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SCENES IN WASHINGTON DURING THE FUNERAL OK THIS LATE PRESIDENT M'KINLEY Photon taken specially for The lief.
Selections from the Story Tellers' Pack
AN ENOLISH woman lecturer tells
two good stories mi herself:
"I wns on tour through the
provinces," she nays. "One night,
as I appeared tin tlu; platform In n
griuull tcwn, t lie chairman Introilucpil me to
my audience In the following way
" 'You liavo hoard of Mr tiinilstono. the
grand olil man, hot me now Introduce to
you tho grand old woman '
and (hurriedly) they've cut oft 'la 'cad."
Macready stood for n moment, speechless
flom disgust, hut his sense of humor did
not fall him.
"Oh, they have, have they?" he leplled.
Ironically, ''then ou've tpollt 'he whole
Messed play "
It was 1 o'clock In the morning, relates
Brooklyn Life
In the deepest shadow of the piazza of
"No price too high." .Madame promptly
bought the laces and o stiuck was she liv
the generosity, not to say gallantry of
her liiishand, that she added to her store
$.inu w uith beside When her husliand
leturned that evening she learned that '.lie
dispatch he had sent lead this way "No.
Trice too high.'1
He got on tho train at a way station and
sat down beside me, relates the St Louis
MISS EDITH SMITH, SEVENTH QUEEN OF AK-SAR-BEN, IN HER CORONATION COSTUME. I'hoto by Rlnehart
Republic, lie was long, lean and lanky.
I'll st he looked out of tho ear window ami
then at me. Sitting deeper Into his seat
ho suddenly remarked.
"Dry tiny, eh?"
I merely nodded ins head ;illli ni.il l el .
"Do you drink, young man?"
I said 1 didn't mind if I did.
He said he would mind, though. "Fur
thermore," ho continued, "I am surprised
that a man of your modest appearance, with
eyes denoting Christian breeding, a fore
head denoting good moral character and a
mouth too pure to withstand the taint of
intemperance, should lie willing to Indulge
ill the Honing howl."
1 could only squirm alimit in my seat and
prepare myself for an lS-carut temperance
lecture about to ho thrust upon me.
"And, young man, do you know that hun
dreds of homes have been devastated by
strong drink?"
I knew.
Do you realize that the Idols of man
hood have been shattered and wealth squati
dered by lliiuor?"
I realized.
"Aro you aware that wluo Is a mockor
and drink Is the national curse?"
I vwiB aware.
"Arc you cognizant of tho fact lliul uvery
glass la the, foundation stone of Intemper
ance,?" I was cog.
"Do you know that wines, liquors nnd
cigars aro the advance agents of Insobriety?
iiil, young man, for the sake of your par
ents, for tho good of your wife If you have
one, for tho respect of your children If
you have any, I want you to maka mo one
promise "
"And that Is?" 1 hurriedly Interrupted,
willing to promise anything, for his words
had moused mo and 1 knew I had been
groveling in the dark and that every drink
was a blot on tho sunshine of my home.
"I want you to pi online mo that you wilt
not let another drop of lbpior pass your
lips."
"1 won't," I almost shouted, extending
my hand as a seal to the faithful adherence
to my promise.
"And you will not yield to temptation''"
"I will not."
"And you will not ask for a drink should
you see some one else Imbibing?"
"I give you my word of honor 1 will not."
"Thanks, young man, thanks,' and with
that the mean, groveling, contemptible
limit, lean, lanky hypocrite put his hand to
his side pocket, brought forth a pint tlask
of whlky and drank to his heart's nnd
stomach's content, while I sat up like a
buncoed commuter amid the giggling occu
pants of the train.
Tho driver of the stage, which was roll
ing down tlie KooKy mountains us fast as
six mules on the gallop could keep ahead
of It, may have noticed that I was. writes
a (orrespoudeiit, a little uerwius. fur after
a lilt ho soothingly said:
"No use to grii that railing so mighty
hard, Ht ranger. We shan't coino to the
danger p'lul for half an hour vll."
"Then It's on ahead?" I iiuerled.
"Yes, tin co mill s aliiad and 1 luav sav
fur your hiiielll that liiingln' on won't do
any particular good."
"Hut I don't want to slide off."
