h it i u 'all to hoi;cr who is tukll g It aWa from you. THE TENDEr"1hERTED WAN. When nishti ire cold John Blmpsthee Would waken with a tbotk Should be forrft thst there might be Discomfort for his clock; An1 thst is why his clock at night V. eari mittens on Its hsnds Hp roes to sleep with crest delight To think how warm It standi. How ever there Is one sad thought Thst often makes him groin : One night be carelessly forgot The ear muff for his 'phone. There is such a tlui g as w -: king so hard to g. t up an sppe:ite that one will be too weary to eat. Ppee.l the day! The cor-:.ss apple Is I . .1 B d- ve'np, d S"or, wo wi l see t' , et.d of the " There ain't g"ln' to be r.o rot e " Joke. N(x: to the mar. who can -ell u how tli- nuikri will p.- there is no mre iiucravatir.g person than the one who tells us why It went the way it did. mind, lie is al.le mer's vacation trip irrii-sli ftT name' Yeerde X.ln n -he Retail divoi.-li an' mar- A JUNGLE JEST. l'lty the man with a comprehend to i!i i i. of s,.iin: bonnets and in xt sum w n:,e p-iylng las-t month's bills. HIS milTHOD. " Siutier u a soi i .if meriia. M-ientisi.'' remarked the man w ho was drinking lemon and s l.ei'. ' I ii.irr heard t:iHl ho was affiliated with any such cult." K.iid tli. man who was lig-htlng his ciirar for the tenth time. " He is, tliough. He treats by suggestion." U'tli . i- iih- "Nu tlo- way run mean, lie usually .soifirests that he is broke and that you ounht to buy the drinks for him." GOOD ADDRESS. " Y'ou will hardly do for the place," says the prospective employer. " What we want is a young man of good ad dress." The shy, awkward youth drew himsi If up at this, and asked; "Do you know of any one who has a betler address than mine? 1 live at the corner of Pwelle avenue and Nohb streit." A CANDID ESTIMATE. L "Madam, your son offended me greatly yesterday by calling after me: 'Shoot the hat!' " "He did?" "Yes, ma'am. Now. what have you to say about it?" "Well, I think the hat isn't worth the powder to shoot it with." WORSE YET. desp ill at her refusal the enamored youth boats his breast he presses his hand to his bosum and cm - Io not L" a-., ' '?'( Th in l-!il. latter re i 1 1 y The c i. unite n mi' r s extr difference between toaJstnois and mav be had for nothing, but the a no si hotel- In his violently. 1 in mediately " It is broken!" " No. no. shyly murmurs the relenting maid. n. that." " Hut it is broken." he wails aguin. " O, sun 1 it is not so serious as all that. Your heart " My heart, itirl? My heart? 1 smashed my new fountain I then!'' she an' her "What's the matter with that giraffe?" asked the first zebra. "Whit's he laughing so much about?" " O. he says they've had him spotted all his life, but never have been able to land him in the stripes." Got one here in the office now." answers . . -p r V"C CI A TT3 pointing to the dictionary stand. lull 1 LiC 11 C IN 1. I 3 9LA 1 E. " But why not have one In your house? Make a present of it to your wife. " Y oung man. my wife knows enough about the English language aa It is." BY WAY OF PROTEST. Thi goes is are listening to the musical selection rendered by the duughter of the house, who has s;ient three years abroad, and who la kindly favor- f lug them with an exhibition of her skill. "She can naturally make the piano talk, can't F she: asks one or the listeners. "Talk?" mutters the man with the crabbed ex pression. " Talk? why the poor Instrument yelling: for help." KINDER FA TE. Imperial Caiar. deid and turned to clay. Might stop a hole to keep the mice iwiy. Again : Fate might serve him a better trick By making him continue si a brick. SUPPL Y AND DEMAND. " I hope." Bald the steward of the pa ace of the cannibal king. " that some actors wil' be among the next lot of shipwrecked lolks we pick up." " Actors?" asked the butler. " Y'es. His royal majesty has been lion gry for hair, sandwiches for the last month " THE DIVORCEE'S MOURNING. She wrote: " What should grin widows wear To mourn the buabind gone!" The