Image provided by: University of Nebraska-Lincoln Libraries, Lincoln, NE
About Omaha daily bee. (Omaha [Neb.]) 187?-1922 | View Entire Issue (Sept. 13, 1903)
(Copyright, 1303, by Alton V. Olllesple.) JN1) NOW, In conclusion," pom iV I pously mild the orator, who was "lot me say th.it golden oppor tunity awaits each and all of you. Keep working diligently, practice frugality, bo guided Intelligently by your keen wits, and somo day you will bo loading men of tho community merchants, city officials, bankers, directors of affairs " "Hot!" whispered the eminent citizen seated next to the host of the boys. "Pleasant words for the kids, but rot rot!" The host prif ked up Ids ears. "Hot, eh?" he wilil. "No 'Hanged Picks' In real life, eh? Smith, you're mistaken, and I'll prove It, too, after the meeting." And the host proved it with stories of risen newsboys that lie knew of, und here are Home of them: Tho manager of a big hotel In a western city ono day walked Into the hostelry leudlng two dirty, ragged and n I together disreputable looking youngsters by either hand, llo marched his charges up to the desk at which the proprietor was writing. "Jone."," began the manager, "1 found these two youngsters lighting on the street. They're newsboys, and every morning for tho lust six months, its I've walked down town, I'vo noticed them selling papers and fighting between times Today, hs I was walking along, and had just caught night Of them In daily bailie, the thought Hashed through my mind that we needed two new elevator boys, and maybe we could make use of them. It would be a blessing to get em off the street. What do you think?" Tho big man nt the desk studied tho urchins for a moment. "Would you hoys like to go to work for me?" ho asked, "And ut $5 a week?" he adJed. "(lee!" was their astonished response. "All right; start 'em right in," said the proprietor to the manager. About two weeks after the boys had been liberally bathed and scrubbed and dressed In hotel uniforms, the patrons began mak ing comments about them to the clerks, and often to the manager and proprietor How CopyrIghted, 1903, by Albert Sonnlchson.) SEAMEN have a keen appreciation of a Joke, whether it be prac tical or anecdotal. The former I . ffitl they play on greenhorns and the latter they tell olio another In the forecastle. Sea life develops a sense of humor and Jack sees tho funny side of everything, even when he has to create it. Any inci dent that occurs aboard ship with a side capable of humorous development is In stantly seized and launched out upon a tea of forecastle gossip until it has circled the globe more times than Jack himself and has been translated into as many tongues as there are maritime nations. As an Instance, a dialogue like this is common in a ship's forecastle: "Bay, that reminds me, did you ever hear tha story of Baltimore Pete and the French lieutenant in Madras?" "No, what was It?" "Why. I thought everybody'd heard that. Pete went ashore and got drunk," eUx, and so the story develops. Borne of these yarns die with those who tell them, but others live on and become forecastle classics. Many are of the Boc caccio order, but others are as chaste as tha quips that make their way into tha best "funny" papers. It is in the second dog watch that Jokes ara born and told. The second dog watch Is from 6 to 8 o'clock In the evening, when tha day's work Is dona and all hands ara at leisure. Then, after the evening meal, while contentedly pulling at their pipes, tha forecastle hands arouse one another's mirth. Ixng practice has made them ex pert. On one of these occasions I heard several yarns that can bear repetition. The con versation had drifted to long voyages and to Jack's inevitable desertion at the first port. Said one old ex-man-o'-warsman: "But ye can't do that In the navy." "No," replied a young merchantman; "hang tho navy! I wouldn't ship In tha navy for skipper's pay. It ain't fit for a white man sell in' yerself for four years." "Well," Bald tho inan-o'-warsman, "It ain't so bad as ye think it is. There's ways ' gottin' out of the navy, too, an' what's more, with your pay." "HowT" Inquired several. "When I was on the old Alabama ten years ago," continued the blue-jacket, there was a young fellow aboard Juut shipped. He'd been bred to the sea in Cape Cod flshin' smacks, so navy discipline didn't agree with hint. We could all see as how It was makln' him pretty sick, but to cher hlra up we laughed and Joked and Jollied him along thlnkin' he'd soon get used U It. "It