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About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (Dec. 18, 1904)
Solomon wu t B wisest man. He mar rlM enough wire to do the housework and thug evaded the Mr vant problem. Realty, there are lota of times when we feel that we csn do the other fellow's work as well as he think ha can do ours. The Top o the Morning 'By W. TP. Nesbit. PRESERVING THE UNITIES. t.!!l . ',Ml','. 7 i I' AIK0ST Al IIVAUD " Freddy Lunk says you told him he ought to consult an ocu list," remarked the first fair young thing. Hia eyes are not falling, are they T" " Well," answered the second fair young thing. " there Is some thing wrong with them. We were out walking ester-day and came to an oak tree, and I tried to show him some mistletoe clinging to one of the boughs." " And couldn't he aee the mil tJetoeT" "Worse than that, even! lie couldn't aee that I was standing directly under It." The Honest Marketman. ( I declare!" exclaimed the market man, consulting his order sheet. " Here's Mrs. Easelgh's order for a five pound roast, and I promised she should not hav to wait more than ten minutes for It, and she gave the ordrr tw.i hours ago. Well, I miiBt kerp my word and give her a short weight" Saying which, he weighed hia hand In with the roast. Machinery Broke Again. " You had the chance of your lifetime," says the friend of the airship Inventor, " when you had that audience of capitalists to witness the trial flight of you' machine. Tet you failed to rise to the occasion." " How could I rise to it?" pet ulantly asks the aeronaut. "How could I rise to It, with one pro peller broken, the rudder twisted and no gas for the bag?" IT WORKED. "Why don't sou try horseback riding?" ased the slim man. "This that to11 reduce flesh. " "1 did," tersely answered the fat man. "Did it hate any effect?" "Made the horse skinnier." ROLLING IT IN. "Did you notice that fellow who came over and touched me for a dol lar?" asks the department clerk In Washington of the visitor whom he Is showing the sights. "Yes. Who Is he?" "An old friend of mine. When I first came here he was rolling In wealth every day." "You don't tell me! And he lost It all?" "No; he lost his Job. He was pushing truckloads of paper money through the treasury building at that time." Helpful Hint. mm "Pardon me," said the musical director, "but you should take that note more slowly." " But the music is marked 'accelerando. " " know. But remember that in this song you are supposed to be a messenger boy." One man will wear a thin watch cham that loops twice across his vest and will finger the chain, too, while ask ing another man why he carries a cane. Little Henry's Slate. r Witt ftUtiJjm, J J J J J Rest assured that aa soon as a man tells you he wouldn't say anything behind your back he wouldn't say to your face he Is going to tell you something you will wish h had eald behind you. PSYCHOLOGICAL EFFECT. f 1 BfjBM Sk. I t " Tit lodger in the next room aik If you will kindly play the piano for an hour just before he leaves tonight." " Certainly. But may I ask why hi requests it?" "He Is a prize fighter, and has a fight on for tonight, and says if you play the way you uaually do ha will be to mad be could whip a mulo." Must Conform to the Requirements. The hero of the novel la led through the alums by the little boy, and Is taken up nine flights of stairs to the miserable hovel where lies the father of the child. " See," moans the lad, " how ema ciated he Is! Ah, I (ear that he will die soon." " Not ao," responds the hero, care lessly turning away. " Cheer up, my brave lad, your papa will not die this time." " O. how you encourage me I" cries the child, his eyes lighting up. " And are you about to send him food and medicine?" " No, but there Is no pallet of straw In the room. Your father la lying on a bed. No reputable author will permit any one to die In the slums unless he gasps hia last breath on a pallet of straw." Aa there are but three more chapters and all the etraw has been cornered by the strawboard trust, the suffering father, who overhears the hero's words, at once take a turn for the better. 