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About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (Aug. 28, 1904)
One on CroiTfno', I amusing Incident that occurred I fliiHnip n. rwilftciil meetinir in Ken tucky to which Representative Grosvenor. the republican war hurso of Ohio, hud been invited for tho purpose of making a speech. Tho suave chairman of the meeting arose. And said: "Ladies and gentlemen, it is needless to observe that wo are fortunate, most fortu nate, in having with us tonight tho most eminent of republicans from the imperial Btate of Ohio. We shall have tho great pleasure of listening tonight to a man whose najno Ih a household word through out this great country a man who la probably as well known in this stale ns he is In his own. You all know him. This man is our friend; his name Is ever on our lips. Indies and gentlemen, I have the very great pleasure of introducing to you that stanch patriot, that sterling re publican, that unsurpassed statesman. General, General" Here the chairman became very red, stammered, turned pule and then red again. Finally, the suspense of the thing becom ing too intense for 1dm: "General Gossamer of Ohio!" New York Herald. Knnaton on Valor. General Funston, at a dinner party, com plimented the valor of tho Japanese. "Their valor," he said, "is not like tliat Of a certain captain of the past. "This captain was about to lead his com pany into battle. Ho drew his sword and waved it. " 'Now, my brave fellows,' he shouted to his men, 'you have a tough struggle before you. Fight like heroes until your ammuni tion Is gone, then run like antelopes. I'm a. little lame, so I'll start now.' " ' Shot at thr Miller. Congressman Wade of tho Second Iowa district hits a well established reputation as wit and raconteur. Especially in the latter role does ho show to advantage. One of bis best stories is about a young man who took a sack of grain to nn old fashioned mill to havo it ground into meal, Tho ponderous wheels revolved ho slowly that only a tiny stream of meal trickled feebly, while tho young man patiently waited. Finally his patience was ex hausted and ho complained to the miller. "Do you know," lie said, "I could eat that meal faster than your old mill can grind It." "Yes," replied the miller, "but how long could you keep on eating It?" "I could keep on eating it until I starved," was tho conclusive answer of the young ma n. Lincoln' Puaaes. Lincoln's humor armed him effectively against the importunate persons with whom, as tho head of the nation, ho was During the civil war a gentleman asked him for a pass through the federal lints to Richmond. "I should be happy to obligo you," said Lincoln, "if my passes were respected. Hut the fact is, within the last two years I have given passes to 250,000 men, and not one has got there yet." Youth's Com panion. He Ws Keonomlral. Thomas W. Lawson, the r.oston million aire, believes that it Is rather through en terprise and originality than through econ w kj n ii &i omy that financial success may be at tained. "The time Is past," he said the other day, "for such economy as used to be prac ticed by an old Boston restaurauteur, who recently died. "The old felow was economical to excess, but while he pottered about his kitchen, trying to make one egg do the work of two, his neighbor across the way was in troducing a roof garden and a mandolin orchestra, and the economist, I understand, hardly left enough on his demise to pay his debts. "He was, beyond any doubt, an econo mist. A couple of plumbers were work ing one day in his cellar. It was too dark there, to t:ee, and the men asked fur sumo light. " 'Well,' said tho old fellow, 'here's a candle. Make it go as far as you can.' " 'One candle won't do,' said tho plumb ers. 'It won't give us sulllclent light. We must have two.' "The old man knit his brows and thought. "'How long, boys, will you bo woiking down here?' he said. " 'About fifteen minutes," said the plumb ers. "Then," said the restauranteur, 'cut the candle In two.' " Hoston I'ost. An 1'nuNiinl Sitcl'l. Shortly before he sailed for Kurone Colo nel W. H. Cody (iiufTalo Hill) was enter taining Dr. J. Ij. Cirdner with a few les sons in ethnology gleaned from his experi ences among tho Indians in the early days. "I'y (he way. Doc," he asked abruptly, "ever see a red-headed Indian?" "Never did, and never heard of such a freak, colonel." "I saw one, a Cherokee, down on tho Fort Scott trail," quietly answered Cody, and then stopped, waiting for "a rise." It came. "Rather unusual sight, that, wasn't It?" "Itather: but, you see, this Indian was bald." New York Times. Told l. VUolll. At a reception that was tendered him in the mayor's office ut liul'f.iio, Cardinal Si l tolli praised tho fearless, Independent, hopeful charade" of t lie typical American. "This independence and hopefulness and conlidcnce," ho said, "are to be found here, I have been told, even in the little children of the poor. "The bootblack, tho newsboy, the vender of shoelaces never n pines or despairs, for ho knows that ho will save enough money to go to college and, eventually, he will graduate in law or medicine. "I havo a friend In America, a rich mer chant, who bought a paper one morning from a newslxiy whose nature must have been admirably confident and hopeful. "My friend had not the money to pay for his paper, and tho newsboy said: " 'I'll trust you, sir.' "A day or two afterwards, parsing down thut way, my friend singled out the news boy nnd accosted him. " 'You, I believe,' he said, 'are the boy I bought a paper from tho other day when I had no change. I owe you a penny. Hero It Is, and thank you.' "But the newsboy waved aside the penny. "'Oh, that's ull right.' ho said. 'Ke p U for your honesty.' " I'liiladclphia Record. (Story from 'Way Illicit . "Private" John Allen tells the following as illustrative of the partiality of the southern darky for long words of who.