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About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (July 24, 1904)
Bet Right by I.nftie. PI who bu published In the Tale TT ! ii mm IVa mnflt thnrftllffh attldv of suicide that ha yet been made, had occasion. In the coarse of hi researches, to visit a munbf of Insnne asylums. There ha would question rirh Inmates as had attempted, or had threat ened to attempt, to kill themselves. Prof. Bailey spent a certain afternoon 'With a lunatic who had thrice tried sui cide. He had a loner and Interesting talk with this man. Finally, looking at a clock on the mantel and noting- the lateness of the hour, he was amazed. "Is that clock right?" he said. "Friend." replied the lunatic, with a su perior a!r, "do you think It would be here If It was right?" Detroit News-Tribune. Tested His Langs. Del Valentine says a Swede went from Clay county recently for a time in New York. Among other unaccountable things be did was to buy a silk umbrella costing 17.50. Then he drifted down to Coney Island and into a building where there were striking bags, lung testers, etc. Com ing home, he told the rest of the story as follows: "Ay luk at lung machine. Man luk at ma eon sa hae bat tan dooler ay can bust ma chine. Ay tank so, too. Man sa, put fain Stick down hare by door en blow yourself one tarn for luck. Ay sa, noo tank yo. Hae sa. It cost you not one skayoodelum, ay weel stand price youst to see you brak machine Ay do eet, en stand umbrella een corner.. Den ay grab hose een bote bans en blow lak Sam Hill en get hands of machine roun past twelaf o'clock. Man ay .now putt queeck en hard. Ay do eet Ay blow so beeg light all go out queeck lak flash. Falar aware lak aailoren an' what een hal ya mean ba sooch tang. Ah laugh en laugh, et be sooch good Joke on house. Purty soon light com back, but ma umbrella been gone long tarn. Nice mans who paid price ha been gone. too. Cashier She sa ay been only man ever blow llphts out one tarn; an she ban mad, too. nut ay laugh eet been sooch gude yoke on fal ter." Kansas CUty Journal. Offered Kin- Edward Iler Pipe. It to said that King Kdward tells with great glee that when in the west of Ire land last year he one day went Into a cabin whose only occupant was an old woman who sat by the turf fire smoking an old clay pipe. The old lady welcomed the king, and asking him to sit down wiped a three-legged stool with her apron. The king did so, and said: "Do you know who I am, ma'am?" "Begorra! I don't," was the reply. "Well, I am the king of Krsland." "D'ye tell me so!" said the old lady In a tone of surprise, and then, remembering the rights of hospitality, she took the pipe out of lier raoutb, wiped the shank with her hand, and, passing: it to the king, said: "Will ycr honor shmoke?"' Philadelphia Record. -0- Driver Warn Glad. On one occasion Daniel Webster was on his way to Washington and was compelled to proceed at night by stage from Balti more. He had no traveling companion and the driver had a sort of felon look which produced no Inconsiderable alarm In the senator. "I endeavored to tranquillize myself," said Mr. Webster, "and had partly suc ceeded when we reached ' the dark woods between Rladensburg and Washington a proper scene for murder and outrage and here, I confess, my courage again deserted me. Just then the driver turned to me, and with a gruff voice Inquired my name. I gave it to Mm. "Where are you going?" said ho. The reply was: To Washington- X am m senator." Upon this driver seized me fervently by the hand and exclaimed: "How glad I am! I took you for a high wayman I" Rochester Herald. Aa Old One Retold. The late P. T. Barnum used to tell this story: "An Irishman onoe sat In front of me on a rear seat of an open Broadway car, smoking the heel of a pipe that was not very sweet. A nervous woman car rying a poodle boarded the car and sat down In the sole remaining seat on my right and just back of the Irishman, who was smoking hard. She twitched and fumed and finally, with some heat, told the Irishman to desist. He referred her a seat further forward, without the confines sacred to smokers. The nervous lady with the poodle squirmed and fidgeted and re peated her demand. The Irishman kept on smoking. Suddenly she leaned forward, snatched the pipe from his hand