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About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (Oct. 23, 1904)
You may revive all the old comic operas you wlh, but the Jukca In thrm have bean revived each season. Success Isn't half M nvil finding eat what you ere fitted for as finding ant whit yoa ere not fitted for. A NEW DISH. SHREWD SCHEME. 3 NDIANA Top o'tbe.Mornin'o ffigWoHMe$bit .. . - "Give us some class pell oysters." said Willi So f mors and Harry Whooptev as they pulled up to the table. Class y ell oystersr asxea tno matter, "raraon me, out woor art theyt" "Hotel Ravi Rati I" Young- man, when you arc studying the careers of the successful. It la well to bear la mind that a man never made hie money as fast aa he spends It If SHE COULDN'T UNDERSTAND IT. M Bllbberly would have been the man for that office." said Mr. Wunder, discussing the nominations of his party. " Bllbberly would have won In a walk." " Well, why didn't they elect hlmT" asked Mrs. Wunder. " He wouldn't run for It." " Why, Henry, you just said he could have won In a walk, so why should he have run, he" But Mr. Wunder was looking Into his paper and shuffling his feet uneasily. A Bunch of Them. - They won't give me a chance to get on my feet," sighs the harassed debtor, telling pf his financial troubles. " My creditors simply will have their pound of flesh." Somebody brought suit against your asked the sympa. LITTLE HENRY'S SLATE. initio inenu. " Suit? Suit?" shaking a dou ble handful of summonses. " Looks more like a whole ward robe to me I" Nothing exceeds like juccess. When we read of a man "achieving" rue cess we think how much smarter Is the man who buya a black ground farm than he who buys a sandy one because It is cheap. On the whole, a man who . Is a failure at everything Is more talked about In his own self hborhood than the one who makes money at every thing he tries. We don't know of anybody who Is so glad as the one who Is able to tell how he gave somebody his start unless It la the other fellow who can tell how ha gave the same man his finish. Already the women are beginning to talk abr-it Christmas ahop plng, thus destroying ths men's Thanksgiv ing appetites. Success may be a game of follow your leader, but It usually is changed Into the harder exploit of team ing your followers. Magaslnes are print td whose sole purpose Is to teach their read ers how tomake money. There Is no call for one to print articles en how to spend It Tell a woman you like her singing and tell a man you like the salad dreaalng he mixes and you are a aoolal favorite from the Jump. COOS Don't count your chickens before they are hatched: Let the other fellow buy them on bis own count An Element ol Uncertainty. "Prlssie says she Is going to marry either Godfrey or Oliver about the middle of November." - " Have those reckless youths been making another foolish elec tion betf Twai In fk efgftreenfo ccnfvrr There cams pioneer; He drove from Evansrille, did he, Clear north e Kenstllaer Of coarse sob know our language light Refer but tb cats city fife. This pioneer, fie looked for wood And timber land, did he. At list be cried: "Now, this Is good! Here It the poetreel " (We'd have tou know thtt if fhaf fme The Hoosier stale was sprouting rhyme.) This pioneer he spread fhe news All through the east and west; And nil fhe folks who wooed fhe Muse To Indians pressed. They br ay td the psnther and the lynx And were athirst for writing Inks. The rears rolled br, until at last In all the forest nooks The pens were scribbling fair and fasf And turning out the books. 'They'd make you sjgh, they'd make you faugh With epic and with epitaph. The children down Hooslerdom Before they learn to lisp Can make fhe fears of laughter come With okes hofh short and crisp. They turn their minds with perfect ease To tables and to fantasies. Upon the Wabash river's banks There Is no shady spot Where blank verse fs nof don with blanks And dramas turned out hot. Mvch gold comes fo fhe Hoosiet purse From novels and from nonsense verge. Whene'er you ask about fhe crops (You meaning corn or peas) The horny handed workman stops To talk of royalties. For ft Is on fhe Hostler loam Historic romance makes Its boat. It all fhe trees were fountain pens And all the streams were Ink, And legal cap floored all the eiens, , And eaves were stamps of pink Then Indiana might expect To send out all It dialect, Every time we think of how Adam didn't have to hang to a car strap to get home to dinner we are convinced that we were born several thousand years too lata, "Here's a lot of cigars I want you to hand out to the voters," said the candidate. "But, my gracious!" exclaimed the lieutenant, lighting one of the cigars. "If you give a man one of these ropes he will vote for the other man." MI know it. The Idea is to give htm one and tell him It is from my antagonist." Success has Its drawbacks. It takes forever from life the supreme joy of hearing the whis tle blow to stop work for the day. . . .