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About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (Nov. 13, 1904)
Soma men can get to wrought up over the future of the oountry that they for get they must pay next month' rent The Top o' the Mornin W.J). Njesbit Tou may be able to take a drink and then let It alone, but If you buy enme people a drink they won't let you alone. Elizabethan Roughness. HER PLAN. 'tiff! "Your Elizabethan ruff makes you look fetching," said the wife as they were about to start for the fancy dress ball. " How do you like my costume? " "It's the first dress you ever wore that made you look natural." FABLE OF TKE FOOLISH GIRL. There wag once a foolleh girl who wai, however, beauti ful. Having heard that men admire women who know something, the determined that aha would alwaya pretend to knowledge, even If aha did aot poaaesa it So one day the catch of the eegaon happened her way and be aaked her if aha understood football. " O, yea. Indeed," ahe anawered. " I know all about It" Thereupon ha ezauaed himself and went hla way. And be found another girl who said ahe didn't know anything about football but that eke dearly loved It end alwaya wanted to meet eome on who would explain It to her. So be took the other girl to the gam and ahe gaiped with admiration while he explained th differ ent plays. Naturally, he mar ried the other girl. Moral) A man wants wife who Is smart enough to make him think he ii smart er than she Is. There Is a great deal of difference between a friendly critic and a critical friend. Some people seem to think that patience Is a quality that only their f r 1 n d s need have. The world 1 well balanoed. Half of us are happy when we give our class yells and the other half are hnppy when kicking about them. 1 Grill Intention. Our friend the In ventor takes ut Into his workshop and ex hibits a queer con trivance composed of wheela and brushes and towels and ato mizers and rasors. " What Is it?" we ask. " Tou r e m e m ber when I Invented the tlumb waiter ? " he asks. " We do." " And don't you re member that at the time 1 wild I w n some day devise some thing even more won derful?" " Yes." " Well, this machine Is a dumb barber." Whj Ha Did It. There was once a man who owned u large building, and 'ie had a clock set In the wall at each end of it. So large was the build ing that It required five minutes to walk from one end to the other. One time the clocks got out of order, so the man employed an Intelligent person to repair them. When the Job was done and the clocks were running again the man inspected them. He went to the person who had repaired them, and said: " Look here, the clock at one end of that building' Is five minutes slower than the other." " That Is proper," answered the person. " Proper?" " Certainly. You said the clocks must agree aa to time. Now, when you are looking a : this one you know that If you took time to walk around and see the other it would agre.- perfectly with the time you see here." ' ' , ' ' I " Isn't It awful the way she ias to fight her boy to get him to stay at home ? " "Yes. I tell you, If I had a child like that I'd whip him until he realized what good home he had." Do not criticise those who overdress. A fifty dollar saddle on a two dol lar horse makes the outfit worth fifty-two dollars. You cannot eat your buckwheat cake and havi It, too b e c a u a a moat buckwheata are imita tions. The old lady who lived In a shoe, had she lived to day, would have gone In fur high heels and talked about her skyscraper. Let us remember that a servant is a human being, and continue to wish that two out of ten of them would show human In stincts. Why should we praise a woman's dress or bon net? Would It not ' be better to drop a compli menting note to her mo diste or milliner? No accident policy covers falling In love. This may Indicate that the banana peel Is considered a great er danger than the goo goo eye. Having f- 12 a week Ideas and $2U) a week income Is almost as bud as having S'JOO a week ideas and f 12 a week income. Tkat Helps Some. "My goodness!" exclaimed the husband. "You have bought lot of things you don't need at all. Why did you get them?" ' Well." explained the gentle wife, "they were ao ridiculously cheap. Why, I aaved at least forty dollars by buying them. So there, now, I am not ao terribly extravagant, am If I may spend a good deal, but you can't deny that I have a aaving disposition." GREEK MEETS GREEK. " I aay," declared the man with the eye glasses and the long hair, " that you have never handled a case in the proper way. What if you do catch the man you are a.fter? What has that to do with the correct method of solving a mystery?" " And I say," argued the man with the soft hat and the black mustache, " that you have never written a story that gave the real sys tem of ferreting out the man wanted. Sup pose you do catch the villain In the end? What has that to do with the right way to sift a mystery?" While they glared at each . other a bystander whispered to us that they were Ilawk Shaw the detective and the author of Humlock Shomes Alt OCCASIONAL HAPPENINB. ' ClotheB," averred the man with the long white beard and the meditative eyes, " do not make the man." "No," agreed the man with the shiny coat and the baggy trousers. ." No, but hls' wife's clothes often break him." To this the man with the long white beard and the meditative eyes could only reply by smiling sardonic ally, for he had been in