"And J oil won't. If aiiythlu' goes It'll
bo mewls and coach and the bull caboodle
altogether, and as the drop Is plump l!0(l
feet you won't have no use for arnica or
sticking plaster afterward."
llaltlmore American: Theie was Once an
Energetic lieu who paid Strict Attention to
Duty, and never was below the Averagu in
her Dally Output of Eggs.
Each time that she Laid an Egg n Rooster
would Crow Lustily and excitedly, and An
iinunco tho Fact to I he World.
Now, there were Certain Hens that lie
longed lo the (bihslp llrlgade, and they were
Killed with Envy because of Tills,
So they went to the Energetic Hen and
said:
"We think It Is Just Awful the way Mr
Rooster takes all the Credit for your suc
cess. Every day be Crows ami Exults over
What Is Really your Ai lilevemeiit."
Hut the Energetic lieu smiled Cheerfully
ami Answered
"Do not Lose any More Sleep over It, for
ho Is my l'ress Agent "
Moral' If you Make a Success at Minding
your Own Business, all your Friends will
Assist you In Minding It,
"This was Intended as n since! u compli
ment. "On another occasion a blult old farmer,
who boasted his ability to look on all sides
of a question, announced me as follows.
r " 'This lady's come here to talk about bur
' right,' ho said. 'She's hired the hall nnd
so slio's got a right to he here and If anv
of you don't like what she's got to say
you'vo got an equal right to walk out In
tho mlddlo on't.' "
Tho great Mncready, In Ills favorite role
of Richard III, was wont to take liberties
with his text, apropos of which lltorarv
oflense an amusing story is handed down
nmnng provincial actors, relates Lou Ion
1jfi;g. In Mncready's verslun of tho play,
a messenger was made to enter In act
IV and report: "My liege, tho duke of
Buckingham Is taken," whereupon the
tragedian would bellow out In stentorian
tones "Then off with his head!" Mae
ready regarded this speech as tho enneen-
i rated cbsenco of "fat;" Indeed, it never
failed except on one memorable occasion, to
bring down the house." On the night In
question the super who played the messen
ger had resolved to cheat his chief out of
tho usual vociferous applause. As the
story runs, Macready had sternly reproved
tho man for some breach of duty nnd the
super burned for revenge. The play was
received as well as usual, tho audience
responding with enthusiasm to Mncrcadv's
robust nrt.
And the gicat moment came when the
popular tragedian wns preparing to deliver
In thunderous tones his order for the do
cnpltatlon of the shifty duke. (To him
enter super.)
Super (In a high squeaky voice): "Mo
'liege, they've caught the duke o' Ruckln-am
tho little suburban vllln In which our Btorv
opens sat two burglars, earnestly discussing
tho nlTalr that had brought them hither, A
light In one of tho upper wIuiIowb, which
bad only Just been extinguished, had made
them postpone for a while their attempt
and this delay had given the first burglar
an opportunity to ask his partner the cir
cumstances which had led to this particular
graft.
"Tlie woman who occupies tills house,''
whispered the second burglar, "has $10,000
in rash. Sho drew It out of the bank yes
tenhiy anil tomorrow she will turn It over
to tho old nnd trusted friend of her late
husband,"
"Who Is ho?" nsked tho first burglar.
"He's an old cove they've known all their
lives. He's going to ndvljo her how to In
v st her money. In tho meantime, she's
got It nil upstairs with her In n black
bag."
The tlrst burglar was silent for awhllo
"Jim," ho said at Inst, "I haven't tlie
heart to do It. Slio's a widow. Let's wait "
"Walt!" exclaimed the second burglar
"For what?"
"Why, said hU companion, "wait tin' II
the old cove hns It. Then rob him."
Ono of tho best stories lllustrntlng the
danger that lies In amhigiiouslv worded
telegraph dispatches Is being told about a
New York lawjer of Inrge nicnns and ade
quate knowledge of the value of the dollar
Pis wife had gone to an aueuon sale of
laces, of which sho Is Inordinately
fond, nnd had seen sumo pieces which took
her fnney. Tho price was $2,000 ami she
hesitated to make the purchase without
asking her husband whether she should do
so. She did so nnd received this reply
SB
Y MILY OROLI' AT THE (iOLDEN WEDDIMi OF MR AND MRS HENRY HERO Flashlight photo by a lice S nIT rtlst
