Friday,' February 17, 1934
Daily Ncbraskan
Pegs 9
Candidate addresses U.S. alements
Last week, Harley Davidson and Otis P. Daven
port bemoaned thcirctioiceofa campaign manager "
for Celeste Underwood, presidential candidate. In
this installment, the seed planted b) Addison Steele
(the campaign manager's name) will bear fruit.
Celeste's first press conference is about to begin.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the press, please be so
good as to take your scat " Addison called suavely
above the din. The conference, held at the Davidson-
Mary Louise
7
Rnapp
Underwood-Davenport residence, was well attend
ed. The National Intruders chief competitors, the
Plagiarist and Tabula Rasa, had sent their sharp
est reporters. KZOO, Lincoln's only public radio sta
tion, and KRUD, the university television station,
, were also represented.
Harley, stifling in his rented tuxedo, noted the
lack of commercial media with some irritation.
"You'd think Addison could have invited the
Journal or the Star," he muttered to Otis. "See if you
can sneak me a beer, all right? Celeste may be able to
get through this on only water, but I sure can't."
Otis, who had received similar instruction from
Celeste, moved toward the kitchen.
Otis grabbed two beer bottles, and struggled back
to the living room. Celeste, dressed in lavender silk
and holding a lily, was already in position behind the
kitchen table. Addison, in a green velvet jacket, sat
beside her, offering puffs from an elegant, but
suspicious-looking pipe. .
"Friends, journalists, politicians, and well-wishers,"
Addison said, "We are here to day for the debut
press conference of our delightful, refreshing presi-
Madmen and Enlishdons
dential candidate, Madame Celeste Underwood. As
you know, she has brought a new and lively style to
the presidential campaign, as well as a much needed
new face."
Flash bulbs popped. Rosetta Stone, of the Plagiar
ist, rose to ask the first question.
"Celeste, my dear," she said in sweetly sarcastic
tones, "Is it true that you bring no relevant expe
rience whatsoever to the position which you seek?"
"Madame Stoije," Celeste replied, showing a daz
zling smile, "you know not whereof you speak. Through
out all my 40 years, the slings and arrows, ipso die,
. of outrageous fortuna,'ma cherie, have brought me
to the point whereby I must seek office." Rosetta
looked confused, but impressed.
"Miss-er-Mrs. Underwood," stammered another
plagiarist staffer, "I've heard it said that you con
sume over a case of beer a day, and are frequently
intoxicated at political meetings. What kind of
image does this present to the American people?
"In vino veritas,m Celeste replied solemnly, reach
ing for the Budweiser Otis held out to her. "Person
ally, I believe that a well-educated president has to
know all about beer, both foreign and domestic. If,
Dios bendita, the Japanese were to take over Amer
ica's beer market, Cabcza de vacal Disaster could
.result."
A murmur of approval rose from the audience.
Addison motioned frantically to Otis and Harley,
who were seated in the front row.
"Er I think we're supposed to ask her some
questions, Harley," said Otis, elbowing his room
mate. Harley rose.
"Celeste, how are you going to deal with the Soviet
Union, now that their leadership has changed?" he
asked.
"Why, I'm going to ignore them, of course," Celeste
replied. "If no one pays any attention to them, they
will disappear, tres Men.
By Dan Wondra
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