his time a ladies' tailor. LITTLE r HENRY'S SLATE, A -- J, AFAYETTE. i v ALMOST THE SAME. The Color Scheme. make my rivals green with envy, because it is to be the pink of fashion. " H A ff 1 lit .!. . . MOT ,f II r --wu n win mane me migmy uiue, muumwu mr. uuyzm. f : f 1! Long years ago in Franc A preff y babe was christened. His name brought forth a glance Of pride from (hose who listened. For when they asked his nam From his delighted father. These were the words that came With quite a lot of bother: "Marie Jean Paul Roch Yves Gilbert Motier de Lafayette." The babe grew, as babes do; He waxed tat and he chuckled; Etch day he was on view, In his wee carriage buckled. And thost who taw his face Declared that he was handsome Hit rame, worked in his lace, At times almost unmanned some 'Marie Jean Paul Roch Yves j GUbert Motier de Lafayette." Well, then, the babe grew up, Thanks to his constitution, His bottle and his cup Then cam our revolution, A gallant youth, he sailed Across the briny ocean; George Washington he hailed: "for warfar I'v notion." Marie Jean Paul Roch Yves Gilbert Motier dt Lafayette. How, mark the courst of fame. He helped win Independence, And won an honored nam In Washington's attendance. His name we tan't forget; On always has attention Who mentions Lafayette - But people never mention Marie Jean Paul Roch Yves Gilbert Motier de Lafayette. 1 hus, started out In lift Full strong on nomenclature, He made a name through strife His was a fighting nature. He made a nam, w say, A name of glory's choosing . ... .rV. ... v . While seven he was losing. the soothsayer fT " "e 0, f " "For what reason, woman," asks the seer, Efeefera de lafayeffe. ' do you wish to peer Into the future? Would you ivish to see what mighty changes r to come In the nations of the world? Would you read the fate of your friends? Would you know the good ' and evil that is in NOT HER IDEAL. . store for yourself? ' Would you " "No, no," she inter rupts. "All I want to find out Is what will be the style of next spring's bonnets sci that I can have one a month ahtad of any body else." somewhere Flea as a bird,' " read tbe big sister from her little broth er's exercise book. Why, Tommy, you don't spell the word correctly. It should be 1-I-e-e.' " But the teacher said that flee meant going else In a hurry, and a Ilea Is always doing that." CONDOLENCE. " My boy' said the grouchy old man to his nephew, who was bewallln the fact Cat a fair young girt- had ifiven him a negative, " you have no ct.use to mourn thus." " Ah, uncle," sighed the youth, " think of one having to enduro iuct hitter disappointment Just at this season of the year," "I know. I know you are downhearted because the other fellow Is thank ful that she accepted him, but you wait a few years and you will be thankful also that she accepted him." BIS EXCUSE. We meet the famous humorist tinkering at his automobile. He has amassed a for tune by writing jokes and things about the mishaps of automo blllng. "Why," we ask, "do you write so many jokes about the auto, when you are so ad dicted to its use?" " I've got to get some fun out of the thing, haven't I?" he asks, moodily regard ing a punctured tire. BIS CHARACTERISTIC. " I don't like mow er," said the first man. " He always knows It all when you are talk ing with him about anything." "You mistake him," answered the second man. " He doesn't know it all, at all, he merely tells it all." CONVENTIONAL. They were parting. The light In the hall was dim. ". Good night," he said, bending to press a kiss upon her cheek. . " Now, If you ever tell any one," ahe be gan. "Ah," he whispered, " I printed that kiss there, not for publi cation, but as an evi dence of good faith." . w$h pit m mm!, J " He told me his Ideal of existence would be to dance this way throughout life," " What did you say to him ? " " I told him I was sorry, but had accepted a man whose Ideal life Is to sit out nearly every dance. " Character Is best estimated by the mouth. That Is, it the giil. J. ct of the estimate talks too much. Ey saying things you do not mean and by meaning things you do not say you may gener- ate the impression that you are pretty deep. Mary and Ann Aaln. " Are you sure this young Is a Mrs. turkey?" asked Fadoiigua. pinching the wish bone of the fowl. " I think so, mum," ans wered the honest market man. " But don't you know?" " No, mum. Not exactly." " Well, how old do you sup pose It is?" W'ht er you see. mum, that there turkey is ona o' thara Ann turkeya." " Ann turkeya?" Those Dear Women. X I JT. -.-l Jaw , - 9 vv v " I am ao glad yoa Ilka my new gown. , My haitand Just dotes on It. H. .ays it mak.a ma look Ilk aaoth.r woman." " How bappy you mu.t bat Ha la ao fond of oth.r women," m, mum. iney com 10 pairs, Mary a und Anna. Nobody ever could telf how old Ann la, and all the Uarya are taken Aral." Lota 0: men pad their shoulders, wear shoes too small for them, collars too high for them, and all that, and t'ien stand In front of a department atore and scoff at tbe women'a frock, thara shown.' Education's Progress. pi. 7 jmti 'ii s b ':) " Yaas," said the first college boy, " ouab clahss is to have the finest yell this yeah it has evah had." ' "You don't say," answered the second. " Who got It up ? " "Doncheknow, we hlahed a clevah fellaw to compose It" " Fine, indeed. And when are we to learn it? ' "Don't have to learn it, m' deah boy. We've hiahed a numbah of common fellaws with good voices to do the yellin', also." V