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Liquor languor
"We drink milk as freshmen,
Java as sophomores.
And as Juniors we drink beer.
But as seniors we drink liquor,
'Cause we've found it's so much quicker,
And we'll raise Hell while we're here. "
-fraternity drinking song
For quite some time now, the Board of
Regents have been putting on one of the best
acts around in their steadfast refusal to
consider allowing consumption andor sale of
alcoholic beverages on campus. And it's a
pretty shallow act.
One wonders, however, it if is entirely
kosher for them to pretend that liquor on
campus, legal or not, does not presently exist.
It does and most of them know it.
Currently, it is doubtful that there is even
one dormitory floor, fraternity or sorority on
campus that has no liquor at all. on the
premises. In many instances the consumption
of alcohol within these residences is open and
accepted by those living there. Of the liquor
sold at stores near the campus, there can be
little doubt that more of it is consumed on
campus than off.
All this is, of course, illegal. With violations
of such huge numbers, however, it could
scarcely be avoided. To even slightly curtail
the use of alcohol on campus would require a
Gestapo on duty 24 hours a day in every
residence on campus, inspecting incoming
packages and making random checks of
inmates' rooms. "
Those in charge still ignore the problem.
When one law, however ridiculous, is wholly
ignored by citizens, it can only bring about a
lessening of respect for the entire system of
laws of the society. In this instance one
outdated and silly law could drop the general
level of respect in those whose respect is most
needed-those who will be running the entire
show in very few years.
Yet the regents continue to pretend no
problem exists. And they claim they have
good reasons for not changing the existing
situation.
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Most important, they say, is the problem
of keeping alcoholic beverages out of the
hands of underage students. Regents and
administrators have speculated that with
increased alcoholic freedom on campus, the
minors would have less trouble than, ever
getting hold of illicit beverages.
This argument, however is not as
applicable as it might seem. With Nebraska i s
current 19 majority age, most students will
only spend one year-their freshman year-on
campus before majority. This means that
slightly over one-fourth of UNL's students
would be affected at an ne time. Which
means that in holding back on-campus
drinking for all students, a three-fourths
majority of students is being penalized for the
sake of a one-fourth minority.
In addition, it is hard to believe that
drinking on campus would make liquor any
more accessible to minors. With virtually no
enforcement of any drinking laws on campus
at present, it would seem more likely that
minors and those supplying them would feel
more inclined to carry on business in the
present climate than one which is governed by
reasonable, perhaps more enforceable laws.
The only other real argument advanced
against bringing spirits to campus is that to do
such would provide a "distraction" to the
learning process. Come on, now.
Supposedly, when a student reaches the
University, he is old enough to make his own
decisions-whether or not he wishes to study
and whether or not he wishes to drink. To
make this decision for him underestimates the
student. Using this definition, ping-pong
tables, televisions, and snack bars should all
be abolished as "distractions" to learning.
And with numerous well-frequented bars only
two or three blocks from campus, it is
difficult to see how alcohol would be any
more ''distracting" in a dormitory'room.
All in all, the arguments brought against
alcohol on campus are false, brought up
mostly to placate an ultra-conservative state.
Well, the election is over and it's about time
regents begin thinking about the wishes of the
student and honesty of the state rather than
centering their concerns on public opinion.
Such action is long overdue. If the regents
wish to avoid a confrontation on the issue,
now is the time to act. Students don't like to
be hypocrites-and closet-drinking won't go
on forever.
Jim Gray
Finding
loopholes
in education
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Bob Russell Is a senior majoring in psychology.
by Bob Russell
Men and women may have been created equal, but some of
us know more about the loopholes in life than others. Russell's
Second Corollary: American -democracy is based upon
loopholes. God himself sent Jesus to the earth to clarify the
loopholes for entry into heaven.
Now there has been much criticism of American education
lately, but I think it is all uncalled for. Many have called for
the doing away with all loopholes involved in the process of
education. But are we to thrust our children into society,
defenseless against the true loopholeness of life?
Education (s the truest expression of loopholeness in our
society, euttids certain gevemnstnt institutions, end thus,
couldn't be better training for life. But in all goodness, one
should inform others of known loopholes, to make the burden
of loopholeness lighter. So, below are some helpful, handy
hints on "how to get by" in class at this august University.
Class have two parts: 1) the lecture and 2) the exam.
' The main problem in lectures is staying awake. The
historical origins of lectures are quite logical: professors read
books to the students, as there weren't a great number of
books to be had. The lecture still exists in this old form, but
has taken new genders as well. Some professors attempt to say
nothing as redundantly as possible within one hour. Others
marvel at the sound of their own voices. '
As professors are very vain creatures, one must either be
awake or appear to be awake in class. The embarrassment of
the drooling on oneself while in a blind stupor or of falling on
one's fanny while asleep is too much to bear.
To sleep properly in class requires some technology and
technique. The idea is to dupe the professor into thinking that
you are awake. For this exploit, one needs the following
paraphernalia: a pair of mirror sunglasses (like Alabama cops
wear), a Random House Dictionary of the English Language, a
sombrero, a hammer, a short two-by-four, some nails and
corduroy pants.
You put the sunglasses and sombrero on to conceal the fact
that your eyes are closed (a necessary condition for most
people to sleep). The rest is simple. You just nail the
two-by-four to the floor and place the dictionary on the desk.
Brace vour feet aaainst the two-bv-four. lean on vour arm
(which is braced against the dictionary) and these two nifties,
plus your slide-resistant corduroys should prevent you from
taking that miserable plunge to the floor.
To stay awake during a professor's interlocution is much
more difficult than sleeping. One must, of course, be
genetically predisposed for this action. Others, like me, can't
postpone the ecstasy of sleep past the third or fourth sentence
of the professor's paraphrase of the textbook.
I might suggest just two techniques for staying awake. Try
chewing on Bic pens, Choking on ink and plastic will surely
keep one awake. Another surefire trick is to sit so that your
head will smack the surface of the desk as soon as you start to
sneeze.
The other part of a university class is the exam. You must
keep this in mind about exams: exams are the truest example
of Russell'j .Third Corollary. You may wonder, "Well, what it
this corollary?" Russell's Third Corollary: loopholeness, a
priori, contains ever greater amounts of triviality in direct
proportion to the amount of loopholeness.
And then you might ask, "But don't exams measure our
abilities?" After pondering this for some milliseconds, you will
undoubtedly say, with the third corollary in mind, a
resounding "nol" What, then, do exams measure? Well,
multiple guess exams can measure several things 1) if you
used a No. 2 lead pencil or not and 2) if you fully colored in
the right circles.
However, getting those right circles is another problem.
You may not know this, but the UCA (University Chicanery
Administration), a section of the UNSA (University of
Nebraska Stupid Affairs), distributes a book with random
sequences of ABCDE. All professors use these random patterns
to determine the answers to their tests.
Essay exams are a quite different species than the multiple
guess exams. However, a thorough study of this article will
provide ample instruction in how to write a good evasive
answer By now, you are probably dying to know what
Russell's First Corollary is. Russell', First Corollary: When
God created the earth, he said, "let there be twTof every
creature but loopholeness. Of loonhnl.m... u. x.ri.lV i1
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page 4
daily nebraskan
monday, november 13, 1972