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About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (Nov. 6, 1904)
pld you ever notice ho many different thing! will suggest your favorite story to you? Other folk! hare noticed It The man who can 'do one thing well rhculd not be content with that He la ex pected to do the next thing better. The Top o' the Mornin y W. . Nesbit. B Mean Old Thing. 8 ie '.-j v.-. ... . . :;" I 1 fe ii "Your wife," says one of the men in the background, "seems freatly preoccupied tonight." "Yea." anawera the husband. " I didn't want her to hear what I vii telling you, ao I whiapered to her that her hat waa not on straight." THE COURSE flF CULTURE. "And so your race la gradually becoming civilized,' aaya the tourist to the chieftain of the savage tribe on the remote and almost inaccessible Island. The chieftain proudly twines a pair of suspenders about his high silk hat, and replies: " Indeed, yes. There seems to ' - no cessation of the wave of culture that struck our Isle about two years ago. Why, now we even call our tomtoms Thomas-Thomases." THE PERVERSE MODEL. S&Jd the artist to his model: "You are certainty at fault. Can't 1 get it in your noddle That you're 'Soldiers at the Halt'? "You're &. very trying model For you listen when you talk Anil you think a. half-way waddle Is the ending of a walk. "So 1 think, my useless model. That I'll amputate your head And I'll let you go and toddle As a walking beam, instead." In the end his useless model Made him happy and serene. And Good Luck came in to coddle Him he sold his great marine. The Other Way About. We have read ao many storlel of prominent peo ple being mistaken for waiters, and being handed tips, and cf how the promi nent people accepted the tlpa politely and afterward gleefully narrated the inci dent (Did you ever read of a prominent person who did not "gleefully narrate the Incident"?) we have read so much of this, we say, that we are moved to set down a peculiar Instance of a mistake of that nature. Last Tuesday evening Mr. Jeetna Duggs, a waiter em ployed at the Hotel Hy phenated, was standing near the door of the cafe, when a large, finely dressed man approached htm and touched him on the should er. " Pardon me, Mr. Van astorrich," said the large, finely dressed man, evi dently mistaking Duggs for the celebrated mllllo-bll-llonalre, " but might I have a moment with you?" Bowing assent, while In wardly keenly enjoying the occurrence, Mr. Duggs stepped with the stranger to a retired corner of the corridor, where the stranger told him that his stock on the Zlppety Cutt railway amalgamation had been sold at 185, showing a clean profit of ,R7fl,ooo. Non chalantly Duggs remarked that that was very fair, being determined to pre serve the illusion that he was Vanastorrlch. "Now, Mr. Vanastorrlch," continued the large, finely dreseed man,, "might I ask a small favor from you thla evening?" " Certainly." replied Duggs, al most bursting with rspreaaed laughter. " Will you oaah my check for 110,000. I want to drop Into a little game and haven't enough ready caah with me." Suavely extending hla hand for the check, Dugga took it, scanned It closely, then said: " Walt for me here one moment while I step to my apartment and get the note." Thla happened last Tuesday evening, as we atated In the opening paragraph or thla anec dote, and at U o'clock Wednesday morning the large, finely dressed man began to sus pect that a Joke had been played upon him, aa the check waa payable to bearer and the sup posed Vanastorrlch had not reappeared. Mr. Duggs, somewhere, la thought to be gleefully refraining from narrating the In cident. Modern Progress. We held it truth, with him who slnga On one clear harp, that soon or later A man may rise to higher thing If ha don't mlsa th elevator. THIS IS A FIERCE ONE. " So your old bachelor uncle has finally been married?" aays the caller. ' Tee." replies the bright child, " and we think that hie aurprlae for his nephews and nieces Is like that remedy for the boll weevil down in Texas." " I hardly understand you." " Oot 'em all an aunt." - Maud Missed the Trip. A charming young woman namsd Hand Was planning a trip far ahraud, ' 8h mined all that bother For one day her father In cornering wheat, dropped hla waud. At Palm Beach. If I r, Si VW " It must be quite a disappointment to you to be away down here and unable to do any shopping for winter hats and dresses." "0, 1 did all that before I came; and when we reached here I had the added pleasure of hunting for warm weather garb." JVOT FAR ENOUGH. " Now," said the suburbanite, getting out of the street car with his guest, " ve only have to walk a couple of miles up this country roa,d before we reach my street I don't know what we would do without that trolley line, even If It does end right here." ' They