wasn't no use, though; he kept get tin' bluer, and pretty soon he got to actin' sjueer. Whenever he was off duty he'd sit danglln' his feet over the rail, flshin', no Wit on his hooks and the ship goln" tea Ragged Dicks themselves. "l'retty nice chaps you've had on the ele vutor lutely," said a chronic kicker, a traveling man from the cast. "Always ac commodating und not fresh." "That day elevator boy's a bright chap," was another guest's remark. "He's been telling me how I can get over the town, lie's a regular human signboard." The year-ln-and-year-oul boarders also sang their praises, and one old woman in particular, wi.rth a million or two in her own name, could not say enough about them. "Why, do you know," she would be gin every time she met tho manager, "the elevator boys actually run the elevator nlowly when I ask them to, for I get so up set at times nt the speed. And they're tho P.rst boys that would ever do It for me, really." For over a year transients and regulars sang the sng.i of the newsboys, who seemed to make friends of everyone In and about the hotel by their quiet, pleasant and ac commodating ways. And then one day the proprietor called the day boy before him. "Well. Tommy," he said, "I fear I'll not need you on the elevator any more." The boy's face dropped. "No," went on the proprietor, nffectlng not to notice the lad's look of disappoint ment. "I'm afraid I can't use you thero nny more; and I regret It, too, for I'll losa a good elevator l.ny. Hut I can't help it. I've got to have a good boy at the cigar stand, too. The present clerk quits today, nnd you're to legln there at once, at double your present wages." The boy began his new work with a will, and from the start his Innate traits stood him In such good stead that the sales of the stand Increased steadily. A year after his going there they had almost doubled, anil then a desk clerk left, nnd the pro prietor again called the boy to him. "You're to take Hodman's place In the office," he said. Then he sent for the other former newsboy, who was still on the elevator. "I'm sorry, Jimmy, but we won't need you on the elevator any longer," he said. Jimmy's face fell woefully. Hut it bright ened wonderfully a few minutes later na his employer led him over to tho cigar Sailors While Away Their Idle knots. After that we begun to get uneasy. "Ono day the officer of the watch come along and seetn' the lad flshin', he sex, sex he: " "Well, Jack, what ye dodn' V " 'Flshin', ' sex Jack. " 'What for?" box the lieutenant. " 'Dunno, sex Jack, very short. "Well, the officer got suspicious after he saw this a few times and he reported to tho captain. Then the captain came along and he sex: " 'What ye doln', JackT . " 'Flshin'.' ; 'What for?' " 'Dunno.' "An" that was all we could ever get out of him he didn't know what t'll he was flshin' for. "Well, one day we fetched up In 'Frisco and Jack was reported unfit for duty. Ap plication was put in for his discharge, so's they could send him home where he could be well took care of. One day Jack was called aft, and there, sure enough, was his disability discharge and a check in full fur his pay. "When he came on deck again Jack was a civilian. We was all gatherln' 'round to tell him good-bye when suddenly he busts out laughtn' fit to split hisself. We all thought as how some new kind of fit took him, but the executive officer sex: " 'What's up. Jack?' " 'Why,' shouts Jack, between laughs, 1 Just found out what I was flshin' for. It was this.' "And he holds up his discharge and pay check." The Spanish-American war brought out another story that has also circled the globe. The incident took place outside New York harbor, but I first heard of it from a Greek sailor on the veranda of a Japanese tea house in Nagasaki. When war was declared tho crews of the American warships of the Atlantic squad ron were at once swelled by the addition of numerous naval militiamen amateur sail ors whose sea-going experiences havo been confined to anchored training ships and sail Ivoata. Jack has an unspeakable contempt for these fresh water sailors, and thlB makes itself obvious in the stories of the militiaman's clumsiness aboard ship. Ono small gunboat had seventeen of them assigned to it, much to the disgust of the regular crew. One night this boat, hav ing been out cruising, ran Into a fleet of torjiedo boats. On of the militiamen was on lookout, and as the various lights ap peared he reported them. "Light on the port bow, sir," ha bawled first "All right." answered the