A&$P! . SPECTATORS AT THE Li? F
Selections from the Story Tellers' Pack
ON,.: night last week a vaudeville
actress, wliu was playing In ono
of the Chicago theaters, walked
out on the stage to do her "turn."
She euuii' out smiling and begun
to slug a rugllmu song. Whuii she finished
the song she waited for t ho applause, but
as it was not forthcoming alio turned to tliu
audience and said:
"I know 1 can't slug, but what am I to
do? I can't cook."
This remark nimle tliu audience hiiiIIu. iiut
Just then i-omeUilng happened which put
tlio bouse In an uproar, for just as soon
as the actress had said "1 know I can't
sing, but what uui 1 to do? 1 can't cook,"
a nuwsboy, who was sitting in the top row
of the gallery, yelled down to her:
"(Jo aud peddlo papers."
The actress turned red and immediately
begun Hinging a "coon" song to drown the
laughter.
It happened at Cump Lincoln, when the
Fifth Illinois was in camp at Sprlngllold, re
lates the Chicago Tribune.
After tlio sunset gun hus been llred the
camp takes on all the appearance of grim
vlsaged war. I'lckets aro posted and no one
Is allowed to pass without llrwt being chal
lenged ami explaining to the satisfaction of
the sentry his Identity ami business. Ono
evening soon after sunset one of the oMcerri
of the regiment, who had been In town with
Ills pretty daughter, approached one of the
sentries on guard at the camp and was
promptly challenged.
"Who goes there?" rang out the sharp
challenge as the muket came to present.
"Ollicer of the Day," wiih the answer.
"Advance, Ollicer of the Day, and bo
recognized," said the business-like picket.
The ollicer ami Ills pretty daughter
promptly walked forwnrd and passed
through Into the camp.
A little later the same evening the young
woman had occnidon to pass through the
lino for a moment. When she stnrted to
return she was challenged by the same son
try who hod stopped her when she was ac
companied by her father. This time sliu put
on a bold front nnd detormlned to do Just ns
ho had done beforo.
"Who comes there?" cried the sentry
fiercely In the gathering twilight.
"Officer of the Day," answered the glil, as
she had heard her father answer.
For half a mlnuto the sentry wns puzzled.
Then he recovered his wits.
"Advance, Ollicer of the Day," he called,
"and kiss tlio guard."
Whether the young woman's military
tialnlng had been miftiolently advanced to
mako her realize that n soldier's first duty
Is obedience to orders Is not recorded.
"The lBnguor of the soft spring days car
ries mo back In memory to the beginning
of my professional career," said ex-Senator
Chandler of New Hampshire the othor
day to a friend.
"Thoro used to stand In the streets of
Portland, not far from my nlllce, Fomo dry
goods boxes, which were much sought by
citizens when the weather was flno nnd
time hung somewhat heavy upon their
hands. When the 'spring feeling' was
strongest on mo I used to think, from my
perch on one of those boxes, that life would
bo a doleful grind If I must go back to my
desk and work. Since then I huvo learned
that there Is such a thing us a habit of
duty.
"When a man mis once acquired it ho can
no longer sit quiet on u dry goods box uml
sun himself. He must always bo doing
.something or he Is uncomfortable and en
forced leisure Js more irksome to him
thau the hardest of labor. 1 inquired the
duty habit forty years ago, and a balmy
spring day, though It never falls to call
up memurles of my youthful love for a
loaf In the sunshine, inspires me with no
temptation to repeat that experience."
One day recently "President Hlmer 11.
Capen of Tufts college was addressing the
Miishuchusetls Dental society and ex
plained his lack of technical dental nomen
clature, expressing the hope that If, on this
account, ho made a poor speech, It would
not be assumed that he always made poor
speeches. In making this point he told a
nautical story,
"The male of a certain schooner," ho said,
"was In (he habit of drinking more than
wa good for him. On ono occasion, after
he had recovered from an unusually severe
attack of Intoxication, he was looking over
the log aud found that the captain hail In
scribed therein on a certain date:
" '.Mate drunk.'
