Frldya, May 3, 1934
Daily Ha'faokan
Page 3
.Off fjte
News and views from the
Rooter Wire Machine
in the basement of the
Nebraska Union
Frenchmen don't uoe .
eoap ortoothbrushes
PARIS The average Frenchman us3 less
than one bar of soap a year, according to a
survey by the public opinion institute Pipsos.
The survey, which will appear Saturday in the
monthly women's magazine Mary-Frenchy, also
found 50 percent of Frenchmen never use a
toothbrush. In addition, it says, 81 percent of
French men and 70 percent of women wear
the same underwear for several days in a row.
French trackem jam highways
LAYFAYETTE, France Over a hundred
French truckers jammed highways and biways
Monday in protest of Italian soap import pol
icy. President Francois Minderband agreed to
let the Italians ship in more soap although
informed sources jsaid that since a recent
study revealed the French don't use much
soap or toothbrushes that perhaps letting the
Italians bring in more soap would merely just
be a waste of good Italian soap and time since
the French don't use very much of the soap
which is often made from a rare soap vine
growing near Rome.
GOttlieb won't support
STUTTGAT, West Germany Prime Minis
ter Heinz Gottlieb said Tuesday he would not
support continuing French protests of Italian
imports of soaps grown near Rome on rare
vines. Because the West Germans use more
soap, he said, they would gladly accept the
Italian soap and saw no reason to protest.
He said he would not send an envoy or take
any action whatsoever to help or hinder the
k protests. When asked if he would say why he
responded, "Nien."
Reagan: better dead than dirty
WASHINGTON President Reagan said
Sunday that he hopes the American people
will not respond by not washing after a recent
report from a French magazine that the trend
setting French are not washing or changing
their underwear very much.
Reagan said he washes all the time, in fact,
often more than twice a day and said he hopes
other Americans will act likewise in washing as
often and using as much deodorant, perfume
and feminine 'deodorant as possible to fend off
possible unpleasant body odors which he said
he thinks considerably contribute to a
communist-socialist style of life, he said.
Daily
HI 51 1 If Si ic Si HI
EDITOR
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PUBLICATIONS
BOARD CHAIRPERSON
PROFESSIONAL ADVISER
The Daily Halfaskan (KSU41-NU33) is published when
ever the urge strikes a bunch of bums who'd rather do
this than study.
If you have any story ideas or comments you wish to
submit, please keep them to yourself. Wa don't want to
hear them! The public also has access to massive
amounts of preppy-looking clothes. Just call any NUL
fraternity or sorority. .
Postmaster: Take your address changes and shove
'em. If, however, you have any valuable item3 tsken from
' the mails, send them to: The Daily Halfaskan, over the
river and through the woods. Yourtown, Nebraska, 12345-
67Ill v.xnzxi ccr;i3 m ey m caiy k-lfasxo
THAT IS ALL -.
lesr.cy larks.
Spsnisl Ss!l S:!l ' .
Csjjy LiPrlcks
Tisiy L. Sles&srs
Gfo Llki Grossff.saut
Klgfi Flysr
Imi Ttirei Tlfnss Over l!l
Kopalcrg Cmidy ,
Cim KyrcpSio' .
RisSSytetes
I'm Lest
mmmmm
I'm Lest
R;!j Ukh
Csrri Vrmjz
Grssk tiRress!a -'
tnr.tzs Allien. 47S-7CC2 .
Smoking . . .
Continued froa Pc3 2
As of now, the United States is also transgressing
upon its neighbors in Latin America. The Reagan
administration shamelessly cloaked its mining of
Nicaraguan harbors by using anti-Brazilian propa
ganda, most notably a movie attributing fault to
that country called Blame it on Rio. Transcendental-quasi-religious-visionary-pacifist
such as myself
quickly saw through this Reynolds Wrap, capitalist
transparency. -
I have devised two ways by which America can
transform itself into a progressive-metaphysical-world
nation.
Americans should boycott the Olympics by send
ing their team to Moscow, and refusing to eat their
own grain. The grain could be used to feed the
volunteer masses working in the people's Gulags.
The Olympic team could also learn about demo
cracy by meeting Moscow's premier-of-the-week.