0erlooTi FlW. I'm not forever fl n d I n g fault," re marks the husband who has called the at tention of his wife to a hitch In the house hold affairs. "I'm not one who Is always finding fault, but I" "No," retorts tha wife of his bosom. " You're not forever finding them, because you put in nearly all your time talking about the ones you happened on yester day." A Prtfmnei. " Suppose you were a poor, hungry man, and that Christmas morning dawned rough and cold. What would you like to have In your stocking?" asks the graybearded philosopher. " My .loot," states the man with troubled with the chilblains In rough. yrra-oLcaoi i ' . crr-v Should Try the Cab. "Hey, there, cabby, do you think that horse can carry uf both to the station?" "I dunno. Why don't ye ride in th' cab, annyhow? " 14 erature Is a boon to woman. Last week a lady, w.:li listening to a paper on "The Influence of the Realistic Schoo' Upon Modern Novels' thought out a splendid way to have her new oennet trir.med. IN BIS LINE OF WORK. "No, he's not what you would call an egotist," remarks the man with the funny column face, "but there are times when I think he Is simply wrapped up In himself." "That Indicates a good deal of con celt," comments a listener. "O, no. You see. he Is a contor tionist." THE REASOnTuR THE NAME. "I wonder," observes the man who Is wiping the cinnamon from his mustache and eyeing himself In the big mirror back of the bar; "I won der why they call this drink Tom and Jerry?" "I iuppost," says the harkteper. " that It is because If it were called Thomas and Jeremiah nobody oould order one after ho had had four or five." THE RISKY SPOT, The eloquent orator has concluded his peroration, referring In soul-stir ring term to "the man behind the gun." Amid the vast audience, which Is pounding the floor and shouting It self hoarse, there Is one man w ho re mains coldly silent " Why don't you cheer?" asks a person beside this Individual. "Huh! I'd a heap sight ruther be behind a gun than In front of It, I can tell you them!" NOT WHAT HE WANTED. "Your majesty." says the tourist to the oriental potentate, " you will pardon me for referring to the fact that your hair is falling out." "O, I know It as well as you do," replies his majesty, moodily puffing at his narglleh. "Would you graciously permit me to ofTer you a bottle of my Justly famous remedy, which is guaranteed to prevent the hair from falling out?" "Yei, I'll accept it," wearily says the potentate, "but what I really need Is some kind of medicine that will keep my harem from falling out. Stop that and I'll stop getting bald." if-tv- Mi- "O, papal" cried the daughter of the eminent scientist. "A check for a thousand dollars, Just tor that article on the X-Rays? Why don't you write articles about the A, D, C, D, and all the rest of the alphabet rays, and get a whole lot of money?" BEFORE AND AFTER. HER PART. "Let's you and I get up a football team, got the hair, all right enough." "But what could you do on a football team?" "I could swear at the referee." said the parrot. You've the Incandescent Makers, cold weather." 'I'm A CALL FOR ARBITRATION. AN AID TO HIS ART. " This Christmas story," says the editor, " Is n arveloue I do not un derstand how you were able to make such a realistic plo'.art of the raw, blustering, cold weather, of the long drifts of biiow that swept In billows across the bleak fields, of the pitiful plight of the heroine, tar from home and friends, lost on the prairies, chilled to the marrow X do not see bow you tou.U write It bo vividly." " Easy enough," modestly replies the eminent author, albeit he swells a trifle with excusable pride. "I wrote the sto.v one bhi irlng hot day latt summer, and 1 Just imag ined what kind of weather would make me happiest that day. Then I let my fancy have full swing along that line and It resulted In the chapter you mention with such kindness." Real contentment is an unpunched meal ticket and a receipt for the room rent. 'nWtfwT "X don't think it's right to fight " O, coma on oat and lick him. He's waiting in tha alley." "No. 19' 9 get up ft arbitration committta." "Chucks! This isn't any war, Is it?" "No. But lt'a a good deal tha same. Zt'a one of them cases that calls for arbitration. He might lick me, and even if he didnt, his big brother would." NOT FOR THEM. " Won't It be a good idea," ays tbs friend of the cold storage magnate, " for you to donate a turkey to each of your employes on ChrUimai day ? Cou tell me you bave a Urge stock of the fowls." " I hardly think It would be advisable. The men would not accept the turkeys." "Not aecept them?" " No. You see,; they know pretty well how long those birds have been In the re frigerators." Tbe Labi Cbanee. " Leap year is drawing to a close," muses th. damsel of an uncertain age. "There re mains but one hope for roe. 1 must Induce some man to teach me how to skate." She gracefully hints to the next caller that she would dearly love to learn to skate. " Hut I never could Uach a girl how," sighs the youtn. "Then," she murmurs, her face suffused with blushes, " will you permit me to teach uu how to teach me to skate?'' Terrible Example. PEROXIDE. "You remember Mollis Brune, who used to worry so much because her hair was too dark?" aska the girl who Is eating chocolate creams. "Yes. Didn't you tell her to consult a hair specialist?" asks the girl who Is toasting marshmallows. "Um-huh." " And is she still worrying about It?" "No. She