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About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (Dec. 4, 1904)
8om people talk as much about how little they know about foot ball aa other do about how rr.uchthey know about it. Anyhow, the man who brass about how much ha makes la enthusiastic about hli work, anil that halpa a lot The Top o' theMornin. ' 'By W. . Nesbit ADVICE. 'Tit vary wrong te lit, my child. Bat art yoa've lott your yoata Toa'lt lad It makes iomt people wild Whea athtrt tell the troth. Her Faint Heart TRANSFORMED. Ee said : " I was eaee a raw reerait" Bat bore be taraed te boastiati " X was done te a tura by the dram and (ate Aad the grim drill sergeant's reattlag." SUBTLE DEVELOPMENT. Out of ToJk. faff. at 'Sao ":y fta i p lit- ' St-acv "HiA4 "I hear that Mr. Flayme is going to write a song without word3 about you "Yes. I rejected him last night and it made him speechless." A 1000 REASOSI rOR SITTIM IT. " But, my dear," objects the huf band who has been taken alona; to aee the bonnet, " it Isn't at all becoming to you. It Isn't your style of a liat, at all." "I know," the wife explains, patiently, "but It la the only one of this pattern In the city, and I know that Mrs. Jones intends coming uptown to buy It this afternoon." the Disgusted Sculptor. Ths sculptor ones threw down his chisel, Aad said t " 0, this status's a flseU" Tna test that bt said As hs baat his own head Was anoith t hats mads yonr hair frlieL At a Standstill. " What did you do with that new drug; you Invented, professor?" asks the friend of the plodding chemist. " Made up a lot of It and put the drug on the market," answers the chemist. " Meet with auccessT" " Not much. It seems to be rather a drug on the marketat present." nsnnnia MAYBE SO. The lady with chrysanthemums 8mlles sweetly when we eye them; She thinks we think : " She has a bean Who has the eoln to buy them." ... r i-wf I " - sa it" w . m m ft MM,, The DifTcrcnco Between Now and Tien. " When I was your age. ' said the aunt, "we ild not regard It as at all In keeping with good breeding to take a proposal of marriage so lightly." " O, auntie." explained the girl, who had been recounting the scalps she had taken during the summer, " it is just the same now, I think. The proposals we regard seriously enough, but we never take the men serious- ' ly." FINANCIAL SPEECH. That money often talks to ns Is something quite defensible Sometimes its words are dollaroas And then again they're centslble. WILL HAVE TO HUSTLE. . " There goes Ranter." aays the first actor. " He says he is going to bring out an all star revival of ' The Hunchback ' next season." " He Is?" asks the second actor, mechani cally pushing back his front hair. " Well, If he makes a success of ' The Hunchback ' he'll have to hump himself livelier than he ever has." f 1 1 c , . , i . -)i VV " mm EMBONPOINT. Bhe used to be a fashion plate But now she's sad at heart Because she has lnoreased In weight And Is a fashion chart. Another Chance. 'Tls bstter to have guested and missed Than never to have guessed for then Ton give your guess machine a twist And pretty soon can guess again. " You are a poem tonight," he sjgbed. "But It it leap year," she responded, softly. "What of that? "One never can teQ when a poem may be rejected." ON SIMPLE FARE. A damssl who dined from a tabouret Bemarked t " Bow, this Isn't elabouret. It Is plain curds and whey Won't yon take It away 1 Tor I never eonld get all that elabouret!" Had Several Bents. " How did you ever happen to go Intp this line of work?" we ask of the contortionist, who has Just finished his turn. V " O, I Just followed my natural bents." A Clinch on Fame, " Tea," said the rich man, " I Intend to give my native town a fine library building." " With your nme carved over the en trance?" "No, Indeed." " A brass tablet by -.he doorway, then?" ' Not any brass tablet" " Well, a commem orative panel on the wall Inside?" " No. Not going to have my name on the building anywhere." " Then how will any one know you gave It?" " I'm going to leave also a fund to pay the taxes and keep the building filled with books, and to maintain It" However, people will remember you, some times, Just as long If they have to fuss about you as If they do not " Floaile Bron told me last night that aha was 24 years old." " When ahe gets older she'll have more sense than to tell her age." "When ahe gets older she'll hare more aense than to acknowledge she' U old enough to refrain from telling how old she la, perhaps." Dramatic Art. A lady who starred as Camilte Declared: "When in sorrow I squille My audience