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About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (May 29, 1904)
Figuring: Om a Wife. HE favorite story of Admiral Schley Is told by tbe Philadelphia Ledger thua: Uncle Joe is an old negro on a farm near Chesapeake City, Md., a farm owned by the family whose slave he was years ago. He Is a widower and lately has spruced up to a degree. Not long since one of the young men of the placo started for the city, when he was bailed by Uncle Joe. "M Latah Oeorge," he said sheepishly, "you done goln' to town? You might do a favor foh me." "Certainly, Uncle," was the response. "What is It?" "Well, you might you might git a mar riage license foh me." The white man was amused, but seeing that the old negro was offended, he said: "I'll get the license, sure. Uncle, I'll got it," and rode off. After attending to his own affairs In town he suddenly remembered the marringe license, but was nonplussed, for he had not asked the name of Undo Joe's finanoee. He happened to recollect that lie had noticed Uncle Joe around the kitchen a good deal of late and that Amanda, dusky, fat and forty, and the best rook in the oounty, always had a delectable morsel reserved for the old man; so, of course, It must be Amanda. Armed with the happy credentials, Mr. George galloped home and handed the paper to the old man, who took it and looked at it. The license was read to him. " 'Mandy Jones!" he cried, when tha trlde's name was pronounced. "Why, it ain't her It's Liza Allen, down by de crick." Here was a dilemma, "Well," Bald the white man, "there's only one thing to do. You must get another license. It is Just S3 thrown away." Undo Joe took the paper, folded It and put It In his pocket. "I'll done ask 'Mandy to have me," he aid, "foh I don't think dar's $3 dlff'runce 'tween dem ladles." Newsboy's I.I ml fed Permission. The late Ashbel P. Fitch of New York once described In congress an encounter he had had with a Washington newsboy. "I was on my lirst visit to Washington," Mr. Fitch said, "and, naturally, I had Borne little difficulty In finding my way about. There was an alert-looking newsboy in a corner, and I accosted him. " 'My lad,' I said, 'I want to go to the White House.' " 'Very well,' said the boy; 'you may go; hut don't stay more than half an hour.' " New York Times. Hamin. an Honorary Method!. Mr. W. Tyler Page, who was tho repub lican nominee for congress from one of the Maryland districts in the last campaign, says the late Senator Hanna was a Metho dist, as demonstrated by the following anecdote: "Dr. Davis of Hartford county came over to Washington to Invite Mr. Hanna to attend a Methodist conference In Mary land," said Mr. Page the other day. "I accompanied him on a call to the senator, who was pleased at the Invitation, but re plied that it would be impossible for him to accept. " 'By the way,' said Mr. ITanna, as we were leaving, 'I am a Methodist, perhaps you know.' "Dr. Davis expressed surprise, saying that he had always understood Mr. Hanna was an Episcopalian. " 'I'll tell you how it was," continued Mr. Hanna. 'Bishop Fowler nnd some promi nent laymen of the Methodist church were guests at my house In Cleveland. I tried to put It up to them In good shape, und they seemed to appreciate my hospitality. As they were about to depart, something was said about the proper expression of gratitude to me, and Bishop Fowler as serted that he would second any motion made. Then one of the laymen moved that I be declared an honorary member of the Methodist church. Uishop Fowler seconded It. Only the aye vote was taken, but the nays didn't assert themselves, and I have ever since considered myself an honorary Methodist.' "Denver Times. Above the Crowd. Irving Bacheller, novelist and after din ner speaker, says that the llattery hurled at him during recent years has been as nothing compared to the dose he received from an old farmer on tho day of his graduation from college. On that occasion Mr. Bacheller was one of the senior class commencement orators. After the usual fashion of college speakers, he got rid of many high sounding words and wound him self tip Into varied flourishing gestures. When it was all over the old farmer ap pronched: "Wal," he said to the young graduate, "you sure did mako the finest speech I ever heard. Great! You jes' rlx right up in tho air, and no durned fool In that thar crowd could understand a word you wui talkin' about." Joe Jefferson's Memory. At the Authors' club