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About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (April 1, 1999)
PRISSY Hell, Yes, I Am a Big 01’ Texan Gibson PARANOID I’m Getting a Gun & Water Purifier Hicks BITCfflN’ BOARD You’re Not a Bad-Ass Like Me Christensen The Brits Lost, Brad Kluck You Sam Unqualified Randall F***! F***! Schulte Our VIEW Hear ye, peasants Don’t let the brilliance of this piece blind you An editonal began once, upon these pages, and with this editorial we went about setting forth an agenda, and it was decided that the agenda would henceforth be known as the Incoherent Thought Agenda, and in this agen da were outlined many ideas, none of which shall be recanted here for your benefit, because, as we have gone to great lengths to prove, frankly, students, you don’t give a damn. In making your decision not to give a damn, we, the editorial board, have decided that weekly meetings at which we discuss seri ous issues that affect the campus, the city, the state, the nation and, yea, verily, the world, should from this point on be dropped in favor of a less rigorous, more flexible regimen, as we have grown tired and weary of these fool ish facades during which we pretend to give two shakes of a rat’s ass about anything that might affect those other than us. It was with a great sense of honor, pride, joy and glee that the editorials which mean nothing to anyone, which use language beyond the grasp of mere students and instructors, commentary so far into the realm of the superfluous and extravagant as to super sede the understanding of anyone within a crow’s toss, words so incredibly complex so as to require even the most astute and learned English professors to evacuate and cling to their thesauruses as though that futile book will help them persevere through the ambigu ous intricacy that is the “Our View” editorials, were dropped in favor of something much less significant, much more ambitious and far more glorious. In short and concise words, the editorials have been dropped so that we, the editorial board, may go drinking on Sunday afternoons. We realize that such an illustrious and lofty goal might, at first, seem a facetious and even ludicrous one, especially as we, the guardians of journalistic values and integrity on campus, are expected to cling to higher values than those of the every person on the campus, this the campus that is soon to be devoured by the greenspace that will replace all the parking spots with the oh-so more aesthetically pleas ing grass, but yet, we digress and must con fess, we’re people, too. These petty plans of pioneering expan sions into die deep forages and recesses of stu dents mind, in order to facilitate the education of those without grasp of their meager lots in life, were made in the hopes that you, the read er who has so diligently continued headlong towards the end of this editorial, scouring each cul-de-sac of the words for hidden meaning, would gain some insight into the inner work ings of the conundrum that forms the inner workings of life. And yet, you have failed us, with your absences and lackadaisical capriciousness, and thus forth, we have decided you matter not to us. Away with you, bitter knave, for mead and sweet wine await us at Duffy’s royal bar! Why Wb Say What We Do Unsigned editorials are written by the surviving midget cast members of “The Wizard of Oz.." They don’t reflect the opinions of anyone other than a small, vocal minority, embittered after decades of midget wrestling and underground careers. Columns don’t reflect anything, even themselves, and are written by escapees from sitcoms destined to fail. ' People hate them, as do we. We treat these people like those little monkeys that dance for money white an accordian player belts out a time so old the notes are moth ridden. No one really cares what they have to say, and they have no real excuse other than the bitterness inside them. Like We Care About You The Daily Nebraskan may say that it wants letters, but in fact, no one cares about your sorry ass opinions. We feed any paper sent to Xepotic, the attack dog retained for keeping employees in line. We don't care, okay? Go to hell! All you do is bitch and moan and we’ve gotten tired of taking your crap, so this is you can take your damn letters and shove them. Submit nude photographs to: Daily Halfasskan, Nebraska Union Dungeon, Somewhere in NowheresviBe. All emails wiB be forwarded to the People’s Repubfic of Demonic Possession, who will come and get you, you poor fool. Don/t LOOK AT THIS \ MJumb-ass \/ LETTERS Opinion page is slanted! Hey, I have a serious problem here. What’s with all these totally biased arti cles on the opinion pages? Seriously! I read your column yesterday, and I can’t find a shred of objectivity! Like, hello?! Did any of you ever take a jour nalism class in your life?! It’s a newspaper. Articles on the opinion page are supposed to be objec tive, not