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t3be Conservative. z
When the star
THE ARMY COOK , witness had testified
that army rations
were not fit for a man to eat , Senator
Dietrich foxily gathered up the samples
of canned inedibles presented as proof of
the truth of the assertions made by the
witness , had thorn cooked and fed to the
roan who had just condemned thorn.
The platters were cleaned and the chef
complimented , which removes a load of
odium from the commissariat and lays
the blame at the door of that longsuffering
fering personage , the army cook , who
has never had the slightest training in
the culinary art , yet is blamed because
ho does not know its intricacies.
The whole trouble lies in the fact that
drunkards.block-heads and recalcitrants
who are not fit to carry a musket ,
or sick men who are physically unable
to do so , are detailed to aid the company
cook and as it is impossible for him to
keep his eye on all of them at once ,
some wondrous culinary monstrosities
result.
The ration schedule is generous , and
the quality of the food exemplary at the
outset , but when the assistant cook has
set an uncorked kerosene can in the
butter box , boiled seventeen or eighteen
pounds of rice in a kettle that will not
properly accommodate half thatamouut ,
cleaned his lantern-globe with the dishrag -
rag , stored gasoline in the tea canister
and spilled the mustard into the stew a
few times , the company often finds half
its rations gone in a few days after they
have been issued , and the men must
fast or forage , for the inexorable sched
ule cannot be changed in the slightest
and is not even elastic enough to cover
unavoidable accidents.
Then it is that a wail goes up , and an
officer is sent to the regiment to inspect
the food , his invariable report being thai
the usual allowance of food of fail
quality is being drawn by the company
quartermaster ; in what happens to il
after it is drawn the government has no
concern.
There is just one remedy , and it is
too radical to be offered without trepi
dation. If the company and regimenta
officers could be forced to eat government
mont food of the same quality and
quantity issued to the men. under them
we unhesitatingly opine that there
would be a revolution in the commissary
department that would make the earth
tremble , and that men would be chosei
to copk because they were good cooks
not because they , like Uncle Eben's
coon dog , were "no 'count fur nothin
else. "
If Schwab's richeF
WANTED MIL- arc the result o :
LION AIRES. consolidation of interests
torests , then wo arc
for the consolidation of interests.
His purchase of a cousidorubl
property on Staten Island with the
avowed intention of fitting it up fo
ft *
; ho entertainment and instruction of
vaifs from New York , is probably
ho best-directed charity ever con
ceived by a millionaire philan-
hropint.
The want of just such a place , con
ducted in just such a manner has
) eon felt for decades ; subscription
ists have boon , circulated in vain ,
but the much-maligned American
millionaire solves the difficulty , and
iwolvo hundred to fifteen hundred
lollow-cheeked children will daily
jonefit by his enterprise and thrift.
If the claim that certain men are
favored and enabled to acquire riches
ihrongh special privileges granted
jliom were true which of course it
is not and the laws and conditions
complained of resulted in creating a
thousand more Carnegies and
Schwabs , posterity would be more
healthy , happy and intelligent , and
wharf rats and uneducated and un
principled youth would be scarce in
deed. Give us more millionaires.
Warfare is a cold ,
SENTIMENTAL- cruel business , and
ITY IN WARFARE , at best is repug
nant to most men.
Every army has its critics , who ,
never having paced a lonely beat in
the jungle or tramped through a hos
tile country where every stump is
suspected- hiding an enemy anc
every house is regarded as a hostile
fort until it has been explored , ac
cuse officers and men of being too
ready to kill. At present the army-
cursing business is being slightly
overdone.
Hundreds of orators are detonating ,
and publicists erupting because ai
American guard actually shot i
Filipino who refused or neglected to
halt , having been requested or or
dered to do so. What in the name of
General Smith should the guard have
done ? Should ho have turned in
fire alarm , or telephoned the police
station ?
What , think you , would have takei
place during the civil war , or the
revolution , if a guard should have
boon approached at night and his
challenge should have been ignored ?
An American soldier of the old
school would have , without' the
slightest hesitation or parley , she
down an Englishman or a brother
American , perhaps a comrade of his
own army , under such circumstances
what wonder then that a guard' who
has soon bolos flash from the flutter
ing shirts of white-clad "Aniigos , '
has witnessed the night forays and
ambuscades , emphasized his remark
with a contraction of the trigger
finger ?
The jungle is no place for the exchange
change of nice courtesies. There
etiquette allows no more than two o
throe seconds to intervene betwoei
a command to halt ( a word in com
mon usage in both armies ) and the
lispatching of stool-
a z-z-i-p-p-ing -
clad remonstrance in the direction of
the unmannerly intruder upon the
sacred privacy of the outpost shack ,
and no one \vho has mot the Filipino
on his native morass will for a
nomont question the propriety of
ihis guard's conduct.
Discuss the Philippine question if
you will , for it is certainly capable
of being discussed ; but please don't
bo silly I
While the isth
CRATERS AND mian canal matter
CANALS. is a subject in which
the United States is
principally concerned , Mount Polco
has taken a hand in the discussion
and with burning eloquence has pre
sented an argument which the most
enthusiastic supporter of Nicaragua
cannot answer.
All along the proposed Nicaraguan -
guan way volcanic disturbances and
earthquakes are monotonously fre
quent. Aside from the danger to life
and property , which must bo en
countered here , the system itself
could hardly hope to survive the re
peated shocks to which it would bo
subjected , even though a destructive
outpouring of molten destruction such
as occurred on Martinique might
not occur here for ages to como.
The Panama district is one of the
few spots along the isthmus that is
not subjected to periodical shakings
and dustings and for this , if for no
other reason , the Panama route
should be adopted , without hesita
tion , as the safest , therefore the most
available and economical.
What an inhuman
SIT DOWN brute that man Dowio
ILLINOIS. must be. Besides
allowing his daugh
ter to die , lie attempts to punish her
after death by asserting that she
died on account of having disobeyed
him ; worse still , there is every prob
ability that ho lied about her ,
for a man who can stand over the
bier of his dead child and criticise
her oven in the slightest is capable
of any low meanness imaginable. So
long as Dowio exists , Illinois has no
call to point the derisive finger at
freaky Kansas , or statesmanesquo Ne
braska.
When a railroad
HANDY ARITH- has been completed
METICIANS. a thousand editors
rise to remark that
the price it cost per mile is an absurd
exaggeration , and that it could bo
easily paralleled at a third the sum
named.
The next spring when the line has
been assessed , the editors revise their
figures and prove that the line is worth
untold millions per square foot.