Image provided by: University of Nebraska-Lincoln Libraries, Lincoln, NE
About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (Aug. 14, 1904)
m I XL XL II & IHIstalten in the ' Ha me. X-SENATOR HENRY G. DAVIS. E within the hour of his nomination 1 for vice president, was sought out by a correspondent for a news paper that has a penchant for middle names. According to instructions wired from his office, the reporter asked: "Senator, what does the 'G' in your name land for?" "Gassaway," was tho reply. "But really I must tlnd out," eald the reporter, smiling faintly. "Gassaway," repeated the candidate. "Is that "West Virginian for 'chase your. elf ?' " inquired the young man. "No," chuckled the ex-senator, "it's my middle name an old family name." "Oh," said the correspondent. "I thought It was a slang expression I hadn't heard before." New York Times. Charles Dana Gib.soii, tho illustrator, re ceived tho other day a printed letter from a well 'known manufacturer of soap. Tho letter said: "You are cordially invited to participate In a drawing contest for a prizo of $J5. The drawing must be an original composition that will advertise our soap. Only one prize will be given, and all unsuccessful drawings will become tho property of tho undersigned." The letter amused and irritated Mr. Gib eon, lie smiled at It, and then he frowned at It. Finally, having nothing to do for the next five minutes, he sat down and wrote to the soap manufacturer as follows: "You are heartily Invited to participate In a soap contest that I have inaugurated lor a prize of $150. Each competitor must submit 100 pounds of his best soap, put up In ornamental one-pound boxes, and all the soap that is not adjudged worthy of tho prize will remain the property of the undersigned. It is necessary that tho soap be forwarded prepaid." Cleveland Leader. , Beat the Record, Booker T. Washington tells of a shrewd preacher of his race, Rev. Washington Johnson by name, who resorted to the following method to raise funds: At the conclusion of his sermon one bright Sunday morning he said: "Brethren and slsteren, I hab demonstrated abstrusedly dat de Lord hatca a thief dat is not to be propi gated by no ofTering, thefo' I beg de pusson or pussons who stole yo' pastor's hog to make no contribution at tho circulation of do offertory platter." The collection boat all previous records. New York Tribune. Why Bishops Make Him Laogh, Marcel Prevost, the French novelist, is a favorite in tho American colony of Paris. "Whenever I see an English bishop," said M. Prevost, at an American dinner party, "I laugh a little to myself, for the good man's stately presence reminds me of a terrible mishap that once befell me. "I entertained a certain bishop last year at dinner. My butler, an elderly man, had brought in from a. friend's house an in experienced lad to help him in the dining room, and it seems that this lad, during the laying of the cloth,' annoyed the butler beyond endurance with questions as to his duties. " 'How shall I hold the plates?' " Do I serve the dishes on the right or on the left side of tho guests? " 'Must the bishop be served first or sec ond?" "So he continued interminably, and at last the impatient butler said: " 'All you will need to do will be to dtand behind the bishop's chair, and whenever bis lordship puts down his glass you must reach over and wipe bis mouth with a nap kin.' "That, as the butler expected, allenced hl assistant But the young man actually took the butler'a ironical remark for a serious order. As soon as dinner began he sta tioned himself behind the bishop, waited till his lordship had drunk and put down his glass, and then, as deliberately as his nervousness would permit, he opened out a largo napkin and wiped the dignified old gentleman's mouth. "Imagine my horror." The It-lull in m'a Aaavrer. "The son of the Emerald isle will get In his work," declares Private John Allen, whose stock of good stories never runs low. "Patrick O'Flanagan and a good fellow named Sanders, the latter a great fighter in his day and who was at the time this story was born in the employ of Justice of the Peace Shook, before whom the two men were arraigned on a charge of breach of the peace, "O'Flanagan and Sanders had been en gaged In a scrap, a set-to which was called in those days a 'fist and skull.' The evi dence had been submitted and It was clear both parties wre at fault, but O'Flan agan more to blame than Sanders. The Irishman was fined a 10 spot and Sanders got off with a 5. O'Flanagan didn't relish this, and complained to tho Justice that he had shown partiality to his employe. " 'I would have you know, sir,' snapped the Justice angrily, 'that I would neither respect Neptune for his trident nor Jupi ter for his thunder. " 'An' are ye shure,' answered Pat, 'ye wouldn't git on yer knaze to Bacchus for his whisky?'" Washington Times. Roosevelt an a Police-man. 'I was once Impressed in a rather inter esting way," said T. J. Dales, a New York lawyer, "with President Roosevelt's readi ness to sacrifice pleasure for business. When he was police commissioner of New York, Mr. and Mrs. Bradley Martin gave their famous ball. "It was certain that there would be a great crowd outside the Martin house on the night of the event and that the police would have their hands full in keeping a clear passageway for carriages and guests. Mr. and Mrs. Roosevelt had re ceived invitations to the function. A few days before the day set for it, Mrs. Martin happened to meet the police com missioner. " 'Of course, you are j"mlng to my ball,' she remarked to him. " Mrs. Roosevelt will be there, he an swered, 'and I won't be far away. I'll be out in tho street in front of the house di recting the police.' "It was as he said. While distinguished men and beautiful women, many of them friends of the police commissioner, were alighting from their carrlnges and passing Into an environment that was all that wealth and art could make it, Mr. Roose velt was conspicuous in the street, as busy as any patrolman with that surging crowd." W h r Ton Are Jlrokc. Few men who rise to wealth or to posi tions such that they have appointments at their disposal are without a number of friends who, having less backbone, or be ing of the proverbially unlucky class, look to the more