"The mate promptly went to the captain
and asked why such a statement had beon
written down,
"'It Is true, Isn't it?' asked the captain.
" 'Yes,' said the mate.
"Then let It stand," said the captain.
"A few days later the captain In locking
over the log found this Inscription: Cap
tain sober.' lie summoned the mate and
asked him what he meant by taking such u
liberty.
" 'It's true, Isn't It?' asked the mate
" 'Yos,' said the captain, 'but '
" 'Then let It tdnnd,' said the mate."
One of the great tiirnlng points In tho
early life of Admiral Farrngut Is told In
the August Issue of Success, which pub
lishes a scries of new stories of the great
American.
David was acting as cabin boy to his
father, brave (Jeorge Furragut, who had
taken part In the revolutionary and tho In
illan wain, and who, on this occasion, as
Hulllng-muster of tho fleet, was on his wny
to New Orleans with the Infant navy of tho
I'nlted Stntes. Tho boy thought ho hail tho
(luulltles that mako a man. "I could Bwear
like an old salt," he says, "could drink as
stllf a glass of grog as If I hail doubled
Cape Horn and could smoke llko a locomo
tive. I wos great at cards and was fond of
gambling In every shape. At tho close of
dinner ono day," ho continued, as tho story
Is related by William M. Thayer, "my
father turned everybody out of the cabin,
locked the door and said to mo: 'David,
what do you mean to bo?'
" 'I man to follow the Ben,' I said.
"'Follow tho sea!' exclaimed father, 'yea,
bo a poor, miserable, drunken sal.lor before
tho mast, kicked and cuffed about tho world
and die In a fever hospltnl In somo foreign
cllmol'
"'No, father.' I replied, 'I will tread the
quarter-deck and command, as you dn."
"'No, Dald, no boy over trod tho quar-ter-deik
with such principles as you havo,
and i mil habits ns you exhibit. You will
havo to changa your whole course of llfo If
you ever becomo a man,"
M father lift me anil went on deck. 1
was stunned by the rebuko and overwhelmed
wiih iiioi miration. 'A poor, miserable,
drunken sailor before the mast, kicked and
culled iiboul the world ami die In some
fever hospital!' 'That's my fate, Is It? I'll
change my llfo nnd I will change It nt once.
I will never utter another oath, never drink
another drop of Intoxicating liquor, never
gamble, ' anil, as Cod Is my witness," said
the admiral, solemnly, 'I have kept those
three vows to this hour."
"To II I dm t people the lute (iellelul (leorgo
Crook, the Indian tighter, was a solemn mall,
but he loved a practical joke," said Colonel
"Jou" Her to a Chicago Tribune man.
"Hack in the '70s, soon after he was made
a brigadier general and stationed at Omaha,
Coneral Crook organized a wildcat hunting
party among a lot of us ami one moonlight
night we started across tho prairie from
Omaha for the fort. Tho plan was to Bleep
at the foil and at daylight start for tho
wildcats. After we were all fast asleep
Oonernl Crook came down stairs without
any shoes on and took from our lilies the
bull cartridges, replacing them with blanks.
On the way to the woods the general In
dicated the order in which ho wished us to
lire on the Hist wildcat In case we should
treo thu beiiHt. We had hardly reached
the woods before (lonerul Crook rose 111 his
saddle and said:
" 'lly thunder, boys, there's a cat tight
In tho crotch of that fir! Drop off your
wagon and bag hltu!'
"We were on the ground In a twinkling
and in less time thau It takes to tell it we
were bl'i.ing away at a monstrous big
wildcat .vhieh was hugging I In- limb of the
tree. The cat never stirred us the siir
eessivo shots were llred anil the hunters
looked at one another In open-mouthed
astonishment. Wo looked around for llon
ernl Crook ami found him behind a stump,
laughing away to beat the baud. At onco
It Hashed on us that wo timl been hoaxed.