groans In most horrified tones As if all its blood would contfille." A SACRIFICE FOR ART. The Penalty. KNEW. The average man would rather look and talk like the oily vil lain of the problem play, even if the bright eyed matinee hero does get the attention of the women. O Nearly all of us hav the notion that some sweet day some one will call and request us to permit him to can our conversation for use In the phono graphs of the future. CHICKENY SOUP. The chef, when he tasted a soupcon " Vea, air." said theValter, " we always try to be Of soup, cried: Great ScottI Now the extra attentive to bridal couples." soup's on, " But how did yea know we were a bridal couple?" It just beats the dickens A newly married man never looks at the prices. It's minus the Chickens, II E liPliiiffil&'illii Advance in Dramatic Possibilities. " When will I get a decision on Uuit last story I submitted you?" asks the struggling author of the great r.iagaiine editor. " Pretty roon, I hope. I'm reading the story myself.'' " Tou are? Well, that Is a compliment May I ask. how you hai pened to select It to read?" " I lOBt a bet on the election." "TVse ladies are four of our show girls," said the comic opera manager. "And do you have a sextette, like Florodora had?" asked the reporter. " I should say. We've got two sextettes one with nineteen people in it and the other with twenty-three. Nothing small about our show." The other day we saw a woman looking at a draped Statue, or a statue of a draped figure, whichever Is right. And she turned to her friend to say: "That dress doesn't fit well under the arms, does It?" Natural History. Jt foxy man In horsey suit Once met a maiden kittenish He sheepishly said she Was "cutet' She landed him just like a fish. NOT ETHICAL. " What Is tho cause of the coldness betwe n Prof. BIgarm and Prof, rhlknek, the physical culturlsts?" asked the man with the pickled hair " Purely a professional coolness," explained tiie maj with the incan descent nose. " It seems that while Prof. Thlknek developed his mug mlsr strength by following the prescribed rules and regulations o health culture, Prof. BIgarm worked up his muscles by sawing wood." PAPA FEELS THE POVERTY PART. "She ts perfectly devoted to her art, isn't she? " " Yes, indeed. She told me she had to give her baby an extra dose of soothing sirup to get it to go to steep in time for her to come here to sing this lullaby song." Little H but an older one never looks at the menu." The Vlsclom of And tastes as if only the coop's on!" Vlsclom of Youth. "Tour sister. Master Johnnie," says the young man caller to the small brother who Is entertaining him surreptitiously until big sister can come down, " your sister certalnlr Is a young woman cf a good disposition. I don't believe she ever loses her temper, does she?" " Not with any young man, before Christmas," discloses Johnnie, who has been th'i victim of some sisterly displeasure shortly before. enry s Slate. Alphabe TORY MAM Old Omar In a 7nf be had lo re, ref oare to Verse such Time as he could give; Whtrtut ffte Critics rose and Hurled at Him: " The Stuff you wrife Is onfjr Tentitivt." Yet Khayyam ncrer worried over that He ktpt hit Troubles underneath bit Hal ixctpt such Times as when he worked fhem up Into an Apt and Pleasing Rubalyyat. fitigtrald, the Translator, took bis Pea Anu made a flowing Version; yes, and that To show that he could keep limp While Translated all the Rubalyyat sga'n. How, Is there any Home thai Don't rtreai 0. Khayyam's volume resting by "Ladle," Bound In limp Leather, with tact Edge a a cuf Te show the Literary Sense we fetl? And it there any Iowa from York lo Butte Wherein tome Meldea fair doa'f llocule Through Khayyam's eisy. speaking poetry, With Musical AtcoBjp'afmenf to suit? Aye, verify And where the Parodist Who does not seek through all upon kit List Aad tome hack af the fast fe Kaayyaa'i work each time lo Had Hew Chances he hat mlsstd? A Good Cigar, a ready foaafala f ca Or a Typewriter one tea use, and thea A hook of Omar wheact te draw Ike Thought 0, Parodies one will let J aat agalal Some black lalllal letters kere and there, Perchance he also had t. Hubbard Hair Bui anyhow old Khayyam set a Task Jo till all bit Successors with Despair. Changed. " What's become of lit tle Millie Freeman, who used to have such a pug nose, and who" began the visitor who was re turning to his old haunts after an absence of five years. " Doubtless," Inter rupted his host, " you mean Millicent Freeman, whose father made his fortune through an oil well. I saw her name in the society col umns the other day, coupled With