and threw It into the street. "The Irishman turned around quickly, but instead of swearing he seised the poodle, patted It and threw It Into the street. "The passengers enjoyed mixed sensa tions until the poodle relieved the situa tion by trotting up to the foot rail with the pipe In bis mouth." New York Times. FUlfrngr Oat the Cheat. Among those who crowded around Sena tor Fairbanks after the nominations at the Chicago convention was an old Indiana lawyer who somewhat embarrassed the vice presidential candidate by piping out: "Ah, Charlie, I knew you'd get to be a big man one of these days." "Seems to me. Judge." replied the sena tor, "that I was pretty big when you used to teach me law." "Yep, Charlie, you were a tall lad," cried the old man In a high voice. "Natnre has set your head pretty high, but this here nomination will fill you out about the chest." A Mantra! Argument. George Kennan, the well known Journal ist, was talking about the naive and child like minds of sailors. "Two sailors,' ho said, "once attracted my attention In London. They were lunch ing In a restaurant, and I took a table near them so as to hear their talk. It was plain that they had Just returned from a very long voyage. "'Hark! Hear that!' one of them sud denly exclaimed. "All I could hear myself was a very harsh voice raised above tho traffic of the street In a hideous bellow, but the sailor said: " 'Ah, Jack, it's many a day since we've heard that song.' " 'What song7' said the other. " 'The one that chap Is slngin' In the street "The Banks o' Doon." ' " 'Go on,-1 returned the second sailor. That ain't "The Banks o Doon." I been a-llHtenlng to It for some time. It's "Dar ing, I am Growing Old." ' "They argued the matter a while. Then they told a waiter to go out and ask the man in the street what it was that he was singing. "The waiter hurried forth, and on bis re turn said: " 'The feller ain't slnKin at all, gents. He's hakwln' flypaper.' "Cincinnati En quirer. In a Millionaires' Poker Game. "In the famous Sliver Bow club, in Helena, they used to play big poker," said Artemus I. Litchfield of Canada. "At the game one day sat Marcus Daly, Senator Hearst and J. B. Haggln, when there burst in a radiant New York drum mer, who bad a two weeks card to ths in stitution. He marched up to the players and politely asV""J If he might take a hand. "'Why, yea; "come right In.' said Daly. "The drummer pul'ed out a roll of bills and threw a hundred-dollar note on the , table. Let me have chips for that,' be said gravely. Hi -rent to bans; up bis coat and hat When be returned the bin still lay on the table. " What's the matter, gentlemen? the traveling man haughtily Inquired: ain't my money good?' "Why, yea, to be sure,' saM Daly Hearst, give the gentleman one white chip.' "Louisville Herald. The Interpreter Gave Cn, When Senator Albert J. Beverldge was) gathering material In Rusula for his book, "The Russian Advance," he had an amus ing experience with a native Interpreter. Mr. Beverldge has the prime quality of the successful man, a capacity for hard work. Having engaged the Interpreter, Mr. Beverldge started In on a good day of American "hustle," with this result After first day's work, from T a. m. to T p. m., Interpreter somewhat exhausted. Mr. Bev erldge fresh and hearty. After socond day's work, same hours. Interpreter gasp ing, Mr. Beverldge enthuidasticaEy plan Ding the work for the next day. After third day's work. Interpreter requesting a day off for rest, Mr, Beverldge regrettfully giving the permission. But after that day the Interpreter never turned up again. Later the senator heard that be com plained be couldn't work with a man who wanted to do a year's work la a day. Sub sequent frequent relays of fresh Interpre ters enabled Mr. Beverldge to accomplish bis own, work in bis own way. Harper's. They Were Units. "Because I am a railroad man, said George Oould, ""railroad happenings and Incidents Interest me. My friends, aware of this, bring me whatever odd railroad news they come upon. Thus I beard the Other day of a good revenge. "It seems that, at a suburban station, a truln was starting off ono morning when an elderly man rushed across tho plat-, form and Jumped on one of the slowly moving ears. "The renr end brakeman, who was stand ing by, reached up, grabbed the old man's cnattatls and pulled him off the train. " There,' he said, sternly. 