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About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (April 24, 1904)
U Dlda't Want Hrr, certain small villa era in the wont V I far removed from the noise and as I bustle of commrrce. boasts of a female preacher, and the lady's duties are many. One d.ty who may visit the sick, another attend a funeral and the next baptize a baby. One after noon she was preparing the sermon for tlio following Sabbath when she heard a timid knock at the parsonage door. Answering the summons, Bhe found a bashful young German standing on ttie step twirling Ida straw hat in his hands. "Good afternoon," the preacher remarked. "Whut do you wish?" "Dey say der minister lifed In dis house, heh?" "Yes, sir." "Vess? Vel, I want mo to kit nierrlet." "All right; I can marry you;" she Bald. The lady's hair is beginning to silver and the German glanced at it. Then lie Jammed his hat on his head and hurried down the path. "What's the matter?" she called after him. "You gits no chance mlt me," lie called back. "1 don't vant you; I haf got me a girl alretty." Where He Out III Ordrm, A raw recruit Jn the cavalry, named Murphy, was given one of the worst buck ers in the whole troop to ride. He had never been on a horse In his life, and the drill was anything but a recreation to him, as the sequel will show. "Now, my men," said the sergeant, ad dressing them, "no one is allowed to dis mount without orders from a superior officer. Remember that." Tim was no sooner in the saddle than he Was hurled head over heels through the air, and came down so hard that the breath was almost knocked out of him. "Murphy;" shouted the sergeant, when to discovered the man spread out on the ground, "you dismounted." "I did." "Did you have orders?" " I did." "From headquarters, I suppose," with a neer. "No, from hindquarters." The American Boy. Mild and Gentle Retort. James F. Sweeney of the Massachusetts bar is noted for the brightness and aptness of his retorts. Recently, in a case a woman was very refractory under cross-examination, and, although the lawyer used all politeness and mildness, sharp and unsatis factory replies were received. Her meek and humble husband was present In court. Mr, Sweeney tried another innocent ques tion, when the woman responded with vindictive tire flashing from her eyes: .'Mr' Lawyer, you needn't think you can catch me; no, sir; you can't catch me." With bis most pleasing smile Mr. Sweeney re sponded: "Madam, I haven't the slightest desire to catch you, and your husband looks to me aa If be was sorry he had Succeeded." Whf the Iteaf Hear. General John H. Ketcham, the veteran representative from the Thirty-first New Tork district, Is bo deaf that It Is sur prising that he manages to keep abreast of the business of the house, let it is doubtful if any member of that body is better posted in current affairs than he. Few members give as close attention to tha wants of their districts or have a an do 0 better acquaintance with their constituents. Recently one of the general's New York friends called on him and explained that he desired the loan of $5. "What did you say?" Inquired the gen eral. Naturally supposing his first request had not been understood, tho constituent repeated, In a loud tone:' '1 would like you to loan me $19." "You aaid you wanted $5," replied the general, much to the astonishment of the wouuld-be borrower. Jnrred It jr III Son. "I met a relative of mine pretty cloRe one that I'd never seen before, when I got back to Washington the other day," said an army officer, who returned from a tour of duty in the Philippine recently. "The relative happened to be a Hon of nilue. He was born a couple of months nft'T I made the start for the Islands three years ago. "1 was doe In Washington about 11 o'clock at night, and they tacked the din ing car on somewhere around I larrisburg. I was hungry for fnitcd S'ates food as I had been for three years, and I didn't seem to be able to get enough of it. "One of the things that made an In stant hit with mo on the table was a nice long dishful of tlnu looking spring onions, littered up with little particles of Ice. " I simply couldn't resist them. I gob bled up the whole plateful, resolved that when I met my wife ami she noticed tho aroma I'd simply have to throw myself on the mercy of the court. Well, my wife was at the station, of course, to meet me it was pretty nigh midnight. She was too busy looking me over and com menting upon my coat of bronze to mention the onions, even If she had noticed 'em, and she had tooo much to tell me about the kid, anyway, as we sped up town on the street cars. "The kid was asleep, of course, and when we slipped into the room and turned up the gas, I suppose, may be, I didn't take a good long look at the little tyke and may be, of course, there wasn't a lump about the size of an old fashioned gourd Just at the point where my front collar button presses against my neck. "Then I grabbed the still sleeping kid out of the bed. "He opened his eyes nnd surveyed me with a calm scrutiny, while I gave him a hug. Then he turned his head away from me, with a very decided expression of ' disapproval. This hurt his mother, and she instantly told him: " 'Why, Jackie, that's your pa!' " "The kid turned his head away from me in the other direction and struggled to be turned loose. " 'I don't care who he is,' he replied, in the calmest accents imaginable. I ain't a-goln' to let anybody blow onions all over me!" Washington Star. A Concise Cbarce, During the "reconstruction period" a col ored gentleman was elected a Justice of the peaca In the backwoods of South Caro lina. His first case happened to be one In which tho defendant asked for a trial by Jury. When the testimony was In and the arguments had been concluded, the lawyer waited for the Judge to proceed with his instructions to the Jury. The Judge seemed somewhat embarrassed. Finally one of the lawyers whispered to him and told him that it was time for him to charge the Jury. Looking warily at the Jury, with a grim Jadicial air, the Judge said: to f i "Gentlemen ur de Jury, sence dis Is a very small case. Ml Jes' charge y'all a dollar an' a ha'f