a complimentary line about ths piquant expression given to her faoe by her re trousse noes." WILLINGTO TRY. " My son." said the father to the young man who was about to start out for himself, " re member that you must save your money. Have I not al ways Impressed that upon your "Tee, father," replied the son. " Then If you do not save up some money whilst you are progrealng through life, you can not blame me, can you?" " Not exactly. But you'd make it s lot easier for me If you gave me the money you want me to save." ,0100 DEO FUTURE. The ark was on lu voyage. The passengers were grouped about ths deck, talking or amusing themselves as they liked, with the exoeption of Ham. who was sitting, with bis head between his bands. Just abaft the main compan ion way. Noting his despon dent demeanor, Noah ap proached him and said: " Cheer up, Hammf . We1!! soon land, and then all will be bright and Joyous ones more." "New It won't." declared Ham. It won'tr - Naw. Do you suppose I'll ever cars to go to a circus as long as I Uver r True nobility of character la that which enables a man to answer pleasantly whsn his wife calls to him that tbs eosl man la at the door, when he Is bruising his finger trying to shake the furnace into a burn ing mood. t 4 Handicapped. - Confound it," said the elephant. " Here's that knot In my trunk to remind me to take a drink out of that mineral spring In the Jungle, and how can I drink anything with tho trunk looped that way?" A PLACE TO ROOST. Ooi'i bomi should bi A cozy list; Who doit lot crow Finds it thi bL k tickling wlfi Mikit It a wrick, At will it III Will will atnptck. lut ptici It ttiiri All strtfi ti nock Win lati it ilfht Til lit till clock. Wonderful Experience, Jr!L I III VI M I "Papa.' aald Ike eweel young thing, "here la an Invft latioa from Mrs. Sprlsem; the wants me lo come to a 'poverlj part' at bar home. Everybody is to wear old, raggedy things, yon know, and it will be lots ol lun." , ; "Poverty party?" aald papa. "'Old, raggedy things? Now, that's something aensible. 0! course you may go." "Well, then I'll have to have a hundred dollars to buy an appropriate costume. I haven't a thing lo wear." Aunty's Ms). Jstfga says that while exploring In Africa he drank deeply one night of strange native liquor. Soon after, when returning home, he aw a marveloua sight. The world has heard of electrical eels, but Maj. Jagga la ready to declare upon oath that he encountered three electrical giraffe, the horns of each animal giving oft a light as large as an are light and fully aa white. The phenomenon lasted several minutea and then ths giraffea ran away. His Function. "Once I had a broth er who was a train caller," declares the end man, after Mr. Julius Telper has sung "The Wreck They Did Not Reckon For." "Tou had?" inquires the Interlocutor. " I had," replies the end man. "And, may I ask, why did he call the trains?" "In order," explains the end man, reaching for his tambourine, " In order to awaken the sleeping ears and send them on their way to work." In the confusion which ensued, Mr. Reginald Pulslfler.tbs sweet voiced contra tenor, arose and sang: " In My Dreams I Bee Thee, But I Always Waken." An erudite lady in forms us that the Venue de Mllo broke on her arms trying to hook her shirtwaist just betweentbe shoulder blades. Ma:iy a poor man has gout and takes medklne for rheumatism 0, oncet I knowed a man, en I hope I may die Bnt oncet I knowed a man et a bine bottle fly! De bine bottle fly wnz a bnzzln in de bog, Wen along wid a hop en a skip come a frog., "Heyo," tez de fly, "whnt you fjwine fer to do?" " Heyo," sez de frog, "I'se a gwine ter eat yon I' En he gu'p wid he throat en he wink wid he eye En dat wm de las' er de bine bottle fly. Den along go de frog twell he come ter de crick, En np come a basi an' he nab de frog quick. "Heyo," eer de frog, "whut yon gwine fer to do?" "He jo," sez de bass, "I'se er gwine ter eat youl" En he gn'p wid he throat en he blink wid he eye, En de frog et np 'fo' he sayin' " Cood-by." Den along go de bass twell it's enamost noon, En de fnst thing he know be is cotched by a 'coon. " Heyo," ses de bass, " whut yon gwine fer ter dot" "Heyo," ses de coon, "I'se er gwine ter eat you 1" En he gu'p wid he throat, en he wink wid he eye, En de bass done et up whllt he sayin' " 0, my 1 " Den de 'coon go along twell he step in er trap, En a man come en say : " Well, I got er new cap I" " Heyo," says de 'coon, " whut you gwine fer ter do?" "Heyahl"ses de man, "I'se a gwine ter eat youl" En he tek de 'coon home en I hope I may die, Bnt oncet I knowed a man et a blue bottle fly I