'I have saved your life. Don't evor try to Jump on, like that again.' " "Thank you,' said the old man. calmly. Thank you for your thoughtful IJndness. It is three hours till the next train. Isn't nr " 'Three and a quarter,' said the brake man. 'The long train, meanwhile, had been slowly gliding by, slowly gathering speed. Finally the last car appeared. This was tho brakeman's car, the one for which be had been waiting, and, with the easy grace that is born of long practice, . be sailed majestically onto it. "But the old gentleman seized him by the coat and with a strong Jerk pulled b!m off, at the same time saying, grimly: " 'One good turn deserves another. You saved my life; I have saved yours. Now wo are quits.' " Every Dog Ilia Day, One of tho oldest employes of the sen ate tells this: When Colonel John P. Farnsworth rep resented an Illinois district In the na tional congress back in the COs, be was delivering a speech against the famous "Kansas bill" one day when the debate was at Its highest pitch. After he had wnrmed up to his subject and got to the point where be commanded the almost undivided attention of the bouse smnTI dog Jumped upon one of the front desks in the press gallery, immediately over the speaker's desk, and began to bark furi ously. At that time thore was no keeper of the gallery, and the canine was not driven out at onoe. Colonel Farnsworth stopped Just for a moment, and, looking up at the dog, said: "I have always heard It said that every dog will have Its. day, but I must Insist that this Is my day; I have the floor by the consent ! the speaker, and my canine friend In the reporters' gallery must wait until another time." By the time the' roars of laughter had subsided the dog had been put out of the gallery, and Colonel Farnsworth con tinued his speech without interruption. Washington Times. Cross Farposes. Superintendent of tne Publio Schools Maxwell was one day showing off bis pu pils to a crowd of visitors. Can you make a Maltese cross?" be asked of a bright-eyed boy. "Yes, sir," answered the boy readily. "You see," said the delighted Maxwell, "this boy knows how to make a Maltese cross. Well." to the boy, "make one." "I can't right here," replied the puzzled boy. "Why not 7" Inquired Maxwell. "How do you make a Maltese cross, anyway?" The boy put bis finger In bis mouth. "1 pull bis tall," said be. New York Herald. 1 A Cane et Coaaeleatee. "You see, dot new clerk vhaa recom mended to me ash a sharp feller," said the dealer In second-hand clothing, "und so I takes a $10 coat out of stock und 'slips oafer to my frlendt Schmidt und asks him to send his boy to der store mlt it Dr boy goes along mlt a pitiful face and asks bow much?" " Two dollur,' says my new clerk. " 'But it vhas a new coat and belongs te my faddor.' " Vhere vhas your redder? " 'He goes by state's prison for fife years. " 'Den I don't pay $1.G0 for dot coat " 'For why? " 'Because of your fadder's feelings. Sup pose der governor come to wialt dot prison . some day und haf dis coat on his back! Shust see your fadder's feelings vhen, dey shake bands together und vhas like old fren'dts. " 'But won't fadder foci shust ash bad for f.1.50 ash for 2V asks der boy. " 'He may, my son,' soys der new clerk, but I get 25 per cent oft my conscience by changing der buttons.' "Cleveland Plain Dealer. He Was On. Marshal! P.' Wilder is reported to be re sponsible for this: A Jovial Irishman of County Down, Ire land, was overfond of the cup that cheers, and also had a liking for the publio house, where he was in regular attendance. Ills wife, wishing to weun him from his bad habits, derided to put up a Job on hlra, and called In her brother Mike to help her. Mike was to waylay Terence on the way home from the spree, pretend to be a ghost and deliver a severe reprimand, livery thing went along swimmingly, and Terence was slowly but noisily rearing home when a ghostly apparition rose quietly before him. "Hallo there!" cried Terence. "An" phat are you T" "I'm auld Nick," came grimly from the apparition. "Sure an Tm mltshty placed t' mate yer," said the Jovial Terence. "Coora out an gie us a shake of yer hand. I'm mar ried to a sister of yours." New Yorsj Times. t n i it i f ! '.f