upleeo." Llpplneott'B Ma Saaln. Commrrclal Traveler StTfil, The lato Dan Paly, whenever he was Idle In New York, had a great habit of attend ing Salvation Army meetings. He believed in tho Salvation Army and he contributed liberally to its support. Sometimes, too, lie bad Interesting things to tell about It. One evening, rather late, Daly and a com mercial traveler entered the Fifth Avenue hotel together. Daly, with a nod toward bis companion, said: "My friend and 1 were at a meeting of tho Army tonight. Tho captain, nft.r his address, passed through the audience, questioning the people. Coming to my friend, he said: " 'What Is your business, slrT " 'I am a commercial traveler, was the answer. " 'Are you saved?" " 'Oh. I'm all right.' "At this reply tho captain, turning to the congregation, shouted In a loud voice: "'Hallelujah! A eommorcial traveler saved. He can save to the uttermost !' " New York Times. He I .oped Too "llloouiln Ms;h." "Most Kngllshmen are considered pretty fair horsemen, but when it comes to riding a bucking bronco some of them are not In it, or on It, for long," remarked tho owner of a large cattle ranch In Wyoming tho other day. "For Instance, a rich young Kngllshmsin recently came out to my part of the country In quest of a good Invist ment. He was at my ranch for a few days and one afternoon, when the cowboys were bragging a bit about their ponies, tho young Hnglishman raid he wns used to riillng only thoroughbreds and he didn't think we had a home on the ranch good enough for him. "The boys assured him that they had one of the tinest horses of the plains and, if ha knew how to ride, he was weleomo to use the animal. He was apparently Insulted when questioned about his ability to ride and retorted that he could ride any kind of a horse. A sleepy-looking bronco ac. cordingly was brought out of the corral and saddled. Though the beast appeared half dead, he was the worst bucker in the held. " ' 'K's lifeless.' suid the Rriton, when tho pony was brought to him. "Tho boys assured him the iwg would wake up after the first mile, and the Kng lishman swung Into the saddle. The first buck-Jump placed him on the horse's neck, and after the second he was In the atmos phere. He turned a double somersault and landed on an ant hill. When he picked himself up one of the boys asked what he thought of that sleepy thoroughbred. The question made the Knglishman turn pale. " ' 'K's a good 'oss,' he answered, 'but he lopes too bloomln' 'lgh. "New York Press. Waited for the florae to Yawn. Said the man with tho cane: "I took a trip out into the country with a friend of mine the other day and we had a great time and a hearty laugh. I've been living in the city all my life and of course I didn't know how to harros a horse. . "What has that to do with the trip in the country? Just this: My friend and I went tip to DoylPFtown, and as the day was bright and balmy, we thought we'd l'ke a carriage ride. So we hired a horse and buggy and drove Into tho country among the Rucks county hills. At the noon hour we were kind to the horss and, taking yM8Sl m ) every bit of harness fretn Mm, nllnwoj, him to eat his lunch In comfort, while w munched some sandwiches. "Well. It wn.s all risht until we started to put the harness on again. Then the dis covery was made that mlilier of us was able to do (he trick. We were stuck, but by doing a good th ai of thinking we man aged to net nil the harness In place except the bit. We tried to put that In the horse's mouth, but the animal wouldn't opi n Ms mouth for a cent. " 'Well,' said my romanlon, 'we'll sim ply have to wait, that's a'l." "'Walt for what?' I usked In surprise. "'Why, was the reply, "well have to wait until the horse yawns.' "-Philadelphia Press. Cussed 1to l.ond. District Attorney John C. Hell has re cently returned from the south, and looks as brown and healthy as he did In Ids palmiest days nn a college athlete. Wher ever he goes, Mr. Hell always 'collects A budget of good stories, and bo Is a mas ter in the art of telling I hem. Here Is one of the new ones which ho brought from the south nnd which has amused the) district attorney and his friends groatly. An old white liea. led negro named Moses wns one day walking along tho rind, when lie saw young Sim sitting on the fence, grumbling to himself nnd look ing very sullen. "Wah's de mattah wld you, Sam?" asked the obi darky. "Whah foh all dis yera blackness?" "Oh. It's nil dit Mnrs Fairfax." wns the reply. "Ah can't git nlong wld him nohow. Ah guess I'm gwlne to lenh blm. He cusses me an' brats me all de time." "I,ook n-hynh, Sam, why doan yuh Vert ytih 'dependence once In a wile? Hut's do way ter do. When Msrs Fairfax cusses yuh, yuh cuss him back." A few days later old Moses came along the road once more, nnd saw young Sam sitting on the fence again, this time with his face nil disfigured an If he had been In a fight and "bruised up" generally. "What's de trouble now?" asked the old man. " "Pears like yuh done gone and ran Inter one of dem steam engines." "It's all yuh fault, Undo Mose. Ah dona taken yuh advice. Ah went out In de fleP do udder day and Mars Fairfax he coma along and he cussed me. Den Ah ups nnd Ah cusses him back." "Foh de lan's sake, man," said old Mo rolling his eyes, "yuh didn't let him hyear yuh, did yuh?"-Phlladelplila Press. It Wasn't a Scarecrow. John D. Rockefeller. Jr., was talking to bis Sunday school class about Industry. "Our Industry." he said, with a faint smile, "should not be of such a mitira that tho remark once applied to a certain, Scot could ever be applied to us. I'll I ell you what the remark I allude to was. Two old farmers were walHng down a f ad near Dunfermline when one of th-nt pointed to a distant field and said, shading bis eyes from the sun: " That figure over there I worder if it's; a scarecrow.' "He stopped and regarded the figure very attentively for a Fpace. Then he conc'udod. In a satisfied tone: " Tea, It's not moving. It must be m Scarecrow.' "Rut the other farmer had shirper eye and a better understanding, maybe, of cer tain types of human nature. " 'No,' he raid dryly; 'no, It's not a rcaro rrow; It's a man working by the day. New York Tribune. i i i