told the specialist how much ehe was worried about her hair, and he made light f It at once." S aTmCT. Has has much trouble with his hose If they should not be smoothly yarned) And yet, Indignantly hi gots And darns them when they art not darned. NOT LITERALLY. Bee the man. What Is the man saying? He Is saying that he is Intoxicated with the beauty of the scene. He seems to be drinking In the beauties of the view, does he not? He does. And what Is the view? No, It is not a painting of a rye field. It Is an academy prize winner entitled 'The Uourbons." But is this the picture that Intoxicates him? No, he was soaked when he bought one a few moments ago. NO SLEEVES. " Don't wisr your heart oa your sleeve tonight," Wi said to the damsel gay. " Vy heart on my sleevst" she obiervtd. " Hot suite f Vy Arsis Is dtoeUeti," VW Mistletoe la only one of the fifty-two varieties of excuses for kissing. Do you ever stop to think that you often say " f hey say " as If It really meant " I know?" Men use to wage war as if they felt that they were making history ;now they shudder through battle, feeling that they are contributing a few more historical novels to the Carnegie libraries. No, daughter, you mustn't drink coffee. If you did you might row up into a sallow, unlovely woman whom no man would fall in love with." " Yes, mama, Papa said a girl had to be careful what she drank before marriage and a man had to be careful what be drank afterwards." Don't suggest Christmas presents for others, hear of your part in it after Christmas. They may An ultra pessimist 1 one who concedes that every cloud has a silver lining, but who cites the faot that sil ver Isn't worth anything like what It used to be. Sometimes a dilemma has two horns, and sometimes the folks who put you In the dilemma take the precau tion to dehorn It. WW Now Is the time for all good men to begin thinking about reswearing off. It Is a mark of wisdom to know when not to say any thing, but It Is a mark of great erudition to know why not to say anything. GO Have you ever noticed the calm, cold philosophy with which others can contem plate your hard luck? Money makes thi mare go, but we have seen a million dollars crawling un der an auto in a vain at temp to start it This man, my child, U irimost wild, Because he longa JtB funny To have and hold'tb notes and gold Of other people' money. Now had he brought the time and thought To earning plenty of it, Much goodly pelf he'd had himself And not so fiercely covet. The difference between amateur and profes slonal actors Is that the amateurs do not get ao many chances to tell of their histrionic successes. Young man, folks will tell you that you amount to something until you believe It, and then they will say you amount to nothing for that reason. WJl j fVi eMmmSSSRSSimmu&mmmmmd There are two things wa have never been able to understand: How a hotel has the nerve (o ask forty cents fur a baked potato and where a florist gts the eourage to lake a dollar for a chrysanthemum. When you tell g woman that her new dress rrukes her look ten yearj younger she biglna t dislike you for think. nw that s Is ten years older than she looks. Life largely consists of hanging up $3 hobt to ca twenty-Qve cent presents. uintilian Quinlillan, years and years ago. Wts It on oratory; Demosthenes and Cicero He studied can smote; He ran an elocution school And taught the Roman lis pets The reason and the rote and rule For requesting father, dear father, fa come noma with me now In most aathetic whispers. 'Twas he who showed thai thus and fnus One should appear when stating The last remarks of Spartacus On ceasing gladiating. Perchance the word we lust have vied Escaped your dictionary. We mean when Spartacus refused To be butchered to make a Roman holiday exceedingly exciting and otherwise gladsome and merry.) Quintillan's book on How to Speak Is classic at this moment; It tells the speaker when to shriek And when his rage to foment. The boy who on commencement day Cites Patrick Henry's speeches Must do so in Quintilian's way When a single order of liberty, with $ sup plemental second choice of dtath, he beseeches. The actor who would thrill the trowi (A blood and marrow treeier) By handing out In accents proud "Mark Antony on Caesar," Must heed the rules set down by Qulnl,, And so must he who rises To heights of glowing fame by dint Of the lustly famous to be or pot to be, center of the stage, two apol lights tinting, when ht as Hsmlet loillo qutits. Quinlillan, w$ are tain fa iiy, Was It on oratory, And even la this later day deceives bis sbare of glory, tttept when elocutionists Our peace and comfort mangle. By showing how fair Bessie's wrists Were strained and bruised while twinging around In the belfry the time she laid the curfew should not angle. t