successful for frequent rescue from disaster. A certain Pittsburger, who has mnde more than a little money by thrift and foresight, is no exception to the rule. He has a friend who has many dreams, but il il all of them turn out baseless. Among this friend's weaknesses is "playing the ponies," and ho has more systems of do ing the bookies than anyone else in the city. Tho fact that the bookie keep right on in the business does not seem to dis courage him entirely. Each time he goes broke it Is his habit to call on his rich friend and make a touch, explaining that he has a new plan, which will enable him to repay all ho has "borrowed" and have something left be sides. Not very long ago he went to this friend's office and explained that he was on the inside of the races at Hot Springs, and If he could secure $700 was sure of making It increase at an alarming gait. He secured the $700 nnd departed for the health Mecca. Three days later, on a Saturday afternoon, came a telegram say ing: "I am broke. How shall I act?" The prosperous friend took until Mon day morning to think out the appropriate answer. Then he wired; "Act as if you were broke." Pittsburg Gazette. Not Very Deaf. Tho venerable General John H. Ketcham of Dover Plains, N. Y., for many years a member of congress, Is noted for his gener osity and kind-heartedness. Tho general is quite deaf, and many a yarn is related anent that detect. One morning he was standing in the lobby of the house looking over his mall when an impecunious employe, of congress, one of that sort who Is always borrowing but never repays, stepped up and accosted him: "General, can you let me have $5 till pay day?" "Eh, how's that?" said tho general. The employe, remembering tho general's reputation for being easy, concluded to take advantage of it. "I say, cau you let mo have $10 till pay day?" "No," said tho general, "I'll let you have $5; that's what you asked mo for at first," Philadelphia Public Ledger. Why It Wna Postponed. There is in one of tho departments la Washington a handsome and still young widow, who has made two matrimonial ventures already, and is now engnged to a bachelor business man of that city. A few weeks ago a friend asked her when the wedding was to occur. "Oh, not before next year," sho replied. "But why do you have such a long en gagement?" the surprised friend inquired. For a few moments the widow hesitated, and then replied: "I'll tell you the real reason, but you must solemnly promise never to repeat what I say." Of course the friend, consumed wUh curi osity at the mysterious manner of tho widow, promised as requested, and then told the story to all her confidential til nds, which accounts for its appearance here. "Well, you see," she f&ld, "when my sec ond husband died I had a fine monument erected over his grave and havo since been paying for it on the installment plan. I will not have It completely settled for until the early part of next year. Of course you will appreciate the Impossibility of my tell ing Harry and asking him to finish paying for It, and that Is what I would have to do if we wero married very soon." New York Times. Southern Standpoint, Dr. C. Alphonso Smith, recently elected president of the University of Tennessee, mil ;. , ..m&zzzp . - has been chuckling to himself tor the list few days over a letter he got from a con federate veteran. Since the publication some moths ago of his English grammar. Dr. Smith has received many congratu'a tory, letters, but none that gave him so much real pleasuro as the one fiom the old Kentucky soldier, who is one of that fast disappearing few who havo not yet found out that tho civil war is over. "I have read with pleasure," the Ut'.cr said, "your English grammar, and I want to writo you a personal note of thanks for giving our school children such a text book. But, as an old confederate soldier, I want to thank you especla'ly and tell you how happy I am that a grammar hiw at last been written 'from the bouthern stand point.' " When Dr. Smith was asked, when ha showed, the letter, how he could possibly havo drngged "tho southern standpoint" into an EngllRh grammar, ho replied: "I'm sure I don't know. But perhaps in illustrating somo constructions 1 used a seutenco like this: " 'One confederate whipped ten Yua kocs.' "New York News. This Lnnntlc Waa Practical. Santoe-Dumont was dlscusring with a re porter the charge that ho had mutilated hir own airship at St. Louis. "Why should I have done that," he sa d. "Either I was crazy to have done it or they were crazy who charged me with d lrg It. The whole thing reminds mc of an ep de that happened before a lunatic asylum. "A lunatic," continued the aeronaut, "leaned over the fence, of the asylum grounds, watching a repair Job that was going on. Finally he took the p'pe fioia his mouth, blew a fragrant cloud of tmoka into the air and said with languid In; crest to tho middle aged man who was diguing a hole with a spade In tho hard, stony soil: " 'What wages do you get, friend?' " 'Six dollars a week,' said the laborer, and he unknotted tho red handkerchief that encircled his neck und wiped the tweat from his face. " 'Are you married?' continued the luna tic. " 'I am,' said the laborer, 'and I am th fathor of eleven young children besides.' "The lunatic, pulling his pipe, mused m little while. Then he said: " 'I'm thinking, friend, you're on tha wrong side of the fence.' "Boston I'oM. Truly Historical. At his coal camp at Ziglcr, 111., Joreph Letter was talking tho other day about Paris. "In Farls, on autumnal afternoon, an other American and I boarded a carriage for a drive," he said. " 'Whero shall I tell the cabby to take us?' my friend said. " 'Oh, anywhere,' said I. "Accordingly he told the man to drive us to tho tomb of George Washington. "The cabby bowed gravely and whipped up. For an hour he tooled us hi ro ui d there, and up and down, and finally he ha'ted before a statue in a little square of grass. " 'Behold, sirs,' he said, 'the tomb of the great. Immortal George Washington.' "We looked at the statue. " "But why,' said my friend, 'does the ln scrlptlon here refer to Christopher Colum bus?' ' " 'Because, sirs,' replied the cabby, 'they were twin brothers, and died in each Oliv er's arms to save tho crown of England.' New York Tribune. y