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About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (Sept. 4, 1904)
TwU W a Twtlhrt Parepa Rom was still cliai ga W ins: raid and bank notea not of the pockets of her audiences she ap peared ta conceit ia Hartford and la tbs same week, as U kanaeaed. ia which Mr. Oeaaeaa had delivered a lec ture. To boar Hark people had paid $L& Cor tha beat aeat fai tbe boose; to bear tba Iv sneant $5 far a aeat Car from Um beat. Bo tba local humorist wm moved to write to the committee' In charge of tha two en tertainment. He pointed out the mone tary partiality which had been shown, as serted that it waa obviously unfair and dosed with tWa: -If Mme. Rosa makes her money so much faater than I do mine merely becauaa she sings, let me tell you that I can sing myself, and am open to en gagements at bar terms." Ha promptly re ceived an answer: "A mere disturbance ia not music" ' "Unci Joe" Wot" Conceited. When tha statehood bill came up In con frees Representative Bartlett of Georgia, complicated matters by demanding that the engrossed bill be read. There had beea much parliamentary sharpehootmg on both idea and -there were load demands for a . ruling on this point. Speaker Cannon had beea trying to untangle matters with ITRlo success. Ha whacked tha desk with hia travel. ' "The chair rules" he Bald, and then he looked around In distress for Asher Hinds, tha parliamentary expert Hinds Jumped . tip and whispered a few wcrds to the speaker. Then "Uncle Joe," bis confidence restored, began again. Tha chair rules" "Mr.' Speaker," shouted John Sharp "Wil liams, the democratic leader, "is this rul ing to be made after a consultation?" ; "It Is." replied the speaker, "and T will ay I' have consulted with a parliamentary expert who has served this speaker and many speakers before him faithfully and well, and I will say further that be can give this speaker, and the gentleman from. Mississippi also, cards and spades." Welcomed tbe Visitation. President D. R. Francis of the St. Jouis exposition laughed heartily at some of the Stories told him during the recent democratic- -convention, and recompensed hia guests with the following: - "A preacher had learned from the local paper that the coming winter would abound . In socials, receptions; dances and card par lies. Clubs were being organised and halls engnged, and the Inducements for a season of gayety were very alluring. On the Sab bath following the publication of this item, a scathing rebuke on the frivolities of l'f was delivered from the pulpit. Some of the . members want home Indignant. ' Said Mrs. Jones to her husband: " Tha minister denounced our plana and ' Seel a red that the devil and all bis angels would make tha homes of this community their abiding place for the coming months, If the pleasures planned were Indulged In.' " 1 am glad to hear that,' sighed Mr. Jones, recalling a plumber's bin, "we'll be Insured for one season, at least, against frozen water pipes." " She Kkw of 0c. "TT1 admit." said a promtnent Pbitadel phla club woman, "that dab life has its lighter side, and here's aa instance: . - "Not so long ago a misguided mast was trying to address oar club upon the topic, Tbe Ideal Woman.' By way of Introduc tion be asked: 'Who among you has ever knows the Ideal woman yourself or knows asyoas who has ever beea tatlmately-associated with as Ideal wotaaar i depressing pause, which to Indicate a dMresfthur lack perfect woman, nobly planned. To render hia oratory more effective the speaker repeated the question, and the eyes f the mndleoce reflected surprise when a rseek and 'badgered looking woman In the rear lifted a haad above a rusty bonnet. " "So yen bare known aa Ideal woman? questioned the geatlotnan, " No faltered the woman, "but I have known one Intimately associated with her. She was my husband's first wife.' " Phil adelphia Press. Economy la. Death. State Senator Oeorge R Malby of Qrdcne burg told tbia one at tbe "Manhattan the other evening. "On the train on which I came down, two men. sitting oa the seat- next to me. were discussing tbe advantages and dlsadvaa. tages of living ia tbe country. One of them was a New Yorker and tbe other ' bailed from some coon try place. I " "Asd why dr yon live la tbe country. anyhow? asked tbe man from New York. " 'Just to