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About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (July 17, 1904)
K f r 'and Ml X He Weeded the Bfoae. ST n WAS a student In a Doted theo- T I logical seminary la Ireland and I aid not alas, ub to tha standard of pious humility which should characterize the conduct of on cue ut for the clerical vocation. On tha contrary thin particular student waa de cidedly worldly in his notions and didn't care whether school kept or not But ha Was exceedingly diligent in drawing on tha family excehequer and blowing what he received. His parents naturally regarded Mm as a model young son and rejoiced at the prospect of a son In the priesthood. He failed In the examinations and was about to be retired In disgrace when a happy thought struck him. "Dear father." he wrote to the old man, "I am doing splen didly, I hare passed the domlne non sum dlgnees, and must have 0 to pay the ex pense." He got the money and skipped for the United States. Leslie M. Shaw, secretary of the treas ury, on a recent visit to his home in Iowa, took a ride out to his farm. After donning an old suit of clothes he, In company with his overacor, started out on a tour of In spection. They had not proceeded very far when they came across a man engaged In digging a trench, whose wearing apparel plainly showed that It had "seen better ays." The secretary, being of a humane dispo sition, thinking to add to the comfort and also to improve the personal appearance f his employe, said: "My good fellow, if you will come up to the farmhouse at noon I will give you an old suit of clothes." "Wen." drawled the man. not knowing his would-be benefactor, "If they're any worse than them you've got on you'd better throw 'em la the rag bag." New Tork Times. As the Ttaap Bxplalaed It. A man from Mexico, Jacques Forbes by Same, claims to have a typical mother-In. law, inflicted with that strange and almost universal womanly falling of asking pro miscuous questions. "It was only a few weeks ago," said Mr. Forbes, "that a dilapidated-looking tramp, with a long, strikingly red nose one of those oil-ablaze noses applied at the back door of my mother-in-law's home for food. "'Sure, said my mother-in-law In re sponse to his request for food. 'I'll give you something to eat, but. my good man, won't you please tell me what makes your noss so very red? 'Not the least objection, madam re plied the tramp. 'It Is simply blooming with pride that tt doesn't stick Itself Into ther people's business. Good day. maaam.' Louisville Herald. JX XL W f this aids of the Harlem river. It's not safe 3to ri4M1 Hill Kermed All He Octa. There are a few Tammany men outside of St. Louis. One of there Is aa alderman who was oompelled to. remain at home by official duties. "And glad I am to be out of the heat and the defilement." be said. "I have no desire to be a feet bell for Dave Hill." "Then you have no love for Hill?" I Sug gested. The alderman leaned back and placed his fret on the aldermanle desk. "Dave Hill has earned all that Is coming to him." he said. "I like to see a man do a tidy bit of work, whether It's making presidents or squeexing the gas companies. Hill has licked us to a standstill both here and In St. Louis. I said to Murphy a month ago, 'Charlie, it shows us once more that Tammany must stick to its own on for us to be crossing the Rublfoam. When ever we go up Into the state It's defeat and a bad smell we leave behind us as we oome home,' " "And what did Murphy say to that? I asked. "He looked me In the eye for a mcment and said: 'Alderman, did you ever go coon hunting? 1 never did,' I answered. 1 have,' says Charlie. "Once or twice when I was in the south. It was good sport and line exercise for the dogs, even If we didn't git the coonr "Cleveland Plain Dealer. i I'u ST of Fame. Justice Brewer Is from Kansas, and hla ' state la justifiably proud of him. Soon after his elevation to the supreme bench a cigar manufacturer In Topeka dedicated a 10-cent "domestic" cigar to the Juilst, named it "Our Justice," and on the cover of each box pasted a portrait of Mr. Brewer. A few years ago the Justice was In To peka on a business trip. The hotel clerk recognised him and the negro bell boy, al though he had no idea who the newcomer was, knew from the way he was ordered about that the patron was of some- conse quence. Going up In the elevator the negro stared constantly at the tall, dignified man. Suddenly the black face was wreathed In smiles, and the boy said: " 'Scuse me, boss, but ain't you de gem men dat Invented dem 'Ouah Jestke' ci gars r This reminds one of the man who was recalling famous persons who "parted their names In the middle." "And then," he said, "there Is E. Plurt bus t'num,' the man that makes the baaa drums." Kansas City Journal. -- Obeying; Orders. As an Illustration of carrying military discipline too far this story is told by Gen eral N. A. Miles: "There was a certain colonel who In the middle of a campaign was seised with a sudden ardor about hygiene. He ordered that oil his men change their shirts at once. This order was duly carried out except In the case of one company where the privates' ward robes had been pitiably depleted. The captain of this company was informed that none of his men could change their shirts, since they had only one apiece. The colonel hesitated a moment and said firmly: "Ord ers must b obeyed. Let the men change shirts with each other.' He Teek (be Hlat. A correspondent of the London Chronicle tells on an Incident he witnessed In the theater of the Crystal Palace, where Car dinal Manning was addressing an Immense meeting of members of the League of the Cross, a temperance organisation which was very near bis heart. "I will confess to you," he said, with that mixture In his manner of the playful and the paternal which his Irish children laved, "that I do not practice what I preach. I am not a total abstainer myself, because my doctor won't let me be one." At once a voice eaae