The general had just straightened up and
was beginning to explain the Joke when the
driver, a hired man at tho fort, pulled
from under a blanket in the wagon a double
barreled shotgun loaded with buckshot.
The general didn't see htm Hie, but he
turned around Just In time to see tufis of
I'M- and hair lly from the wildcat us It
dropped from the tree.
"Off went the general Into another lit of
laughter. Hut this time tho laugh wiih on
himself, for tho hired man had poured
both charges of buckshot Into a beautifully
Muffed wildcat, completely ruining It, and
tho general subsequi nt ly paid the saloon
keeper from whom he hud borrowed It
about All thin ("rook said was:
"'Hoys, It was worth lion apiece to see
five good marksmen miss n wildcat In broad
daylight nt thirty paces.' "
Tho sudden death' of Historian John
Flsko brings out stories of hl.i wonderful
precocity ns a child. At 7 ho was reading
Caesar, at 8 ho had read tho whole of
Shakespeare and a good deal of Milton,
liunynn nnd Popo. Ho began firoek at 0.
IU II h hud read Clbbon, liobertson anil
l'nsioii and must of Krolssart and at tho
s.iiiii. age wrote ftom memory a chiono
lognul tuM' from II C mini to A D 1C0.
tilling a quail., blank book of sixty p igi s
Ai 1.' he had r. u i must ,f the 'Collectanea
Orucca Majorn bv the aid of a (Ireek
Latin dictionary, ami tile next year hud
read tho whole uf Virgil, Honor, Taellu,
Sullust and Suetonius and much uf I. Ivy,
Cicero, Ovid, Catullus and Juvenal. At the
same time ho had gone Ihtniigli Kuclnl,
plane ami spherical tiigonotui It i . survey
lug ami navigation, and uiiulyin geometry
and was well on Into tho dllTn. nilal ial
culiis. At l.ri ho could read l'lato and Hero
dotus at sight and was beginning (ieiuian
Within the next year he was keeping, his
diary In Spanish aud was leading Prone h
Italian and Pot liigueio. He began llchiow
at 17 and ti.ok up Sauskiii the next eai
Meanwhile he was delving alo In scb lice
getting his knowledge from books and
not from the laboratory or the Held. He
aveiaged twelve hours study dally twelve
mouths in the year, befoio lie was
ID ami afterward nearly Hfteeii hours dully,
working with persistent energy, yet ho
maintained the moat robust health and
entered with enthusiasm Into out-of-duor
life.
Kduiuud Vance Cooke, a platform poet
aud contributor to magazines, during a ir
cent tour through Texas, was accosted b
a drummer in the usual fashion of "What
do you sell?"
"Hot air," answered Mr. Cooke In n ver
matter-of-fact way.
"Hot air?"
"Yes."
"Ceo, I hope you don't sell any In this
country. We want rain down hero."
"Where do you reside?"
"S:in Anton."
"Well, I noli! a couple of lotH theie,"
"Who did you Hell?" the drummer In
quired, In a characteristically ungrammat
leal manner.
"Franklin aud Shaw," mentioning the
Hitmen of the president and secretary of
tho Sun Antonio Lyceum.
"Franklin and Shaw'' Don't know them
You don't mean Lawyer Franklin, do you?"
"Yes."
"Well, purdnor, I can sell a ton of coal to
a man that's looking for a load of Ice; I
inn Hell men's shoes to a woman milliner,
and once I sold a man a barrel of salt for
confectioners' Htigur, but If you can sell hot
air to a lawyer you can go to the head of
tho class."
t)ue of the most courteous and consid
erate railroad men In the country Is M II
Ingnlls, president of the lllg Knur. No
matter what the circumstances he has
never been known to give anyone n briisqtiu
or Impolite answer. In this manner he Is
a Chesterfield and In talking with his
subordinates he issues orders as If his em
ployes were doing him a favor in obeying
hltt,. One time when he nas president of
the Chesapeake & Ohio Mr. Ingnlls was
going over the roud In his private ear,
accompanied i,y H two sous, Albert and
Ceorge. At a little station out In tho
mountains of Virginia the train was side
tracked nnd everything pointed to u long
stop. Tho passengers were, as they al
ways are, Impatient nt the delay and the
telegraph operator was bombarded with
questions.
