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About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (Dec. 11, 1904)
It tskes nil kinds of t eople to mi. lie the world, but luckily It take only one kind to tell i le rest how to ru- It. Even I you try to co throug' life with a cheery ?mlle lot cf people 111 say you are Tain of your teeth. The Top o' the Morning y W- TP.Neshit B r A Call for Diplomacy. J L 4r .- P P "sir ly S"v tNf Tow 0 "TV " He sends me his photo, and proposes matrimony- and I don't want him; but it is so near Christmas that I 0, dear!" The Beautiful Snow Fall of Poetry. Deferentially the poet approach? the callous editor, who alts surrounded by manuscripts, with numberless sheets of copy on the floor, also. " I have here," says the poet, " a little effort I have Just dashed off on ' The Beautiful Snow.' " " Don't want it," growls the callous editor, pausing In his work of signing vouchers. " What's the matterT Beautiful Snow poems are seasonable, aren't they?" " Tep, but I don't care for any." " (Jot cold feet, haven't youT" asks the poet, nerved by desperation. " You bet," says the callous editor, indicating the manuscript on the floor. " All of that Is parodies on the 'Beautiful Snow.'" Not for Her. SHE DID. " Tou r e m e mber how I teased my wife before she went away because she always put o many post" scripts to her let ters?" asked Fadoo gus. " Tea, and she said she wouldn't add any to the ones she would write you this time." answered Glad.umly "Well, I got a letter from her this morn ing, and she said ev erything she had to say In the letter prop er, and then tnckwl on a little postscript, which read: Notice there Is no postscript to this letter.1 " Bis Ambition. " I wish 1 could be nominated for mme office on the prohibi tion ticket," mused the man. " Prohibition tick et? Why, you'd never be elected." " I know. But then I should be able to leave the theater be tween acts without exciting suspicion." On Advtntife. "I Just think It must have been ter , rlble to have lived In the Dark Ages," said the young woman, who had been look ing over the new set of historical books which her lather had bought " O, I don't know," commented the young man, glancing at the chandelier, where a'l the lights wf re turned on full, " they didn't have to Invent excuse for turning down tho gas then, anyhow." A PROBLEM. "Should we announce our engagement before Christmas?" askk the enamored youth. "Wouldn't It be better to keep It a secret until after the first of the year, and the.i we will get Christmas presents from folk who otherwise wouldn't give us anything. ' suggested the maiden fair and crafty. " I know.' But we would also have to spend a lot of money for gifts to others, ourselves. I wouldn't mind it. If we came out even, but all my girls usually send me things I don't want." O- Eloquent Signs. " Too bad about Deffers,' the deaf and dumb inun who was to make sign apeei'hcs for the central com mittee, wasn't It?" " I didn't hear what It was. .What was It?" "Junt before the campaign opened till tUc lingers on Ills right hand were cut off by a circular saw, leaving only the stumps." " Well, they tell me that he went on the tour of speechmuklng, as 1 lunncj, as soon as his hand recov ered, and that he developed Into a splendid stump speaker." . Mingled Color' Scheme. " Funny thing happened In my town last week," said the man from up the creek. " What was that?" asked the man from down the way. " niack, a white man, and White, a black mun, thought a fellow named Brown waa prety green, and tried to sell him a gold brick. But Brown was well read, and he bluffed them both In fact, he got all the money they had." " And now?" " And now Black and White are blue." An Airship Romance. Profiting by Experience. " Why," said the physician, who had been summoned the day before Christmas, " I don't see anybody ill about your home." "No," replied the man of the house, "but we're going to hav the usual lot of turkey, pudding, candy, and all that sort of thing, and I felt like getting an advance estimate from you rather have you do the work by contract than by the day." hP l.