plodded along for about a mile, when the host re verted to the trolley line. " By the way," he asked, " what do you think of that new car service?" " It's all right, as far as it goes." As a FaVor. GOOD ADVERTISING. THE REAL HARDSHIP. " I suppose," said the onlooker, When the steeple climber came to the ground to get hla dinner, " that your line of business has a great many trying episodes." " Yes," responded the steeplejack, " Would you mind telling me what you eon elder the worst?" " It's having to hear people get Oft that Joke about me working overtime." THE LESSON OF THE TITLE. There was once a worm whose name waa lnchworm. Bo long aa he was a plain, poor, common everyday aort of worm he waa content to have his friends and neighbors address him aa "Mr. lnchworm. But after a time something happened that brought him to a realization of hla Im portance In the world. We don't remember Just what it was may be he waa elected to lomething or Inherited a fortune or wrote a popular novel. Any iow " Mr. lnchworm " uddenly seemed to him to be too plebeian a name for him. It conveyed too many Ideas of his humble origin and all that aort of thing. Bo he prefixed tho title " Twelve " to his surname of " Inch worm." Thereafter he signed ilmself " Twelve Inch worm." But. bless your .eart, that didn't make him a foot long. No, indeed. He was still the same old in'.b worm. This teaches us that distinction, unless It Is Inborn or honestly earned, does not add my figures to th total estimate of a man. Losing His Spirit. " I tell you," said the man wltti the beefy face, "that there young Bitters Is so lown on his lurk that he has lost his ways of gettln' back at a fellow." " How a that?" asked the listener. ' " O, I took him to dinner downtown the other day, because I knew he was bavin' a run of hard luck, an' while we was eatln' to gether I says to htm: ' I reckon you don't atrlke many such feeds as this when you're leadin' a hand to mouth existence like you are? ' " " And what did he say ?" " Nothin'. Just got red an' muttered somethln' about even hand to mouth Leln' better than knife to mouth." . OFTEN THE CASE. " Who is that man who is gnashing bis teeth and growling because those col lege boys raise such a racket with their yells?" afked the visitor, who was standing with his host on tbe corner while the fool ball teams went by. "That middle aged fellow over there? That's Grims by, the man who used to In vent the yells for the Yar vard boys away back in 'OS and '6U" The Turkey'! Fortune. The young turkey hen, with many giddy fluttering and turkey girlish giggles, was Induced to have her fortune told by the gypsy guinea fowl. " You are to have a brilliant future," declared the gypsy guinea fowl. " There is a dark hour ahead for you, when a dark man will come to your house. Be warned. Avoid him. If you evade this misfortune, then the fates decree that it shrill be your luck to be received at the table of the best people In this neck of the woods." The man who kicks merely ex asperates the umpire. The ordinary man has gathered the Impression that football Is an affair of wholesale slaughter. It Is not. There are but twenty two men concerned In it and It stands to reason that only about half of them can be hurt. wm ODD LITTLE HENRY'S SLATE. f 1 1 j FABLE OP THE FOXES. Once there were Two Foxes that crept along the back fences, looking for some Nice, Toothsome Chicken. Suddenly one Fox espied what appeared to be the Tall Feathers of a Domlnick Hen appearing beyond a Log. " I will slip up on that Hen and Nab her," he whispered. " Better go around the other way and run her back toward me, then we will be Sure of catching her," cautioned the other Fox. Without waiting to answer this, the first Fox leaped upon the Tall Fentliers, and an Instant later was roll ing over in Pain, for, Instead of a Hen, it was a discarded Bon net, in which there was a long Hat Pin, and the Pin had Im paled his face. " The Moral to this," observed the second Fox, trotting on to ward a Chicken Farm, " Is never to Jump at Conclusions." 0, WUIlim Kidd was a pit ale bold. Ye no, my Uds, ye ho. Hi iaed Iht teas in itarcfi of gold. Yo ho, my lids, yo ho. Ht faffed on born sides of the lint Tfit skull and bones he made his sign When ht found wealth, ht Hid: "Thai's mint I" Thrtt centuries ago. 0. William Kidd was a pirate bad. Thrtt tenturlts ago. A very dark reputt ht had Yo ho, my lads, yo ho. Ht'd board a ship and fake its hoard. Then: " Walk the plankl" ht fiercely roarti, " The ship Is all that I can board." Yo ho, my lads, yo ho. 0, William Kidd was a pirate great. Yo ho, my lads, yo ho, Ht tald: "I'll rob you while you waif " Three centuries ago. Ht had a long, low rakish craft With Long Toms both before and aft, And wickedly and loud he laughed. o no, my lads, yo no. 0, William Kidd was a pirate big. Yo