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About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (April 1, 1999)
-—-- ■■ __ , ___«__ Hillary joins fight against reality —,V -■ j —J > ' —-r——r* «■— 1 - i </• 4 1 $g CHICKEN from page 6 shans.” Anthropology professor Karl Reinhard said he fronted die new system because it wotdd allow him to meet his critics in a format he understood. “All those years of pumping iron and eating ’roids by the handful are going to pay off,” Reinhard said. Reinhard was also the first faculty with the chancellor’s office The associate professor will now go by the name ifce Bo*e / | Baron. He did not declare a patent- - ed move, but said onewas on the way. “Like it or hate it,” Moeser saki, “you’re going to get it Vm tired of watching you bicker Wke children. You could at least punch each other like hearty teens.” Betting Line Home team in CAPS Favorite Underdog Tutors 20 ATHLETES HILLARY 10 Bill. “ Fresh feeling 15 NOT-SO-FRESH FEELING BINGE DRINKING 21 Alcohol-free fun BACKSTREET BOYS 3 N-Sync \ Dally Nebraskan 42 THE JOURNALIST Righteous indignation- 2 UTTER DEGRADATION R-RATED MOVIES 11 PG-rated movies “Let’s be friends” 4 “WE’VE GROWN APART” Falling out window 7 PASSING OUT ON FLOOR HITCHHIKING 1 Public transportation Caffeine 12 CRACK-COCAINE Slow death • 9 ADVANCED REPORTING OLD STYLE 5 Water Bike thieves 20 TODD MUNSON FLY HOOPTY 6 Wack ride John Lennon 8 PAUL McCARTNEY CONAN O’BRIEN 13 Jay Leno Second-tier schools 22 THIRD-TIER SCHOOLS KARAOKE 14 Billiards Tolerance 2 XENOPHOBIA Hitchcock’s ‘Psycho’ 35 VAN SANT’S ‘PSYCHO’ SMOKIN’ 10 Cussin’ Little white lies 3 UGLY TRUTHS .JETS 4 Sharks SISSY 1 Bud LEAVIN’ IT 5 Lovin’ It Monica 7 BRANDY Ethics . 2 SCHM EffellCS INHALING 4 Hot-boxing Brandishing 3 CONCEALING GILA MONSTER 13 Horned Frog Looking good 8 FEELING GOOD ELj/IS PRESLEY even Elvis Costello ^Lirid stares 11 SIDELONG GLANCES THE REAL WORLD ' 1 Road Rules Sweet ‘n’ Sour Pork even SWEET ‘N’ SOUR CHICKEN NOW 15 Later ByDanQuayle Potatoe speeialiste Call the its stars and stripes’ great est facelift in 200 years. Call k a stellar representation «f American intemati©oal politics. But whatever you call k, don’t cafl it mean. , - Hillary Clinton announced Wednesday she had finished sewing tile newest, friendliest-ever version of fte United States’ flag. “I figured, if I could emulate Barbara Bush by wearing pearls and baking cookies, I could also do Betsy Ross by sewing a new flag,” she said. Her new flag, which Bill Clinton heralded as “proof my wife loves being a homemaker and satisfying her hus band,” features a missile streaming across the Stars and Stripes, smiling to all who see it. “It will improve our image over seas,” Hillary Clinton said. “American soldiers conducting peacekeeping mis sions, such as the one in Kosovo, can fly it proudly above their tanks and command posts. Foreigners around them finally will see that we don’t drop mean bombs, we drop happy ones.” Ross Perot said he feared the new flag would cause flag-making jobs to move to Mexico, but other politicians were quick to praise the first lady’s efforts. “At least she wasn’t hanging around the Capitol,” said Pat Buchanan, who then stopped to pray fof-the safety“bFalTbombs flying the friendly skies. “Yessirree, Pat. At least she wasn’t creating an brilliant new health-care proposal. The tutor I hired to help me understand the last one cost $40 billion alone!” said Republican presidential hopeful Lamar Alexander, who subse quently burst into tears. Secretary of State Madeleine Albright could not comment on the new flag, which she said Clinton had refused to show her thus far. But she said that U,S,J>ombs do promote happiness, and she thought the United States should drop them more often - preferably right onto Russian prime minister Boris Yeltsin’s liquor cabinet. “That old man still has his vodka bottle on the nuclear button,” she said. “What an ass.” Yeltsin could not be awakened for comment, but his advisers said Russians would soon sew and stock pile 2,000 larger Russian flags with larger missiles flying across each one. The move is expected to be t opposed by Ronald Reagan, who recently announced he would wander aimlessly back into international poli ticking and seems to remember some thing about those pesky Russians always trying to make the Gipper build bigger missiles. “Pass the mayonnaise,” he said. “Yoda? Phone home.” bee you in court, you Blarney-kissin scum 1_I_ri.L. _ J J_J .1 _ _ in • . 