editor, with weary air. Affixed the answer: "Lawn." r ava II J WOULD RELIEVE HIM. " I wish," sighed the suburbanite, leaning on his snow shovel. " I wish that Jiggs. wn i has never returned my lawn mower, would come around this wln'er and borrow my now shovel." HER FORTE. sTsh Tw. -:--ts JtJ That lady." says the ofllce boy to the manager of the dramatic company. ' says she wants to play the fuvenlle role." v Looks to me," growls the manager, "as II she were trying to work the Juvenile Just at present." Wtll Supplied. NO I KIL.UH. Miss Mabel Malinda Montgomery bud she w as opposed to all Summtryj o shs wsnt on the stsgs And beoams quits the rags In a eostums tbs critics called summery. WANTED THE FIGURES. "What became of that perfumer who opened the big establishment over on Main street?" asks the returned citizen. " He failed six months ago," answers the native. " His business went all to smash and Ins creditors had to take his stock in lieu of a cash settlement." " I wonder how many scents they got on the dollar." A POOR. COOK. "Mr. Bkitherem." says the managing editor to the dramatic critic, "our household editor says that you erred in your criticism of the new show this morning." " Krr.-d?' echoes the dramatic critic. " Why, I can't agree with the household editor. The principal part of my criticism was aimed at the supernumeraries, who were the worst drilled set 1 i vet saw . 'i'lley deserved " "ThaVs jui Ii." interrupted the managing editor. "The household editor 6ays you ought to know in it. r than to rout a supe. " The early bird caUlus the worm, but btlo, e "PEACEFUL. going out in the dawn be sure you t.ether you are a bird or a worm. - tli- in j " A V ,v J ,i V"' ' . n ' i :t nri ' :;d j I Tf," wild th an 1st, " tliuplctur. 4 x - I'll r.pr.rnt ' IVaeeful Vale. I n.dr the 1 I 1 1 I I I iket.-traa in tk wintry last uninwr. 1 I 1 I I'll Hut." ked U e.ll. r. " why d (1 I . , 1 j III you not pmiu tt riirht on ihr i.f 1 I I . if "I lntrnd'4 t" do so. but I .ut dawB 1 ' 1 I I on a leiiiiri's ton was . h. J l.v a 11 , ' 4.1 I . I Mill, sh. at l.y a farn.ei. an.t a retea III J 9 If for iri brf.u 1 could nnl.h tbs 1 If ' 1 I 'J pr.lliiiiii-ry study " I II , .-.,- ' J MAY. "This." tu.d tne nuiti with tht b!i.e nose and the rt d tars, polling hii cohr clostr about his ears, "is regular Maj w eather w e are having isn't it? " "May weather?'' a.ked the man will: the frosted lingers, stamping h l'ei t to get them arm. " May weathir? " " Yes. It may snvw and it may not." Krom that instani things grew warmer in that neighborhood. He'd HaveteTPay For It. " My w ife." sa.d the first man, " is ratiier angry w.th mt. and I begin to th.nk that she will not boy my birthday present as usual th.s year." "1 wouldn't worry about that." an swered the second man. "My wifti angry with me. too. but it will U Just I ke her lo buy me tw ice as expensive a biruh lay gift as usual." L1SEAQE. " They go In strong for ancestry, do troy not?" asks the mutual ft. end "1 should say so," answers the intimate friend " 1 supposs thty have a coat of arn. ? " Coat of arms? Why. folks as proud a they ai insist upon having a coat, vest and overcoat of arms." D. mi cf us art too apt to corf us grsti tud. wiib ih rate oi lnleitsl. " Now, Mr. Peck," said the lawyer, after having drawn up that gentleman's last will and testa- mert "d., you not think it will be wl-e tu have the same aervlce per formed f.,r Mrs. Peck? I believe she Is o s . ssed of considerable property In 'i, - wn r ame, and--" " V vi r mind her." sighed Mr. Hi-n-ty l'e. k. " She has always had a will of her ow n." A LA SOUTH AMERICA. " Pei ms to be a lot of trouble to get r. ady for that crown," grumbles thn patient when the dentist gives him a breathing spell. "Gee! 1 can feel that drill whirling round and r und ' i " " T.s?" affably replies the dentist. " A tooth is a great deal like a S .uth Ameiican reiiubllc. I.ti- if dnllr.. a ts i f revolutions, timl maybe mme tu able after the coronation, il thire .iiuu