ho, my lads, yo ho. Ht feared no frigate, bark, or brig. Yo ho, my lads, yo ho. And while his grim flag tlappti and tossed Above Ihe ship lhaf Bill Kidd bosstd, His victims knew lust how they lost, Three centuries ago. William Kidd was a plratt then, Three centuries ago. It ht should come lo lift again Yo ho, my lads, yo ho. Tht chances are thai he would lust Co out and organize a trust Ht knew the way lo raist tht dust Three centuries ago. Explanation Olfered. " Thla pie," said the young husband, look ing at his wife with a peculiar light In his' eye, " this pumpkin pie Is not a bit like th ones mother used to bake." " O. It Isn't?" she sniffed. " Well, maybe you had belter go" " No, It Isn't." he interrupted. " I can cut this one." COULDN'T PLEASE HER. "Pardon me, sir," said the waiter when the guest produced a microscope and began looking at his order. "May I ask why you do that ? " " I want to make this chop seem life size." "Would you be good enough to lend me the micro scope? I'd like to look at the last tip you gave me." What Ha Found Out. There was once a man who took all the axioms for OTe'lr face value, and fie went from drug store to drug store, ask ing: "Can you sell me an ounce of prevention?" But he could not find It; not even something Just as good. At length a druggist asked him: "Who told you to get an ounce of prevention?" " Nobody. I have heard, however, that an ounce of prevention la worth a pound of cure, so thought I would save some money." "Huh!" commented the druggist. "I knew no doctor had given you such advice. MsaMaaaasaaaassaaaaaaaaassaaaaaaBwaaaiaasBMaaaaasBiassi " You should not give m luob expenilv things," she said, admiring the nw ncoklaoe. " I have told you so often about that." " I know, and this time, instead of the real Jewel, I simply got a cheap Imitation, X hop it will plena you." And h could not understand why ahe lm mediately became oold a ioa, ' THE REASON. " Your heart haa turned to stone," h sale, And itarted out In grim dsipalr. " Ah, ye," she milled, and bent her haad To hi rival' solitaire. Where would his business and mine go if any one made such a prac tice popular? " "YoubAveo't got have' spelled right, mister." "Bub. Had it spelled right last week and nobody ever noticed the algn." 1 LABOR TROUBLES. " What was the cause of the fight between the mem bers of the union that Is out on strike?" " Well, one crowd fixed up a dummy of the employer, stuffed it with paper, hung It to a telegraph pole and burned It." " And the others objected to this proceeding?" " Yes." ' " An encouraging sign. When laboring men resent the offering of insults to their " " O. they didn't care ao much about the employer. What they kicked about was that the other fellows didn't hire a member of the paperhanger's union to hung the effigy." -r Cold, Tben Cold. " You make a great leal of cold casn.don't you?" aiked the witty caller of hie boat, tht Iceman. Taking the witty Caller by the hand, the Iceman led him alowly ta the cellar, where he exhibited a large bin filled with coal. "Thla," be a a I d, without the glimmer of a smile, " thla limy coaled cash." Kve n at that moment the furnace refused Wu bunur a draft. HIS SIDE OF IT. "I'm sorry," she said, 'that my dog does not seem to like you. Dogs, you know, are always particular about their friend." -So 'm I." he retorted. "So far I've been able to make enough human friends without being compelled to associate with brute for company." The ordinary woman has formed the im pression that football cannot be played early In the fall be cause chrysanthe mums bloom so late. There are people ao optimistic that they can enthuse over res taurant pumpkin pie. The question of where you will KptnU the winter often hinges upon "What did you spend last summer? " Gossip Is what oth er say about us; con versation is what we say about others. Really, the first snowfall is a beautiful eight if one only could keep from thinking of the parodies It will bring forth.' Afraid to Sleep. The most mai veloua feature of footLt.il is the way the plucis understand the nu merical signals of the man that tells them what to do next. From an old alma nac we copy: " About this time look out for magaslne storlea con senting beroea who carry the ball through the other team, kick goal from the thirty yard line, and marry the beroln ae a re sult." V I Did you ever notice bow funny the listen ers look when a wife aays: "O, yes. of course, John snd I have our little differ encea, but we never quarrel "? "What's the mivtter. Lew," asked FeJfgued Frederick. "Why don't you lie down tvnd get some sleep instead of hop ping tvround and keeping awake eJI the time." "It's awful." answered Lassitudinovjs Lewis. "Every time I've gone to sleep lately I've dreamed I had tx steady Job." A-The ..landed, and lav nphny at night j, wilit iMMtvy lujiij