executive of ficer from the bridge. Another light appeared. "Some more lights on the port bow," cried the greenhorn, becoming somewhat bewildered and uneasy. "All right," coma Uie oflloer's cool an in Real Life and news stand and Installed him In charge. This happened live years ago; today tho two boys are still in the hotel the one head cli-rk and the other next in charge at the desk. As for the proprietor, he feels that tho manager, when he brought the boys to his notice, caused him to tnako one of the best investments In years. He has absolute con fidence in the risen "Haggod Dicks," and ho trusts them where he would keep a ju dicious eye on others. The boys havo proved themselves to lie of the right sort of stuff; and they are scarcely mure than past their majority. One of tho buyers for a big department store In New York Is also a result of a "Ragged Dick" who got his opportunity to niako Ills way in tho world and diligently grasped it. This particular man, fifteen years ago, sold papers, morning nnd evening, along Fifth avenuo in tho exclusive residential section. He was there crying his wares one winter's day when a finely dressed woman emerged from a shop and started for her carriage, which wns standing at tho curb. When she was half way to It she slipped and fell on the icy pavement, and tho newsboy, seeing her predtenment, threw down tils papers and rushed to her aid. Hy tho time ho got to her side sho had regained her feet, but he gathered up her purse and a fow scattered belongings, which he handed to her with Chesterlleld ian graco and a "Permit me, lady." Now It happened that the boy had rushed up whllo the men hesitated, and the woman was impressed by the fact. Hut the boy did not know this until years after. Next day a man stopped him on the street and asked him to come with him. That man was tho woman's husband, the proprietor of the store in which he was set to work as a bundle boy. In fact, the boy never knew what led to his good fortune until five years ago. Then his employer told him, when he was advanced to his present position; and at the same time the mer chant made it clear to his new buyer that the letter's proven ability bad caused his rise; his chivalric deed on that winter's morning ten years ago had merely given swer. The lookout stamped nervously up and down until suddenly he caught sight of tha red and green sidelights of a steamer. This was too much. Deserting hia post ho fled aft. "Cap'n," he shouted broathlessly, dash ing up the steps to he bridge, "turn around as quick as you can! There's a whole blamed town ahead, and If you don't look out you'll run right into a drug store!" The blunders of greenhorns supply rich material for humorous anecdotes. Another story Is told of the naval reserveman who came to the wheel while one of the quar termasters was regulating a big aslmuth compass. "Mister," said the greenhorn, "your clock's three hours slow. Yours is half past twelve, while the right time's three thirty." There is a story much circulated among sailors of the Iitln nations which usually falls fiat on Anglo-Saxons whose ignorance of French, Spanish or Italian stands in strong contrast to the knowledge of Eng lish so general among the Latins. The captain of a Spanish ship had lost his reckoning on account of several days of misty weather and storm. To correct this position the captain determined to speak the first vessel he met. This opportunity ho had a few days later when a strange bark bore down on him. As she drew near the stranger showed British colors. Now the bos'n of the Spanish ship had Often boasted a knowledge of English, so the captain summoned him at once to In terpret. The bos'n stationed himself be side the captain on the poop with a speak ing trumpet ready for use. The British vessel came within hailing distance. "Now," said the Spanish skipper, "ask what latitude we're In." The truth was, the bos'n' a real knowledge of English was confined to a few vulgar words, but he determined to bluff his way out of his dilemma. Placing the megaphone to his lips he bawled out hoarsely: "Ho! bow-wow-wow-wah!" Of course tho British skipper failed to catch his meaning and he roared back: "What?" "What does he answer, bos'n?" asked the Spanish skipper, anxiously, standing ready with pencil and pad. "Cuatro (four), captain," said the bos'n. lit says 'cuatro.' " "Good," said the Spanish skipper, de lightedly. "Now ask him his longitude," Again the bos'n bawled forth: "Hey! wow-wow-wow-wow-wah !" "What ye say?" replied