aars money. was the reply. ""Why, are the expenses of living ss very much less as to Induce you to live la tbe backwoodaT "No; ea tbe ooatrary. they are some what heavier. " Then how on earth do you manage ts -save anythtngf ""Wen. yoa see. It's this way: I have ne theater or opera expenses now. That saves me on aa average of S0 a season. No en tertaining of J friends to expensive dinners or suppers, O.flOO a year. Ne club fines. $71. No fun or dissipation of any kind. (Z.OC a year. In fact' r. . "Bay, said, tbe New Yorker, suddenly, tapping tbe other on the knee, don't you ..think you would save money faster If you went out and dledr "New York Globe, " ' Ifrtit tunbev. The telephone bclOn the morgue ratnr xtoisOy the other night, and Night Clerk Armstrong hastened to answer it. . "lJf.Uo. can you save me two rooms?" sold the voice at the other end. "Haven't anything but small room a, and they'll all pretty cold." replied Armstrong. V "That's all right." came the answer. "What size slab do you prefer?" asked Armstrong. "Slab? Isn't this tbe Astor bouse?" "No, ITs the morgue." New York Sun. w ' -. A Uttls Too TDarWtsr. JuThis "Kruttschmltt of San Francisco, The general manager of the Southern Pacific railroad, recently gave out the largest single order for steel rails that the business world has ever known. A reporter. In discussing this order with Mr. Kruttechtnltt, called it a "daring" one. . "No," said the railroad magnate, smiling, "there was nothing daring about it. Dar Irg things are those that have la them something risky, something Insecure. For - Instance, you might torm 'daring' tbe well known action of Hanks, the milkman, In the millionaire's house." ' "Hanks, tba milkman?" said the reporter, puszled. . "Yea, Hanks, the milkman. He one morn- tng forgot to water his milk. In the back y hallway ef his best customer he remem bered, thht emission. A huge rub of fins dear water stood en tbe floor by his side; there was no one to spy on him, and ' thriee, before tbe maid brought up the Jugs, Hanks diluted bis milk with a large measure filled from the tub. Then he served the young woman calmly and went cm. . "As he waa bellowing dews Che next area, the first customer's foot aaaa beckoned' to bim. lie returned, aru) was ushered lata of the customer blmsrtt. t sntlHonaire. "Hanks," eald tbe gentleman. hereafter to water say own milk "X prefe " WeJl air said Hanks. It's useless ts) deny the thing, for I nuppon watching me whOe " 'No.- said the mlTttonatra. 'No watching you. But tbe (act la. Hanks, tbe eoBdren are taking medicinal baths. the tab ta the rear hallway was fan of i water.' " Pat's Mistake. A parrot In a country district escapes from its cage asd settled la tbe roof of a laborer's cottage. Tbe laborer had never seen such a thing before and climbed up with a view of semiring It. When bis head readied tbe level of tbetop of the roof, tbe parrot flopped a wing at bun and said: "What d"ye wantT" Very - snoch taken back, the laborer politely touched his cap and replied: "I beg your pardon air; I thought yoa were a bird!" Oeseextrvs UraU Tvafalaur. Some time before the late Oeorge Vest became a senator of the United States hs was one of a commission which waa ex amining applicants for admission to the Missouri bar. A youthful aspirant had tailed la several branches of the 'examina tion. "I regret to say," remarked Mr. Vest, that yon have failed ts come up to , tbe mark In the, branches of "law upon which we bare examined you. But," ha' dded in a most kindly spirit, "we will question yoa further. If you so desire." -Well, sir," responded tbs applicant. "I would suggest If you please, that I be questioned on tbe statutes." At this Mr. Vest smiled sadly. "My dear young man," . added be, "I do sot doubt that you're up ea the statute: but loo doubt that you wQl succeed in tbe law. Suppose yon should bare the utmost familiarity with tha statutes, what's to prevent the. legislature from repealing all yon know?" Iaslt Hoards Faetetam. A newspaper onrieapondent once asked Senator Hoar for his photograph. "Why certainly!" said the senator cordially. "Garland, go and alt for my picture." Gar land was one of his secretaries. The cor respondent looked puzzled. "Oh. that's all right," continued the senator, "Gar land always aits for my portrait, because bo la a