on Thursday night Joseph Jefferson was talking on the im portance of memory. His did not always stand by him, he said. "Once I was stand ing In the Fifth Avenue hotel lobby when a little man came up to me and said: 'Why, how are you, Mr. Jefferson? " 'Very well, sir, I replied, 'but you have the advantage of me. " 'I'm General Grant,' he said. "We went up on the elevator. "Are you living In the hotel?" I naked. He gave me his house number. Now, I knew he didn't live In the hotel nnd I knew where his house was, but somehow I couldn't manage my mind, so I got out on the second floor for fear I would ask him where he had been during the war." New York World. Soldierly blseretlon. Just after the Russian Admiral AlexlefT departed from Port Arthur a member of congress met Admiral Dewey and discussed the situation. "What made Alexleff quit in such haste?"' inquired the statesman. "I will answer that by relating an anec dote of our civil war," replied Admiial Dewey. "When General Hood left Nash ville on one sldo of the city Just as the fed eral troops were entering upon the other, his colored servant was captured. When asked why his master quit in such a hurry, the old darky answered: " 'Well, boss, I 'spect Massa Hood don' think he kin do hlss'f Justice la this yore town.' " New York Times. The Wat en ful Clerk. The stranger in the high hat sniffed at the contents of the glass the soda water clerk had set before him. Then he took a sii from It and hastily set it down. "I,IUle morn syrup?" inquired the watch ful clerk. But the stranger did not heed the query. "Young man," he said, "you must have noticed that I did not wink when I asked you for this soda water?" "I noticed It, sir." "Then what did you give me?" "An eye-opener, sir." Whereupon the stranger suddenly smiled and emptied the glass with a hasty gulp. Cleveland Plain Dealer. Stanley's Four-Klnarer Story. No better epitome of Stanley's career ha been conceived than that given by himself In his "story of four fingers." On his re turn from finding Livingstone, he said, he had the honor of a public reception hy the Iloyal Geographical society and the especial honor of being presented "to an exceedingly distinguished personage In the scientific world." who regarded him with condescending favor, and even went so far as to slink-? hands with him. "He gava me," said Stanley, "one linger!" After his second and third adventures, his explorations of the lakes and his open ing of tho Congo to civilization, he was again publicly received, and this distin guished personage regarded him with even more favor than before. Again he shook hands with him. "He gave tne two fin gers.." Once more Stanley went to Africa to rescue the faithful Kmtn, and on his return ho was a third time publicly re ceived. A third time the distinguished personage condescended to smile upon him, still more approvingly than before, and a third time to offer him his hand. "He gave me three Angers." Yet once more Stanley appeared In pub lic, with a fair companion, Mian Dorothy Tennant, who n few moments later was Lady Stanley. There, once more, the dis tinguished personage was present and so far condescended as to Iwam upon him with unreserved approval. "The throng was too great for me to get near him." said Stanley, "but I have no doubt that had I been nble to do so he would once more have offered me his band, and on this occasion he would have giwn me all four fingers." New York Tribune. Nye Played Part off Knaene Deli. A. Kugene Michel, a nephew of Kugene V. Debs, tells an Interesting story of how Bill Nye played the part of the socialistic candidate for president while Mr. Debs waited at a South Carolina railway station for the committee wlileh was to meet him. Mr. Nye and Mr. Debs looked very much alike, nnd that is what led to the mistake Both men were to have been In the little South Carolina town the same tlay. The labor leaders made great preparations for the coming of Mr. Debs, but the reception committee was not Informed that Mr. Nye would enter the town on the same train. Mr. Nye, however, was aware of Mr. Debs' expected presence, and when the committee hustled him into a cab without taking moro than a casual look at his features, be ac cepted the honors. He was shown over tho town and given every attention. Kven his love for a Joke, however, would not permit him to punish an innocent man any undue length of time. After he had been shown everything of Interest and tho Ojuostlons that were being asked him