Now this operator, like the operatorH at
most small stations, was the whole thing.
He hail everything to do sell tickets, load
baggage, dispatch trains in fact there was
hardly a railroad departing that be did
not have his hand In An I. of course be
was not in the most amlatie frame of mind
blame," said Mr
you did not ap
way. You ought
mug man bus a
has to be very
little thing will
I
from the questions that had been asked
him.
Albert Ingnlls who, by tho way, Is now
superintend! tit of the Indianapolis divi
sion of the lllg Four became Impatient
ami went to the tolcgwiph olllco to ascer
tain the iiiiiHu of tho trouble ami learn
how long the train was to wait. Some
thing In his tone or dress did not pleas.'
the operator and he huIiI things to tho sou
i t the mud's president that scut hltu
buck to his father's cur In a hurry. He ex
plained that he could get no satisfaction
from tho oiierutor.
"Perhaps you were to
Ingnlls, kindly. "Maybe
proach him in the right
to remember that the y.
gleat deal to do and hi'
particular and the least
annoy him. Now I am suilslled that If
had gone ho would have told me."
"Suppose you try It, father," icmurkcd
young lugallH, seating himself to await do
vclnpmcnts.
An hour or mom passed aud the picsi
dent began to gel a little lestleHS himself
ami concluded he would see If ho could gel
any lufoi motion. So lie went up to tho
(olograph oiiiie. The operator was "peck
lug" away lor dear life. Ills faco wiih red
and II was plain to lie soon that he wiih not
In a very good humor Two or three train
men were standing around nnd they hud
been pcBlered with questions until they
were iiboul ready to light.
"Say. young man," said Mr. Ingnlls, n,
Ills softest and IiiohI colli troilB Voice, "will
you kindly te me how much longer w
will be detained here''"
Tho operator continued "peeking" awu
and at last, after several minutes' wait
turned mound and blurti d out.
"How many more of you guys are com
In In hero to devil mo with your il-- n
questions? How tho h - do I know wloi,
you are going lo Man ' Ho you suppos.
I'm holding you here because I'm stud, mi
you?"
"Did you llml out how Bonn wo would
Htnrt. fin hi i"" asked Albeit nB the presl
dent ciime buck lo tho ear.
"The young man was very busy, Albert."
lespoiid.d his fniher, "ami 1 did not want
to Inleirupt hltu. We Khali Imvu to wan
until wo enn get nway."
On one of the hottest duys reoently a
prominent Wall street man walked Into
Delmonleu'H with a friend, tolutes He
Now Yotk iimo. Tho Inner wiih a mem
her of tho HhiriwiilBt brigade. Taking
bciiIh at n table, refreshments were iihinn
to lieorderul when a waiter lemnrked -
"Ceiillemen, I urn sorry lo lay I Cuunm
hoivo you. Tho rule Is strictly onsen. .1
hero to servo nobody who Is without a
coat."
The gonllemen wero annoyed and ex
pressed Iholr amazement tlml such a rule
should be ciifnned unaliml two regular
pat ions. ITnnlly the broker Kald to the
wall oi" "You can serve me?"
"Yew. sir," ho niiHwored,
Well, bring me a Scotch high hull "
After enjoying the boveruge, he coolly re
moved his coal and handed II to his friend
with the remark'
"Put on inv coat and nnler what win
nm at iin i pi'iisi. "
Tb ' shirtwaist man did and g.d his
drink