tho Britisher. Trelnta-selns (thirty-six), captain," In terpreted the bos'n, beaming with the Im portance of linguistic accomplishment. ' ''Wonderful!" exclaimed the Spanish cap tain. "How much English is like Spanish!" Another story of a similar nature, but peculiarly American, la told of a Yankee him the chance to prove himself. ", Then there Is the caso of a certain as elstant superintendent of one -of the biggest steel mills of America, He Is the young est man ever to fill the position he la not yet 23 years old and less than a decade ago he was earning a living by selling papers and blacking shoes on tho streets of Pitta burg. It was his ability to fill these two roles at once, and to 1111 them successfully, that got him his opening. He was shining shoes and selling papers In front of the fashion able and exclusive Duquesne club one day when a man, stepping out of the club, bo bold him, and, after studying him a mo ment, walked up to him. "How do you manage to do both things at once?" he asked the boy. The reply was ready: "I keeps me eyes open and me hands goln'." "Very well," said the man, "If that's the way you do It, I can find use for you," and with that he bore the youngster oft with him to a steelmlll. Tho boy was started in at wheeling iron; later on he was put Inside and became a helper to this man and that; still later on he had helpers of his own; and all tha time he kept his eyes open and his hands going. Moreover, he studied at night to improve his store of knowledge, so that when he was summoned Into the superin tendent's office and informed he was to be that individual's assistant, he knew the business from the ground up and was far from deficient in the culture that book impart to their lovers. This former "Ragged Dick" is today, recognized as one of the most promising of the coming men in the steel Industry around Pittsburg. "And bo," concluded the host of tha newsboys, "I could continue ad infinitum. But the refrain of my words would be tha same the street Arab still has as much chance to get up In the world as ever ha did; and he who says no is either ignorant of the true conditions of affairs as regards theso 'Ragged Dicks,' or else is a believer in the erroneous theory that the day when the poor boy could rise Is past and gone." Hours tar aboard a man-o'-war in Japan. Tha ship had anchored in Nagasaki, and a native sampan man came aboard. As is well known, the Japanese are the most courteous people in the world, so, accord ing to custom, the sampan man, when met at the gang-plank by a long, loose jointed boy, bowod low and greeted him with tha universal salutation: "O hlo." (Good morning.) "Naw," replied the sailor, "ah'm from Georgia. Ah'm no damn Buckeye!" The Art of the Ancients Plutarch was writing his lives. "I think they will bo a go," he said, con fidentially, "I shall advertise that they con tain hitherto unpublished love letters." Subsequent circulation showed tha wis dom of his scheme. Nero was executing a violin solo while Home burned. "I'm glad I thought of this Are scheme," he exclaimed, "it will prevent them front calling me a virtuoso!" Rejoicing in the titles of monster and tyrant, he continued hia wild refrain. Homer had just completed his "Iliad." "It will never go," said his friends. "There is not even one coon Bong in the whole thing." "But," Interposed the poet, "remember. It will be harder to translate than Scotch dialect." Recognizing that here, indeed, was a true genius, they hailed him with acclaim. New York Sun, Able to Suggest One "The human body," said tho lecturer on anatomy, "is the most absolutely perfect machine in existence. It is inconceivable that it could ever be improved ujjon, when considered in its relation to Its environ ment, and its adaptability to the purposes for which it was created." "With all due respect, profx-i-or," Inter rupted the tall, gauniff spindle-shanked member of the class, "I t!nk I could men tion a possible Improvement." "Indeed" said the lucturor, visibly nettled at the young man's presumption. "Pray, what improvement would you sug gest, sir?" "I think the shin bone ought to have been located at the back part of the leg instead of the front." Chicago Tribune. Captain Kidd's Mistake Captain Kldd looked angry. "And to think," he muttered, "that I've spent all these years pacing a quarterdeck when I could have won the money with a poker deck more easily." Perceiving that he was a back number old pirate, he sorrowfully consigned his treas ure to its grave. -New York Times,