-1'IWH' f.'fliltff'M'i A thing of beauty . usually out of etylt before moot'of us can afford to buy it. Some folks kef p di aries In which they Jot down thoughts that are meant efor no other eye, but they" have little tnrllls of delight In anticipating the day when the di aries shall be acci dentally loat. Sherlock Holtnti' could look at the handwriting of the man who pena littrfe fling at the husky football player and deduct at once that he Is under weight. When a man studies a long menu at a hlfrh priced hotel he con jures himself for not having applied him self more assiduously to mental arlthmetio when he was young. Medical science has developed to such a point that when we view the dangers said to bect us on every side we cannot under stand how anybody ever livtd. There are a great many reasons why everybody else yawns v. tun somebody start it, but the mopt com mon reason Is that all the crowd is listening to the same story. Procrastination la the thief of time, and how many of us are always saying we'll look up the meaning of " procrastination " tomorrow I Did you tver notice how funny the listen er look when a wife ays: " O, yes, of course John and I have our little difference, but we never quarrel." Those Dear Girls. . f J mm "Some one Jold me," demurely said the girl with the new dress, " that I reminded them of the heroine in 'The Call of the Mild' and that the hero, who marries her, you know, in the " 'He'd be a great hero, indeed," murmuringly interrupted the girl in the new bonnet, " to marry you." Tidal Statistics. "And what Is that long rope for, dearie?" ask the bride, pointing to the safety line that reaches through the surf. "That long rope?" repeats the groom, straining nls mind for an answer that will not reveal his Ignorance. "That long rope? Why, of course, that is what the ocean is tide With." 'Just ihinV siid Mrs. SUgtstruck. "that horrid mtnager had the prtsamption to offer me a position is "bilking lady' "Andltohat did yoa tell him?" "I told him if I couldn't hve tn uto to and from the thtaltr I just never would sdoot a dra matic career. Sized II lm Up. The fortune teller take the young man' band, scan It attentively for a moment, then say: Tou are perfectly foolish when It come to spend ing money." " Ah," weakly comment the youth, " I believe I did , pay you la advance." Willintf to Wait. " Doctor," say the rich man when he begin to con valesce, "I can 111 repay you for the great service you have rendered me." " I know you can. III," answers the doctor, " but I shall not send my bill until you can, well, repay me." A Woman of Foresight. The two men are discussing the various accomplishments of their re spective wives. " My wife, ' say the first man, "is as happy as a lurk these lays. he ia ruBhlng to and fro, buying all manner of Christmas remembrances." " My wife did her Christmas shopping a month ago." observe, the e-icond man. "But my wife told me your wife was going with her today f buy presents for a lo; of people." I " I know. Bh did all her Christmas shopping a month ago, as say, and that enable her to buy gifts now for those she forgot when a In was doing her regular Christmas hopping." The Mean Thing. " O, I do not need money to make me attractive," aald the vain young damsel. "My face la my fortune." "I It, dear?" asked the girl whose admirer the vain young thing had captured the day before. " Aren't you afraid your bank account 1 overdrawn?" It la a good Idea to break the bad habit of wondering why others do not break their bad habits. IN RETURN. p1 vimmM'mimmmm" ' wst -r. W ft jj r i si i i ii ir - i niiin.il Arousing .Envy. K , lT TRW. " " .... w . l K - . A w - . j u . iiii 'ii in Trrrrnr ttt, mnv )00 ty l o " Ah." mused the vain yountf woman, hastening through the heavy snowstorm, "there arc those hateful Jones girl who sre always commenting because I west last season's dresses and cloaks. Now they'll be catca up with envy because they'll think I have a new polka dot outfit" philosopher as we stroll through the vast assemblage. i ne nanasomest two," we venture. ' Not at all. They are the one who paid the nwst for her drear, and the one who got her at the greatest reduction in price." cRubbing It In. "I suppose," says the interviewer to Rod erick O Ham me, the eminent purveyorof dra matic art. "that it is most annoying to mem bers of your profession to see these Jokes about actors counting the ties, and all that sort of thing?" " Indeed, it Is," gloomily ay Mr. O'Hamme. ' It Is doubly disagreeable when one picks up the paper containing uch a Joke to while awuy the moments when he Is resting between the countings." Not Retiring. "Your diingliter Beems to have a retiring dlspoMit.nti." t.ts the caller. "One hardly ever s es ht r uiiy-vhere, and 1 understand 8he sits In her roam nearly ull the time, reading." " She does so. mum," answers the mother. " But, retiring disposition! Laws, many's the time, 'wny oast midnight, I've fair had to tear the book out of her hands