-. meaning he Is ahsolutr'v Ignorant: "A negro named Klljah Thomas, living In Tupelo, Miss., recently chanced to meet a friend who complained of feeling miser able. In fact. Thomas' friend feared for his life, so "tuckered out" waa ho. " 'W'ot's do matter wlf youp' Inquired Klljah. " 'I.IJe.' moaned ttie second negro, Indi cating the rpglon where the pain lay. 'l'pe got ruch a awful pains In mah back head!' " "In dat case,' resjndid Klljah solemnly, 1 knows what you oughter do! You oughtor go over ter Jackson. ley says dat dcre's d finest baekterlolglst ever dero in do whole tiiuf!' " AHtc and Dead Paaarnarra. Carter Harrison, mayor of Chicago, while on his way wept, chanced to meet an ac quaintance, nnd together they traveled, chatting about boyhood days. The con ductor came along, took Up the ticket of tho ucoualntanco, placed a tag on his hat, nodded pleasantly' to the mayor and, with out examining tne latter's pass, went on. "ThaJik you," said the acquaintance to the eonductor. "WTiat did you say that for?" asked the mayor. "Why, for the manner In which he dis tinguished between us and for indicating that I am still classed among the living." "I fall to understand." declared tho mayor. "It appears to me as very evident," ob served the mayor's companion cautiously, "that the conductor docs not consider it necessary to label a deadhead." Per fori 1-S SnlUflcd. Felix Adlcr, notably witty In his lectures, has, too, a decided humorous vein In con versation. Here Is one of the stories ho tells on himself in casual tiUk: Two women Who had attended Mr. Adler's lectures at Carnegie hall, New York, for many con secutive Sundays with unfailing regular ity finally called on the lecturer one day ut his home. "U'e wish to tell you In per ron, Mr. Adlcr," they said, "how much wo have njoyed your lectures. We wish to thank you for them. Wo havo enjoyed them for months, nnd now wo go back to our own church perfectly satisfied!" Couldn't I. one It. Anent the enso with which some politi cians, both democrats and republicans. Ignore the principles of their party, yet da'm to be loyal thereto when there are spoils to be divided, Senator Uacun of Georgia recently told this story: "An old negro down my way arose at prayer meeting one night and delivered himself thus: 'iiredderln an" sislerln, fso been n mighty mean nigger in my time. Ise had er heap er ups an' downs 'spe cially downs seneo I Jlned do church. Ise stolo chickens nn' watah million. Ise cussed. Ise got drunk. Ise shot craps. Ise slashed udder coons wld my mzah, an' IS'j done er sight er udder things, but, thank do good Ixiwd, bredderin an sisterin, Ise nebbrr yet los' my religion.' " New York Times. An Omen. General F. S. Hodre sat In the lobby of the Grand hotl of New York. "As a rule," lie said, "I don't believe In omens. Once, Rt a wedding, though. I heard a sentence that I considered ominous indeed a sen tence pregnant with prophetic meaning. "This sentence, Just before the ceremony began, was directed in a stern volco by tho officiating clergyman to thti mother off the bride. It was: " 'Step a little farther back, jnadauu "- New York Herald. r'lmed. Sir Conan Ioyle recently told a story ot an Kngltsh officer who was lmdly wounded In South Africa and the military surgeon had to shave off that portion of his brains which protruded from Ids skull. Tho officer got well, and later on In 1ondoit tho surgeon asked whether ho knew that a portion of his brains was In a glass holtla In a laboratory. "Oh, that docs not matter now," lepliid the soldier, "I've got a per manent position in the War office." Sec onI-llanl Serinnna. Cyrus Townsend lirady, wh'tn In the west as a young clergyman, met a negro Methodist circuit preacher whose dlslilet also coven d a vast expanse of turiitory, anil who, la consequence, was alilo to tisn a sermon a long time, so many different communities' did he lsit on hla rounds. He hail gone about three-fourths of the way 'round on one occasion when, coming front his church after the scrvlco, ho encoun tered an old n gro, who, hat In hand, ap proached and said: "Hat's mighty fine sermon, sah, oil yoh'a Ah likes it ehrry time Ah hear I It. Hct mt we cross each other's tract putty of'ri, sah, fo' today makes the sev enth bles t time Ahse heard yo' preach It. Ah'm a bit uv u preacher inyse'f, sah; all' Ah wants ter say dat when yo' gits flu wid dat sermon. All's ready ter buy it, sail. Ought ter last a long lime yet, suh; it urn such good stun. 'Heed, pah, Ahse willln ter gib yo' fo' bits now, Jos' to bin' to bahg'in, sah." New York Tlmta. AVonliI llxil:iee n Stnr, Representative Charles F. Lundls, of In diana, one evening sought rest nt a rural inn, tho proprietor of which was opposed to hi ni politically. While, seated on the veranda a st ir fell und elicited from the landlord's wife the comment, "Another Boul has gnnt; to heaven." "Madam." naked tho stateMinen good na turedly, "will a star fall at my death, anil Indicate that I, too, have pi.no to heaven?" "Mr. I-ar.dis," raid the woman, luiughllly, "to make room for such a big man ua you hi heaven a star must fall." It Was u Sure Cure. "There la no excuse for illegible hand writing," said Miss J ..met I a I,. Gilder, edi tor and critic, "A lyiwwrltcr is one cure for illegibility; euro is another cure, and a third euro has been devised by a fricnj, of mine. "My friend writes well enough herself; she applied the cure to a certain woman who writ 's miserably. This woman luul bothered her with a number of illegible notes, and finally, when one came that was unusually hard to read, lay friend sat down and wrote In answer to It: " '1 tal o great plot si re in accepting your kind invitation to dinner tomorrow cvcnlns; at 0 Tills brought a quick call on tho tele phone. " 'My note asked you to subscribe to our tree Ice fund,' tho woman said, 'it was not a dinner invitation.' " 'You write so badly,' said my friend. " 'Oh, I'll bo very much more careful In the future,' said the woman. "And since that time, I understand, her writing has been legible enough." NcW York Tribune