spouting what you think every five seconds. These articles are just full of wrong ideas, bad aiguments and less than accurate assertions! Don’t you have anyone who checks pages four and five before they go to print? Who’s behind this mess? Cpt. Karl Lewless junior philosophical pedantering Like, huh, dude? To the editorial cartoonist: I don’t get it. Knott Tooquick freshman unrecognizable Editorial cartoonists note: Me nei ther, but I’m sure we ’re not talking about the same thing. I read the DN once and hated it I hated the article you printed sometime this week on what’s happen ing on campus. I don’t remember who wrote it, what page it was on or what day it appeared, but I hate it. It totally portrayed the greek system in a totally bad light, and that’s like totally unfair. You bastards were undoubtedly commie pinko rush rejects. It just proves how slanted the Daily Nebraskan is every day!!! Hedup Myass senior forgot my major Right-wing freaks! The stifling conservative pro-life, pro-meat, pro-religion, anti-diversity rhetoric of this newspaper is getting tiresome. Who let all these damn Republicans in? I know for a fact there aren’t this many Republicans on cam pus. I went out hunting with my shot gun to get me a couple o’ Republican skins, and I couldn’t find any. This leads me to believe there are all together too many working for your .4 damn newspaper. Republicans shouldn’t be let out of the house and they certainly shouldn’t be allowed onto a campus where peo ple are supposed to be free to think however they want. They must be stopped! Ver E. Liberul freshman antagonism Commie bastards! The liberal pro-gay, pro-diversity, pro-sin, pro-corruption rhetoric of this newspaper is getting tiresome. Who let all these damn Democrats in? I know for a fact there aren’t this many Democrats on campus. I went out hunting with my shotgun to get me a couple o’ Democrat skins, and I couldn’t find any. This leads me to believe there are all together too many working for your damn newspaper. Democrats shouldn’t be let out of the house and they certainly shouldn’t be allowed onto a campus where peo ple are supposed to be free to think however they want. They must be stopped! Ver E. Ritewing freshman. antagonism UNL is a garb ghetto I’d like to say a few words about the most important issue on this campus: good taste. How is a prestigious school, such as ours, going to make it in the high-fashion real world when this inte gral ideal is ignored? Now, I don’t knovj. who’s doing the image consult ing around here, but come on, scrunchies with a baseball hat? That is so ‘91. The Jennifer-layered-do with a baby tee - way ‘94. And don’t be fooled by all those capri pants in the Target ads. Last season on the coasts, baby. Let’s keep our eyes on the prize, ladies. What ever happened to the days of the MRS. degree? I know I’m getting mine, and on my big day, I won’t be caught dead with a belly-button pierc ing. Inna Panhellenist senior image consulting Hook this What? Women’s studies students are lesbians? Hooters is prostitution? I can’t hear anything more ridiculous! I am a self-assumed woman who is at ease with sex, anytime and any where, and if some girl wants to shake her junk around at Hookers or wherev er - you go girl! It’s hard work and an honest living. Didn’t anyone see “Striptease”? Yeah sisterhood! You don’t know how much representation the gender-challenged need, and I think your reporters shouldn’t just say • what they think in their opinion columns when it’s blatantly different than what Dr. Virwitchka said about how all women need to make their voice heard! Don’t you know I’m a natural woman? Carlotta Phachina Sophomoric genderific studies Football bites I for one am sick of the Husker football coverage. Why must we focus our entire campus on die gruesome yet homoerotic sport with buff men in tight revealing pants? Why not turn our attention to the university’s wonderful Women’s Crew Team? Those ladies are far more sportsmanlike, and can really stroke in the water. I don’t care if God is a Husker fan. I’m Wiccan anyway. BooHuskers!!! Jay Crue sophomoric domestic engineering Listen to the Lord I am writing in response to the let ter in response to the letter in response to the letter on the use of NU football receipts to pay Bob Devaney’s old gam bling debts, may I rest his soul. I am against this measure and would rather that the DN would pay it out of its own rather deep pockets. After all, it was the gangland-style slaying of our beloved Devaney that made this university what it is today. When I think of his withered remains, propped up in the rotunda of the State Capitol, grinning, clutching his signa ture bottle of Wild Turkey, why, it makes the Comhusker patriotism rise in my throat. 1 get all choked up just thinking about him and the Nebraska football legacy. It’s enough to make me forgive Sports Illustrated for giving all my credit to T.O. God UNLahuanas Class of 1901