much, better looking maa than I am. .When 1 am asked for my autograph I get Goodwin, my other secretary, to . write it, for ho is the better penman, and when I am asked for my opinion on any matter, the inquirer is referred to Doherty, my messenger. Doherty was Hoar's bandy man, among his duties being to guard the senator's door. He was men tioned In one of the Washington papers one day as Senator Hoar's "Fid us Achates." "Beo here, Doherty, what these newspaper men are calling you," said Hoar, pointing to the paragraph. "What does it mean?" asked Doherty, scratching his bend. "Oh, I wouldn't like to tell," replied his employer In a tone that seemed to show that tbe meaning was too shock ing to be translated Into plain KngHnh. forthwith the offended Doherty went out to - look for the "bloody spalpeen" whs called him a "Fldus Achates." Gen. Crooje was asked to pose for his ' picture the ether day by a news photo grapher. "I am too modest," said the Boar leader laughing. "But a great man liks you'" the pno ' tographar began. "Ob, If J were great I would be still more modest." said Ca. Cronja. lt nan tell the pr yon about the modesty ef a king King Frederick VI of Denmark mUm really was a great man. -Cremfe Tells a Story. , "King Frederick VI was vhdtmg a cer tain Danish school. .Tbs pupils were In telligent asd alert. He put a natsnber of questions ts them. ".'What, ne said finally. ere the names of Denmark's greatest klagsT, "The well read boys answered In ohorust " 'Canute, Waklerasr and Christian IV.' "Then the schoolmaster bent over a boy and whispered something, wbeseapon tha lad rose and raised his band. "'Wall,' said. the king, 'do yon know an other r . . " Tea, Frederick W the boy answered. "The king smiled. 'What great deed did be perform?' he said. "The boy was silent. Ha thought bard. Finally he stammered: " 'I don't know.' " 'Well, my child, be comforted. said the king. '2 don't know, either.' " 1 An Inieevuptod Sonar. The-late Senator Quay circulated a story wherein Speaker Cannon Is represented aa a singer. The occasion was a identical - banquet, where a discussion arose over the song, "The Old Oaken Bucket." 8ator Quay remarked: "I never beard it sung through In my life." "I will bet yon H that I can sing It through," asserted Mr. Can non. "Take you," said the senator. Acd the toaetmastcr will bold the ttnkes and be referee." Mr. Cannon cleared his throat and attacked the famous nld melody with grim earnestness. At tbe end of the first stansa Senator Quay got upon his . feet and Interrupted the song.' "I Mrtsh, to say. If I may be pardoned," he 4om menccd, "that I dislike to lose. It, but t ara willing to concede the stakes to my ad versary and take bis word for the accuracy of his knowledge if be will stop singing right where he Is." Ksew HU Limitation. Forres was conducting a rehearsal, which to htm was a serious and Important performance. Everything went well tntll it came tinua. for one of the "aupcrs" to speak a single line which fell to him la the character of a servant. 1 do not re call the exact words, but they were equiva lent to "My' lord, the carriage awaits thee. Tbe man delivered his lines in such an In sipid manner that Forrest Was tilled with rage. Stamping his foot and clenching his bands, tbo tragedian said: "That will tiover do. -Try it again." The tnan tried, it a second time, and this effort was Worse than bis first. The Irritation of lbs cele brated actor grew more Intense, and finally, taking the center of the stage, he said to the unfortunate super: "Watch tne and listen to m and you will see bow ibe part should be acted." Then walking tip to ward the footlights with a etatrfy tread, throwing out bis chest ar.d rafcttng his bead, be said, in deep, melodious tones: "My lord, tbe carriage awaits thee." . It was perfection, and Forrest looked to ward his subordinate with an air which . seemed to say: "Why don't yju do It Ji that style T" The man lifted his band la a respectful .manner and Mid: "Mr. Forrest, If you win permit me, I would like to make an observation. "Certainly, sir," said the tugedlaa, la bis " most niagnanlmous manner. "Go ahead." ' "It Is simply this." replied the other; "If I was able to deliver the lines In the manner that you have, Mr. Forrest, X would not be working bers for IS a weak,''- Chicago Tribune. .-.-ii