- CC9 ENTERPRISE, M0lr," said the professional looking gentleman, approaching ths manager of ths quick lunoh room, " I should like to buy ths privilege of printing my adver- r : 4 I One time, brother, there was a voman who thought you an In tellectual giant because you knew how to tie all sorts of cravat HIS CAMPAIGN. M The Russian soldier, before going Into action," said the lec turer, " falls upon his knees, and then " "He falls upon the Japanese," interrupted the local wag, who had a. front seat The lecturer joined heartily In the laugh, because he wanted a return engagement Using card on your menus." " What line of business do you follow t " asked the manager. M I manufacture a, superior grade of pepsin pllL" Not Sufficiently Advanced. - " Tea," said the patent med.lolne manufacturer, " I will acknowledge that the Japs are a brainy people and that they have shown great military solenoe but what good does It do them?" " What goodT Why, map, can't you see how they ' O, yes, I can sea how they are getting more territory and all that, but can you cits to me a single one of the Japanese offlcers whose picture may be run alongside of s tea-tlmoniair AN X-RAY OBSERVER. When I corned home fum gramma's honse Where I had sUyed theejimmer f roo, Ify asnty say: " To. little mouse I X sse a lot of change In you I " ' An' sen X ast her how the knowed, Buhcause at my gramma's one time When I was playln' in th' road I swallered two cents an' a dime t ( i HER "SMILE." ' I met a beautiful girl In Tennessee," narrated the traveler. " They're all beautiful down there." commented the listener. "Tea, but this one gave me one or two smiles, andd I simply can't forgot them." " Impressed you, evidently." " Should say so. I'll bet there isn't any one on earth that can make a better Julep than she can." We have asked fifty men this last week, and every one of them always stood bead of his class In school. In those days 'they either had smarter IT ROUSED THEM. M This," explains the guide, Indicating the sarcophagus under tha pyramid, "is the mummy of Pharaoh Thohmes Umthtah; this second sarcophagus contains his mother, the Queen Mene Mene Mine Mo, wblto tht third sarcophagus contains her mother. Queen Mutha Rlnlah." , "Ah," comment! tourist, "then tha first Is Umthtah's mummy the second Is his mummy's mummy and tht third Is his gratidmummy'a mummy ?" j Amid the dead silence which ensued the sarcophagus containing the mummy bf the court Jester turned over eight times and soft groans pnKeededrortiJtsInU boys or classes. smaller IN SIIAKSPEARE'S FAVOR. It was at the meeting of the Einkvills Amateur literary and Pramatlo society. Prof, Mander Brathews, the eminent litterateur and dramatic critic, was the guest of honor and had been compelled to listen to a four act tragedy in blank verse by James Henry Sliggifer, the local wonder. " Now, professor,' sighed Miss Orsofeta Polumer, "do you think Shakspeare ever wrote anything like that?" "No, ma'am," answered the professor. "In fact, I never even believed the story which accused Shakspeare of having stolen venison." FELLOWSHIP. An automoblllst who had been injured in an accident came to in the hospital and found himself In charge of a special surgeon. ' " Tou are all right," said the surgeon, as surlngly. " I am an authorized practitioner. See, yonder hangs the license Issued to m) by the state." "Ah," sighed the patient. "My license number hangs on the back of my auto. They surely do make all us fellows come to taw, don't UieyT" ,v Advertises Him. The devil be smiled a cheery smile ; And he said: " It's a wlnaing gams. ' This praetles of luring with hidden guile. But still I should lack in fame If It weren't that everyone all the while 1 Kemembers my Old Nickname.1 Some men keep their brains so busy think ing where they can save a penny that they seldom see where they can make a dollar. - GOT ON HIS REEVES. At first the attending physicians are In clined to pronounce the man Insane. But there Is one among them who believes in going Into ths history of the case, "InaaneT" he remarks. "The man Is no more insane than I am. From what 1 gather he Is suffering from over exercise of motor nerves." " How do you make that out?" " Ha has to dodge automobiles all ths way , to and from his-office every day." Press agents do not expect their stories to be believed; (hay only expeot them to be printed. , ' DERMATOLOGICAl DIAGNOSIS. " Beauty," said the girl with the least of it " is only skin deep," anyway." " Yes, dear," replied her best friend, " and isn't It a pity that you are ao thin nklnnedT" All THS YEAS EOUNl). " I think you should be ashamed,' said the lady reformer to the lady Igorrote, " to ap pear in such a luck of costume." " Yes'm?" answered the lady Igorrote who had picked up considerable English as well as much information. " But In the winter you wear a decollete dress, do you not!" Yes." " And in summer a bathing suit?" " Yes." ' " We 1. I have hit upon a happy combina tion of the two."' ... K W hy, i. HON E S T THE REASON WHY. ' 'Tls odd that Amy sever smiles." "Why I Isn't Amy able I" " Perhaps, at times, but other whiles Bhs Isn't amiable." The wife of the successful man Is always, said to have been his Inspiration and help; but the unsuccessful man Is happier If be has a wife who Is a consolation and a help, A Dream Dispelled. There once was an observing young wom an wno took note of the fact that the men seemed to be abashed when In the presence of the maid who ruled the kitchen. Bo she went to cooking school and took t thorough course In culinary science, grad uating with hnors.. On a tlms she married a man, and she in sisted upon getting the meals herself. But, alas. Instead of standing In awe o! her and allowing her to boss the house hit wss quarrelsome and dictatorial and she was little better than. a slave. At last she threw herself at his feet and begged him to tell her why a mars was not as much afraid of his wife as be was of the cook. "Huh," he responded, "I'm pot afraid you'll quit your job and disorganise the household system." This shows us that conditions knock he plausibility out of theories right along; IT MAY BE. M Ths eyes are windows ef ths sol" Trtm this ths reaaea may be tracts Tktt will maks plala ths mystery Of vkf soms ma are patty '. If sn used te climb the ladder of success" round by round; now they stand In the cor ridor and klk because the elevatoy la cruwdvd. s K . "And do you think," she asked, "that you can read your future) In woman's eyes?' " Well, I never was so sensitive as to think I could hear It n her ' No's.' "