Thursday, April 5, 1984
Expressions
Pago 33
From pallid to pizzazz...
tanning gives meaning to life
.-, Ar a rv vrmrin w r w .
By RIONA Z. KOPPEUIAN
I was a teen-age corpse. My pale
complexion could best be described as
pallid.
Every summer, I tried all the hints
for Deep-And-Easy Tans promised by
s A
..j, .-.x-
Crs'3 Andre.enDally Nebraskan
Koppeliasn...before tan.
Vogue, Cosmopolitan and Seventeen
magazines.
I baby-oiled, watered, creamed and
ice tea'd my skin. I tried the 15-minute
paste 'n' baste, the five-minute no
sweat scheme, the three-week Jungle
Tan Plan. Nothing going.
I Coppertoned, QTd, Tropical Blend
ed, even Bain de Soleiled, to no avail.
The only guys who deigned to be
seen with me in public were Ghost of
Winter Past or lifeguards who took me
to pool parties as a standard of com
parison. "Oh, Johnny," the pool groupies
would coo. "Your skin is so dark...
you're like...like Tarzan."
Researching this story gave me the
chance of a lifetime, I thought. Control
led time, concentrated rays, privacy
I was sure I'd emerge from the tanning
salon as Mona Derek.
BoKoppelman.
Tan, anyway.
So when one of the local salons
offered me a free trial session, I jump
ed at the chance. The manager explain
ed how the tanning bed worked, what
the bed could and couldn't do, and so
on. I waited rather impatiently for the
manager to finish her explanation and
fairly pushed her out the door.
I immediately stripped to the buff.
No pansy-ass tan for me. I gave the bed
a good once-over. This bed was the
coffin-model. Stately, gold-colored,
with a clamD-down liri
Inside, the top and bottom surfaces
were glass. Twelve ray tubes glinted
ominously from behind each glass
paine.
Then I saw the goggles yellow,
devo-ish contraptions that had bug-ged-out
lenses and dark blue slits.
They were lying there on the tanning
bed, staring at me, beneath a sign
screaming, "Goggles must be worn dur
ing tanning!"
It was too late to turn back. I was
naked. I put my tokens in the Tan-O-Meter
and the bed flashed to life.
Quickly, I took a last gasp of air and
threw myself onto the bed. I clamped
the goggles firmly on my nose and
lowered the lid.
I closed my eyes and tried to rest
comfortably. I listened to a couple of
Beach Boys tunes on the radio. Then
my mind began to wander.
Were there evil little rays getting
around my goggles?
Were the bottoms of my feet getting
tan?
Could people suffocate in these beds?
Will my underarms tan?
Somewhere along the line, I dropped
off to sleep. The machine shut off
automatically. I woke up and dressed.
My skin was a healthy pinkish color.
Rigor mortis was gone. Maybe even a
-J.
Craig AndresenOaily Nebraskan
Koppelman... after tan.
little tan well, off-tan.
As I walked through the Lincoln
streets, I glanced haughtily at those
poor white folks cowering in the alleys
as I sauntered by, a vision of health
and self-confidence.
I don't want to say that tanning
changed my life, but...see for yourself.
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