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About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (Dec. 13, 1999)
EDITOR •• Josh Funk-—_ OPINION EDITOR Mark Baldridge EDITORIAL BOARD Lindsay Young Jessica Fargen Samuel McKewon Cliff Hicks Kimberly Sweet Quotes of the ;v YEAR It appears that there’s some feeling, maybe, I was going to be standing out here by myself today looking for players. Head Coach Frank Solich, on the announcement of Bobby Newcombe as first-string quarterback As I told you before, I’m ready to sit up in that chair if you’re ready to push that switch. Convicted murderer David K. Dunster, seeking the death penalty Even if the results of the study point toward a disproportionality, they proba bly won’t be statistically conclusive. Allen Curtis, director of the Nebraska Crime Commission, on the yet-to-be-con ■ ~~ductedstudy on possible death penalty dis crimination There have been gays in the military as long as there’s been a military. They’ve only had to hide. Democratic presidential candidate Bill Bradley He called me by name. I was pretty scared. UNL student who received anonymous threatening phone calls Who cans? The DN wifl just make some degrading cartoon anyway! Homecoming Court candidate Timothy Hodges answering the question, “Moeser vs. Solich in a fight. Who wins and why7n We did not anticipate a performance of this nature. —NUAthletic Director Bill Byrne and ASUN Homecoming Committee Chairwoman Chris Linder on the Tom Green fiasco They have a brain about the size of a peanut Zoo representative Randy Sheer on the beleaguered emu -The judgments ofWWUI wfll wipe off the earth the phonies and the crud. Then we win begin the new millennium. Leland Freeborn, “The Parowan Prophet’’ onY2K That’s just totally wrong. Athletic Ticket Office Manager John Anderson on Roger “Doc ” Baskerville, the ticket taker who let a group into a football game for $100 The church has said it wiU use its power _-legal power, spiritual power and finan cial power - to enforce bigotry. Rev. Jimmy Creech after his defrocking by the United Methodist Church Do I wish things had turned out differ ently today? You bet Don’t you? Seattle Mayor Paul Schell, on the WTO riots The last time I heard, abortion was legal English Professor James McShane, on the fetal tissue research controversy Letter Policy The Daily Nebraskan welcomes brief letters to the editor and guest columns, but does not guarantee their publication. The Daily Nebraskan retains the right to edit or reject any material submitted. Submitted material becomes property of the DafyNebraskan and cannot be returned. Anonymous submissions w» not be pubfished Those who submit letters must idenfify themselves by name, year in school, major and/or group affiliation, if any. Submit material to: Qaitr Nebraskan, 20 Nebraska Union, 1400 R 9t. Uncoin, NE. 68588-0448. E-mail: letters@unl.edu. f OOH, tW£y GOT A mm 1 Pl£A ffioM TH£ &UY WHO 1 CREATED THE MEUSSA COMPUTER VIRUS -TUB (AiE t?/Ar WAS 1AKIAIG OVER SYSl&AIS /|NZ> l DISRUPTIKI6' 'THOR, ^loRMAL puKkrnoNiN|&: Solutions from Santa Departing editor solves world’s problems ;-i i l _ Wake up, Virginia, there ain’t no Sandy Claws. Sony if I blew that for the kid dies, but what’re you doing, letting them read the Rag, anyway? It’s full of aborted fetuses and public masturbators; let ’em go back to slaughtering each other at Nintendo, polishing their revolvers for show-and-tell, whatever the hell it is kids do these days. ... piercing their noses in die bathroom... Anyway, don’t count on the fat guy to come sliding down the chim bly X-Mas eve to solve all your problems, dishing from his bag of goodies. Leave that to me. That’s right, I’m here with answers to everything, ho, ho, ho! From Y2K to the WTO! So just do as I say, and nobody has to get hurt, OK? Fetal Tissue All right, let’s remember that we’re talking about the dissection and scientific use of corpses here. (Who was it made that analogy earli er in the year? I can’t remember.) And even if they were die corpses of murder victims, well, their loved ones could still donate their bodies to science, right? End of case. (Morons.) Gay Marriage This reminds me of the sniffy “church lady” types you used to hear pronouncing on the less-than-vir ginal bride who opted, in spite of tra dition, to wear white. Don’t laugh; it was a real issue within living memory. Go ahead and try to remind your kids oftiiat when they find out you and your generation made a big stink about something that is so, Idee, not your own bees’wax. Peanuts, Popcorn,Crackerjack! If a guy in a store eats one peanut, and that store calls the cops, well, that store has lost a customer and maybe more. (I’ve spoken with at least one person who refuses to shop at any such store.) And a store that doesn’t care about customers is a store being run shoddily. Shoddily-run stores are a social ill and should be outlawed. Someone call the cops! TheWTO People are losing the power to vote about things like workers’ con ditions and environmental concerns in die production of many of the products they will buy. I have die solution: The United States should buy the world. Sure it’s expensive; it’ll cost a lot more than (pinky to your lip) One Million Dollars! But if we don’t, Pepsi will, and I think even you can see the problem with that. Then, give every person the vote. I realize that no one really wants to live under the rule of the global majority. “What about mueraie nee paddy farm ers in China. Give them the vote? That’s pre posterous!” I But the M founding fathers | faced the J| same d challenge though Jfl they gave JH the benefit Wk of the doubt to :|M illiterate M butchers j|| Georgia, 1| we right- 9 ly blame 9 them for mm leaving ^9 outillit erate women and blacks. Sure, our lives would be different in the United States of Earth - maybe we’d live'under some form of socialism. But it’d be a democratic social ism, from which no one has anything to fear. Look at Chile, they’re about to elect die first socialist president (maybe) since the United States bombed die hell out of Allende in ’73. Is anyone scared this time? Hell no! Y2K Madness This is easy to solve. I’ll tell you how in 21 days. There are other problems, of course: parking (don’t let freshmen park), school prayer (only allow prayers led by members of a differ ent tradition than anyone in the school: “Oh Mighty Isis!”) and still others that you could name. But I think you’ve got the gist of it here and can apply the same meth ods to solve any of the really big ones yourself. And don t argue with me, or it’s coal in your stocking this year, bucko. God bless us, every one! f DebLee/DN Mark Baldridge is a senior English major and departing opinion editor for ike Daify Nebraskan. r"V. ' •; :* > ' • ... ■ - ’■ * '