and take the, lamp it vi ay lo mine her go to bed. No, she Isn't what you'd rightly call a retlrlng'dlsposltion." Needed the Relief. Poes your husband have much trouble with his auto?" asks the friend. " Oecasionally it does break down, and then he has to fix It." " And does he lose his patience! at such times?" " Mercy, yes. Who wouldn't?" " Hut does he swear?" " Well, at first I am always afraid he 1 going to swear, but when the delay in unusually long and I grow tired and hungry and cross I begin to worry for fear he won't swear and thus relieve my feelings, too." The Leaders. " Who do you suppose are the most envied women her today?" aak the gray bearded MAYBE. AmJ A rZL HZL$ T . : ' I i tr 0( .iiftvK Maf'fr. rtmrti " Doctor," sighed the patient, "what In the world causes this jumping toothache?" "Well," suggested Dr. Hippo, "maybe you've been eating kangaroos." Misapplied Genius. " Tea, Flggerby Is a bright felw and often shows symp tom of real genius, but his laat effort certainly was a flzilc," aays the man with the incandescent whisker. . " What did he do?" asks the man with the ingrowing mus tache. " He Invented a water filter and then tried to get aome Kentucky capitalists to back him In manufacturing it" Poll and the Pelican. "Can you catch?" asked Miss Poll of the Pelican. Said the Pellcani You know quite well I can If you toss ma a nut When my bill Is held shut, I shall (ape, and you quickly can tell I can." TkvAT iti ATt"P avr g&VP -vrur mm v e ii n Troudle enough. "1 always tell my patient tunny stories when working on their U-eth," say the dentist But don't you think they suffer enough rain anywayt" asks the tr.an with the golden display in his front teeth. My dear," caid Mrs. Wander, "yon remember that the Jigglnses gate oar little Henry a boy'i tool chest last Christmas. What shall wo send them as a mark of appreciation this year?" " Send 'em a bill for the damage he has done with the hammers and saws." NOT PREJUDICED. " Would you marry a girl Just because she was pretty?" " Well, at least I shouldn't let that weigh against her when i came to make up my mind about her." EXPERIENTIA DOCET. "Ah, do you undkrstand 'the language of flowers. Mis Pritt?" asked the possibility. " I certainly do," replied Mls Prltt, permitting her hand to linger in his. My sister missed the bent catch of the year once by slipping into the library to find out what the language rf flowers was, and while he was gone the man proposed to another girl." Little Henry's Slate. Sometime we criticise a man a much for fighting a w woul.' have criticised him for submitting to an affront with meekness. Oie aiiiCT nn it it nonnrmv "I seen the burglar," says the witness to the amateur Sherlock Holme. " He jumped out o' that winder an' then run Into that bouse down the alley, an' he hasn't come out yet." The detective stands tn deep thought for some moments, then carefully measures the footprints made by the burglar. "But, my' goodness, man!" cry his friends. " Why don't you go right ' down there and catch the burglar. W know where he Is." " I knw we know; but would it be professional to take the man without first discovering a clew which will lead us unerringly to him?" a EPY, Percbantt when he wi working on Tht diary that bears his name la thett tar days, now dead and gone, He never dreamed about his tame. Yet now, from time to time, It Is Heard from 'most everybody's lips That magic, mellow name of his, Tht i off and pleasing name of Pepys. Again, when reading what he wrote, We live anew that ancient time ; The book Is one we often quote The cheap editions are a dime.) We mark his course through dingy streets And climb with him the palace steps; In tancy all of those one meets Remark t " Why, there goes Mr. Pepys. He always bad a seeing eye And bearing ear, and what he saw And what he heard he tain would try , To set down, but evade tht law. And that Is why in cipher dark The tale originally creeps 'Twas thus, also, he made his mark. This man of truth and trouble, Pepys, Throughout bis life he had bis griefs And also bad a little fun , He kept bis eye upon bis chiefs Ani tells the things they might hate done It they had not done what they did. - Ah, if each person now should keep bis Own diary and raise the lid As did this honest Samuel Pepys I , t ; And so, you see, ne made a same 'rVhereea the critics Sometimes pounce; It bardty tver sounds the same It is so esiy fo pronounce. But still, there Is an hour or so Of pleasure for the man who dips Into his boos and comes to know Good Samuel Pepys, Peps or Pips.