Finally, I, Harry Krishna Madman, remain the
only logical candidate for president. As president, I
would replace the racist Martin Luther King's holi
day by one honoring Che Guevera. Also, I would
relieve the tremendous national worry and tension
placed upon Americans by its military industrial
complex, by giving our evil nuclear weapons and
technology to those who are extremely responsible:
the Red Brigade. This would be a mutually verifiable
give-away.
reiiier ever since
Meagan came into power
It sure i3 a pretty day outside.
I just noticed that.
It's been prettier almost every day since President
Reagan came into power.
Isn't that interesting?
fi Harvey
Why, I remember when Jimmv Carter occunied
the oval office. .
It seemed like' it was cloudy every day.
And here in Chicago, we had that terrible winter.
Some people blamed then Mayor Blandic, but I
think the responsibility rested squarely on the
shoulders of Jimmy Carter.
I never trusted Jimmy Carter anyway.
He used to always speak in really short sentences.
Remember?
Boy, I do.
In addition, although he wa born and bred in the
United States, he didn't have a good grasp of the
American language.
And it rained a lot while he was president, did I
mention that?
I think I did.
Or maybe that was on my radio commentary.
Anyway, I asked my next door neighbor who's a
meteorologist what he thought of my theory.
He said it did rain more during the Carter
administration.
He didn't think the two phenomena were related.
Never did trust college-educated people.
He walks funny too.
Oh well, I still maintain my theory's a good one.
Carter's rain of terror.
Hey, that's kind of clever.
Good day. -
r
J r-r.-: Si
' -
Letters
Go Big Red
You use to many bigg wurds and i cant under
stand a werd yew rite.
A NUL futbal player
Better dead than red!
, - "N . .
I can't tell you how it warms my heart (not that
this place needs any warming) to see the fine anti
Communist editorials which grace the pages of your
paper.
I have only one criticism. You are much too mild in
your denunciation of these pinko slobs. But keep up
the good work.
Sen. Joseph McCarthy
Personal letter!
The Daily Halfaskan reluctantly accepts letters to
the editor from all bimbds who dare to disagree with
us. .
Letters should address topical issues and should
avoid personal attacks. No letters slamming the
lackeys in the greek system are allowed.
Letters will be selected for publication on the
basis of height, weight, IQ and sexual preference.
The Daily Halfaskan retains the right to do what
ever we want to with your material
Letters must be signed and include the name,
address and phone number of at least one attractive
member of the opposite sex. 1ey also must include
six box tops or proof-of purchase seals from Cap 'n
Crunch cereal.
Submit material to: The jerk who writes those
awful editorials, Daily Halfaskan, basement of the
student union, right below the Colonial Room, Lin
coln, Neb. 12345-6789: -
To the "healthy" girl who save me from the aliens
Wednesday: When can I see you again? I'm getting
psyched. Let's talk about green bibles and editorials
and money.
The "Greek"
Like gag me
Please! Stop running all those letters about the
Greeks! Nobody else can get a word in edgewise!
Gill Thorp
carp science
Go Greek
I'm an ex-fraternity member, too, and I admit I've
got my gripes against the Greek system, but at least I
don't air them in public like a certain columnist of
yours. I'd like to, of course, but as an aspiring profes
sional person I can't afford to. My former fraternity
brother's dad is a member of the Good Old Boy
Network at the corporation I just got hired at, and,
well, jobs are hard to come by these days. .
an ex-brother
The Daily. Halfaskan...
you get what you pay for
Corrsctiofi!
We regret to inform you that the correction we
ran in yesterday's correction column is wrong...
again.
In the May 2 Daily Halfaskan we reported that
every Daily Halfaskan story has at least three fac
tual errors. We corrected that statement yesterday
when it was brought to our attention that two sto
ries in that edition had only two mistakes. After
closer scrutiny, we found that there were indeed
three mistakes in each of these controversial stories
and not two as the original correction corrected. We
stand corrected.
The Daily Halfaskan correction in Sunday's paper
incorrectly corrected an article we had been asked
to correct. It had been correct before
The Daily Halfaskan incorrectly reported in a pro
file about Chancellor Martin Missinglae that his
dog's name is Herpes. It's name is Fluffy. The Daily
Halfaskan regrets the error.
The Daily Halfaskan incorrectly reported Sunday
that the baseball game mentioned in Thursday's
-Daily Halfaskan was scheduled for Wednesday. The
game was actually scheduled to be held Friday, but
was rained out. The Daily Halfaskan regrets the
error.