1 , By Conan O’Brian Staff lush By signing an act Monday, Gov. Mike “Oatmeal” Johanns added Nebraska to the latest storm brewing in the American judicial system. The act, passed by the Legislature last week, makes Nebraska the last plaintiff to join all 50 states and Puerto Rico in suing the Irish for introducing America to drunken stupor. Supporters of the suit - which asks for $25 billion to be distributed equally among drunks - say it is time the Irish took responsibili ty for bringing fire water with them to the United States, causing years of health problems and swollen livers. Soon after Oatmeal signed the act, the Irish reaction turned violent. A group of400 protesters surround ed the governor’s mansion after the signing. The protesters chanted in slurred speech while hurling whiskey bottles at the mansion. One protester was severely beaten after he started throwing Guinness. “You’ll not get our pot o’ gold,” J11UUIVU 1 Will V/ LHUllll, lvauvi HI 111V once powerful Irish lobby. O’Smith spoke for about 10 minutes in front of the protesters. He then tripped on a microphone cord and fell into die crowd while swinging his arms. The ensuing brawl forced Gov. Oatmeal to call out the National Guard. “It is my fervent hope that we can work out our differences,” Oatmeal said. “During my campaign, I traveled all over this state in a crappy little car. I heard two things from almost all Nebraskans: Work to create one Nebraska. Lower our property taxes. And sue the Irish. “By joining this suit we have angered many. But the savings to the state in the form of less state aid for drunks could fund real property tax relief for sober Nebraskans.” President Clinton, in a telephone interview from the Lincoln bedroom, applauded Nebraska. “We needed - just a second, I’m on the phone, Sugar Lips - we needed unity on this,” he said. “Nebraska has ensured that the Irish will have to pay.” \ First lady Hillary Clinton, auuitsscu uie piedd iisiiuuuicd laid from her campaign headquarters in Sri . Lanka. 1 But she didjiot speak about the law suit. After 30 minutes of media ques tions about her feelings on Monica Lewinsky’s interview with Baba Wawa, Mrs. Clinton angrily retired to her quar ters. “Go screw yourselves,” she shout ed. “I need a drink.” The lawsuit would require all citi zens of Ireland and anyone who has moved from Ireland to the United States since 1804 to collectively cough up $25 billion. If the states are successful in the suit, the money would be distributed equally to drunks to pay for health prob lems incurred by Irish-inducted alco holism and for alcohol treatment pro grams. But that may not amount to much for some U.S. drunks. As the suit now reads, families of drunks who have been dead no longer than 10 years could apply for money to pay for past damages. Legal experts have said that could result in only 10 cents per drunk. 402-472-1761 (FAX) '4 ® M ^ ® $5.00/15 words dn@unl.edu | |^Q O O 1 T 1 0/10 $0$15^chad<S?S 34 Nebraska Union . ml /I III ft I I $0.75 billing charge P.O. 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(402) 6oos mmw RHA RHA to hold town hall meeting on the meaning of life and how to get one. 10 p.m.-midnight, Neihardt Dull Lounge. BBO Thanks for the great time cowtipping. We'll tip over with you guys anytime! Phi Phi Beta ■ TAB Thanks for the great night of rollerskating. We’H roll with you guys anytime) _Delta Phi Omega AAA Thanks for alt the crack rock. We’ll be your after school special anytime. ana _^_ No third-party write-in candidates, my nuts! This is dis crimination and repression. I coulda been a contender! Ricky the Squirrel Congratulations Ahman! Welcome h/the gang! _L.R and the bovs SWF, mature, seeks WM for reminiscing about Jolly Old England, dancing at gay dubs and drinking tea. If my special jelly-tot is out there, I’m DYING to hear from you. Write c/o Westminster Castle. Luv, _ “Liz" ^S?^70o!o^r^eennone^Afrai^Un!gh^^>eing spent in elaborate grant scheme, but too drunk to _ Lost: DIGNITY If found, call Phi Lambda Beta Theta Chi Gamma Alpha.