Daily
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Friady, May 3, ijb4
University of No-Learning
Voluable 1. No. 1
sp 9 sleep
A motion was passed to serve decaf
finated coffee and tea during dead
week and final3 by the Nebraska G run
ion Bored Tuesday night.
Biff-Fisehhead, Ken-L-Rations com
mittee chairman, introduced the
motion in order for it to coincide with
the Nebraska Grunion's annual 1 0 cents
coffee and tea, "Sleep through Finals"
campaign. Fischhead, who asked not
to be identified, said the motion was
tongue-in-cheek, "But before I knew it
someone seconded the motion and a
vote was taken."
Laughter was so interns as the vote
took place, several members choked
on the complimentary beer and pret
zels served at each meeting. "What a
great joke," said Mercy Messy, bored
president, "Therell be all of these coffee
logsed bodies sleeping all over the
union, and when they wake up they'll
say, I better get some more of that 10
coffee? "
Swanson Dinner, Grunion director,
said the decaHinated drink idea had
economic ramifications. "Offthe record,
we have the chance to really make up
where the gourmet coffees in the bak
ery lost us money."
The Grunion Bored also voted to
renovate the cClce space now occu
pied by the Daily Half askan into a new
.'rm
women's lounge and restroom. "We got
to feeling sorry for those women who
had to trudge all the way up to second
floor to lay around," Dinner said.
"Besides, those swell paintings in the
old lounge don't go well with the mod
ern motif computer terminals present."
Looney Barks, Daily Half askan edi
tor in cheif, questioned the bored's
space allocation proposal. "It stinks,
we've taken crap but theyVe never
come right in and actually started
pooping on us," Barks said.
Dinner said the Daily Halfaskan's
space was selected because it is easier
for women to go down stairs than up
them. "It's easier for women to go
down stairs than up them," he said.
The bored has yet to find another
space for the Halfaskan, but is consid
ering relocating the publication to the
Nebraska State Historical Society or
letting it share the office with the
Women's Resource Center.
The issue of the Nebraska Bookstore
relocation renovation would not be as
easy to deal with, Dinner said. To get
everyone who buys books into the
bookstore at one time would be just
impossible." Right now the Grunion
Bored is looking at something along
the lines of a Neutron or chemical
weapon . . . "We certainly don't want
to deface any University property,"
Dinner said.
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Crack UndressinDaily Halfaskan
Who says baseball isnt a contact epert? NUL third baseman Bcog Urs prepares to boot Notheastern
Ontario's Speedy Horspcr baclk to second base after Eoapcr stole third in Thursday's game. The
Scheckers won C34-0. Fcr ths complete etcry, see ansther paper.
V ' 1
all greeks were shocked to learn of the store's
demise.
"I was so psyched when I first heard about the
store and now I wont have anywhere to get my pink
panties with the Delta Gamma emblem," giggled
Kayla Chartreuse, DG social chair.
Joey Lacoste, Kayla's party man, said that "the
stores closing is really a downer because me and my
Sig Ep brothers were going to get our house rugby
shirts there with a beer keg on the front," he said as
he hued Kayla.
"I guess sometimes you gotta say, what the
heck.' " Joey said as he fiddled with Kayla'adyed .
By GttIII Lcscd
A spokesman for The Geek Store, new to NUL,
announced Thursday that the store will close today
after the all greek FJLC. it will host in the store's
party room.
"I was really psyched for this store but I guess my
idea didnt find the beef," Said Bufly Carrington,
store owner, as she shook her blonde head from side
to side.
The staggering loss of three Kappa Kappa Gamma
beach toweb in a robbery on April 23 threw the
store into a state of financial iimbo, said BufTy. She
said later that same week a KKG sorority member
came into the store wearing one of the stolen beach
towels and BufTy confronted the girl about it.
"Then that little petite so and so broke my nose
with a-Sigma Alpha Ep'Jcn squash racket," said .
Cuffy. "It ruined my beauflfd noce and gat Used cn
that squash racket That racket was,wcrth tCCO you
know," shs quippc-d.- i '
"My ncsa was broken and, I had to pay for plastic
surgery and I had to miss sn slunsni luncheon at the
Hyatt Regency that week," Bul said violently as she
shook her blonds locks Li drgust-
Bufs husband, Skip Carrington, said the Iocs of
the lovely beach towels and the cost cf Busy's new
nose were the reasons for the demise of the store.
' "We couldnt have Buff going to parties with that
nose, she just.wouldnt fit the mold," said Skip.
Buffy and SIdppy said all store assets would be
donated to the greek system at NUL. They said their
goal was to have everyone wearing the same clothes
and beach towels by this sinner.
"There's strength in similarity," they sddediLs they
got into their soon to be repossessed mercedes.
A quick check of NUL greek houses revealed that '
Tenia Lauren, Panheilenic party girl, said that the
whole university community would feel the loss of
the store. .
It's really a poopy shame that it got robbed and
poor Buffy got her pretty nose cracked," Tonie
chirped. "But I guess you cant go to a luncheon and
keep a straight face with a broken nose, OOOh my?
We spoofed!
Today's Daily Halfaskan marks the return of
our semi-annual joke issue. With finals just
around the corner, we think students, faculty
and administrators need a chance to laugh at
the everyday foibles of university life.
Any similarities between persons named in
the Daily Halfaskan and persons living in the
Central Time Zone are purely coincidental
Recycled ANUS
could produce
future legislators
ANUS has announced a program to make NUL the
first major university to effectively recycle all of its
senators.
Under this new program, all senators who have
suffered mental breakdown during their term will
be put in desk containers and dumped into recy
cling barrels where they will be blindfolded and
spun three times. Afterwards, they will be nomi
nated for a unicameral seat.
"For the program to succeed, colleges and campus
organizations must participate," said ANUS Presi
dent L. "Bo" Grease. "Every college should help its
senator beef up a resume and help them come up
with stupid ideas that will keep ANUS from doing
something productive. Thus, their senator will even
tually go mad and be qualified to serve on the state
level."
This new program expands on ANUS recycling
that already is done on campus, said Grease.
"For the past few years, we've attempted to get
our most insane senators re-elected " he said. We
feel it's time we advance to the state level."
In other actions, ANUS decided to make all drink
ing fountains in the Union self-adjust their height
for each individual user. By August, drinking foun
tains will be equipped with buttons reading "high,"
"higher," and "highest."
"Buttons up!" said Grease with a giggle after the
final vote was cast.
"Just think," Grease said, "we're on the forefront of
technical advancement.
Grease said he is confident that decisions like this
need to be made on the state level.
"Right now it's the school," he said, "soon itH be the
State. The next year the country and finally the
world."
Inside
NUL students tell what they think about
dogs names Steve in today's Campus Mis
quotes Fc3 2
It's been a beautiful day in the neighbor
hood ever since Uncle Ronnie took office . .
Pass 3
The Daily Halfaskan corrects its errors
from previous editions
Iters, There, Everywhere
Index .
Arts and Entertainment 0
Iditorial 2
Mistakes 1,2, 3, 4, 5t C, 7,0
Iditorisl 2
Off The Wall. 3
Serious Mistakes 1,2, 3, 4, 5,0, 7,0
Spurts 0