began to tax his Imagination beyond his knowl edge of labor situations, be grew most sympathetic for the man who he imagined was walking the station platform. Finally, when the Joke on Mr. Debs began to make things too Interesting for his Impersonator, Mr. Nye called a half. He entered a cigar store and purchased some of Caro lina's best, and, returning to tbe edge of the sidewalk, passed Die fragrant twisters among the committee. After distributing the cigars very lib erally, Mr. Nye walked off with the re mark that he "supposed Mr. Debs was awaiting thern ut the station." Not till then did the commit ten realize the mis take, snd the members hurried back to the station to find their own guest. In dianapolis Sentinel. A I'lonrlslilng Ilnslnens, A prominent actor tells this story about two brother players anil their experiences in a Maine temperance town. Feeling in need of alcoholic refreshment they made application at the local drug stores, but were told that stimulants were sold only In enses of snake bite. The actors had about decided to content themselves with such refreshment ns the town provided, when they heard that a certain resident owned a rattlesnake which bo kept as a pet. Securing his address they called on hint and offered to hire his snake for use la some scientific experiments. "Nothing doing," answered the owner; "lie's booked solid for four mouths ahead. ' Harper's Weekly. Profltlna" by the Prophet. When Joseph K. Smith, head of th Mor mon church, was In Washington to testify before the 8moot Investigating committed he was visited by a young man who seemed greatly Interested In what the president had to say about Mormon affairs. After n lengthy conversation President Smith, who was much gratllled at having so attentive a listener, said: "Young man, I ho this discourse will b profitable to you." "It certainly wllj," replied the visitor. "I nm n reporter, and I'm on space." New, York Press. Crab .V at ore. Hooker Washington, In lecturing to his colored people, tells them this story: "Otico upon a time there was an old colored man who was having great success catching crabs. lie had a tremendous box uioro than half full when a passerby warned him that the biggest and best crabs were crawling out and would escape. Tbe old man replied: 'Thankee, sir, much ohluugifl, but I ain't goln' to lose no crabs, l'se a. crabologlat, I Is, and I knows nil 'liout do crab nature, I don't need to watch 'cm, 'tall. When do big crab fight up to do top, and when ho Is glttin' out, do littla crabs catch him by do lalg and pull blin back. He can't git out nohow.' " Anil then Booker Washington suys: "My friends. I have been Informed that Uiero Is something of crab nature In human na ture, but it must be altogether unions white folk und not In our raeii." Heggnr'n Idea of Dutch Itoynltj. The visit of Wilhelmlna, queen of Hol land, to Italy recalls her life In Klorrrc With her mother In her girlhood. They lived In a modest way, going out dally on foot. It Is related that one day they were going along the Lung Arno, when t)ny were accosted by a .beggar. The queen regent wanted to push on, fearing that her daughter might catch Rome fearful disease, but the little queen, having a will of her own, insisted on stopping. She questioned tho man in broken Italian, believing herself qnlte unknown, and on proceeding give him half a franc. He looked from the silver In bis hand to her and then back again, and at hist said, with un air of im pertinence: "So your subjects keep you as abort aa that! Poor queen!" New York Tribune. Ilia Name Wu Oeorge. "Funny thing happened this trip," ra'd the Hlecping car conductor. "Just as tho porter was yelling 'First call for breakfast in tho dining car!' a very fat, elderly, sobor-factd, respectabln old lady came Jolt ing down the aisle, looking up at the cur tains thut were still up in front of most of the berths, and ut last stopping before tne, she poked her umbrella at upper ten. " 'Kitty!' sho called, 'where are you? la that you up there'' "Tlieru wasn't any answer, and the old lady got right mad. Site beat a regular tattoo on the brass curtain rod and fairly yelled: " 'Kitty, Kitty! Get up right uway! Why don't you answer mo? It's time for you to get up, Kitty! Breakfast is ready. Kitty, Kitty, get up!' "Then the curtains of upper ten were pulled apart. A large red face, with long black whiskers on tho lower half of It, was poked out, and a deep, husky voice said: " 'My name is George!" "Philadelphia Press.