from the topmost gallery, "Change your doctorr "Thank you for the hint, my friend." promptly said the cardinal, "I will." What to more, he did: with the re sult that he was a teetotaller ever after ward, refusing all stimulants, even In his last I linens. A enthera Onllnntrr. "We southern men." said Joe Blackburn, "often look at a pretty woman much as we would st a picture, admirably, courteously, but never Impertinently. It was In this way that I not long ago rested my orbs upon a very handsome young woman who was walking up and down the platform at the station at Washington waiting for her train. "Soon she turned and saw ma" "Rubberl' she exclaimed, and shrugged , her shoulders with a frown. "I took off my hat. " "Madam.' said I, 1 beg a thousand pardon a I took the liberty of admiring you because I thought you were the real thing.' "New Tork Times. - A Med eat Meaavreh. General Cronje, who Is visiting the St. Louis fair, was asked to prose for his picture the other day by a news pho tographer. "I am too modest," said the Boer leader, laughing. "But a great man like you" the pho tographer began. "Ob, if I were great. I should be still more modest," said General Cronje. "Let me tell you about the modesty of a king King Frederick VI of Denmark who really was a great man. "King Frederick VI was visiting a cer- .. tain Danish school. The pupils were Intel ligent and alert. He put a number of ques tions to them. " 'What,' he said finally, 'are the names of Denmark's greatest kings?' "The well reed Hoys answered In chorus: " 'Canute, Waldemar and Christian IV.' "Then the schoolmaster bent over a boy and whispered something, whereupon the lad arose and raised his hand. " 'Well,' said the king, 'do you know an other?' " 'Yes; Frederick VI, the boy- answered. "The king smiled. 'What great deed did he perform?' he said. "The boy was silent. He thought hard. Finally he stammered: " 'I don't know.' " 'Well, my child, be comforted, said the king. 'I don't know, either.' " A WlyWrlter. Herbert S. Stone, publisher, described at a dinner In Washington the amusing meth ods of a nowspaper writer who used to be one of his friends. Mr. Stone said this young man wrote "specials" articles for the preee not of a news natuie for which he was paid at a set rate a column. He was once commissioned to do a serial story for a Chicago paper. The story, as it proceeded from week to week, was inter esting, but it contained many passages like the following: "Did you hear him? "I did." '"Truly?" "Truly." "Where r "By the well. "When?" "Today." "Then he lives?" "He does." "Ah." The editor who was handling the story perceived that the writer In stringing out his passages so needlessly, waa making more money per column than was right. Accordingly, sending for the young man, he said: "Hereafter, John, we will pay you so much a thousand letters." "But I prefer to be paid by the column," the young- man objected. "No matter for that. From now en by letter and not by column, your copy will be measured up." The young man, looking crestfallen, went away; but in the next Installment of his story he Introduced a character who stuttered, and all through the chapter were scattered passages like this: "B-b-b-b-bellcve me. s-s-s-slr, I ant n-n-not g-g-g-gullty. M-m-my m-tn-tn. mother c-c-c-commltted this c-c-crime," "Your mother, girl?" "M-m-my m-m-m-mother." The editor was horrified at this stain merlng chapter. Ho foresaw the Intro duction of the stuttering girl through the rest of the serial, and ho perceived that In a work pold by the letter all those stam merings would count up amazingly. He liked the story and his rate for such matter was not at best high. So be sent for the young man again and payment -on the old column basis was resumed. Thereupon the girl with the stutter died and the short, terse paragraphs all came back again. Whisky Wisdom. "Some years ago," says "Private" John Allen, "thnre came to Montgomery, Ala., a company of actors who put on that play so intensely disliked of southerners, 'Uncle Tom's Cubln.' "At tha end of the first act a man who gave evidence of having Imbibed rather freely arose from his seat and unsteadily made his way out of the theater. "In a short time he returned and was) about to re-enter the playhouse when he was stopped by the doorkeeper, who said: " 'You can't come in.' " 'Why not? sullenly demanded the gen tleman who had been Indulging too freely, 'Here's m return check. " 'Check or no check,' responded the doorkeeper, 'you can't come in; you're drunk.' " 'Of course I'm drunk, rejoined the other, feelingly. 'D'ye s'pose I'd wanter come back to this show if I wasn't? " EnalUli as she Is Spelt. "I am not a spoiling reformer," said Gov ernor La Folletto of Wisconsin, "but a friend of mine named Turner nearly made one of me on-e. "Turner and I were traveling together. We came to a certain hotel, and there, to my amazement, the man registered: " '11. C. Phthologhyrrh.' " 'What is the matter with you?' I ex claimed. 'Why do you adopt thnt remark able alias? Have you committed some . crime? "'No, indocd,' said Turner. ." Then why don't you register your own , name? said I.- " That Is my own name, ho answered. "Phtholognyrrh" "Turner." Thut'a my name.' " 'Well. I said, 'I can't see how you make "Turner" out of "Phtholognyrrh." What Is your object, anyway. In using such pe culiar spelling?" . " 'Oh,' said my friend, 'when I used to register plain "Turner" I attracted no at tention. Now, though, my name excites a great dead of wondering comment People study It. They ask one another what my nationality can be. Even now, you will notice, there is a little crowd bussing over the register. "Phtholognyrrh" Is good English spelling for "Turner," too. In the ."phth" there la the sound of t" as la "phthisis." In the "olo" there Is tha sound of "ur" as in "colonel." The "gn" Is "n" as in "gnat." Finally la the "yrrh" there Is the sound of "er as In "myrrh." There) you have It. Phtholognyrrh Turner."-. Buffalo Enquirer, "S