J lie one." Was That a Hint. " Tes." iaid the young mm, " my dertor siys I must taks a will every dsy." " And," aiked tbs young womsa, wearily. " have you taken your walk yet for today I" TRUE TO HER BELIEF. She was a vegetarian A coy, but stubborn thing She said ihe'd wear no other than An eighteen carrot ring. HIS INTENTION. The man who is having an addition built to his house is standing gioomily contemplat ing the building material on the ground when we happen along. "Hello," we say. "Haven't you got thai I, raised yet? " " No," he n plies. " But I'll raise it if those carpenters don't come today." FURTHER ANNIHILATION. "Ah, this is grand! " tries the frui.d who is being taken for a spin In the new road ma chine. "An auto simply annihilate space und lime, doesn't ll? " " Yes," puts In the wife of the owner, re fli c'.ing upon the new bonr.et she cannot have because the machine needs new tires, it not only annihilates space and tune, but il simply obliterates money." HAPPY MAN. " There g s Sh rooilly. the fellow who married Mrs Tawksofaat, the well known lecturer." said the native, indicailnir a bl.th .faced man across the street. " Well." commented the visitor " seems to me he stands a good chance of having a good laikn;g to eveiy time lie stay s out late." " That's what we all thought, but Shroodly says she has be. n on the platform for so long that she won't d. liver a le. ture now unless there is some one who will introduce her to the audience." OQ Not a Teetotaler. "Bo you never indulge In a wte drop?" we ask cf the patriarchal gentleman w no has beep telling us ll t story of h.s life. " I cannct say so," he replies. "All my life I have poisessed a hearty appetite for mince pies." The Real Affront. "It always makes ma weary to have to listen to one of these fellows that think they know all about pokir." obberves the heavy set ma.i w .th the striped shirt. " Well, I don't like them myself," temurks the slender man with the rwrtpti.g mustache, "but they ate lo t so tirtu me as the one. who in sist that you don't know the tltsl principles of the game." ALFHABE TORY K j ' - ' -T SS f 1 nej T TTT7 1 f.VSSFS Unusually popular with mytholoqk misses, And tathet wont lo wander when he should have staid at home, We find is why our hero, the redoubtable Ulysses, Went rambling into trouble when he thought that he would roam. Penelope, good lady, lefl behind in their apartment. Had trouble In her efforts to get cash to pay the rent Telemachus. their scion, fine not then what being smart meant; He should have helped his mawma. but he never earned a cent. Ulysses, in the meantime, found the land of the Cyclopes, find came within an ice of being made into a stew. He drugged old Polyphemus, then skedaddled with : "I tope 'e 's Laid up with indigestion, " and went onward with his crew, from there he ambled farther till he reached the realm ol Circe ; We trans ate rather freely from the Oiys. sean log : "She proved to be i lady with no tenderness or mercy, ui comrade of Ulysses, for her sport, was made a hog. He got away, however, and be steered his trusty ship so That it would take him quickly where more trouble might be found He grounded on the island of the nymph they tailed Calipso. find dallied in her presence till eight yiais had rolled around. Homesickness must have struck him not so many years thereafter; He sighed: "I think the time has ccme tor me to pull my freight. " The listeners bad trouble when they tried to hold their laughter fit thinking ol bow long U was before he knew 'twas late. Penelope, fond woman, bad been wooed by many 'suitors : To each and evert one of them she firmly whispered "Ho." Ulysses, oa appearing, changed the suitors into scooters He strode Into the parlor and said : " Tike your hats md go I " Old Homer tells us fully how Penelope received him, find how, to give her pleasure, all these stories he would weave; He also tells us solemnly Penelope believed him I (Thai portion of the Odyssey we never can believe.)